Saturday, February 28, 2015

#Knuckles Goes to Trivia

                A while back I tried to write a post detailing some of the funny/ridiculous stories about my roommate, Knuckles.  I figured it would be an easy and entertaining post, since most people I tell the stories to already seem to enjoy them (I’ve even started using #Knuckles  when I post them on Facebook and Twitter in an effort to get him trending).  I actually gave up on that post partway through because it stopped being funny and basically made it seem like Knuckles was the worst human being on the planet (which I’m not necessarily ruling out).  Actually, there was enough meanness in it that I was worried I would be the primary suspect if he ever turned up missing or dead, so I figured I better ditch the post and come up with an alibi.  However, there are way too many great Knuckles stories and I’m way too eager to create new content, so I couldn’t ignore this wealth of entertainment forever.  So, here’s one of the most recent Knuckle stories for your entertainment.

Last Saturday night I went to a trivia night with some friends and my roommate, Knuckles.   The trivia itself started out pretty uneventful as far as trivia nights go, however, the $20 price of admission included free beer all night; Knuckles’ kryptonite.   It didn’t take long before he was completely unaware that any questions were being asked.  Here are some of the highlights of what Knuckles did upon getting wasted at trivia.

·         Knuckles and I each bid on a banner with a St Louis Blues player on it.  Knuckles won his.  I was outbid on mine by the bartender.  Later, when talking to the bartender she admitted she didn’t really want it and sold me the banner she had won.   Knuckles watched as this happened and money changed hands.   Between this happening and us getting home (about an hour), Knuckles asked 3 separate times “What’s this?  Did you win a banner too?”

·         Knuckles attempted to text his mom on the car ride home to tell her that he wasn’t drunk because “She always assumes I’m drunk on Saturdays.”  He never finished the text message because he found it too difficult to spell.

·         This conversation happened.
Knuckles: “I remember everything about every time I’ve been to Hooters.”
Ant: “Tell me about the 4th to last time you went there.”
Knuckles: “Shut up.”
Me: “Who was our waitress and what kind of beer did we drink when we went last weekend?”
Knuckles: “I don’t know.  Ambrily?  And we had Bud Light.”
Me: “Ambrily isn’t anyone’s name.  It was Ember and we had Urban Chestnut                                 Schnickelfritz.”
Ant: “I thought you remembered every time you went to Hooters?”
Knuckles: “I never said that.”
Ant: “You just said that.”
Knuckles: “You’re being an idiot.”

I went to bed when I got home.  Knuckles went to the bar.  I assume that next time I’m out at the bar I’ll hear more tales of his shenanigans (because people have a tendency to report back to me all the dumb things my roommate does).  And, while this is obviously the first #Knuckles post I’ve made, I have the distinct feeling that it will not be the last one.


Thursday, February 26, 2015

Reflection, Gratitude & Shameless Whoring

                My last post was pretty successful.  I mean, from my standpoint it was REALLY successful.  It got the most views I’ve ever had on a post, and it was “Liked” and shared several times on Facebook.   It got me recognized out in public by 2 strangers at the grocery store (once you’re famous you can’t do anything without being recognized!).  And now I have to follow that up?  No fucking way.

                I was tempted to just move on and post one of the stories that I’ve been saving up (and one of those is still going to follow this one up shortly) but I thought I’d take a minute to recognize the awkward situation I’ve put myself in.  I almost feel like people expect more out of me now than ever before (people rarely expect anything from me).  And aside from the outside pressure by my fan base (which I assume has grown by about 7 people), I’ve also put a lot of pressure on myself.  I’m still assuming that this Daily Show thing will work out, but if it doesn’t I’ve hit a new plateau for success with this blog (unfortunately, when I take over The Daily Show I won’t have time to keep up with my blog). 

                As it stands right now, my 10 Reasons Why The Daily Show With Ryan Rick Needs To Happen has about twice as many views as my 2nd most viewed article.  With the help of my faithful readers (I feel like my followers need their own catchy name; I’ll work on that) maybe that number will climb even higher.  I’ve whored it out on Facebook and Twitter and made some attempts to actually get it seen by someone, anyone at Comedy Central (janitors count) because….why not?  So please, please continue to share the article and help me whore myself out (I have no shame) because the only way I’m going to get (pseudo) famous is by employing legions of people to do my advertising for me (for free). 

                And sincerely, thank you so much to everyone who has read, liked, shared or otherwise supported me in my endeavor to host The Daily Show. I promise that I won’t forget all those who helped me when I become famous.  I’ll even have a giant house party you’ll be invited to and I’ll turn an in-ground swimming pool into a giant, grown-up ball-pit because, seriously, isn’t that what we all really want? (Please don’t pee/poop/vomit/have sex in the ball-pit; it’s for everyone to enjoy)   And while we’re all waiting for Comedy Central to make their formal job offer to me, please keep checking back for new content.  I still have a good handful of fresh stories to post. 

But for now… 

(Do you really want that hashtag to have been created in vain?  Share it!)


Thursday, February 12, 2015

Top 10 Reasons Why The Daily Show with Ryan Rick Needs to Happen

                By this point, I’m sure everyone is aware that Jon Stewart announced he will be leaving The Daily Show.  As a student of comedy writing and a longtime fan of both him and the show, this is a big deal to me.  I have been watching The Daily Show with Jon Stewart for nearly two-thirds of my life, at this point I don’t really know any other way to live.  However, just as with any big shake-up in life, this development presents new and exciting opportunities as well.  Obviously, The Daily Show itself has become an institution; one that will invariably roll along with another host, for better or for worse.  And, from a completely unbiased point of view, I can think of no other person more qualified to fulfill that position than myself.

                I know what you’re thinking: that I’m absolutely right and you 100% agree with me on this. Well, I appreciate the support but to prove that my fans’ (plural!) support of me is warranted and not just based on blind loyalty (also to make sure I have new content) I’m going to provide a list of reasons why I’m the obvious answer to this situation.  I also want to point out that, while this is coming pretty soon after Jon Stewart’s announcement, this sort of opportunity requires swift action on my part.  So, for your consideration I now boldly present to you Top 10 Reasons Why The Daily Show with Ryan Rick Needs to Happen:

1)      I’m Camera Friendly
Let’s go straight for the elephant in the room right away: I am not an unfortunate looking human being (at least not until you get to know me).  I take a lot of pride in my appearance, including my clothes, my hairstyle and my sweet beard (I use beard oil regularly).  I’m not covered in scars and boils (in the interest of not hurting anyone’s feelings, it’s totally okay if you are covered in scars and boils, but you should probably stick to radio) and I don’t have a buttface.  These are features that you want to have in a guy who will be the face of the biggest fake news show on television; which brings me to my next point.

2)      I Can Fake It
Jon has, on numerous occasions, pointed out to the hypocritically critical (see what I did there?) major news networks that The Daily Show is, at its core, a fake news program.   Thankfully, part of Jon’s genius was to actually inform people while entertaining them, instead of just giving them some self-important talking heads that are accidentally entertaining people by virtue of misinforming them.  And, here’s the great thing about me:  I have no idea what the hell I just said because, even now, I’m faking it.   What better figurehead for a fake news program than a guy who is really good at faking it?  I will not even attempt to say that I have the same kind of wit, intelligence or vision as Mr. Stewart, but I can guarantee that I can fake all the confidence in the world until you and everyone else believes that I’m on that same level.  And I think that’s important.

3)      I’m Not a Dumbass
I don’t want anyone to assume that just because I’m good at “faking it” that I don’t do my homework to make sure I know what I’m talking about.  If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my life (I’m almost certain I’ve learned more than one thing), it’s to not throw my hat in the ring unless I’m fully prepared to actually duke it out.  This rule stays the same whether it is a battle with facts, wit, fists or comically large foam swords.  Mr. Stewart has built a reputation on The Daily Show for having his facts in order and being well versed on the topics he brings up.    I have no intention of tarnishing that reputation for the show.  My reasoning for being so diligent about doing my homework is very simple: my level of self-confidence is a very delicately balanced house of cards and if I’m not fully prepared it could easily be toppled and send me into a downward spiral of self-loathing.  What this means for me is that I have some severe anxiety issues.  What this means for The Daily Show is that it’ll have a host that won’t screw up.

4)      I Look Really Authoritative Sitting Behind a Desk
Check this out, it speaks for itself.
I’m not even wearing pants here.

5)      I Dabble in Writing
You may have noticed that I have a(minimally) successful blog, of which I am the sole writer.  If you haven’t noticed, please take a moment to look around at some of my other successful posts.  I try to keep my writing skills sharp through regular updates of this blog, which is done 100% for free on my personal time.  Now, think about it, if I’m so dedicated to writing that I do this kind of thing for free, just imagine what kind of product you could expect from me if you were paying me to do it (now you’re intrigued, aren’t you?).

6)      I’m Fucking Hilarious
Just like the last point, this is something you may have noticed if you’ve read some of the other entries in my blog.  Or if you follow me on Twitter (@RyanRick87) or Facebook.  Or if you hang out with me sometimes (not all the time, sometimes I suck).  I write a lot of jokes and people seem to think they’re funny (unless it’s all an elaborate ruse because they know how fragile my self-esteem is).  I like to believe that I have a small but fiercely loyal following for my sense of humor (I didn’t say it’s true, I said that I like to believe it).  And I’m certain that this small group of friends and fans is a good representation of the quality of fan base you can expect from me if you unleash my humor on an audience the size of The Daily Show’s (there’s definitely going to be some poop jokes).

7)      I’m Not Shy
Between the studio audience, the television audience and the guests on the show, The Daily Show is a pretty demanding experience for even the most socially capable of people.   Now, my blog has a long history of mefailing at doing social things, but there’s one thing that can’t be denied: I’m not shy about it.  I thrive on having an audience.  I’m not scared to interview a guest.  And I certainly wouldn’t be bashful about myself broadcast through television sets and computers far and wide.  Life is an artform in itself and I’m living in a Jackson Pollock painting, so I might as well share it with anyone and everyone.  At no point will you ever have to rule me out because I’m too embarrassed about interviewing someone or doing a bit in front of such a large audience.  I mean, I’m actually willingly sharing some of my most embarrassing and awkward moments in life to anyone who stumbles across this blog.  Flubbing a line on camera doesn’t bother me.

This is what my Tuesday looked like.

8)      I Have 2 First Names
Seriously,  Ryan Rick.  It’s a great name.  It’s an easy name.  It’s a memorable name.  Just think how smoothly this rolls off the tongue:  The Daily Show with Ryan Rick.  If people get tongue-tied trying to remember my name or the name of the show, they’ll say “you know, the show hosted by the guy with 2 first names.”  That’s brand recognition right there (I have a marketing degree!).  And you know who else has 2 first names?  Bruce Wayne.  And Clark Kent.  Just like Batman and Superman, I will swoop in and save the day in The Daily’s Show’s time of great need.  But wait, there’s more.  Not only do I have 2 first names, but they’re alliterative.  And since the channel is Comedy Central, that’s just more to work with for advertising purposes: “Watch RR tonight on CC” (this is literally the only thing I’ve done with my marketing degree since graduation; definitely a good investment).

9)      I’m Ambitious Enough to Want It
How many other people out there are writing lists of all the reasons why they’re the best candidate to host The Daily Show? Seriously, if I’m not the only one writing something like this then those other jerks stole my idea and I’m kind of pissed off about it.  I know the show is a lot to take on and I’d have some big shoes to fill (figuratively, I am aware Jon Stewart is not a large man), but I am willing to put myself through the ringer and back to live up to that commitment.  I’ve already heard a short list of names that are being bandied about for the position and I’m telling you that none of them want it as badly as I do (I want this way more than I wanted Moon Shoes for Christmas when I was little and I’m sure this will be much less of disappointment).
These things sucked

10)   I’m Available
Coupled with the aforementioned ambition, it’s worth noting that I’m also very much available to take on this project.  Extremely available.  Desperately so.  I believe that both from various interviews that Jon has given and both the quality and frequency of episodes, it’s pretty well documented how much time and energy goes into making The Daily Show.  Well, guess who definitely doesn’t have anything better going on and is both willing and able to pour hours and hours into helping The Daily Show continue to be the brilliant piece of topical comedy that it is (hint: it’s me).   I’m not the kind of guy that’s just going to give up on the show and say “It’s too difficult, I can’t handle this.  This will never work out.”    I’m the kind of guy that won’t accept failure and won’t take no for an answer (despite what my dating record might imply).  I’m the kind of guy who is ready, willing and able to take up the charge because I don’t have anything else worthwhile going on in my life (if you want proof of that, I can introduce you to my roommate). 

                So there you have it.  10 reasons why I’m not only the best choice, but realistically (I use that word loosely) the only choice to take over The Daily Show when Jon Stewart leaves.  I could have kept going with the list, but 10 seems like a nice even number and I don’t want to make this list so long that nobody reads it and I alienate my audience (see, there’s another admirable quality).  I’ve made my play; the ball is now in the hands of the fine folks over at Comedy Central to make the call.  Seriously, I’m sitting here just waiting for my phone to ring.  Please call me.  Email works too. Please.   I want the job.



Sunday, February 8, 2015


                Have you ever been in a situation where you had every intention of making the responsible choice, but ended up doing something stupid anyway?  Well, obviously I have or I would be regaling you with tales of me eating my vegetables and paying my bills.  Instead, I’ll tell you a story of when I had absolutely no intention of drinking and ended up in a quagmire of inebriated decisions.

                The story starts one Sunday evening several years ago, when my buddy AJ and I were hanging out watching movies.  We had both outright said to one another “I don’t really feel like drinking tonight” (this was a huge deal for both of us at that point in our lives).  And we fully intended to stay that course until we got a phone call from a friend saying he was having a party.  Being the social butterflies that we are, we could not skip out on at least making an appearance (and gracing/disappointing everyone with our presence).  And furthermore, we couldn’t reasonably show up to the party and not have at least a couple of beers.  So, the plan was set, we packed a small cooler with just a few beers and headed out to say a few quick hellos at the party.

                Things quickly spiraled out of control from there.  We walked around and said hi to everyone, sipping on the few beers we had brought with us.  The first problem was that the beers were tasting especially good that night.  The second problem was that somebody challenged us to beer pong, and there was no way in hell we were going to back down from that challenge (we’re kind of professionals).  After running the table for a little bit, we were finally edged out in a match.  With our honor on the line, we knew that we would have to challenge and defeat the team that bested us; however, we were officially out of the beers that we had brought.  We made the executive decision that we would have to get more beers, then return and take back our title as beer pong champions.   We hopped in AJ’s truck and went back to his house to pack another, much larger cooler.

                Once we returned to the party, all bets were off; we were in full-on party mode and the beers were disappearing quickly.  We took back our title in beer pong, then moved on to flippy-cup, then joined in on an impromptu dance party and I believe at one point I was riding a tractor (though some conflicting reports suggest that I was just sitting on a lawnmower making engine noises with my mouth).   Needless to say, we had failed in our initial endeavor to spend the night not drinking.

                At a certain point, I become extremely aware of two things.  First off, AJ was talking to a cute girl.  Secondly, it was extremely late and I had to be at work in the morning.  These two bits of information combined in my mind and offered up the realization that I needed to go home.  However, being the great friend that I am (debatable), I knew that I did not want to barge in on AJ’s conversation and demand a ride home.  Instead, I decided that the absolute best course of action I could take would be to run home.   It is worth noting that the party was at a house out in the country, about 3 miles away from my own house.  It wasn’t a huge distance to overcome, but definitely a longer trek than I should have been attempting at that point.    I have absolutely no idea how far I actually made it, but I recall being in mid-sprint down a dark country road when my phone started ringing.  It was AJ.

AJ: “Ryan, where the hell are you?”
Me: “Running.”
AJ: “Where are you running to?”
Me: “Home.”
AJ: “Where are you at? Stay there; I’m coming to get you.”
Me: “It’s cool.  I’m just running.” *click*

                I continued running across fields at my blistering, drunken pace until eventually AJ found me trudging through a ditch.  As he drove alongside me, I looked over, waved at him and cheerily said, “Hey dude! What are you doing here?”  AJ told me to get my dumb ass in the truck and I obliged, climbing in next to the girl who he was talking to at the party (way to go, AJ!).    After a short drive, AJ pulled up in front of my house and I rolled out of the truck onto the lawn.  Immediately, I hear a voice say, “What the hell is wrong with him?”  I look up to see me dad standing on the front porch dressed in his work clothes.

Me: “Why are you still dressed for work?”
Dad: “Because I’m going to work.  It’s 5 a.m.”
Me: “Oh…”

                With that, I walked straight past him into the house to get what sleep I could (I was scheduled for work at 7, things were not looking good).   I set my alarm and flopped down in my bed, still wearing the clothes that I had just recently christened as my new jogging attire.  I woke up 3 hours late for work, completely naked on my couch with 21 unread text messages, 34 missed calls, 9 voice mails, and my friend Düdders banging on my door (this was back when we both worked at the grocery store in town; he was sent to make sure I was still alive).    Fortunately enough for me, I had never been late for work up to this point and wasn’t really known as a partier by my co-workers, so they were legitimately concerned and not angry at my tardiness (it also helped that I never told any of them that I went out drinking the night before…but I guess the cat is out of the bag now).  In fact, in the panic over my missing work, Düdders had even called my dad asking if I was okay (my dad didn’t rat me out and I told Düdders to never do that again ever).

                When I got home that evening after work my dad stopped me in the kitchen for a little talk.

Dad: “Get a little drunk last night?”
Me: “Yep.”
Dad: “Have some trouble getting to work?”
Me: “Yep.”
Dad: “You gonna do that again?”
Me: “Never can tell.”


Tuesday, February 3, 2015


                After making a post begging people to accept me via reading, talking about and sharing my blog with others, let’s turn this whole thing around and talk about rejection (that seems like a natural progression, right?).  We spend basically our entire lives seeking acceptance in one form or another.  Whether it’s being accepted by people as friends, accepted into a school, accepted by an employer or accepted by a potential mate, it’s something that we’re constantly chasing.  So it’s no surprise that we generally don’t handle rejection well; we’re built to crave the opposite (also, sometimes we crave White Castle but that never ends well).

                Now, some of those rejections aren’t entirely worth getting your feelings hurt over.  For instance, if you get rejected from a college it means that maybe your grades or extracurriculars weren’t up to par.
Then you just go make your own college.

If you get rejected from a job offer, it could just be that your skills and experience aren’t quite what the company is looking for (or maybe because you showed up to the interview reeking of booze and wearing sandals with socks).  But when potential friends or, more likely, romantic interests reject you, that’s basically being rejected for who you are as a person.  That’s somebody saying “You are not the type of human being that I want to regularly associate with.”   Now, I’m not a psychologist (I have watched Analyze This and I believe that counts), but I think if that doesn’t bother you, then you may have a personality disorder (and I think I know a thing or two about having a personality disorder).

                The real trick is learning how to deal with this.  Obviously, ignoring it is one option; self-confidence is important.  Of course, if a lot of people are rejecting you as a human being and you’re still confident in yourself then you’re probably a huge douche (so stop reading my blog, asshole. I don’t want you either).  If you take every single rejection to heart and try to change yourself constantly to be accepted, then you’re some kind of weird amorphous blob of no personality who lacks the conviction to be your own person.


Clearly, the answer I’m leading up to is some bastard combination of the two (moderation is important, which is why I’ve never overindulged on anything).  

Some people I know question how I can be such a walking pile of anxiety and personality quirks, yet still have little problem striking up conversations with new people.  How do I appear so calm?  The trick is that I just automatically assume that I stand no chance whatsoever.  See, if I approach a woman and I’m worried about what she thinks of me, I’m going to be nervous about making a bad first impression.  If I’m talking to new people who I’d like to add to my circle of friends and I’m worried that they’ll think I’m lame, I’ll be too overanxious and come off badly.  So, I just approach every situation with the firm knowledge that this person will not like me and that I will never see them again.  No pressure.  Absolutely none.  I stop worrying about being nervous and saying something stupid (I usually do).  I don’t worry if they think my jokes are lame (they usually are).  I am not concerned about whether they think I’m a bad dancer (nobody thinks this, I’m a great dancer).  And this is all because I know already that they won’t like me.

“But Ryan, that seems like an awfully negative way of looking at things!”   First off, this is my blog and I don’t need you questioning me.  Secondly, the positive side to this is that people don’t always dislike me, which means that I end up pleasantly surprised sometimes when I find out that I am accepted.  So, there.  I win.  Other than that, your two options are basically to take the rejections hard and cry yourself to sleep at night (I wouldn’t recommend it, it’s hard to sleep on a soggy pillow), or telling everyone else “Fuck you, I like me.”

I think it’s also worth noting that this entire post grew from a joke about rejection that I wrote last week:  “Sometimes I send out resumes for jobs that I am completely unqualified for, like CEO of Kraft Foods, because I think it’s important to always be familiar with the feeling of rejection.”  Originally, I wanted to write this joke about being rejected by women but that would have been a lay-up and I wanted to go for the 3-pointer (I hope that makes sense, I don’t watch basketball).  Also, while I'm totally okay with self-deprecating humor, making a joke about regularly asking out models or actresses is a little more creepy and pathetic than I'm comfortable with (I do have some standards).