April 2022 Joke Round-Up

               Today is the first day of May, so that means it’s time to look back at all the ways I failed to capitalize on April, right?  For real, April was a pretty low-key month.  I had a solid week of vacation in Mexico with my wife in which I didn’t write any jokes because I had effectively shut off my brain from doing anything other than ordering whatever food and drink I wanted (and attempting to do so in Spanish, a language that I haven’t used consistently since high school).  It is also telling that I have not one, but two posts talking about checkups at the doctor so at least I am in the habit of attempting to take care of my soft, shitty, aging body. Let’s check out those jokes.

 

4/3

I didn't drink any alcoholic beverages yesterday but this morning it would seem that my body just gave me a hangover out of habit.

 

4/4

My wife does not like peach or mango, so sometimes I will get myself things with those flavors just so I don't have to share them. #MarriageHack

 

4/6

Last night I dreamt that I was going to have a dance off with Paula Abdul, but dream me thought she was Gloria Estefan so I kept requesting songs by Gloria Estefan, which made Paula Abdul think I was purposely trolling her.

And this just seems like the kind of information that needs to be shared.

 

4/9

My wife fed the dogs before leaving for work this morning and I, not knowing this, ended up feeding them again when I got up. Now I'm worried that the dogs are going to be looking at me like this every morning.

4/14

Got checked for diabetes today after a health screening at work last month flagged a high blood sugar reading. My doctor gave me the all clear, so now I'm gonna eat a bunch of cake to celebrate.

 

4/17

I thought I would wear a shirt honoring our savior who was once thought dead but then miraculously rose again after nearly 70 years in ice.

 4/25

Properly pairing your food and alcohol choices is the difference between being cultured and just being a drunk.

 

4/28

Went to the doctor for a yearly physical and I'm as healthy as someone who is overall pretty healthy but could still stand to eat a little better and exercise a bit more.

 

4/29

Just poking fun at all the nosy folks that immediately run to the local community page every time they hear a siren in town.

 

               With May now I have a few things to look forward to, mostly notably the emotional rollercoaster of playoff hockey and my yearly tradition of disappointing my wife on Mother’s Day.  I also snuck in my first grass-cutting of the year and I think I’ve made it perfectly clear in previous posts and jokes how I feel about yard work, so I’ve got the next few months of dancing my lawnmower around the yard while cursing whatever asshole planted gumball trees in this yard.  Fun.

 

-Ryan