At the time of me writing this, it’s a little before noon on New Year’s Eve. Of course I’m not posting it until tomorrow morning, but I don’t want to feel like I am required to get anything done while I am celebrating the new year (sitting in my basement with friends) or potentially nursing a hangover. I am wise in my years now and I am planning ahead. The obvious risk I am taking is that if I come up with any super hilarious jokes this afternoon, I’ll have to hold on to them until tomorrow at the earliest and hope none of them were time sensitive, as I’m closing the books on my joke-writing for 2023. So here is the last bath for this year.
12/2
One of the best things anyone in my family says to me is, "I'm full, do you want to finish this?"
12/5
It's an advertising miracle that Taco Bell commercials can look so enticing for something that is going to give me heartburn and diarrhea.
12/8
I've only been in this store long enough to hear 3 Christmas songs and I'm ready to burn the whole place down. My sympathies to the poor souls who have to hear this shit all day.
12/8
Look at me. I'm the Tribal Chief now. #AcknowledgeMe
12/8
I found a Thneed
12/10
My wife does not understand why I like the game PowerWash Simulator so much and to be honest, neither do I.
12/12
My wife just said the sexiest thing I've ever heard: "I want you to finish PowerWash Simulator so you can buy the new Mario game and I can watch you play it."
12/16
We are officially deep in the throes of the holiday season now; the time when people talk a big game about holiday spirit, being grateful, and “do unto others" while simultaneously acting like complete shit heads to everyone around them, ESPECIALLY if the people around them are retail or service workers. So, in the spirit of all that is good and right in the world this holiday season, if you see someone being rude to a person who is just doing their job, please take it upon yourself to interject and let them know exactly how many bags of dicks they can eat.
12/18
Personally, I am Team "Not Satisfied With The Temperature Of My Shower Unless There Is A Risk Of Having To Visit The Burn Ward Afterwards."
12/19
I am deeply amused by pharmaceutical commercials that have people saying things like, "I have moderate to severe diarrhea" just in casual conversation with their friends and family.
12/23
The fire in the fireplace wasn't quite enough, so I put one on the TV to make things extra cozy.
12/24
From now on, consider all my flavors ENHANCED.
12/24
Instead of a gingerbread cookie house held together with icing, I want a tortilla chip house held together with queso.
Nachos. I just want a plate of nachos.
12/24
My wife is upset with me this Christmas Eve because I called her the c word. She did not appreciate being referred to as a cotton-headed-ninny-muggins.
12/26
Kind of ridiculous that on my days off I can look at the clock and realize that I've lost the last 4 hours of my life but that same thing never happens on work days.
12/28
A Marie Callender chicken pot pie takes 10 minutes to cook in the microwave or 65 minutes to cook in the oven. It probably is better when cooked in the oven, but I'll never find out because I'm not waiting that long to eat.
What will the new year bring? I can tell you with absolute sincerity that it will be a whole lot more of the same stupid bullshit I’ve written jokes about this past year and all the years before that: lots of potty humor and poor eating habits. Joy!
-Ryan