Tuesday, December 1, 2020

November 2020 Joke Round-Up

 November has come and gone.  What an eventful month:  my wife had COVID, I got very political (not unexpected), I continued to have awesome virtual backgrounds for work calls, and I created a great photoshop of my new family van.  I’d have to assume that there will be more political jokes in the future considering that some people still don’t seem to believe the results (they still don’t believe in COVID either, which is why we’re seeing new records of cases every day).  And I’ll probably get even more bitter as we venture deeper and deeper into the heart of the worst time of the year (I’m already freezing and I’m tired of it getting dark at 4:30).  But before all that, let’s look back at the jokes from this past month. 



Voting is a liberal agenda, apparently. 



Honestly, at least part of the reason I'm hoping for a Trump loss (aside from all the obvious facts of him being a massive piece of shit) is so these pricks who have built their entire persona around being a Trumper have to figure out a new toxic trait to base their personality on. 



I always thought the green screen weather maps on the news were neat. This week I decided I wanted to give it a shot in my meetings. 



A guy in one of the groups I'm in was asking advice on how to get the correct size for an engagement ring he was looking to buy. Thankfully, I'm all about helping my fellow man. 




I've been watching Trumpers have a meltdown over their completely imaginary voter fraud and the fact that mail-in votes are an entirely normal and legal method of casting a ballot. This comment in particular stuck out to me because if voters were required to show their tax returns to receive a ballot then Donald Trump himself would not be able to vote. 




One of my favorite things about every election is when people who don't understand population density share the US map breaking down the results by district. People vote, land does not. 



Despite the fact that I've been taking care of my wife the past couple of weeks as she's been quarantined to the bedroom with COVID-19, I've managed to repeatedly test negative for infection myself. I assume this means they will need my superhuman blood to develop a vaccine. 



Both Nena and Goldfinger are acceptable here. 




I see a lot of Trumpers that have referred to themselves as "the silent majority." Its weird that they call themselves the majority when the opposing candidates have received a combined 8 million more votes in the last 2 elections. And it's even weirder to call them silent since they won't ever shut the fuck up. 



I don't know why everyone in horror movies is so quick to venture into unknown, spooky places in the dark. I turn on every light when I go into my own basement. 



Abby: "Is lunch a subject? Because I think it's my favorite subject." 

I am always filled with a sense of pride when I see ways that my kids take after me. 



Working from home the past few months has blurred the lines between pajamas and daytime clothes enough that even I'm not sure what category of clothing I'm wearing at any given time anymore. 



After some discussion, my wife and I decided that we wanted to get a family vehicle. My wife spent several weeks researching safety features, warranties, consumer reports, pricing, etc. until she found exactly the vehicle she wanted. What did I contribute to this whole process? Well, I immediately named it Van Diesel and made this photo. 



If Tabasco is your favorite hot sauce, then I assume that means you've never had any other hot sauces. 



Honestly, it's kind of convenient that there's so much overlap amongst COVID deniers and people claiming election fraud. It helps keep all the stupid in one place. 



I heard on the radio this morning about a recent survey that found a correlation between higher salaries and smaller penises. 

To that end, I feel that NASA needs to launch an expedition to study the black hole in Jeff Bezos' pants. 


I'm not a big fan of cranberry sauce, but I wanted to keep with the spirit of Thanksgiving so I'm drinking vodka cranberries instead. 



Date night with my wife has consisted of eating tacos in the car, going to the grocery store and buying $100 worth of beer and frozen pizza, and now settling in to watch the movie Serenity. We're hopeless romantics. #Shiny 


Thankfully, as I've mentioned previously, there are somewhere in the neighborhood of 6,000 blankets in my house so I’m going to wrap myself in those for the next several months.