joke round up is actually the only one of the round ups that I put together the
morning of the 1st each year, all the rest of them I throw together
at night on the last day of each month.
Naturally, this is because I am always making very responsible decisions
on New Year’s Eve each year. This year
was no different as I successfully ate and drank enough in the comfort of my
own basement that I feel slightly less than human this morning. And in the fully spirit of the holiday, I’m
sitting here with a spiked coffee this morning organizing this post as well. It is an absolutely disgusting and rainy day
outside today and I woke up to find water dripping into my basement, so I have
already spent the morning outside in the rain cleaning gutters and building up
some low-lying landscaping to get the rain to flow into the yard and not my
basement. It’s alright, we’ll start off
the year shitty so that everything else seems better by comparison! Now let’s look at old jokes.
I took the kids to an event at the
local movie theater this past weekend and all 3 of us received a free soda and
popcorn. As we were leaving, I noticed that my son hadn't eaten any of his
popcorn and I was excited at the prospect of having movie theater popcorn to
enjoy at home, only to watch in horror as dropped it into the trash can on the
way out the door. Currently looking to re-home him because of this egregious
Love is when your wife comes home
from the store with a few of the microwave burritos you enjoy even though she
knows she'll have to deal with the resulting farts.
Get this guy a Puppers.
Me, catching my son on his tablet 2 hours after I said no
tablets: "I already said to put tablets away. Put it away."
Son: "I was just..."
Just so there's no confusion over
my wishes: if at any point I am in need of an ambulance, just let me fucking
die. I'm not paying that bill.
My daughter has picked up a lot of
habits from me, but her organizational skills are not one of them. Not sure how
she even functions like this.
Crawling through an air duct, just
like that scene from a very famous Christmas movie.
Blues fans are currently very
excited about their backup-backup(-backup?) goalie, Charlie Lindgren, who has
filled in for several games due to injuries/illness. And I'm just a big fan of
making silly lists.
My daughter wanted to make some slime and my wife went out and
bought all the ingredients for the slime recipe but inadvertently bought
shaving gel instead of shaving cream. So I took the shave gel and let my
daughter use my shaving cream instead.
And that is why for the foreseeable future I will be using some
Ladies Skintimate Shave gel on my face and neck.
I know climate change is literally
destroying the planet, but I'm wearing shorts and a t-shirt to clean up my yard
on Christmas Eve and it's hard to not enjoy that.
What am I getting for Christmas?
Drunk. I'm getting drunk for Christmas.
Why does my dog look like a boomer trying to take a profile pic?
If I'm being completely honest with
myself, since about the time I was 15 the only real motivation I've ever had
for taking a shower was the hope that someone would want to play with my dick
in the near future.
Why does my back hurt today?
Because I had wings last night and I can't stop myself from hunching over like
a goblin greedily protecting its loot whenever I eat them.
back pain from the wings was totally worth it.
Now I’m gonna go take a shower and hope for the best.