Monday, December 21, 2015

Super Cop vs. Über Driver

                As I’ve said in the past, sometimes a single night of drinking can spawn several crazy stories all at once.  And sometimes, a single night of drinking can spawn just one entirely ridiculous story.  Sometimes, there are parts of that story that are so entirely inconceivable that I have to do a double take myself, even while I’m in the middle of things happening (having a drunken existential crisis is dangerous and terrifying because drunk-you has some very creative ways of trying to find out if you’re in real life).  Based on my well-documented track record with women this story has one major leap of faith for you, but trust me when I say that you’ll be rewarded if you stick around til the end.

                This night started off simple enough: I met up with my buddy and we went out to a popular local bar (Fast Eddie’s, for those in the area) to celebrate his birthday.  Drinks were flowing, music was playing, fun was being had; it was a really great time.  It wasn’t long before a few of us found ourselves out on the dance floor.  If I haven’t already mentioned it, the dance floor is probably my most natural habitat and this night was no different as I am not ashamed to say that I was absolutely tearing it up out there (let me have this one thing, I’ll go back to self-loathing here in a minute).   Surprisingly enough, I started dancing with some random girl out on the dance floor and we really seemed to hit it off.  Song after song came on and we kept dancing together and chatting the whole time; arguably the most success I’ve had with a woman in recent (or distant) memory.

                Every so often, we’d take a break from the dancing to go grab a drink and chat some more.  It was during one of these breaks that we were introduced to this girl’s roommate/friend.  From this point in the story, to alleviate any confusion, we will refer to the girl I was dancing with as Hotlips and her friend as Hairdo (I didn't like her hair style).   Well, we all went back out to the dance floor and I continued to dance with Hotlips as my buddy now danced with Hairdo.  As the night wore on and more drinks continued to flow I eventually ended up just making out with Hotlips in the middle of the dance floor (1, because I’m classy like that and 2, that’s why I named her Hotlips in this story).    It wasn’t long before Hotlips took the initiative and said those 6 magic words, “Put my number in your phone,” which I happily did.  She also made it a point to tell me she thought I was really cool and that I better text or call her the next day because she liked me.  I promise, as much as I’m using this paragraph to stroke my own ego, this will play a role later in the story.

                After a while, Hotlips and Hairdo told us that their group of friends was going to go to another bar nearby and insisted that we come with them.    This seemed like all the convincing any of us needed because we like going new places and doing fun things, so my buddy and I hopped in his car and followed their group to the next bar.  Somewhere in this whole story I should probably mention that my buddy is married, his wife was along with us and that she had told him for his birthday she was getting him a threesome with another girl (this is an important fact because it creates a nice compare & contrast situation with my own night).  So, at this next bar, my buddy, his wife and Hairdo all sat together chatting it up and making googly-eyes at one another while Hotlips and I sat at an adjacent table chatting, drinking and having a good time of our own.  We weren’t at this bar very long before Hairdo suggested that we all go back to her place to hang out.   Hotlips looked at me and said “I want you to come too, but I’m not going to sleep with you tonight.”   Now, not only can I totally respect that, but I hadn’t even expected any sex that night because I know what my chances are with women and I am comfortable with going to be alone, so my totally appropriate response was, “That’s okay, I wasn’t gonna sleep with you first.  But I don’t have a car here so I have to go where everyone else goes.”  All 5 of us piled into my buddy’s vehicle and we were off to Hairdo & Hotlips’ place. 

                The car ride was pretty uneventful aside from the fact that Hotlips passed out on the back seat and Hairdo kept yelling at me that I wasn’t allowed to sing along to the radio because she wanted to sing along to the radio.  Some people are just rude.

                We got to their place and my buddy’s wife had to run off to grab something or other but said she’d be back shortly.   Hotlips began absentmindedly wandering from room to room before ultimately disappearing, Hairdo began showing my buddy her collection of vinyl records and I found a dog in the house so I immediately sat down on the floor to pet it because that’s where my priorities are.  It wasn’t very long before Hairdo and my buddy were dancing around to Meatloaf’s Paradise by the Dashboard Lights and I was scratching that doggie’s belly until his leg was kicking because, again, priorities.  At this point, however, I began concocting an exit strategy because I had a strong inkling that Hotlips was passed out somewhere and I didn’t want to just be chilling in some stranger’s living room while Hairdo was having a threesome with my buddy and his wife.  My inner-monologue and planning was suddenly interrupted by Hairdo yelling at me to go into Hotlips’ room because “She’s in there waiting for you.”  I argued back that she was already passed out and not even aware I was there, but Hairdo was insistent on getting me the hell out of the living room, so I wandered into Hotlips’ room, shut the door, sat on the floor and spent about 5 minutes listening to her horrendous snoring while I worked out the logistics of my escape plan.

                After a few minutes, with my plan all hashed up, I walked out of the room and into the living room, right past my buddy and Hairdo still dancing, confidently declared “I’m gonna run down to that McDonald’s we passed and get some food,” and was then out the door before anyone could object.  I had to get my phone out and use Google Maps to actually find the McDonald’s that I was referencing, but I basically Ferdinand Magellan’d my way through some yards and side streets until I got there.  I also spent a fair amount of time hiding in bushes because every time I saw a car coming I would dive out of sight in case it was my buddy’s wife, who I didn’t want to see me and ask where I was going (the food story worked once, but I didn’t know if I could chance it again, plus it kinda made me feel like a badass). 

I should probably invest in a ghillie suit for my next adventure.

                I also took this time walking to McDonald’s to download the Über app to my phone and hire someone to pick me up at McDonald’s.   Since the McDonald’s was at the corner of 2 busy roads and obviously well-lit and well-trafficked, it seemed like a logical place to get a ride.   I would like to take a moment to point out how well thought-out this entire thing was and pat myself on the back for it (shut up, I can be proud of myself sometimes).

                After a little bit of a wait, my Über driver showed up and I hopped in the backseat of his car (I assumed that’s where I was supposed to sit because it’s like a cab, right?).  Now, I don’t actually know the address to my buddy’s place, but I know it’s right behind another McDonald’s so I asked the driver to take me to the McDonald’s at that intersection because it was the easiest, most logical directions I could give him.  Yes, I hired an Über driver to take me from one McDonald’s to another.  Unfortunately, before we even got out of the parking lot (before we actually started moving) there was a cop car behind us with his lights on.   I don’t want to say that the cop was pulling us over, because we were already parked, but there was a little bit of confusion as to whether or not we should try to pull over more.

Basically this.

                Now, this is where things got really interesting.  The cop walked up to the driver’s side of the vehicle and both myself and the driver rolled down our windows to talk to him.

Cop: “What’s going on here? Why is this guy picking you up at McDonald’s? How do you know him?”
Me: “It’s the Über driver I hired to give me a ride back to my car.”
Cop: “Where are you guys going?”
Driver: “The McDonald’s at the corner of St. Charles Rock Road and Natural Bridge.”
Cop: “You’re going from one McDonald’s to another?   Get out of the car.”

Now, I’m not sure if this cop was just having a bad night or if he thought he was thwarting a global McNugget smuggling operation or what, but I quickly realized that now was now the appropriate time to tell him that I was going to another McDonald’s because this one was out of Sweet N Sour dipping sauce so I was taking my business elsewhere.  Sometimes I do know when to shut up.

Me: “Is there a problem here, officer?”
Cop: “I said get out of the car!  Go stand next to the front of my cruiser and keep your hands where I can see them.”
So, I got out of the car and walked over to the police cruiser, wondering if I’m going to somehow get arrested for legally hiring a ride.  It’s also worth mentioning that the cop was white and my driver was a black guy who I am totally sure was thinking “Well, I’m fucked here” because that’s pretty much what he said as soon as the cop put his lights on behind us.
Cop: “What’s really going on here?”
Me: “I was at a party at some peoples’ house nearby.  I needed to leave but didn’t have my car so I hired this driver to meet me here because it’s a pretty public place.  I have the Über app pulled up on my phone if you want to see all the driver info and everything.”
Cop: “So if I ask him if he’s an Über driver he’s going to corroborate that story?”
Me: “Yes, that’s his job.  I can show you the app right here….”
Cop: “I don’t need to see that!  How are you paying this guy?”
Me: “The app charges my credit card directly.  Here, I can show you it has all of his info, his vehicle’s info and my card info showing the ride paid for.”
Cop: “PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY, I DON’T NEED TO SEE THAT!  Stay right here, I’m going to go talk to him.”

I watched as the cop talked to the driver for a little bit and thought to myself about how great of a story this whole situation was going to me.  After only a couple of minutes, the cop came back over to me.

Cop: “What’s really going on here?”
Me: “What?  I told you, I was at a party here and it was time for me to go but I didn’t have my car because I rode there with someone else so I hired a driver through the Über app.  I still have it pulled up on my phone…”
Cop: “Why is this guy picking you up at McDonald’s?”
Me: “Because that’s the spot I chose for him to pick me up.  It seemed easier than some random house in the neighborhood.”
Cop: “Where’s he taking you?”
Me: “My car.  I don’t know the address of my buddy’s apartment but I know it’s right behind where the McDonald’s is, so that’s where I told the driver to go.”
Cop: “What’s really going on here?”
Me: “I don’t know what you want me to say.  I already told you what’s going on.”
Cop: “Why is this guy picking you up?”
Me: “I was at a party.  People started hooking up.  I was not hooking up.  I had to leave.  I had no car.  I hired someone to pick me up.”
Cop: “Why didn’t you tell me this before?”
Me: “I didn’t think my lack of a sex life was an important piece of information in this situation.”
Cop: “You’re free to go.”

                I hopped back in the car and we were on our way, finally.  On the way to my car the driver and I had a nice conversation about the nature of race relations and police encounters in the St. Louis area.  I also gave him a nice tip and a 5-star review, so if you’re using Über in the St. Louis area and your driver is a guy named Frederick with a Chevy Impala, ask him about the time he got pulled over at McDonald’s and tell him hi.  I got to my car and had driven about halfway home before my buddy called me asking where the hell I went for food.  I gleefully told him, “I was lying! I actually tried to go home and got pulled over.  It’s all good now, enjoy your sex!”

                And remember the part when I said Hotlips demanded I put her number in my phone and told me she really wanted to see me again because she liked me?  She never responded when I tried to contact her.  I told you it would all make sense in the end. But at least I got a great story to go along with my first Über review.   And I hope that cop eventually did get to the bottom of that McNugget smuggling operation.

Street value on these is insane.  You’ll do hard time if you’re caught with them.


Thursday, December 10, 2015

7 Surefire Signs That She Is Or Isn’t Into You

                I don’t mean to brag, but I spend a fair amount of time on the internet.  It’s great because you can find literally anything you want online.  Need to find out what that weird noise coming from under your car’s hood is? You can look it up.  Need to find out how to fix your broken phone? You can find it (and I did!).  Need to find out what ailment you’re suffering from?  Go to an actual doctor because Web MD will have you convinced that you’re dying.  And because I’m such a pathetic and lonely individual, the wonderful world of targeted online ads is almost always showing me links to articles promising to teach me the secrets of understanding and wooing women.  That’s all fine and dandy, but I’m pretty sure that I could write a book full of tips on the opposite sex.  Actually, a book seems like an awful lot of work, but I am almost entirely positive that I could write a blog post about it, so here goes just a little bit of my wisdom in the realm of discerning the telltale signs that a women is or isn't into you. It can be difficult to read the signs sometimes, but with my help I think you'll be able to navigate through them.  Here are 7 Surefire Signs That She Is Or Isn’t Into You:

She Texts You First
This one is almost a no-brainer.  If you know a girl who goes out of her way to talk to you without you having to initiate contact, then it definitely means that she’s into you because she is looking for reasons to make you a part of her day.  Alternatively, this could also mean that you are a fun and interesting person who she enjoys talking to but has no romantic or sexual interest in whatsoever.  If she isn’t texting you first, it is entirely possible that she is really attracted to you but is unsure of your level of interest and is nervous about interjecting herself in your day, in which you totally need to make the effort to reach out to her first, unless of course she is not interested in you at all and every time you text her she finds it awful and annoying.

She Dresses Up Around You
This is another one that is pretty cut and dry.  We all know quite well that we as humans try to look our best for potential love interests and, surprise, women are humans too that employ the same strategy.   So if she’s clearly made an effort to look good every time you see her, that is a sign that she is into you. But, it could also mean that she just takes pride in her appearance and puts that same kind of effort into her looks all the time. On the other hand, if she tends to be more dressed down when you see her, it could be a sign that she is comfortable enough around you to let down her guard and show you a more natural side, but it could also mean that she just doesn’t give a shit what you think of how she looks because she doesn’t see you as a romantic candidate.

She Talks To You About Other Guys
Alright, if you’ve ever been in this situation you know how much of a heartbreaker and all around awkward situation this is.  When a girl starts talking to you about other guys, it is a pretty blatant indication that you are not in the running for her heart; it’s really a not-so-subtle way of her saying “Hey, back off because I am so not into you and just to prove my point, these are all the guys who rank higher than you on my list of people who I think are worth a shit.”  If a girl starts talking to you about another guy, there’s really no coming back from that unless she’s doing it just to gauge your reaction so she can see if you’re interested in her, or if the guys she is talking to you about are legitimately just friends and she totally wants to jump your bones (do people even still use the phrase “jump your bones”?)

She Holds Eye Contact With You
If a girl keeps steady eye contact with you while you’re talking, it more than likely means that she thinks you’re suspicious and is really worried that you may steal her purse or slip something in her drink.  This is her way of keeping an eye on you to protect herself and is a pretty clear sign that she is not interested in you at all.   Another sign that she is not interested in you is if she doesn’t maintain eye contact with you and instead looks around the room or at her phone or literally at anything else that is not you.  Lack of eye contact signals clear disinterest as she is probably looking around the room for all the emergency exits she could use to get away from your sorry ass.  On the flip side, lack of eye contact could mean that she is quite interested in you but is just overly shy.  And on a more positive note, if she maintains eye contact with you during conversation, it definitely means that she is interested in you and everything that you’re saying and really wants you to notice her noticing you.

She Touches You
Physical contact is a great indicator that a girl is interested in you.  It shows that she is comfortable with you and doesn’t mind breaking your personal bubble so that you two can share a more intimate connection.   If you find yourself in a situation where a girl keeps finding reasons to touch your arm/shoulder/back/leg/etc. then you know without a doubt that she is definitely into you.  This however may not be the case if you two are just a very good platonic friend who she feels comfortable touching in an entirely non-sexual manner and you’re just reading way too much into it.  It’s important to remember that some people are just far more comfortable with physical contact than others.

Her Friends Don’t Like You
Women share everything with their friends and talking about guys they’re interested in is no different.   If her friends don’t like you then you have absolutely no chance with her because either they’ve told her bad things about you or vice versa.  This is absolutely a death knell in your romantic pursuit.   Although, her friends’ dislike of you could very well stem from jealously and/or fear that you may shift the girl’s priorities and leave her with less time for her friends, which would not be a concern for said friends unless the girl in question was totally into you.   With that being said, a good rule of thumb here is that if a girl’s friends like you it’s because she has been gushing about you to them, which means that you have a definite in and she is interested in you romantically.  Be careful though, because her friends may actually just like you because you’re an all-around nice and decent person who has given them no reason to be offended at your existence.

She Laughs At Your Jokes
This is an important one here, because women very consistently rate a sense of humor as an important quality in a mate.  So it makes total sense that a girl who laughs at your jokes is most definitely into you.  It’s even more compelling if she even laughs at your bad jokes, because that is a sign that she is more interested in the person telling the joke than in the joke itself.  On the other hand, it could also be an indication that you are just a truly comically gifted person that is consistently hilarious but whom she has no romantic interest in whatsoever because she really just sees you as a walking joke machine instead of an attractive and desirable human being.

                So there you have it, a plethora of wisdom about reading women’s romantic cues condensed down into an extremely clear and concise list.  Hopefully this cleared some things up for you and will allow you to more accurately judge a woman’s interest  or disinterest in you from here on out.  I can’t quite take all the credit for this; I really do owe a lot of this wisdom to all of my various interactions with real-life women over the years, who have taught me exactly how to tell if they are or aren’t interested in me.  And if my helpful list leads to even one guy realizing that the girl of his dreams really is interested in him or that she is totally not into him at all, well then I consider myself a success.  As for me, my current dating strategy is to develop feelings for women that I’m friends with but never say anything for fear of ruining the friendship, then watch as they fall in love and develop meaningful, lasting relationship with other people while I die alone.  It’s going okay.


Tuesday, December 1, 2015

November Joke Round-Up

                Another month of our lives has come and gone and you’re still here wasting your life,
 reading my blog (thank you!).   So here’s the recap of all the jokes that I wrote this past month.

Life is like a box of chocolates, but half of the chocolates are filled with shit.

I need to find a Chinese restaurant that will sell me wonton soup by the barrel.

Nobody can dull my shine today because I'm still covered in glitter from last night. #‎SeeWhatIDidThere

Got this sweet head wound going on today. Don't remember how it happened but I bet it was fun.

"You look like 90% of dudes on 'To Catch a Predator' without your beard..." –Tyler

Is it appropriate for me to climb on top of the freezer cases at work to sing along when Michael Bublé is played on the store radio? No...but that doesn't really bother me.

In light of election season, which is tragically already upon us, I'm going to take a hardline stance: I think bad things are bad and good things are good. There should be less bad things and more good things. #‎GodBlessAmerica

The past few mornings I have absentmindedly shampooed my face in the shower because I am not smart enough to remember that I do not have my beard right now. I'm a man of routine.

One thing I enjoy about the internet is how I can start off reading a biography of Edgar Allan Poe and end up reading an episode guide for "That's So Raven."

Sometimes when I'm feeling bad about myself I go to the Facebook pages of my attractive female friends and read the disgusting/embarrassing comments left on their pictures by thirsty guys; then I feel thankful that I'm not that pathetic.

I've written a lot of jokes about relationships/single life the past couple of days, and now I have to space out posting them all over the next few weeks so that people don't think I'm sad and bitter.

I think the only appropriate time to play Christmas music is on December 24th & 25th.

Seriously though, why aren't there more songs to get people in the Thanksgiving spirit? With heartwarming lyrics about eating yourself into a coma, unapologetically drunk family members, and constantly being asked when you're going to get married/have kids/get your shit together.

I went to an all-you-can-eat soup & salad buffet last night. I think that's a great way to make 7 trips through a buffet line without feeling like a fatass.

I just can't help but wonder why it was called "Destiny's Child" instead of "Destiny's Children." There was more than 1 person in the group

I try to maintain healthy eating habits but I also have a tendency to treat my diet like my cell phone plan: free nights and weekends.

Unfortunately, it would appear that Walgreens does not carry 55-gallon drums of Tylenol.

When I type "I'm an" into my phone the 3 suggestions it offers for the next word are "expert", "asshole" and "adult."
This phone understands me better than most people.

Kyle: "We're not good people."
Me: "I don't feel bad, though."

Went to dinner with Kyle & Amy. I ordered as much food as both of them combined. I should probably be more embarrassed about this.

Saw an article titled "6 Tricks for Saving on Holiday Travel." That's a waste of an article. I have 1 tip for saving on holiday travel: Don't

Don't mind me, just waging my own little #‎WarOnChristmas apparently.

#‎Knuckles told me this morning that I'm the reason he's late for work every day. Apparently, I get out of the bathroom too late and he cannot possibly get ready for work in an hour. I suggested that maybe he shouldn't take a 45 minute shower but he quickly shot that idea down with, "No, I like long showers."
I'm just glad that I know how inconsiderate I am now.

Before work this morning I stopped by the local animal hospital to thank the doctors there for all their hard work. They politely informed me that it is actually Veteran's Day.

I'm in a Blues hockey discussion group here on Facebook and last night one of the members posted a picture of herself, which inspired me to play a game of "Who Wore It Better?" Pretty sure I #‎NailedIt

That picture I posted yesterday has gotten the most response out of anything I've ever done. I've concluded that in order to keep getting these kinds of results, I should start showing a little more leg in my pictures from now on.

I just made some really awesome dinner for myself. I'm not gonna post a picture or even say what it was though because I think the internet has ruined everyone's ability to use their imagination.

I like to consider myself an old-fashioned gentleman because I still think it's cool to make mixtapes for your crush.

I'm going to turn Trivial Pursuit into a drinking game so I can test my knowledge while I destroy my brain cells.

#‎Knuckles loves trivia.

Just ate a whole tube of Pringles. It's true: once you pop, you can't stop.
This is why I don't do drugs.

As I was driving home I saw a big, lifted pickup truck that had iron cross decals on it, extremely loud oversized pipes, and a pair of truck nuts on the hitch. My first thought was, "I have a bigger penis than that guy."

I bet more women would be interested in me if I wore those sneakers with the light up heels. Those are totally still cool, right?

I saw a girl post a no make-up picture with a caption imploring all other girls to be comfortable with themselves and to love their natural beauty. It was a great sentiment but she edited the photo with a filter and I'm not a good enough person to just ignore how ridiculous that is.

I like when girls who have previously turned me down get into relationships because it gives me a chance to see all the guys that are better than me

I made some bacon for breakfast this morning. It may increase my chance of colon cancer by 18%, but it also increases my chances of enjoying breakfast by 100% so it's really just a numbers game.

I've been reading through a lot of people's comments in the debate about accepting or refusing Syrian refugees. There was one guy's comment that really stuck out to me because he pointed out that "terrorists will train 6 year-olds to blow us up."
It really helped reaffirm my deep mistrust of 6 year-olds.

One thing I think a lot of people don't know about me is that I went to nerd camp when I was younger. But, I was the dumb kid there.

Look at me. I'm a narcissist.

There are 2 groups of fleet managers at work, each with an operations manager overseeing them. I've spent all day using this set-up to try to recreate West Side Story in the office.
Because "once you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way."

To be honest, I can't tell the difference between Chipotle & Qdoba and I'm kinda worried that might be racist.

I think the world would be a much better place if we solved more of our problems with dance-offs.

I had a dream that I got broken up with the other night. I handled it much better than I've ever handled a real break up. Still a little hurtful that my subconscious is trying to dump me, though.

Life is about your decisions. You can either make good decisions, or fun ones.

I got into the holiday spirit and made this today.

#‎Facebook #‎status #‎update #‎annoying #‎hashtag #‎hashbrowns #‎breakfast‪ #‎greeneggsandhashtags #‎DrSeuss #‎onefishtwofishredfishbluefish #‎trendy #‎yolo‪ #‎hashswag

I'm not saying that I want a girlfriend, but I would like to stop eating alone at restaurants.

I told my sister that I needed a new pair of Chucks for Christmas. She texted me back "What size chicks do you want?"
Not sure if she was the victim of autocorrect or if my family is planning an extremely awkward Christmas.

I miss the days when calling something "radical" was a compliment instead of a derogatory term.
Like this guy here. He is totally radical.

I may not be the perfect guy, but I'm definitely a guy. And that's 50% right there.

I was feeling pretty good today so I decided to have Taco Bell for lunch. It should put a stop to that real quick.

Everybody at the bar keeps complaining about how hot it is in here. They should know that I can't help it.

I have like a 6th sense for telling when women aren't interested in me. It goes off all the time.

When you're trying to enjoy Thanksgiving but nobody likes you.

I'm really glad that I didn't meet any women and get their numbers last night because I broke my phone and that would've made me considerably more disappointed about it. #‎Thankful

I saw a lot of people out on the road today with their faces buried in their phones while driving and I really think there are a lot easier ways to get out of spending the day with your family than dying in a car accident.

If I were any dumber, I'd probably drown in the shower.

Sometimes all you can do is sit in your living room listening to Hootie and the Blowfish.

What I really want for Christmas is for somebody to pay my bills for a couple of months.

I had a lot of fun out at the bar last night. Except for the part when I was broken up with. It was a little weird because I haven't been dating anyone, I had no idea who the girl was, and she kept calling me Jeff. But I'm still kinda upset that we couldn't work things out.

Me: "I'm gonna drink some beer. Like a real American."
Kyle: "Real American hero?"
Me: "I wouldn't call myself a hero. More like a real American shit-for-brains."

Why do guys like beer? Beer never says "Not tonight, I've got a headache." Beer never tells you you're wrong. Beer never turns you down. In fact, when you ask beer if it wants to hang out it says "Hell yeah! I'll bring 29 of my friends."

I just won $40 from this machine.

I'm a big fan of soft rejections. You know, where a woman doesn't outright say she's not interested but instead gently insinuates that you're the worst person she's ever met.

I just want to give everyone a friendly reminder that today is that last day of this year that you can appropriately listen to "November Rain" by Guns N' Roses. #‎ImportantThings

I find that the easiest way to be happy is to be completely oblivious to everything that's going on.

This phone just auto-corrected "Hootie and the Blowfish" to "Booties and the Brownish."
And no, I don't feel bad that I'm making another status about Hootie and the Blowfish.

I like to always have a few friends who are assholes so that if I ever start feeling too good about myself they can tell me how much I suck.

                I’ve got a few ideas in my head for some posts coming up and as long as my social calendar remains desperately open, I should get those things written and posted soon.  Keep an eye out.


Monday, November 23, 2015

#Knuckles' Greatest Hits Vol. 2

                It’s probably long overdue, since Knuckles’ Greatest Hits Vol. 1 was all the way back in June, but I think it’s finally time to get everyone caught up on the continuing saga of my roommate, Knuckles.  So, here is another compilation of his shenanigans that were not quite enough to have their own individual posts. 

-Knuckles gets very opinionated and talkative about politics sometimes.  Especially when it gets close to election time.  One election in particular, he came back from voting before I had a chance to go and was regaling me with all of his stances.  So after I voted I told him that since I knew how he voted on everything, I voted the opposite to cancel out his votes.  He was not happy about this.   This was like 2 years ago. He still occasionally asks me, “You didn’t really cancel out all my votes that time, did you?”

-While barhopping one night, I arranged to meet Knuckles and some other friends at a particular bar.  I called Knuckles (who was drunk) and told him to instruct the person driving to park in parking lot next to Jimmy John’s.   5 minutes later, when the driver pulled up, despite the fact that Knuckles was the one who directed everyone there he started shouting, “Why are we at Jimmy John’s?  Are we getting sandwiches?”

-Knuckles is late for work a lot.  But instead of rushing around the house to get ready and run out the door like a normal person, he has a habit of calmly walking out to the living room where I am (because I go to work after him but am up and ready before him) and then explains to me what his excuse is for being late.  I don’t work with him and I don’t really care why he’s late.

-Knuckles set a new record for drunkenness since Volume 1.  My last party started at 8 pm.  Knuckles was drunk by 7:45.  That’s not a typo.

-After a night of drinking, Knuckles, myself and some of our friends often like to walk to the gas station down the road to get nachos.  One night in particular, Knuckles fell behind the rest of the group walking back.  When he finally got back to the apartment, he began banging on the door and shouting at us because he couldn’t open the (unlocked) door.  After we let him in, all he said was “My hands are full of cheese.”  When I went outside the next day there were cheesy hand-prints all over the door.

Artist’s Recreation

-Knuckles’ favorite beer is Bud Select and, as previously mentioned, he gets drunk pretty quickly from it and often blacks out.  He also likes Blue Moon.  Against all odds he gets drunk and blacks out even quicker from Blue Moon.  My other roommate and I refer to this as Knuckles “being on the moon.”  Nobody likes when Knuckles is on the moon. 

-Knuckles hates bugs.  He is also scared of the possibility of roaches being in the house (which is strange, because he always has dirty dishes an leftover food in his room).  He also seems to think every bug he sees is a roach (sorry, Knuckles, that is a waterbug/ladybug/cricket/housefly/etc).  One time I went out of town for the weekend and when I came back on Sunday, Knuckles informed me that he had seen and killed a roach in the bathroom on Friday.  He told me he wanted to show it to me so I could see what kind of bug it was, then showed me the piece of toilet paper still on the bathroom floor that he had used to smash the bug.  He left it on the floor all weekend just to show it to me.  I picked up the tp and showed him that there was no bug in it.  He left a piece of toilet paper on the floor all weekend to show me a bug that he didn’t even kill.  He still maintains that he killed the bug and has no idea how it could have disappeared from beneath the toilet paper.

-We have a 3 door medicine cabinet in our bathroom.  Knuckles always tilts the two outer doors inward when he is doing his hair.  He then leaves the doors tilted open (forever) because “it makes the condensation on the mirror dry faster.”  I do not know the science behind this.

-One morning myself and the other roommate, Kyle, both had to go to work, but found the bathroom door locked at 6 am.  After several minutes of banging on the door to no avail, I went outside and looked through the bathroom window to see Knuckles pantless and passed out on the floor curled up with the bath mat.  I had to climb through the bathroom window and wake Knuckles up.  Still drunk from the previous night, he proceeded to argue with me that he wasn’t drunk and that he wasn’t passed out. 

-Knuckles has a tendency to drink milk, then leave the dirty glass in his room for a while until the bottom of the glass is crusted with dry milk.  He then puts water in the glass and leaves it sit on the counter for usually about a week until I finally get pissed off and put it in the dishwasher.  Every time I yell at him about this he contends that “Its gotta soak to get out the crusties.”

-Knuckles really likes wearing orange shirts.   This might not be that weird, but I think he has more orange shirts than the average person.

-When we all moved in to the apartment, Knuckles brought a lockbox with him and put it in his closet.  To date, nobody knows what Knuckles keeps in the lockbox but the leading theory is that it contains a copy of Lethal Weapon 2.  Knuckles loves Lethal Weapon 2.

-As previously mentioned, Knuckles is late for work a lot.  He has told me that I'm the reason he's always late. Apparently, I get out of the bathroom too late and he cannot possibly get ready for work in an hour. I suggested that maybe he shouldn't take a 45 minute shower but he quickly shot that idea down with, "No, I like long showers."  During this conversation he also told me that sometimes he gets in the shower even later because he falls back asleep while he's waiting for his turn in the bathroom.and that this is also my fault.

-Knuckles loves hot wings.  But one night he decided that he didn’t want to eat them at one of our local bars anymore because “there’s something wrong with them; they make him too full.”  Knuckles apparently thinks there is something wrong with food making him feel full.

-Knuckles once drunkenly yelled at me because I didn’t want a cheeseburger.  Not that I was stopping him from getting one, but because I didn’t want one too.

                I can’t imagine that I won’t have more stories to tell, so I’ll keep compiling Knuckles anecdotes (Knuckledotes?) and release them in the future with Knuckles’ Greatest Hits Vol. 3!


Sunday, November 1, 2015

October Joke Round-Up

                It’s time for yet another monthly joke round up.  Looking back on this month, I had this Blues home opener on the 8th, which clearly inspired me to make far too many jokes that day, I had a night out at a bar on the 16th, which led to a lot of alcohol induced jokes and I made a few jokes on news stories and current events this month, which makes me topical and relevant.   Enjoy!

"I'm a slow learner, but when I learn it I learn it fast." – #Knuckles

So, Clinton County comes in at No. 10 on this list with 23% of residents reporting excessive drinking. I think that makes this list inaccurate because, from my experience, Clinton County residents have a much different definition of what they believe constitutes "excessive drinking."

October is National Bullying Prevention Month. So, if you know someone who is a bully, punch them in the face. A bloody nose tends to be a great deterrent.

We got some new mattresses in at work and I'm using my time today to test them out so I can better describe them to customers. It may look like I'm napping but I'm actually working quite hard.

Rachel: "You collect a lot of people as friends."
Me: "People are drawn to me."
Anthony: "And/or desperate."
Me: "I'll take desperate."

A recent study suggests that pornography users think more highly of women and hold more egalitarian views. I'm looking forward to when this starts coming up in conversation: "I'm not gonna tell you that I've long been a supporter of women's equality; I think you should check my internet browser history and decide for yourself."

Just saw a guy walk up to another guy who was at a urinal and pass the pisser $30 over his shoulder mid pee. I don't know what's happening in this bathroom but I am suddenly very uncomfortable.

Think about how weird dick pics were back in the day. You had to take the photos, wait for the film from your disposable camera to be developed, then mail them out to women (or presumably hand them to women on the street). Life is so much easier now. #‎DontSendDickPics

Sometimes I have body image issues but then I remember that I'm cute as hell.

I just photo-bombed this same couple 6 times. At this point I don't know if they're oblivious to my presence or if they just really want a picture with me but are too shy to ask.

Sometimes I see a girl walking down the street and think to myself "Damn, she is beautiful," but then I treat her with the same respect that any other human being deserves and don't say stupid, derogatory shit to her while she's just trying to go about her day unharassed.

Just stuck a temporary tattoo on my arm. It's a spider. Feeling pretty badass right now.

It's kind of embarrassing to admit, but I have to be honest and confess to everyone: I do not have strong selfie game.

I saw an article online today titled "12 Signs You May Have an Anxiety Disorder." I didn't read the article because I got really worried that it might insinuate that I have an anxiety disorder.

I think it's important not to be blatantly obvious about being attracted to someone as it can be off-putting if you're too forward. That's why when I'm interested in someone I make it a point not to talk to them.

#‎Knuckles: "I've been drinking for 25 years."
Me: "You were drinking when you were 7?"
#Knuckles: "Shit. I mean 15. I rounded wrong."

"Hey girl, why settle for only being let down by the playoffs? You can be disappointed by me all year round." #‎PickUpPutDowns #‎LGB

"Hey girl, sorry if I'm coming on too strong or if I seem desperate, but you're cute and the Blues don't have any Cups so I'm awful thirsty."#‎PickUpPutDowns #‎LGB

"Hey girl, what's the difference between the Blues and me? The Blues will probably score tonight." #‎PickUpPutDowns #‎LGB

Kyle: "In 7 minutes I'm getting a hot dog."
Me: "Well I'm drinking. Like a fucking American."

I see a guy here wearing an Edmonton Oilers jersey and a fanny pack. Canadians are ridiculous.

The mini fridge in our suite put up a valiant fight, but in the end we were victorious and finished every beer in there.

#‎Knuckles is my designated driver tonight. My life has fallen into complete disarray.

I heard that women find a sense of humor attractive. Which means that I'm either not as funny as I think I am, or that I have no other redeeming qualities.

I saw a picture of a traffic jam on a 50 lane road in China. I get nervous when I have to cross 2 lanes of traffic to reach my exit. Pretty sure I'd have a panic attack if I had to cross 48 lanes.

Currently using this open bar to get club soda and treat the stain I just made on my shirt.

I'm not saying that I'm proud of the things that I do, but I'm not as embarrassed as I probably should be.

I saw a girl who had her kid on one of those child leashes and it seemed like a great idea. But I'd take it a step further and get one of those retractable leashes from PetsMart. While I was there I'd also pick up one of those tie-down stakes so I could let my kid play out in the yard.

My neighbors are using a 2 liter bottle of Shasta Cola as a door stop. This neighborhood has really gone downhill; the old neighbors used Pepsi.

I'm looking forward to when baseball is over and my news feed can get back to pictures of food, gym selfies, people breaking up & getting back together with their SO countless times, photos claiming "1 like = 1 prayer", people tagging themselves at home and wishing all of Facebook goodnight like they're writing in their diary, and all the other things that I also do not care about.

Daniel: "My brother is a big Chiefs fan, but I don't really follow hockey."
Me: "Well, good news for you; the Chiefs play football."
Daniel: "Shit..."

I asked #‎Knuckles to turn off the CO2 valve on the kegerator. Confused, he asked me which way to turn it, so I told him "Righty tighty, lefty loosey." I then watched as he turned the CO2 on full blast because he apparently doesn't know right from left.

In honor of Columbus Day, I crossed the river into Missouri today, declared everyone there an Illinoisan and gave several of them smallpox.

My friends are artistic. It is also likely that they hold a lot of (not-so-hidden) contempt for me.

Business Insider made a list of "Things Men Should Never Wear." One of the items on that list is Cargo Pants. I think they're just jealous of all the cool stuff I can carry in my cargo pockets. Yeah, dress slacks look nice but I can fit a whole 6-pack of beers in my pants. That seems like exactly the kind of thing a grown man needs to be wearing.

I don't have any ladies to text so I'm texting dudes about ladies

So, I'm going to dress as Freddie Mercury for Halloween. I need to convince#‎Knuckles to dress as David Bowie so we can show up random places and sing "Under Pressure."

I don't care how gorgeous a woman is or how great her personality is, if she wears cowboy boots, I'm out. #‎DealBreaker

Me: "I was digging the blonde one but I was clearly digging her more than she was digging me. It's a problem I'm very familiar with."
Joel: "I know what you mean."
Me: "Fuck you, you're too handsome to know what I mean."

They're playing "Honkey Tonk Badonkadonk" here. There is no good reason that #‎Knuckles isn't out there dancing right now.

I drink liquor instead of beer because I'm trying to be healthy.

#‎Knuckles is playing Farmville at the bar.

I don't care where I'm at, I will do the Electric Slide because I am a huge fan of electricity.

I found out that #Knuckles gets in the shower and then turns on the water instead of turning on the water and then getting in after it is warm. Clearly, he is a terrorist.

When people talk about how much they love fall I interpret it as "I like when everything is cold and dead."

When Hollywood finally gets around to making a movie about my life, I think#‎Knuckles should be played by Gary Busey.

I think the most dangerous place for a zombie apocalypse to start would be a haunted house/theme park. You wouldn't know if they were real zombies or if the workers were just really committed to their roles

Whenever I go on a dinner date, I make it a point to order something on the menu that's on the more expensive side because I know the girl is using the price of my meal as a guideline to pick hers. So even though I really want that $6.99 burger, I order diamond-crusted albino lobster just to subtly let her know that she can order whatever she wants. Because I'm a gentleman. A big, dumb gentleman.

I will never cheat in a relationship. The thought of me attracting not one, but two women is absolutely preposterous.

I'm miserably full right now but I just got asked if I would like more free prime rib. That's like asking if I'd like more blowjobs. The answer is always a resounding (possibly sleepy) "YES!"

I think it would be fun to get a group of friends together for one of those souvenir old time photos and while everyone else poses in their antique clothes, I stand in the background of the photograph wearing my Marty McFly costume and looking confused.

I just ate a piece of bread slathered with garlic butter. It was basically just a conscious acceptance of the fact that nobody will be looking to kiss me today.

In case anyone thought I was joking yesterday when I said I'd be dressed as Marty McFly all day. I'm a man of my word. #‎GreatScott

I've spent a good portion of my day out running errands and not a single person has said anything about my outfit. This means that either people have recognized that I'm dressed as Marty McFly but are too embarrassed for me to say anything, or they don't recognize the outfit and just think I'm a guy who doesn't know how to dress himself.

I think everyone has had that moment where a friend feels compelled to let you know what your ex is up to and the only sensible response is, "Thanks for the update dude; while we're on the subject of shit I don't wanna talk about, I've got some traumatic childhood experiences you could bring up, too."

At the haunted houses last night you could tell even under all the gory makeup that some of the girls working there were pretty cute. Naturally, I hit on one of them. Sure, she may have been snarling and chasing me with a chainsaw, but at least I know she's crazy from the start instead of finding out 6 months into the relationship.

I have 19 voicemails in my phone. I really want to clear out the notifications but am overly anxious about the time I need to invest to go through them all. So I just keep letting them pile up as I grow more distressed about it. I create my own problems.

One of my roommates left me a 12 pack of ramen. I was excited about it at first. Then I was depressed because being excited over free ramen is like a whole new level of poverty.

There's some girl at this bar dancing around in running shorts, a sports bra and an unzipped jacket. I can't help but think that she was out for a jog when she heard the music and just couldn't resist the urge to get down.

Despite the fact that I moved into my apartment over 5 years ago, the previous tenants have apparently still not bothered change their address. On the bright side, I am enjoying their subscription to Us Weekly.

I think the biggest reason that I haven't been the best man at a wedding is because people are afraid of the toast I'd give.

It's so rare that I have the opportunity to put someone's number in my phone that I forget how to update my contacts when it actually happens.

I’m really good at doing things that don't matter.

Sometimes, when you're an awkward person, you make the mistake of telling a blind person, "See ya around!"

This is what my life has come to.

When I was in high school I took a class called "Keyboarding." I thought I was going to learn how to play Europe's "The Final Countdown." Turns out the class was about learning to type faster. Huge letdown.

There's always so many fad diets going around, I think a lot of people forget that the easiest way to lose weight is poverty.

I had a customer bring me cookies today. Not sure if this means that they thought I was doing a good job or if they just thought I looked fat and hungry. Either way, I'm pretty stoked about it.

So, now processed meats (such as ham, bacon, sausage & hot dogs) "definitely" cause cancer and red meats (like beef, pork & lamb) "probably" cause cancer. Oh well, this is me not caring in the least as I work my way towards my delicious, delicious cancer.

Thought maybe the closed ticket booth was part of the experience...turns out it was just closed.

*watching Children of the Corn*
Me: "You know what this place needs more of?"
Michael: "Corn?"
Me: "Yup."

Got this sweet hat.

Hot dogs and bacon cause cancer? Challenge accepted.

Was driving down the highway and attempting to change lanes. Checked all around to make sure it was clear, then managed to see my own car's shadow out of the corner of my eye as I was merging. Nearly ruined the upholstery in my car. I was literally scared by a shadow. Because I'm lame.

Continuing my deliciously self-destructive path towards cancer with a steak burrito. #‎NoFear

When I was younger, I knew that I wanted to be awesome when I grew up. Now I'm awesome, but still haven't grown up.

It's important to have discipline and goals in life. So, I set some parameters for myself. 
If I sell something today, I'm having rice for dinner.
If I don't sell anything today, I don't get dinner.
If I sell a lot today, I get to put butter in my rice.

I feel like it's worth sharing that this morning I got up early, got showered and ready for work, then took a 30 minute nap before leaving the house. And I managed to rationalize to myself that this was a better idea than just staying in bed longer to begin with. Nothing I do even makes sense any more.

I read an article that said women are more attracted to guys with beards. And I think that's true because since I grew mine I've noticed an exponential increase in the number of women who are interested in me. Of course, an exponential increase in zero is still zero, but the math and logic are sound.

My work project today was to direct and film a short video of one co-worker killing another. I'm a professional.

Somebody told me that I'm "like basically the perfect guy." 
I told her, "I'm not perfect. I have poor eyesight."

If you need a scary last minute Halloween costume go as President Trump. All you have to do is wear a suit, have terrible hair and say ignorant shit all night.

Stay tuned for more fun things this month, including the fabled Knuckles’ Greatest Hits Vol. 2!