Friday, March 1, 2019

February 2019 Joke Round-Up

                 I started off February with a joke about farts and it would appear that after phoning it in for a while I realized that nothing could top that so mid-month I just took a whole week off from writing any jokes.   Without further ado, here are some jokes you’ve already read.

On the radio this morning they were discussing some list of the top 10 things that make people laugh, including sitcoms, puns, dad jokes, etc. I didn't catch who compiled it, but there was no mention of farts so obviously that list is bullshit.

We took the kids to Disney on Ice last night. Today I overheard my daughter excitedly giving her friends a highly critical and objective analysis of her experience:
"We went to Disney on Ice. There were Disney characters there. On ice."

I think the Pinewood Derby needs to be split into 2 separate events. One where the scouts race cars they legitimately designed and built. And another where all the dads just lay their dicks out next to a measuring tape.

It was time for my hockey team to undergo a name change. Thus far, the team has always used hockey related puns in the name and I definitely wanted to keep that going. With that, I gleefully settled on the new team name: Fast & Fuhr-ious.

I think the area where I’m most financially irresponsible is easily food. I’m aware that I spend more money than I should on snacks and shitty foods. This really wasn’t much of a problem before, but since my fiancée and I have combined finances, I now have someone else bearing witness to me being a fat kid. Now there’s another person who can look at my credit card statements and say, “I see you made 3 trips to QuikTrip in one day…” And now I’m over here contemplating cash transactions so there’s no paper trail on my gas station taquitos.

I made my fiancée watch the movie Captain Ron specifically so she would understand why every time she asks where I want to go on our honeymoon I respond with, "Have you heard of St. Croix? The island just to the left of it. Ted's!"

I was pretty tired at work today because just as I was about to head to bed last night I saw there was a rerun of Jeopardy on TV with a category about mattresses and I couldn't help but stay up to flex my expertise on the subject to the empty living room. #5for5

My son picked out Valentine's cards to give to his class that have a poop emoji on them and say, "You're da bomb." I really feel like there was a huge missed opportunity with these cards but I suppose "You're the shit" might be a bit much for 1st graders.

I texted my fiancée earlier today telling her that I was picking up stuff to make her a surprise. As a hint I told her "it usually costs extra."
She responded with "a happy ending?"
Guacamole. The answer was homemade guacamole.

Updating the "Notable Skills" section of my resumé to include: Able to multitask by being a positive influence and productive member of the team on a daily basis while simultaneously internalizing a seething rage.
Unfortunately, I don't believe that this is an entirely unique skill within my peer group.

I walked into this conversation between my fiancée and the kids last night.
Henry: “Who’s the smartest?”
Kahla: “Your dad is really smart.”
Abby (turning to me): “If you’re so smart, then tell me something about Pokemon.”
GauntletThrown #ChallengeAccepted

We were all getting ready to sit down and watch a movie as a family the other night but had a few minutes to kill while my fiancée finished up an errand in the other room. Thinking that the kids might enjoy watching some of the dancing and theatrics while we waited to start the movie (and knowing that I would), I pulled up Youtube and turned on the music video for Michael Jackson’s ‘Smooth Criminal.’ Abby had a meltdown and started whining because she didn’t like it. Needless to say, Henry now has 2 bedrooms and Abby lives in the yard.

The mirror broke out of this dresser. We did what any sane person would do.

Lately at work I've been listening to a lot of early to mid 2000s pop punk because I'm somehow still chock full of teenage angst. Today I switched it up and spent the day listening to Michael Cohen's testimony to Congress because I'm also apparently full of Constitutional angst.

I think the true magic of childhood is being so excited about school getting canceled that you don't notice the panic set in on your parents' faces as they try to figure who the hell they're going to have watch you for the day.

                So next month I’ll be personally completing one more revolution around the sun, but I can pretty much 100% guarantee you that this will have absolutely no effect on my level maturity, as I’ve yet to see any progress in that direction any other year.