Today is the first day of May, so that means it’s time to look back at all the ways I failed to capitalize on April, right? For real, April was a pretty low-key month. I had a solid week of vacation in Mexico with my wife in which I didn’t write any jokes because I had effectively shut off my brain from doing anything other than ordering whatever food and drink I wanted (and attempting to do so in Spanish, a language that I haven’t used consistently since high school). It is also telling that I have not one, but two posts talking about checkups at the doctor so at least I am in the habit of attempting to take care of my soft, shitty, aging body. Let’s check out those jokes.
I didn't drink any alcoholic beverages yesterday but this morning it would seem that my body just gave me a hangover out of habit.
My wife does not like peach or mango, so sometimes I will get myself things with those flavors just so I don't have to share them. #MarriageHack
Last night I dreamt that I was going to have a dance off with Paula Abdul, but dream me thought she was Gloria Estefan so I kept requesting songs by Gloria Estefan, which made Paula Abdul think I was purposely trolling her.
And this just seems like the kind of information that needs to be shared.
My wife fed the dogs before leaving for work this morning and I, not knowing this, ended up feeding them again when I got up. Now I'm worried that the dogs are going to be looking at me like this every morning.
Got checked for diabetes today after a health screening at work last month flagged a high blood sugar reading. My doctor gave me the all clear, so now I'm gonna eat a bunch of cake to celebrate.
I thought I would wear a shirt honoring our savior who was once thought dead but then miraculously rose again after nearly 70 years in ice.
Properly pairing your food and alcohol choices is the difference between being cultured and just being a drunk.
Went to the doctor for a yearly physical and I'm as healthy as someone who is overall pretty healthy but could still stand to eat a little better and exercise a bit more.
Just poking fun at all the nosy folks that immediately run to the local community page every time they hear a siren in town.
With May now I have a few things to look forward to, mostly notably the emotional rollercoaster of playoff hockey and my yearly tradition of disappointing my wife on Mother’s Day. I also snuck in my first grass-cutting of the year and I think I’ve made it perfectly clear in previous posts and jokes how I feel about yard work, so I’ve got the next few months of dancing my lawnmower around the yard while cursing whatever asshole planted gumball trees in this yard. Fun.