Sunday, November 1, 2020

October 2020 Joke Round-Up

 Ffffuuuuccckkkk.  October has been a month.  We’re so close to this election that could decide whether America is content to be a racist, nepotist, authoritarian regime, or simply the richest country in the world that still can’t figure out how to adequately take care of its citizens and can’t fathom how to reach a level or progressivism that countless other forward-thinking nations have already achieved.  It’s fucking mentally exhausting dealing with that that conundrum.  Towards the end of this month my wife also tested positive for COVID-19, in large part due to the fact that a large percentage of the people in Southern Illinois where we live don’t seem to believe that it’s a real thing because they’re ignorant pieces of shit (not that I’m bitter or anything about how awful these rednecks around me are or anything).  Thankfully, because I haven’t managed to achieve any level of fame with my jokes I can freely speak my mind about these things.  But I digress, here are some jokes. 

 

10/2 

Yesterday on our morning call one of my coworkers remarked that I resembled Captain America. So today I joined our team's morning meeting like this. 

 

 

10/6 

I heard that costume company Yandy is releasing a "Sexy Postal Carrier" costume for Halloween this year. Pretty excited for our family to receive royalties on this because I assume their design is modeled after my wife. 

 

10/7 

When your D&D group watches the VP debate. 

 

 

10/11 

If I ever run for political office my campaign slogan is going to be: 

"You gotta feel it. 

Just elect Rick.  

Boogie woogie woogie." 

 

10/17 

It's been a source of contention on the internet for some time now, but it's finally time for me to share my thoughts. Looking back at my culinary decisions, I've put chicken nuggets, Fritos, ramen noodles, hot dogs, and plenty of other shit on pizzas. I've even folded a gas station burrito inside of a frozen pizza like some kind of shameful calzone. So I really do not care if you put pineapple on yours. 

 

10/18 

I want to open a bar that exclusively plays ska music and call it Horn Pub. 

 

10/20 

I'm in these work meetings pretending I'm a Superman. 

 

 

10/25 

My wife isn't feeling well today. Being the caring husband that I am I asked if she needed anything, to which she responded, "your love." I immediately started singing "Your Love" by The Outfield. She told me I wasn't helping and that I needed to leave, which is bullshit because I gave her exactly what she asked for. Women are complicated. 

 

10/26 

Me: "I'm a grown adult who makes educated purchasing decisions, sticks to a budget, and can't be persuaded by marketing gimmicks." 

Also me: 

 

 

10/27 

It may not be Sunday afternoon, but I'm still spending my meetings on The Island of La Grande Jatte. I'm cultured AF. 

 

 

10/31 

I love my wife, which is why I asked her permission to post this after I made it and showed it to her. Because I thought it was hilarious. 

 


 We are only a few short days away from this election and probably like 2 more weeks away from having a result to the election and then a few more weeks away from civil war after that, so things are definitely spiraling out of control based on some very mentally unhinged individuals, which is totally foreign to me as someone who has spent his entire live channeling his mental instabilities into lame jokes instead of hoarding weapons and attempting to intimidate people that I don’t agree with politically but I’m gonna assume that I’m just going to be here next month posting similarly biting social commentary, so I will see you then. 

 

-Ryan 

Thursday, October 1, 2020

September 2020 Joke Round-Up

 So that was a month, huh?  We’re smack in the middle of a double whammy of shittiness right now: it’s fall and it’s election season.  I have been trying to soak up as much warm weather as I can before the temperature drops and I have to spend countless hours cleaning up from the 5 stupid sweet gum trees in the yard.  But going outside also means I see all the political signs in peoples’ yard and am unfortunately reminded of how depressingly stupid some people are.  Those politics and that level of stupid were highlighted in some of my jokes this month, though I did sprinkle in me just trying to have some workplace fun with a remote workplace.  Check out the jokes. 

 

9/2 

I decided to start using one of those nifty backgrounds on my video calls at work. #WeGotCows 

 

9/3 

Dwayne Johnson announced that he and his family have COVID. Depending on what symptoms they're experiencing, it is possible that the entire family cannot smell what The Rock is cooking. 

 

9/6 

They gave up the dream. 

 

9/13 

One perk of wearing masks that I haven't seen anyone mention is that as we move into the colder months of the year non-bearded people will finally get the same kind of wind chill protection on their faces that bearded folks have been enjoying all along. 

 

9/16 

I've got a new virtual background for web meetings. I'm just trying to find where the Ninja Turtles live. 

 

9/22 

This reboot of Whose Line isn't even funny, though. 

 

9/24 

I've had a lot of stiffness in one of my shoulders lately so in order to stretch it out I've just been repeatedly doing the choreography from Greased Lightnin'. 

 

9/26 

Honestly, it's kind of impressive when people go on political tirades and despite paragraphs of text don't even manage to accidentally say anything correct or factual. I would think you'd have to try to be that wrong all the time. 

 

9/28 

I had some racist dude in my town threaten to fight me on FB. I'm not going to entertain him on that because that's just dumb as hell, but I don't really understand what there is to accomplish here. There's only 2 possible outcomes from fighting someone over the internet here. 

1. I lose the fight. He's still a racist asshole who fights people over the internet. 

2. I win the fight. He's still a racist asshole who fights people over the internet and proves that he is just as bad at that as he is at making an intelligible point. 

9/29 

In regards to my last post about the guy who wanted to fight me over a FB comment, I present reason # 8,520,672 why I love my wife: her response to this whole thing was, "I'm not scared of that guy doing anything to us, I just don't want the kids to have to see you beat the shit out of someone in the driveway if he shows up at our house." 

#RideOrDie 

 

9/30 

After that presidential debate last night, I figured I'd just hang out on the moon instead. 

 

 

If I can make some predictions for October, I definitely will not have had to fight anyone, I probably will change my virtual background for work meetings several more times, and I may have lost all hope for humanity.  Stay tuned. 

 

-Ryan