Friday, September 1, 2023

August 2023 Joke Round-Up

  Well, we officially are just a few short weeks away from the season changing to fall and me being mad as hell about the temperatures outside for months on end.  And I’ve still yet to achieve my summer beach body.  Lame.  I think the crux of the issues is that, much like a dog, I am very food motivated so everything I would reward myself with for making healthy life choices would immediately undo said life choices.  I guess if my daughter continues to put aloe in the places where I look for food, I might start getting gun shy about all my snacking habits.  Or maybe aloe is an acquired taste and I’d learn to love it.  Anyways, these jokes.


Walk in the door after hockey, turn on the light and see Barclay just sitting and staring at me like, "Do you have any idea what time it is?"


For whatever reason my daughter put aloe into a silicone baking mold and put it in the freezer. And yet somehow I'm the weird one for eating what I thought was some type of fun-shaped green gelatin snack that I found in the place where we keep food.

It tasted like shit, fyi.


It's fine. This is fine.


I am 5'11" and for the most part all of my friends are within a few inches of that as well, so I never really feel like I am short until I go to a concert and apparently everyone else that also purchased tickets to the show just came from playing in an NBA game.


If I had to get a tattoo of something that I hold dear to my heart and knew would always remain special to me, it would be a hot wing.


My kids went back to school today and now my dogs are suddenly aware that I also exist in this house.


Spotify you need to calm the hell down with these suggestions. I am nowhere near hungover today; I stopped partying on Tuesday nights like a decade ago.


Okay, now it seems like Spotify really does get me.


I personally enjoy when I click on what looks to be an interesting news article, only to be informed that I've reached my free article limit on a site that I have literally never been to before in my life.


I have noticed from the groups that I admin that a lot of fake FB accounts have 2 first names. This feels like a personal attack.


On the one hand, I am enjoying a quiet work environment at home now that the kids are back in school. On the other hand, I forgot that back to school would mean I'd have homework every night again. I do not enjoy homework.


The store had 2-packs of Pepto on sale Buy One Get One 1/2 Off, so my wife and I obviously took advantage of that. But this is a situation where I am thankful for self-checkout because we really don't need another human being to ring up 4 bottles of Pepto Bismol and wonder what the hell is wrong with us.


I thought my underwear felt unusually uncomfortable this morning. 7 hours later I realized that I had put them on backwards. That's embarrassing, but not so embarrassing that I won't post it here for meaningless internet points.


In an effort to be a little more active today, I opted to walk home from an event near our house instead of driving. This turned into me running through the neighborhood while the rest of the family acted as my pace car. Sadly, they would not play "Eye of the Tiger" for me. But I found out that I can run 15mph.

Honestly, really think there should have been more fanfare surrounding my little run there.  Like, I could have been awarded a hot wing for each MPH that I achieved.  That would’ve been very motivational.