Oh hi, January
is already over because this planet is just hurtling us around the sun at a
seemingly increasing rate of speed. The good
news here is that I have not broken any of my new year’s resolutions yet. I didn’t make any resolutions because if you
really feel like making a change in life you can do that whenever you like
regardless of what the calendar looks like.
Also, I’m awesome already so my one resolution would be to just keep
doing that. Speaking of awesome, let’s
look at these jokes already.
1/5
Laying in bed the other night, my wife got up to go to the bathroom and the following conversation happened when she came back to bed.
Me: "I love you."
Her: "I love you. I didn't wake you up, did I?"
Me: "No, I was awake. I just came to bed a few minutes ago."
Her: "Oh, so you probably woke me up. Jerk."
#FeelTheLove
1/8
There are a few randoms who have added me as a FB friend over the years that I do not know personally and honestly don't even really like, but I haven't unfriended them because observing the stupid shit they post as they seemingly navigate life without a brain makes me feel like Jane Goodall.
1/8
For a little peek behind the curtain about my last joke: I had the initial thought for it while laying it bed, but knew I would need to flesh out the idea the following day. Not wanting to forget the idea, I sent a quick text to my sleeping wife knowing she would be confused and remind me. Sure enough, the next morning I had forgotten all about the joke until my wife walked into the kitchen and asked, "Why did you text me 'Jane Goodall' at 11:30 last night?"
1/12
My wife's plans for the day included a gynecologist appointment and also picking up a coat rack for our front room. But those 2 things together on her calendar seem concerning.
Laying in bed the other night, my wife got up to go to the bathroom and the following conversation happened when she came back to bed.
Me: "I love you."
Her: "I love you. I didn't wake you up, did I?"
Me: "No, I was awake. I just came to bed a few minutes ago."
Her: "Oh, so you probably woke me up. Jerk."
#FeelTheLove
There are a few randoms who have added me as a FB friend over the years that I do not know personally and honestly don't even really like, but I haven't unfriended them because observing the stupid shit they post as they seemingly navigate life without a brain makes me feel like Jane Goodall.
For a little peek behind the curtain about my last joke: I had the initial thought for it while laying it bed, but knew I would need to flesh out the idea the following day. Not wanting to forget the idea, I sent a quick text to my sleeping wife knowing she would be confused and remind me. Sure enough, the next morning I had forgotten all about the joke until my wife walked into the kitchen and asked, "Why did you text me 'Jane Goodall' at 11:30 last night?"
My wife's plans for the day included a gynecologist appointment and also picking up a coat rack for our front room. But those 2 things together on her calendar seem concerning.
1/13
Just flexing a little on my work meetings.
Just flexing a little on my work meetings.
This morning I shared a meme on my personal page of a fabricated conversation making fun of Joe Rogan. Some guy got mad at me because apparently he didn't think it was obvious enough that it was a joke. Guess I better go back through my photos and put a disclaimer on them or else he might end up out there looking for that fake Salt-N-Peppa Pig album I made.
Someone made a post in my local community page that essentially said, "Hey things are rough, don't be a dick to service industry workers" and this apparently was a point of view worth arguing about to a lot of people.
That's really all you need to know about why society is fucked.
My wife was late getting home from work tonight. So, lacking adult supervision, dinner was me using a spatula to launch tater tots across the room for the kids to try to catch in their mouths.
I really should have my own cooking show. There's nothing inherently impressive about the things I cook, but watching me sing Madonna's "Like A Prayer" into a spaghetti fork could surely snag a few viewers.
1/20
It was actually pretty disappointing how many people did not get this joke. On the bright side, my awesome wife joined me in my tomfoolery.
It was actually pretty disappointing how many people did not get this joke. On the bright side, my awesome wife joined me in my tomfoolery.
1/22
You can play golf in GTA V.
According to Google, the first golf course in the United States was built in 1892.
Rockstar, I demand a playable golf course in the Red Dead Redemption series.
You can play golf in GTA V.
According to Google, the first golf course in the United States was built in 1892.
Rockstar, I demand a playable golf course in the Red Dead Redemption series.
1/22
Making some mixed drinks over here.
Making some mixed drinks over here.
I can't say that I've ever really enjoyed bread. It's just a vehicle to get other things to my mouth.
To everyone mad about M&M's being made "less sexy" now, I need you to please also weigh in with your thoughts on the Snickers dick vein.
1/27
This is a perfectly reasonable reaction to having your post deleted from a group, right?
This is a perfectly reasonable reaction to having your post deleted from a group, right?
1/28
Joe Rogan fans get so upset if you even allude to any negativity towards him or his level of intelligence.
Like, sorry, I don't consider the guy who hosted a show about people eating pickled buffalo dick for money as one of the foremost thinkers of our time.
Joe Rogan fans get so upset if you even allude to any negativity towards him or his level of intelligence.
Like, sorry, I don't consider the guy who hosted a show about people eating pickled buffalo dick for money as one of the foremost thinkers of our time.
1/29
My previous joke is actually a comment I left on another post I saw making fun of Joe Rogan. And to be honest, reading the responses on that post by his upset fans feels a lot like reading the lyrics to Eminem's song "Stan".
My previous joke is actually a comment I left on another post I saw making fun of Joe Rogan. And to be honest, reading the responses on that post by his upset fans feels a lot like reading the lyrics to Eminem's song "Stan".
It is
probably worth mentioning that I actually did drink the Pepto/Nyquil cocktail because
I hate being wasteful. It was disgusting.
If you are suffering from a mix of ailments that could be tackled by both
of those medications, I strongly suggest taking them separately. And seriously, if one of the 3 people reading
this right now can get word to Rockstar to put golf into the Red Dead series, I
would be eternally grateful.
-Ryan