Thursday, November 17, 2016

Concession Speech

                So, it’s been a rough week and a half for me since the election.  Though I felt that I had a strong campaign with a platform that was beneficial to all Americans, it appears to have been a fruitless endeavor for me.    Despite the fact that there are still a good number of votes to be counted and verified across the nation, it would appear that, as the dust settles, Donald Trump will win the Electoral vote and Hillary Clinton will win the popular vote.  Acknowledging this outcome, it is with a heavy heart that I have to concede this race; my bid to be elected President in 2016 has fallen short of its goal.

                With this, I believe the real hurt to be how my campaign, which I felt to be full of honesty, integrity, tolerance and moderation, performed well below even my own modest expectations.  I actually got a smaller portion of the vote than Jill Stein, who believed she could use a magic trick to erase student loan debt (it seems her understanding of quantitative easing is that it’s basically your grandpa pulling a quarter out of your ear).  I got fewer votes than a guy who dresses like this:

This is a man who is angry about his own fashion choices.

                I feel like a bigger failure than Jeb Bush right now and he had to tell his audience to clap for him at one of his rallies.  Truthfully, my only saving grace is that I spent about $130 million less on my campaign than he did, mostly because my campaign finances were budgeted at approximately $7.36 (an amount that was raised entirely through grassroots fundraising efforts).

I know how you feel, Jeb

                I thought I had tapped into what the American people really wanted.  I thought I had heard the message loud and clear; they wanted someone who wasn’t a politician, someone who was an outsider.  I thought I fit that mold perfectly without any of that troublesome racism or sexism, but apparently I just wasn’t inflammatory or attention-grabbing enough.  Though I feel proud that I stuck to my convictions throughout my campaign, I am saddened to announce that it was my own fault for misreading what the American people wanted in a president and launching my campaign at a time where I simply didn’t fit the mold of what less than half the population of America was willing to vote for in a leader.

                Even more disappointing is the fact that, according to exit polling, I actually got a negative percentage of the votes.  This means that, not only did I not get a single vote in my favor, someone actually took the time to write-in “Not Ryan Rick” and that this was actually legitimately counted as a vote against me.  Really, I think if more people had known that you could vote against a person, without casting a vote for their opponent, the outcome of this election would have been a lot different.

Pretty sure this is what the electoral map would have looked like.

                So I sit here, disappointed in myself and trying to find a new direction for myself.  For at least the time being, my political aspirations are on hold.  It’s a tough pill to swallow, but I consider myself a realist and I just don’t see myself realistically making up 60 million plus votes and literally all of the electoral votes, even with recounts.  I’ll just have to move my focus back to doing what I do best (as soon as I figure out what that is).  And to all voters out there, even those (stupid) people that didn’t vote for me, I hope that we can all realize that democracy has spoken and we can come together and show the same kind of grace, humility and American pride in supporting the winner of this contentious presidential election as was shown to Barack Obama when he handily won both the Electoral College and the popular vote.

Apparently, these people were celebrating democracy.

                Lastly, I’d like to express my extreme disappointment in finding out that there are no snacks involved with a concession speech, despite the obvious implications with the name “concession.”  Now is the perfect time for me to eat away my sadness.  This is bullshit.

If I’m going to lose I should at least be able to lose with nachos.


Tuesday, November 1, 2016

October 2016 Joke Round-Up

                Slow start to this month.  You’ll notice a couple of things throughout this month’s jokes.  First of all, my references to my Halloween costume.  Secondly, I continue with the political jokes, which will thankfully end after the 8th of this month when we’re all required to use private servers that are easily hackable by 400lb Russians or when all forms of political humor are silenced by lawsuits filed by those who are offended by jokes about tiny hands and orange skin.   So, enjoy these while you can.

I got my Michael Jackson Thriller jacket for Halloween and was so stoked about it that I started wearing it immediately. Shortly after, I saw a someone I knew walking with their kid, so I smiled, waved and played a little peek-a-boo with the kid.
To any observers, all they saw was someone dressed as MJ smiling at other people's children. Damn.

Last night a few friends at I went out to the bar. At one point, one of the friends and I exited the bar to go to the bathroom (the bathroom in the main area was less crowded than the one inside the bar). Apparently, in between the time we exited the bar and got back to the entrance, they started charging a $5 cover and handing out wristbands to show you'd paid your cover. We did not have wrist bands. We also did not have cash on us for the cover charge. Conveniently, there was a nearby ATM. Inconveniently, the ATM was inside the bar that I needed the cash to get into. I ended up having to pass my debit card to one of my friends who was still inside the bar to get cash from this ATM, which charged me a $4 fee, to be able to pay for my friend and I to get back into a bar which we had already been in.
I paid $14 to take pee.
Also, I made this sweet picture of the set up.

You know the asshole bully antagonist that was in basically every single 80s movie ever? Trump reminds me of all of them rolled into one awful orange person.

I really haven't done much writing lately. And I think a lot of that stems from the fact that nothing I write could be anywhere near as big of a joke as this presidential election.

I got stuck driving behind a brand new Corvette (temp tags still on it!) going 19 mph. Judging by the age of the driver, he'd just traded in his Flintstones car for it and wasn't used to having a gas pedal.

All the TV's in the bar froze and I'm slightly worried that I've stumbled upon a tear in the space-time continuum.

When you're time-traveling and you accidentally break shit.

Is Billy Bush gonna be at the debate tonight?

My summary of last night's presidential debate.
I spent an uncomfortable amount of time working on this picture doing Google image searches of "Donald Trump" and "High resolution asshole," which turned out to produce the same results.
P.S. - Trump totally would bleach his mouth-asshole.

I'm watching The Chronicles of Riddick and just waiting for Vin Diesel to race a car.
The Chronicles of Riddick: Fast and Furyan

Kahla wanted a picture but I got distracted because I noticed someone bringing out a plate of hot wings.

"I would seriously name my daughter Annie just so I could ask her if she's okay." – J-Bone

One of the most difficult things I've been dealing with lately is that I can no longer write jokes about being single, but I haven't been in my relationship long enough to write jokes about relationships unless I want to have to go back to writing jokes about being single.

Just a happy little piece of sectional.
It's looking forward to touching some butts.” – Kahla

In case anyone needs a last minute costume, for just under $4 you can be a shithead.

At one point this weekend I spent a good 10 minutes trying on women's belts in Wal-Mart while dressed as Michael Jackson.
Because, whatever...I don't need to/can't excuse myself for who I am and what I do.

              Fingers crossed that I’ll be able to post another one of these next month!