Writing this today, I am older than I was when I wrote my last joke round up for February. I can assure you that I am not any wiser or more mature, because that would be ridiculous and likely confuse everyone around me. So here I am, doing everything I can, holding on to what I am, pretending I’m a Superman. Yay, surprise Goldfinger! You’re welcome for that and I’m welcome for that as it’s both a great song and a way to artificially increase the length of my intro as though I actually had something important to say. So where are we at? Making poor choices with food & alcohol and sharing ridiculous anecdotes from my kids? Sounds about right, here are the jokes.
3/3
They really did Stockard Channing dirty as hell in the opening credits of Grease. Did she have beef with the animation team or something?
3/4
If John Krasinski is going to be an action hero now, I am going to need at least one of his movies to have him put the enemy's gun in jello.
3/7
Put some food in the toaster oven for lunch, walked away and came back to cold food 15 minutes later. Assuming that I had absentmindedly failed to turn it on, I made sure to set it to cook for 15 minutes. I heard the timer go off and came back to cold food yet again.
As it turns out, somebody in the house had turned off the heating element. Why is that even an option?! All I did was set a 30 minute timer for disappointment.
3/8
Next time I can't find my kitchen shears because they're off mingling with the arts and crafts supplies, I'm gluing those bastards into the butcher block. If I'm not able to use them for their intended purpose, nobody is using them.
3/9
For a limited time KFC has brought back their Double Down sandwich. And while I may be 9 years older than I was when it was last on the menu, I am most assuredly not 9 years wiser, which I why I just ate one of those culinary abominations.
3/10
My wife has tickets to see a comedy show tomorrow and her calendar sent a reminder about it, but the notification kinda looks like the comedian sent her a foreboding text message.
3/14
I wish other companies made commercials that are as asinine as perfume commercials. Just imagine, random nonsensical flashes of suspiciously wet attractive people draped in sheets followed by the logo and someone whispering "Subway."
3/15
I hate how good my wife is at sleeping. She can take a 3 hour nap in the afternoon, then still go to bed at 9:30 and get a full night's sleep. If I nap on the couch for 15 minutes tonight I won't be able to fall asleep in bed until Sunday.
3/15
When I start talking video games with someone and find out that they also could not get into Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild.
3/21
Sometimes I ask my kids to empty the dishwasher and their attempts at trying to put dishes away where they belong makes me think that they don't actually live here.
3/27
I know they tell you not to drink alcohol after donating blood, but that kinda just makes me want to do it even more.
3/28
My son got upset with me because I found a used tissue on the floor and assumed it was his. I told him that sometimes we make assumptions based on historical evidence: he blows his nose frequently and has a tendency to leave the tissues laying around. And I explained that if the question would have been "who drank all the beers" or "who farted" then someone could have similarly concluded that I was the culprit.
3/29
It's pretty depressing when you're voting for your local city council & school board members and the major criteria you have to work with in determining your vote is:
1. Who showed up to the public forum
2. Who said the least stupid shit
3/29
My daughter watching a video of a wombat: "It's like a dog mixed with a pig mixed with an opossum. I kinda hate it."
3/30
Daughter: "Would you rather be a kid or an adult?"
Me: "A kid."
Daughter: "I'm a kid."
Me: "How's that working out for you?"
Daughter: "Pretty nice."
The older they get, the more I see my kids picking up my sense of humor, which is great because I am fucking hilarious. Who would have thought years ago when I started this blog that I would have such a profound impact on impressionable young minds? Great job, me.
-Ryan