Sunday, January 24, 2016

How To Lose A Guy In 10 Seconds

                As I’ve made perfectly clear across numerous posts, I historically don’t have any sort of notable success with the ladies.   Now, for this particular story I’m going to take you back several years to a time in which I had a questionable level of success that turned into one of the most uncomfortable nights of my life.  I’m sure it was a pretty uncomfortable situation for her too, but this is my blog so this is about me; if she wants to talk about how uncomfortable she felt she can make her own blog.

                As I said, this all takes place several years ago.  The story starts while I’m at college, sitting at a table in one of the public areas between classes.  A girl that I had never seen before in my life walks up and asks if she can sit at the table with me because all the other seats are taken.  I happily oblige and we strike up a small conversation.  Surprisingly, I must have made a not-awful first impression because this ended becoming a regular meeting time and place for us for the next few weeks (Hooray, I'm sociable!).   At this point in my life, I was still living at home and I’d have friends over every Friday night for a party.  There’d be cards, drinking, music and all kinds of chicanery that realistically made me wonder why my dad never kicked me out of the house, but whatever.  After several weeks of a budding friendship with this girl I invited her to one of my Friday night parties because I am all about helping people have fun and one of the best ways to have fun is to watch my friends and I make complete drunken fools of ourselves.  She accepted the invite and came to the next party to delight in the kind of raucous tomfoolery one can expect of a handful of 21 year-old morons.

                The night went well; in fact it was going much better than I had anticipated.  This girl (against all logic) seemed to have some sort of infatuation with me, as she spent the entire night nearly glued to my side and on occasion hanging all over me.  I was personally quite impressed with myself at having apparently fooled this girl into thinking that I wasn’t some sort of massive, unappealing spaz, but I kept my mouth shut and went with it.   Eventually, there was some kissing and canoodling that occurred and the two of us kind of tuned out any other people in the room.  The party dwindled down until it was just her and I.  Naturally, at this point I'm still doing a fair bit of patting myself on the back for whatever the hell I did to get her interested.  I was midway through one of my inner-voice "Atta boy!" moments when she pulled back from kissing me, looked me straight in the eye and said absolutely deadpan, “We can’t have sex.  I have chlamydia.”

                I’m sure there are several ways I could have reacted to this revelation.  I’m also equally sure none of them involved me not being completely uncomfortable and wanting to run the hell away.  Let’s get a few things straight here.  First of all, I never assumed there was any sex to be had because I am not a presumptuous person and I also have absolutely no faith in myself to woo women and/or not screw up any given situation no matter how promising it looks.  Secondly, I am totally grateful that she decided it important not to infect me with chlamydia.  Thirdly, there are so many countless ways that she could have gotten out of that situation without outright saying, “By the way, I’ve got rotten-crotch. Thought you should know.”  She could have said she wasn’t ready, it was that time of the month, she had eaten some bad Mexican and was worried about shitting herself, etc.  Instead, what she chose to tell me was exactly how and who she had contracted chlamydia from, which is something that I neither needed nor cared to know.  Seriously, holy shit, sometimes less is more.  And come on, chlamydia is fucking curable; why are you just chilling out with that stuff?! Get some anti-biotics, stay home for a week while they work their magic and then go out and get your party on without having to worry about it burning when you pee.  For fuck's sake.

                Ultimately, my reaction was to tell her that I was “awfully *yawn* tired” so she should probably let herself out because I was going to bed.   As soon as she was gone, I proceeded to disinfect everything in the house; and I do mean EVERYTHING.  At a certain point (around 4:30 in the morning) I was even wiping down my computer mouse with a Clorox wipe because she had used my computer to play a song.  Listen, I paid attention in health class so I know I wasn’t going to get chlamydia from her touching my computer mouse but sometimes it’s important to err on the side of neurotic caution. 

"Shit, I was kissing her.  Better scrub my lips with these things, too."

                The next morning, I called my buddy DΓΌdders and told him to meet me for lunch because we needed to have a manscussion (that’s a discussion between men).   He immediately assumed I was going to tell him that I hooked up with that girl.  When I told him what actually happened, his jaw dropped to about 3 inches from the floor at which point I told him that he needed to get his shit together because as speechless as he was at that moment, he was still hearing it second-hand and I actually had to react to it in the moment as it was happening; which was fucking awful.  And I wish to reiterate that sentiment to anyone reading this: if you were in any way taken aback by the bombshell she dropped on me, I want you to imagine how much worse it was for me when it actually happened.  Now shower me with pity (pity can take the form of money, just fyi).

                I didn’t really talk to her much after that.  She would occasionally message me wondering why I had become so distant and I made up some excuses so I didn’t have to outright tell her that I didn’t stop showering for 2 weeks after that night and that I was still thoroughly unimpressed with her telling of “The Dude And/Or Dudes That Gave Me Chlamydia.” 

                As for me, I still am and always have been completely free of any sexually transmitted diseases.  Ladies?


Friday, January 1, 2016

December Joke Round-Up

Another month has passed, actually another whole year has passed, and I haven’t done anything important at all.  Well, I did write some jokes.  Here’s what I wrote in December.

If I had to describe my idea of the "perfect" girlfriend, I'd probably say something wrong and she'd be yelling at me for it right now.

Sometimes I think that the reason I'm single is because I have unrealistic expectations of women. Mainly that it's unrealistic to expect them to be interested in me.

Sometimes when I'm sitting in traffic on days like today I wonder just how much time I can reasonably buy for my work commute. Maybe I just won't go to work until Thursday and walk in like, "Wow, traffic was hell!"

I'm excited to announce that I've been promoted at work. Effective today, I'm now the store manager for The Tin Shed.
I would like to thank all the women who have turned me down and allowed me to focus on my career.

I remember what it was like before instagram filters, when we had to use legitimate photography skills to trick people into thinking we were photogenic.

Last Wednesday I broke the screen on my phone, rendering me unable to use it or even transfer my contacts or pictures over. Today I ripped the motherboard out of that phone and put it into a phone with a working screen, securing all of my data in the process.
This served the dual purpose of not forcing me to make a Facebook status begging people for their contact information and also allowing me to hang on to all of the fake numbers that women have given me over the years.#‎ModernDaySuccessStory

A lot of my first dates are also last dates. And I think that's really just an efficient use of my time and money.

I've come across some videos of people huffing AXE Body Spray. Apparently it serves the dual purpose of getting you high and making your insides smell just as off-putting as everything else about who you are as a person.

I realized from that week I spent without any contacts in my phone that I initiate most conversations between myself and my friends.
I am now convinced that I'm the annoying friend.

#‎Knuckles is domesticated.

Sometimes I consider sending flowers and gifts to myself at work so that everyone else in the office thinks somebody really loves me.

A couple of weeks ago I spent an evening wandering around the bar telling people that I was actually from Bermuda and was looking forward to getting sworn in as an American citizen on Dec. 5th. I had literally no reason for telling anyone this; it was completely ridiculous BS.
Spoiler alert: I was an American the whole time.

Every time I get asked what I want for Christmas my response is always the same. I just immediately start singing Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance With Somebody."

Kyle: "Growing up I was always the fat one and you were the tall one."
Me: "I wasn't that tall."

I found out today that I'm going to see Weezer on Tuesday. I didn't win tickets or anything; I just bought a ticket 2 months ago and forgot about it. #‎MerryChristmasToMe

Every time I'm at a wedding I get the urge to take out a lighter and wave it in the air to show my support, but apparently wedding etiquette and concert etiquette are two different things.

Me: "I broke up with her. Then I went bowling."
Anthony: "So I guess she wasn't the only one who struck out. I could probably say something about splits too.

This is a vague status about a specific person.

I ate healthy yesterday and played a great hockey game last night. Today I've eaten nothing but cookies and donuts. Life is all about balance.

The lady in front of me was on her phone reading through the Wikipedia article on Weezer during the opening band. I feel bad that she's sitting here cramming and I didn't even study for this concert.

I'm wearing some shoes that have (un-embarrassingly) had glitter stuck to them since Halloween. And then I got this fortune cookie. #‎Fate

I'm going to make an online database full of nothing but facts about me and call it Rickipedia.

We put one of those 2,000 Flushes drop-in tablets in our toilet that is supposed to make it all clean and blue. It turned the water black. Only 1,990 flushes to go.

At no point in my life will I ever be "too mature" for tater tots.

Christmas Party 2015 #‎Knuckles

Bets are rolling in! #‎Knuckles

Party Update: #‎Knuckles was the first one to spill his drink.

#‎Knuckles: "My hand is bigger than my name."

Dustin and I have decided that we need to use our talents and start renting ourselves out for parties.
Are you having a wedding, birthday, Bar Mitzvah or otherwise joyous event? Do you need 2 handsome and charismatic gentlemen to really make your party shine? Call Ryan & Dustin. They'll sing, dance and charm your guests, ensuring the success of your get-together. Champions of celebration, saviors of soiree. They're the Party Heroes.

My sister just got engaged yesterday. I hope I can find a date in time for the wedding.

I did not, in fact, find a date for the wedding but to be totally fair I only had 8 months to look.

I think making chicken noodle soup with a base of DayQuil instead of chicken stock might be an effective home remedy. Need further study on this.

I accidentally watched The Da Vinci Code yesterday. I was in a Nyquil induced haze and found myself incapable of using Netflix. Spent a fair amount of the movie thinking it was the strangest episode of Futurama I had ever seen.

Chicken is my favorite kind of fish.

My sister got engaged Friday. My step-brother got engaged Sunday. I can only imagine that the theme for my family's Christmas this year will be finding new and creative ways to ask me why I'm such a lonely sad sack.

I don't believe in playing hard to get or acting aloof. So when I'm interested in a woman I exhibit all the classic signs to let her know how I feel, such as staring awkwardly, getting tongue-tied over simple words, and saying all of the dumbest things humanly possible.

If I win the Mega Millions I'm going to quit my job and open the Ryan Rick School of Sweet Dance Moves.


My lifetime fitness goal is to never become too fat to see my own penis.

When you're excited to see the new Star Wars movie but you're also kind of a douche.

I know people are really touchy about spoilers right now but I still can't believe that Bruce Willis was dead the whole time.
Also, soylent green is people.

I tried to be nice and not spoil Star Wars for #‎Knuckles. Somehow ended up spoiling Fight Club for him instead.

I felt festive at work.

I once dated a girl who would get so mad at me that I'd end up sleeping on the couch. We didn't live together or anything, she was just angry and I was just dumb.

Not sure why, but a lot of people seem to think that my name is Richard; people frequently call me Dick.

I don't know who this Barnes & Noble commercial is supposed to appeal to but Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett are singing a Christmas song with a not-so-subtle reference to date rape with the theme being "You Never Know Who You'll Meet" and I'm basically just really concerned for the safety of everyone who is trying to buy books.

All I have done today is get drunk and watch a marathon of Disney movies. Pretty sure this is how the 1% live.

I hope Steve Harvey is hired to announce the winner of the presidential election, too. I wanna see the chaos that erupts when he announces Miss Columbia as our next president.

I got cornered at the post office by a guy with a festering head wound who wanted to talk politics. 'Tis the season.

Went out for dinner and drinks with a couple of buddies. Got home and realized I had a price tag from work hanging off the back pocket of my pants all night. Apparently my ass costs $219.

Donald Trump is the kind of person who would have made fun of FDR for being in a wheelchair instead of actually saying anything relevant or useful.

When asked why this disgusting, Hamburger Helper-encrusted thing has been sitting on the counter right next the sink for days on end, #‎Knuckles found it a perfectly reasonable explanation to say, "I got home late Wednesday and didn't have time to wash it after I ate."
It's Tuesday today. #Knuckles has such a jam-packed schedule that he had no time to put this in the dishwasher this week. Adult life is devastatingly difficult for some of us.

Facebook statuses are a really good way of finding out that some people who you previously thought were alright actually annoy the living hell out of you.

I like when people post group pictures and I find myself struggling to figure out which person I actually know.

I went to the snack machine at work and ran into a cute girl from one of the other companies in the building. Wanting to start a conversation I (suavely) said to her, "I like your Mountain Dew."

Had a dream about an ex-girlfriend, then woke up with an awful Charley horse. Even after all this time she still finds new and creative ways to hurt me.

UPDATE: #‎Knuckles just washed his dirty dish from last Wednesday that I posted the other day. It's a Hanukkah miracle! That dish that should have been washed after 1 day actually lasted 8 days on the counter. L'chaim!

I might be drinking Windex.

I get so full of Christmas spirit that I always have trouble controlling my spending this time of year. For instance, for dinner tonight I think I'll spring for the Kraft mac & cheese instead of the store brand.

I ran out of wrapping paper and gift bags so my last gift is in a Trader Joe's bag stuffed with ads.

Watching Die Hard. It's a Christmas movie.

I got a hangover for Christmas. This is the grown up version of coal.

So far my day has consisted of: waking up hungover, cooking myself a balanced breakfast, watching Netflix, paying all my bills, drinking a beer in the shower, doing laundry, playing Xbox and eating tater tots. #‎ManChild

Seeking for immediate employment a highly qualified individual to kiss at midnight on New Year’s Eve. Entry level position with potential for long-term hire and upward mobility. Base compensation of dinner and a minimum of 3 drinks. Additional benefits are negotiable. All applicants must provide a clean bill of health, recent full-color photograph, 3 character references and submit to a background check/psychological evaluation.

Me: "I wish Liam Neeson was my dad."
Lauren: "You'd be so much taller."

Me: "What the hell is that girl wearing? None of her clothes match."
Alex: "I think she's supposed to be punk."
Me: "Obviously her inspiration was The Clash."

Kyle: "What'd you get for Christmas?"
Me: "Drunk."

Sometimes you have to walk into a crowded bar and blast some songs that nobody even realized they wanted to hear, like "Mmmbop" and "Barbie Girl."
I'm not the hero the bar deserves, but I'm the one it needs right now.

In case anyone needs to take to higher ground in all this rain, I'd like to remind you that my apartment is on the 2nd floor and I have beer.

I see some people on Facebook who are constantly listing themselves as in and out of a relationship with the same person. I think there should be a new relationship status for that: "In a repeating cycle of failure with ______."

I think people just need to know that I was such a bum yesterday the only thing I really accomplished was changing from one set of pajamas into another.

Dave brought in date pudding to work. Best date I've had this year.

I like that when I try to type "horrible" my phone suggests that I actually meant "horticultural." Because deep down I really just want to talk about my passion for gardening.

Occasionally, even one of my close friends will mistake me for a mature, responsible, well-adjusted, socially competent adult with no serious psychological maladies or outlandish personality quirks. 
It's times like these that I consider moving to Hollywood to pursue an acting career.

Remember, when setting your New Year's resolutions make sure to include "Hang out with Ryan Rick more" as one of them.

HR Manager: "I asked Tom to come to my office but he came too quickly."
Me: "A lot of us have that problem."
Another fine example of a conversation that potentially jeopardizes my employment.

Realistically, I’m going to be just as awful of a person in 2016 as I was in 2015.


I've been avoiding onions, garlic and anything else that might give me bad breath just in case anyone wants to kiss me tonight....ladies?

Might wanna DVR the New Year's Eve celebration so I can catch the countdown tomorrow afternoon when I'll actually remember it.

I’m hoping I feel inspired to write even more jokes this year.