Monday, August 1, 2022

July 2022 Joke Round-Up

               Well, this has been a month of my life.  I started this month on vacation and I’m ending the month in quarantine.  In the days in between those two things, I explored my appreciation for bidets (multiple times) and found out exactly what I did to my knee (hairline fracture to femur, sprain to ACL, tear in meniscus), and had delusions about my ability to both play hockey and be a musical entertainer.  So let’s get to these jokes.
I got back home from vacation yesterday and more than anything else I was really just excited to be back to a bathroom with a bidet. #Pampered
I think the main perk to swimming in a natural body of water instead of a pool is just being able to pee any time you need to.
I finally got an MRI on my knee from that hockey injury back in May and it appears the official diagnosis is that I "fucked it up pretty good."
My wife, thoughtful as ever, got me a stationary bike to help keep my conditioning up while I'm rehabbing my knee and unable to run or play hockey. It's either an extremely sweet gesture or she is not-so-subtly telling me that I'm getting tubby.
It always boggles my mind when someone who claims to have worked in service or retail says things like, "the customer is always right" or "employees should be more respectful." At that point, I'm going to need to see your resume and call your previous employer for verification because one of the great universal truths is that customers represent the general public at their absolute worst.
Every time I see an ad for power-washing with before and after pics I think to myself, "this is also an effective advertisement for bidets."
Incense is the La Croix of the smell world. Everything just smells like you're burning baby powder while looking at a picture of whatever scent it's advertised to be.
A trailer dropped yesterday for a new Dungeons & Dragons movie. And honestly, I am not going to be satisfied with the D&D movie unless we see them completely bungle what should be a simple interrogation with a capture enemy and also spend 45 minutes checking a normal chest for a trap only to sprint into the next room of the dungeon with absolutely no cares, setting off a trap that knocks out one of the party members.
I had a dream the other night that my knee was healed up and I was back to playing hockey. I realized it was a dream because I was actually playing well.
I wonder how long it'll take my wife to notice that I was messing with her bookshelf...

I've got several consecutive days where I am not allowed to go upstairs, cook dinner, do housework, hang out with the family, etc. I'm quarantined in the basement with my Xbox where I cannot possibly be interrupted by anyone or anything else. And all I want to do is sleep. Covid is a cruel mistress.
What it feels like to be quarantined in the basement and have to shout up the stairs asking my wife to toss down anything I need.

Some of my close friends know that I was actually the 6th Backstreet Boy. As such, I was actually supposed to be performing with them in St. Louis tonight, but just count that as 1 more thing that covid took from all of us.
               Thanks to modern medicine and vaccines (from the bottom of my heart, if you’re an antivaxxer please go fuck yourself), my tussle with COVID has been pretty manageable.  I will say that I have now completely readdressed my definition of what it means to be tired, holy shit.  But I’m on the mend from both the virus and the knee injury, so there’s gonna be better days ahead!



Friday, July 1, 2022

June 2022 Joke Round-Up

               Despite the fact that this is set to post on July 1st, I’m actually writing it on June 29th because I am set to leave on vacation in the morning and there is no way in hell I will have the motivation nor the wherewithal to write this the last night of the month like I usually do.   So, I sure hope I don’t just go on a joke-writing spree on June 30th, which is unlikely considering the rest of the month has been almost completely devoid of joke-writing for me already.   On a personal note, I’m a solid month into physical therapy now for the knee injury I sustained at hockey and that means I have spent my time being useless on the bench for my team, a noticeable change from my normal status of being useless on the rink.  Speaking of useless, I am at a full 8 months of some angry right-wing dingleberry attempting to troll both my LPT & personal pages on Facebook because of a Trump joke I wrote back in October.  I don’t have the heart to even block the dingus because he’s clearly starved for attention if he’s made commenting on my page his hobby.  Anyway, moving on from that joke of a human being to these jokes that I wrote.


One nice thing about needing physical therapy for a knee injury is that it absolutely guarantees I don't skip leg day.
Just thinking about that time when I was trying to get my first post-college big boy job and I read a tip that you're supposed to come to an interview with questions for the employer as well, but I didn't understand that it meant questions about things like benefits and office culture, so I'm sitting there asking dumb ass questions to the interviewer like I was writing a report.
What that article meant:
"What kind of benefits do you offer to supplement salary? And if I start in this position, what sort of opportunities for advancement are there?"
What I fucking did:
"According to Forbes, you've seen a 50% year over year growth, which is far higher than the industry average. To what do you attribute that success and do you feel it's sustainable long term?"
Had a dream last night that I marched into my previous employer's business, called a meeting with the owners and the GM, started the meeting off with, "first of all, fuck you" and then just continued to go off on them.
One of the most satisfying dreams I've had in a while.
There are a lot of Juneteenth posts out there today, which is great! There are also exactly the people you would expect posting angry comments about Juneteenth.
If you are mad about the celebration of Juneteenth, then you are exactly the reason why it is important.
I've got an electric toothbrush that automatically shuts off after the recommended 2 minutes of brushing. And now, on the rare instances I have to use a regular toothbrush I find myself endlessly brushing as I wait for it to shut off; my brain just completely ignoring that it's my own stupid hand doing all the work.
If you are friends with anyone who does not support women's bodily autonomy, FB has implemented a neat little feature to let them know that you are disappointed in their backwards thinking, and it's actually pretty simple to use!
1. Go to their page
2. Look for a spot on their wall that says "Write something to [Person's Name]"
3. Type in "Go fuck yourself"
4 Click the button that says "Post"
All done! Thanks for this feature, FB!
Practicing my Spanish and I stumbled upon the plot of Avengers: Endgame.


               At the time of this being posted, I will be enjoying some Irish coffee while sitting out on a boat dock enjoying the lake.  I hope everyone else enjoys their holiday weekend except for those crap-stains on the Supreme Court, the garbage politicians that enabled them, and the dopes that voted those POS politicians into office. 


Wednesday, June 1, 2022

May 2022 Joke Round-Up

              Well, since my last monthly round up, the Blues have both started and ended their playoff run, which was exciting, upsetting, joyful and maddening all in the matter of a couple of weeks.  I also officiated a wedding (aww!), rendered myself unable to currently walk due to injury (oof!), and attempted to make a name for myself in real estate (huh?).  Everything else was just a standard month of poop jokes, me eating too much, and my kids having no chill.  So about those jokes.


When you get out the potato chips and next thing you know you've eaten the whole bag, that's a snaccident.
Personally, I feel like the movie Dogma should be a required watch for all politicians and supreme court justices.

Pretty much every morning like clockwork.
Me: "Looks like it's just about time to log in for work."
My colon:

I would've liked to have seen how people who are angry about self-checkouts now handled life when gas stations did away with attendants and switched to self-service pumps. Just sitting in their cars shouting, "I DON'T WORK HERE!"
I would like a response on this, Donna. Trying to make some supplemental income selling houses I don't own, since you're offering.

Thinking for future weddings that I officiate I'll throw in a little Price is Right PSA at the end of it.
"I now pronounce you man and wife, you may kiss the bride. Help control the pet population, get your pet spayed or neutered."
My wife watches a lot of rock shows on Facebook and that sounds pretty cool until you find out that it's shows where people sell decorative rocks, not shows with rock & roll music.
My daughter saw some of my spreadsheets on my work computer and asked what I do and how I do it. So I gave her a quick explanation of what I do and how I read one of my Excel reports.
Me: "And I also sometimes teach other people how to read this report so they can use it on their programs."
Abby: "Are you any good at teaching them? Because I still don't know how to do it."
This past Saturday I officiated a friend's wedding. And then Sunday, I ended up with a pretty nasty knee injury in hockey. This week has been spent hobbling around on crutches, meeting with the doctor for tests & xrays to try to find out what exactly I did, and wistfully looking at my friend's wedding photos as I recall what life was like with 2 good legs.

I was talking hockey in a FB group the other day and some random fan of the other team attempted to trash talk me by saying, "Enjoy the offseason because we're eliminating you tomorrow" which is honestly just stupid as hell. Neither of us is playing in the game. I'm not getting eliminated, he's just a fucking guy who will be watching the game on tv trying to insult another guy who will be watching the game on tv because I cheer for a different sweater than he does. I wonder if that dude gets just as fired up shit-talking people who like a different contestant from him on The Masked Singer.
               It is worth mentioning along with the last joke that, as much as I love hockey, I actually do enjoy the offseason due in large part to the fact that I’m pretty normal human being with varied hobbies and interests.  When hockey season is over, that frees up roughly 3 nights of week where I would have been watching hockey that I now can fill with other things that I also like to do.  The world is already a depressing enough place, there’s no need to make myself overly upset over the end of a season of sports. 

Sunday, May 1, 2022

April 2022 Joke Round-Up

               Today is the first day of May, so that means it’s time to look back at all the ways I failed to capitalize on April, right?  For real, April was a pretty low-key month.  I had a solid week of vacation in Mexico with my wife in which I didn’t write any jokes because I had effectively shut off my brain from doing anything other than ordering whatever food and drink I wanted (and attempting to do so in Spanish, a language that I haven’t used consistently since high school).  It is also telling that I have not one, but two posts talking about checkups at the doctor so at least I am in the habit of attempting to take care of my soft, shitty, aging body. Let’s check out those jokes.



I didn't drink any alcoholic beverages yesterday but this morning it would seem that my body just gave me a hangover out of habit.



My wife does not like peach or mango, so sometimes I will get myself things with those flavors just so I don't have to share them. #MarriageHack



Last night I dreamt that I was going to have a dance off with Paula Abdul, but dream me thought she was Gloria Estefan so I kept requesting songs by Gloria Estefan, which made Paula Abdul think I was purposely trolling her.

And this just seems like the kind of information that needs to be shared.



My wife fed the dogs before leaving for work this morning and I, not knowing this, ended up feeding them again when I got up. Now I'm worried that the dogs are going to be looking at me like this every morning.


Got checked for diabetes today after a health screening at work last month flagged a high blood sugar reading. My doctor gave me the all clear, so now I'm gonna eat a bunch of cake to celebrate.



I thought I would wear a shirt honoring our savior who was once thought dead but then miraculously rose again after nearly 70 years in ice.


Properly pairing your food and alcohol choices is the difference between being cultured and just being a drunk.



Went to the doctor for a yearly physical and I'm as healthy as someone who is overall pretty healthy but could still stand to eat a little better and exercise a bit more.



Just poking fun at all the nosy folks that immediately run to the local community page every time they hear a siren in town.


               With May now I have a few things to look forward to, mostly notably the emotional rollercoaster of playoff hockey and my yearly tradition of disappointing my wife on Mother’s Day.  I also snuck in my first grass-cutting of the year and I think I’ve made it perfectly clear in previous posts and jokes how I feel about yard work, so I’ve got the next few months of dancing my lawnmower around the yard while cursing whatever asshole planted gumball trees in this yard.  Fun.



Friday, April 1, 2022

March 2022 Joke Round-Up

               March is over and I end the month older than when I started it.  I’m only slightly embarrassed to admit that I lost a good chunk of this month to being hungover.  That’s not to see that I spent the month getting drunk, the hangovers apparently just last so much longer these days.  I am going to go ahead and blame those hangovers.  You can see from the jokes that at least my wife and I have begun to prepare for our bodies to be unable to party like they used to.  In addition to questioning my body’s fortitude in the face of food and drink, this month also saw my manhood and my hockey skills being questioned so really it’s just a model of consistency in my well-established deprecating humor.  And now the jokes.



Describing the unhinged section of the American political spectrum using the NFL. Works out surprisingly well.



Had a random guy in a comments section tell me I need to be more manly because I used a reaction gif with a *gasp* woman in it.

Cannot imagine how much therapy it would take to work through that level of insecurity. Yikes.



My daughter and I watch a lot of Food Network shows together. Tonight as I was chopping up carrots, celery, and onion for dinner she walked into the room, saw what I was doing and said, "Ooh, making a mirepoix?"

Uncle Bobby & Uncle Guy have a lot of influence here.



I play hockey on Sundays and occasionally have games at 10:30 pm, which means I don't get to bed until around 1 am. Thankfully, I have a very strict routine for dealing with those late games.

-No caffeine after 2pm on game day

-Eat a nice, healthy dinner about 7ish.

-Low music on the drive home

-Relaxing hot shower

-Lay in bed, pissed off that I can't sleep

-Feel like shit the next day and slam coffee/soda/energy drinks



I will definitely play a few shifts out there but calling what I do "help" is pretty generous terminology.



Ameren came out last night and dug up half of our yard due to an underground gas leak at our house.

And for the first and hopefully last time the phrase "underground gas leak" is not a reference to me farting in the basement.



I will never understand how my wife can fall asleep in the living room for an hour or two, then get up, go to bed and fall right asleep like nothing. If I even close my eyes for 5 minutes on the couch my body decides I should stay up til fucking 2 a.m.



Personally, I think steak is perfect when cooked medium rare. But if you're paying for a steak, then you're welcome to have it cooked however you'd like. You can also drop money on a Bentley to use in a demolition derby if that's how you wanna waste your money.



I like to show my appreciation.



My wife and I have an upcoming 2nd honeymoon planned. In preparation for a whole week without kids at an all-inclusive resort in Mexico, we stopped by the pharmacy to pick up some essentials so we can really let loose and get wild.

We're old.



Recently, country music artist Eric Church canceled an upcoming concert so that he can watch an NCAA basketball game and there are apparently a lot of people who are very upset about this. Personally, I support his decision to cancel the show. I would support his decision to cancel more shows. I am in favor of the cancellation of any and all country music concerts. Nobody should have to listen to that.


                As mentioned in one of those jokes, I do have an upcoming trip to Mexico planned.  I don’t think it’s TMI (because I’m pretty sure I made a joke about it when it happened) but last time my wife and I went I had to go to the doctor for pooping too much when we got back stateside, so fingers crossed that either those meds work out or I am blessed with some really inspired poop jokes next month.



Tuesday, March 1, 2022

February 2022 Joke Round-Up

                February is over, which means we are nearing the end of the shittiest half of the year in fall and winter.  I say this, of course, as we are in the early stages of the next potential world war in which spring could feasibly be replaced with nuclear winter, so that’s fun.  I’m just going to keep writing jokes because what the hell else are you gonna do, right?  And because society itself is a walking punchline, as Ukrainians fight to keep their country from Russian invaders currently, here in America we have a bunch of man-children driving across country because they’re mad about being asked to do the bare minimum to stop the spread of a worldwide pandemic.  We are absolutely living in the dumbest timeline.  So here are some jokes.



Having a bit of a rough morning today, I powered through several cups of coffee. I ended up putting more caffeine in my body in an hour than I typically have in a day. And suddenly I understand that episode of Saved By The Bell when Jessie was abusing those caffeine pills.



I hope nobody farts in this elevator.



My wife is having surgery this week and to avoid any rescheduling of it due to COVID I did not attend the annual hot wing festival that is essentially a religious holiday for me. Pretty sure that means I don't have to do anything for her for Valentine's Day because there's not really anything more romantic or meaningful that I can do that tops skipping wings for her.



I told my wife that while she's getting surgery this morning I'm gonna go find a bar and she can just come be my DD once the procedure is done. #Romantic



I have been telling my wife for years that she snores like a freight train. While going over her medical history today the question came up of "do you snore loudly" and I finally had to come clean that I'd made it up just to tease her. After the glare she gave me I am pretty sure the nurse is concerned for my safety.



The first thing my wife said after waking up from anesthesia was "I'm hungry, I want tacos" so I guess she's fine.



My daughter just forgot the term "take a chill pill" and instead told me I needed to "take a calm shot." #ShotsShotsShots



Just flexing my "Group Expert" status.



My son has been playing Plague Inc. on his tablet lately. He just infected the entire world with a disease he named "Hot N Tasty."



Who wore it better?



Just gonna leave this right here.



I don't want to dress like Johnny Weir but I would love that level of confidence in my wardrobe because far too often have I put on pants and shirt, looked in the mirror and thought something to the effect of, "I don't know if this is too much blue. And are my shoes too big for my pants?"



My wife and kids all have the day off from work/school for President's Day.

Me: "Geez, you all are so lucky. Enjoy your day off while I spend the day working."

Daughter: "Oh no, you have to stay in the basement wearing your pajamas. So terrible."

Looks like somebody's gonna be scrubbing the kitchen tiles with a toothbrush today.



All I'm saying is that this stuff with Russia is messed up and I'm going to be really mad if the world gets nuked before I get to see Dr. Strange in the Multiverse of Madness.



I'm not being dramatic. This is serious.



I am turning into Pavlov's Dog. I don't even have to actually drink the coffee anymore, just pour myself a cup of it and I immediately have to use the bathroom.



I caught my daughter laying on the couch humming "99 Red Balloons" and I've never felt more successful as a parent than I do right now.



There's been some people in my local community page asking where they can go to watch the so-called "Freedom Convoy" pass by and that is so weird to me because I have never once thought to myself "I would really like to go see some children throwing a tantrum."


                One fun thing about that last joke is that, like clockwork, it brought my very own troll back out of the woodwork.  See, I wrote a joke back in October that apparently he didn’t like and since then he shows up to comment on any vaguely political joke that I write.  I like to think that I’m pretty self aware; I write these jokes as a hobby and for a pretty miniscule audience, so I truly can’t think of much that is more pathetic than someone spending 4 months (and counting) of their life hate-following my page.  Fucking big yikes for that dude.  On the bright side, because of the way Facebook algorithms work, he’s actually increasing my page reach, so thanks I guess?



Tuesday, February 1, 2022

January 2022 Joke Round-Up

                Oh hi, January is already over because this planet is just hurtling us around the sun at a seemingly increasing rate of speed.  The good news here is that I have not broken any of my new year’s resolutions yet.  I didn’t make any resolutions because if you really feel like making a change in life you can do that whenever you like regardless of what the calendar looks like.  Also, I’m awesome already so my one resolution would be to just keep doing that.  Speaking of awesome, let’s look at these jokes already.
Laying in bed the other night, my wife got up to go to the bathroom and the following conversation happened when she came back to bed.
Me: "I love you."
Her: "I love you. I didn't wake you up, did I?"
Me: "No, I was awake. I just came to bed a few minutes ago."
Her: "Oh, so you probably woke me up. Jerk."
There are a few randoms who have added me as a FB friend over the years that I do not know personally and honestly don't even really like, but I haven't unfriended them because observing the stupid shit they post as they seemingly navigate life without a brain makes me feel like Jane Goodall.
For a little peek behind the curtain about my last joke: I had the initial thought for it while laying it bed, but knew I would need to flesh out the idea the following day. Not wanting to forget the idea, I sent a quick text to my sleeping wife knowing she would be confused and remind me. Sure enough, the next morning I had forgotten all about the joke until my wife walked into the kitchen and asked, "Why did you text me 'Jane Goodall' at 11:30 last night?"
My wife's plans for the day included a gynecologist appointment and also picking up a coat rack for our front room. But those 2 things together on her calendar seem concerning.

Just flexing a little on my work meetings.

This morning I shared a meme on my personal page of a fabricated conversation making fun of Joe Rogan. Some guy got mad at me because apparently he didn't think it was obvious enough that it was a joke. Guess I better go back through my photos and put a disclaimer on them or else he might end up out there looking for that fake Salt-N-Peppa Pig album I made.
Someone made a post in my local community page that essentially said, "Hey things are rough, don't be a dick to service industry workers" and this apparently was a point of view worth arguing about to a lot of people.
That's really all you need to know about why society is fucked.
My wife was late getting home from work tonight. So, lacking adult supervision, dinner was me using a spatula to launch tater tots across the room for the kids to try to catch in their mouths.
I really should have my own cooking show. There's nothing inherently impressive about the things I cook, but watching me sing Madonna's "Like A Prayer" into a spaghetti fork could surely snag a few viewers.

It was actually pretty disappointing how many people did not get this joke. On the bright side, my awesome wife joined me in my tomfoolery.


You can play golf in GTA V.
According to Google, the first golf course in the United States was built in 1892.
Rockstar, I demand a playable golf course in the Red Dead Redemption series.


Making some mixed drinks over here.

I can't say that I've ever really enjoyed bread. It's just a vehicle to get other things to my mouth.
To everyone mad about M&M's being made "less sexy" now, I need you to please also weigh in with your thoughts on the Snickers dick vein.
This is a perfectly reasonable reaction to having your post deleted from a group, right?

Joe Rogan fans get so upset if you even allude to any negativity towards him or his level of intelligence.
Like, sorry, I don't consider the guy who hosted a show about people eating pickled buffalo dick for money as one of the foremost thinkers of our time.


My previous joke is actually a comment I left on another post I saw making fun of Joe Rogan. And to be honest, reading the responses on that post by his upset fans feels a lot like reading the lyrics to Eminem's song "Stan".


                It is probably worth mentioning that I actually did drink the Pepto/Nyquil cocktail because I hate being wasteful. It was disgusting.  If you are suffering from a mix of ailments that could be tackled by both of those medications, I strongly suggest taking them separately.  And seriously, if one of the 3 people reading this right now can get word to Rockstar to put golf into the Red Dead series, I would be eternally grateful.