February is
over, which means we are nearing the end of the shittiest half of the year in
fall and winter. I say this, of course,
as we are in the early stages of the next potential world war in which spring
could feasibly be replaced with nuclear winter, so that’s fun. I’m just going to keep writing jokes because
what the hell else are you gonna do, right?
And because society itself is a walking punchline, as Ukrainians fight
to keep their country from Russian invaders currently, here in America we have
a bunch of man-children driving across country because they’re mad about being
asked to do the bare minimum to stop the spread of a worldwide pandemic. We are absolutely living in the dumbest
timeline. So here are some jokes.
2/3
Having a bit
of a rough morning today, I powered through several cups of coffee. I ended up
putting more caffeine in my body in an hour than I typically have in a day. And
suddenly I understand that episode of Saved By The Bell when Jessie was abusing
those caffeine pills.
2/4
I hope
nobody farts in this elevator.
2/7
My wife is
having surgery this week and to avoid any rescheduling of it due to COVID I did
not attend the annual hot wing festival that is essentially a religious holiday
for me. Pretty sure that means I don't have to do anything for her for
Valentine's Day because there's not really anything more romantic or meaningful
that I can do that tops skipping wings for her.
2/10
I told my
wife that while she's getting surgery this morning I'm gonna go find a bar and
she can just come be my DD once the procedure is done. #Romantic
2/10
I have been
telling my wife for years that she snores like a freight train. While going
over her medical history today the question came up of "do you snore
loudly" and I finally had to come clean that I'd made it up just to tease
her. After the glare she gave me I am pretty sure the nurse is concerned for my
safety.
2/10
The first
thing my wife said after waking up from anesthesia was "I'm hungry, I want
tacos" so I guess she's fine.
2/11
My daughter
just forgot the term "take a chill pill" and instead told me I needed
to "take a calm shot." #ShotsShotsShots
2/12
Just flexing
my "Group Expert" status.
2/12
My son has
been playing Plague Inc. on his tablet lately. He just infected the entire
world with a disease he named "Hot N Tasty."
2/13
Who wore it
better?
2/15
Just gonna
leave this right here.
2/17
I don't want
to dress like Johnny Weir but I would love that level of confidence in my
wardrobe because far too often have I put on pants and shirt, looked in the
mirror and thought something to the effect of, "I don't know if this is
too much blue. And are my shoes too big for my pants?"
2/21
My wife and kids all have the day off
from work/school for President's Day.
Me: "Geez, you all are so lucky.
Enjoy your day off while I spend the day working."
Daughter: "Oh no, you have to stay
in the basement wearing your pajamas. So terrible."
Looks like somebody's gonna be scrubbing
the kitchen tiles with a toothbrush today.
2/24
All I'm
saying is that this stuff with Russia is messed up and I'm going to be really
mad if the world gets nuked before I get to see Dr. Strange in the Multiverse
of Madness.
2/25
I'm not
being dramatic. This is serious.
2/26
I am turning
into Pavlov's Dog. I don't even have to actually drink the coffee anymore, just
pour myself a cup of it and I immediately have to use the bathroom.
2/26
I caught my
daughter laying on the couch humming "99 Red Balloons" and I've never
felt more successful as a parent than I do right now.
2/28
There's been
some people in my local community page asking where they can go to watch the
so-called "Freedom Convoy" pass by and that is so weird to me because
I have never once thought to myself "I would really like to go see some
children throwing a tantrum."
One fun thing about that last
joke is that, like clockwork, it brought my very own troll back out of the
woodwork. See, I wrote a joke back in
October that apparently he didn’t like and since then he shows up to comment on
any vaguely political joke that I write.
I like to think that I’m pretty self aware; I write these jokes as a
hobby and for a pretty miniscule audience, so I truly can’t think of much that
is more pathetic than someone spending 4 months (and counting) of their life
hate-following my page. Fucking big
yikes for that dude. On the bright side,
because of the way Facebook algorithms work, he’s actually increasing my page
reach, so thanks I guess?
-Ryan