Sunday, May 1, 2016

April 2016 Joke Round-Up

Another month.  Here’s some jokes.  Read them!

Honestly, I have no idea how people got anywhere before mapquest & GPS. Sometimes I struggle to find my way out of my apartment.

Apparently someone's idea of an April Fools joke was to mess with the guard setting on my beard trimmer. Pretty sure my idea of an April Fools retaliation is murder.

I want to get a group together to take one of those old-time novelty photographs, but have one person standing in the background dressed as Marty McFly and looking confused.

I think dating apps are a great way to find out that nobody within 30 miles of you thinks you're worth a shit.

I like scrolling through my newsfeed and reading political & economic policy opinions from people whose only understanding of inflation is when they have to put air in their tires.

#Knuckles is eating dinner out of a casserole dish on a TV tray while sitting at the kitchen table.

Off work today, but had a conference call scheduled for this morning so I got up early and got dressed because I thought it was a video conference. Turns out it was audio only. Really disappointed in this pants situation at the moment.

I had to stop by the dealership where I got my car this evening and I noticed the girl working the front desk was pretty cute. So my plan is to buy several more cars and/or frequently break mine so that I can "conveniently" run into her more often.

I was at the store, talking to what I thought was my friend standing next to me. Turned out that I had been talking to a cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber.

"My last act as your roommate will be to murder you in your sleep." - #‎Knuckles

The vending machine at work has packages of ramen noodles for 55 cents. What a ripoff.

I like drinking milk out of scotch glasses in the morning. It feels like the perfect combination of sophistication, rebelliousness and responsibility.

Got caught wearing the same outfits.

Watched a movie about an evil mirror. Slightly concerned that everyone in the movie still had great hair, despite the mirror's apparent malevolence.

My phone still has yet to figure out that at no point have I ever meant to say "ducking" but I have managed to teach it "Tarasenko" and I feel like that's a personal victory.

Was offered some goat cheese at dinner tonight. Never had it before and wasn't quite sure what to do, so I just ate a big spoonful. Apparently I was supposed to put it on top of my pasta. Life is full of learning experiences.

I ran into a former teacher at a karaoke bar last night. She seemed embarrassed to be caught out drinking by a student but then I reminded her that it had been like 15 years since I was in her class and promised that I wouldn't tell the other kids.

I dreamt last night that I was getting ready for school (why?) and that I had a mullet (ew!) and that I actually thought it looked really good (NOOO!!).
My nightmares are weird.

My hockey team was a little short-handed tonight so we found this guy to fill in as goalie for us.

I like when people are upset and post 3 angry sentences followed up with "End Rant." When I'm pissed off about something I write scholarly essays with proper MLA citations.

Netflix has thrown Friends in as a suggestion because I watched a horror movie. I thought I had seen most of the episodes over the years but I guess I missed "The One Where Ross Snaps And Goes On A Killing Spree."

Having a twitter account with no followers is the equivalent of sitting in your car and talking to yourself.

Oscar Mayer is recalling 96,000 lbs of hot dogs because they may have accidentally put cheese dogs in the regular hot dog packages. I feel like finding one of these packages would be even more exciting than opening your fast food bag and finding a surprise curly fry in your regular fries.

I am not emotionally stable enough to handle playoff hockey.

I will never complete a marathon in my life. I bought a car specifically so that I never have to run 26.2 miles.

"Every group of friends has that friend that's an idiot. But with us, that's the entire group." - LP

There was a guy in front of me at the store who was buying condoms and looking very nervous/embarassed. So, I gave him a high five because I think that guy has every right to feel awesome.

"You're an asshole because you have the power and you choose not to accept it." - #‎Knuckles
There is no context to this quote because there was no context when it was said. I just want everyone to be as confused as I am.

I like to keep this packet of earl grey tea in my wallet just in case. Sometimes you need to make things a little steamy.

So this is a thing.

I’m probably gonna write more jokes next month.  Probably.