My December joke round up is actually the only one of the round ups that I put together the morning of the 1st each year, all the rest of them I throw together at night on the last day of each month. Naturally, this is because I am always making very responsible decisions on New Year’s Eve each year. This year was no different as I successfully ate and drank enough in the comfort of my own basement that I feel slightly less than human this morning. And in the fully spirit of the holiday, I’m sitting here with a spiked coffee this morning organizing this post as well. It is an absolutely disgusting and rainy day outside today and I woke up to find water dripping into my basement, so I have already spent the morning outside in the rain cleaning gutters and building up some low-lying landscaping to get the rain to flow into the yard and not my basement. It’s alright, we’ll start off the year shitty so that everything else seems better by comparison! Now let’s look at old jokes.
I took the kids to an event at the local movie theater this past weekend and all 3 of us received a free soda and popcorn. As we were leaving, I noticed that my son hadn't eaten any of his popcorn and I was excited at the prospect of having movie theater popcorn to enjoy at home, only to watch in horror as dropped it into the trash can on the way out the door. Currently looking to re-home him because of this egregious act.
Love is when your wife comes home from the store with a few of the microwave burritos you enjoy even though she knows she'll have to deal with the resulting farts.
Get this guy a Puppers.
Me, catching my son on his tablet 2 hours after I said no tablets: "I already said to put tablets away. Put it away."
Son: "I was just..."
Just so there's no confusion over my wishes: if at any point I am in need of an ambulance, just let me fucking die. I'm not paying that bill.
My daughter has picked up a lot of habits from me, but her organizational skills are not one of them. Not sure how she even functions like this.
Crawling through an air duct, just like that scene from a very famous Christmas movie.
Blues fans are currently very excited about their backup-backup(-backup?) goalie, Charlie Lindgren, who has filled in for several games due to injuries/illness. And I'm just a big fan of making silly lists.
My daughter wanted to make some slime and my wife went out and bought all the ingredients for the slime recipe but inadvertently bought shaving gel instead of shaving cream. So I took the shave gel and let my daughter use my shaving cream instead.
And that is why for the foreseeable future I will be using some Ladies Skintimate Shave gel on my face and neck.
I know climate change is literally destroying the planet, but I'm wearing shorts and a t-shirt to clean up my yard on Christmas Eve and it's hard to not enjoy that.
What am I getting for Christmas? Drunk. I'm getting drunk for Christmas.
Why does my dog look like a boomer trying to take a profile pic?
If I'm being completely honest with myself, since about the time I was 15 the only real motivation I've ever had for taking a shower was the hope that someone would want to play with my dick in the near future.
Why does my back hurt today? Because I had wings last night and I can't stop myself from hunching over like a goblin greedily protecting its loot whenever I eat them.
The back pain from the wings was totally worth it. Now I’m gonna go take a shower and hope for the best.