Thursday, December 1, 2022

November 2022 Joke Round-Up

               I don’t know why, but this month felt extremely long.  I was going back to grab the jokes I’d posted from the beginning of the month and was legitimately surprised to see some of them were from this month.  And what that really means is that I am just surprised that the whole bleached hair thing was not longer ago.  Mostly, I think I just want to mentally distance myself from the blonde hair and blonde soul patch thing that happened while I was shaving.  Anyways, these are some jokes.
Halloween being over is pretty depressing because now I'm no longer Guy Fieri, I'm just a dad in his mid-thirties with bleached blonde hair and a weird goatee.
I shaved off the Guy Fieri goatee and now I look like I'm ready to be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned.
I'm just trying to make the most of this hair.

In between Flavortown and The Black Parade I did make a momentary stop off at whatever this abomination is.

Me when another car and I both pull up to a 4-way stop at the exact same time:

When you see all the dummies regurgitating the nonsense claim that schools are putting in litter boxes for students that identify as cats, it really helps you understand how so many people got duped into sending money to Nigerian "princes".
I do have to say, seeing Darren Bailey and Tom DeVore taking Ls in these Illinois election results is really just:

*waking up to see snow covering the ground*
Me: "Unsubscribe."
Just an important message right now with Thanksgiving approaching, but truly relevant all year round:
Sweet potatoes can fuck all the way off.
When donating blood there is a sweet spot where you are hydrated enough that your veins are easily accessible, but not so hydrated that you have to do the potty-dance in the middle of your donation.
I have yet to find that sweet spot, but I do believe it exists.
There is a direct correlation between people who have on Fox News during Thanksgiving dinner and people who put bland-ass macaroni on the table.
No matter how much leftovers I am trying to put away, I can guarantee that I will pick the wrong size tupperware for it.
If there's one thing you can be sure of in life, it's that the more someone complains about their "freedom of speech" being violated the less they understand what the 1st amendment actually protects.
               Well, it’s cold now, the time change has happened so it’s dark at like 4:30 pm, we’ve snow a couple of times, and there’s already a bunch of absolute morons acting like they’re not allowed to say “Merry Christmas” anymore because faking oppression is the only personality they know.  Everything is ass and I hate it.  Let’s just keep barreling headfirst into the end of this year and hope that it is spring soon.

Tuesday, November 1, 2022

October 2022 Joke Round-Up

              It is November now and that is gross.  We are now fully & firmly entrenched in the butthole of the year.  The hours of daylight have significantly decreased, the weather is getting colder and nasty, and as I look out my window right now the ground covered with a bunch of wet ass leaves that I’ll have to go clean up at some point during the, as previously mentioned, diminishing hours of daylight.  In addition to just how absolutely shitty this time of year is, in current events we have the midterm elections coming up here this month, so we will likely get to continue watching the downfall of America as we watch the products of our failed education system vote into office people that remind them of their own stupid selves. Speaking of idiots, it has now been a full year since I picked up my very own troll who was mad at a joke I wrote making fun of the whole “let’s go Brandon” thing.  He added entertainment to this month in my FB comment sections by seemingly being confused about the distinction between libertarians and librarians.  Remember like 3 sentences ago when I said that thing about products of a failed education system getting to vote?  Yikes.  Anyways, about these jokes I wrote.

Just making my D&D/Pathfinder group proud. I'll give my character a big fuzzy hat, too.

As we get closer to election day there are political ads everywhere and I keep seeing some really stupid sponsored posts from Illinois Policy Institute popping up on my timeline. In looking into that organization I found an oxymoron in the description.

Gonna get a group of friends together to play some tactical shooting games with light-guns while wearing nice dinner jackets.
I'm pretty excited about Blazer Tag.
With all the squats and legwork that I've had to do in physical therapy, I am considering getting myself a new pair of hockey shorts for when I'm cleared to play again.

I'm chipping in with a few other guys to run the hockey league I play in, including doing a lot of work on the FB page. And sometimes I can't help myself from having a little fun with messages in the league inbox.

I saw a video on my timeline of a woman making a taco pie. She put some nacho cheese Doritos and taco meat in a pie shell. No problems there. Then she topped it with mozzarella cheese. That shit made me so mad I could've punched through a wall.
What kind of disgusting person would do that? Absolute garbage.

At this Halloween party I heard someone behind me say, "This one is farting an awful lot, he may need to be changed soon." Worried that my crop-dusting had been found out, I turned around and was relieved to find that they were talking about the baby they were holding.
I trimmed up my facial hair last night and have a hair appointment this evening to get me looking the part for my Halloween costume. And it just occurred to me that we have parent-teacher conferences for our kids the next 2 days.
Looks like I'm meeting the kids' teachers as Guy Fieri.
Working remotely from Flavortown.


               Ending this on a positive note, since my intro was decidedly negative, my knee is all healed up and I have made my triumphant return to playing hockey.  That’s pretty dang exciting and I am thankfully no worse of a player than I was before my injury.  Also, this whole Guy Fieri costume has made Halloween an absolute blast, highly recommend.


Saturday, October 1, 2022

September 2022 Joke Round-Up

               It is October.  On the one hand, that means hockey is back.  On the other hand, that means we are now officially in the complete shitfest of a season that is fall, barreling stupidly towards the equally (if not more so) shitty season of winter.  It’s getting cold and it’s getting dark earlier and I hate it.  But you knew this already because part of who I am fundamentally as a person is to endlessly complain about how much I hate those seasons; it’s core to my being.  But back to the positive, hockey is back. And speaking of hockey, after news that the league I was playing in was going to fold, I have become a co-commissioner of that league in order to help it continue existing, so that is new and fun.  We actually start our new season tomorrow and I am hoping to actually be cleared to play from my knee injury within the next few month as well.  And as you can see from the jokes about both physical and mental therapy, I appear to be doing just fine.
I was chatting with some co-workers about how much I love the functionality of MS Excel (nerd!). Then I busted out this bad boy on them.
One of my favorite things to do as a dad is to sneak foods that the kids claim to hate (onions, mushrooms, etc.) into the dishes I make for dinner and watch them happily chow it down, completely oblivious.
When you get a new microwave and are about to try out the "Popcorn" button on a bag of microwave popcorn for the first time...
My wife was laying on the floor trying to play with one of the dogs. I thought the visual looked familiar...


I know some people are concerned about Mercury being in retrograde, but my living room lamp is angled to the southwest, so in the land of made-up nonsense I think it all cancels out.
If you wax and curl your mustache, then I assume that you also tie women to train tracks.
I had no idea I could earn tickets or prizes for this. I've spent my life doing it just for the hit of dopamine.

Came across this ad last night while I was up late, unable to sleep. Thought it wasn't quite on the nose enough, so I touched it up a bit for the sake of accuracy.

I do not understand how Renaissance Faires work. Can you just show up dressed as the king? If multiple people do this, are they obligated to go to war?
This afternoon I have physical therapy on my knee, followed by donating blood, and then a CPR class. So today is a delicate balance of eating and drinking enough that I don't pass out donating blood while also not overdoing it to the point that I vomit during my PT exercises. And making sure I am still awake for CPR.
Also need to make sure I keep all of the scheduling straight because I'm only supposed to bleed at one of those places.
When your office is downstairs but you just had leg day.

The American Idiot album came out in 2004. So the song Wake Me Up When September Ends has been around for 18 years now.
At this point, repeating the "wake up that guy from Green Day" joke has the exact same energy as telling the cashier "guess that means it's free!" when an item won't scan.
               I had a couple of consistent strings of daily jokes there.  Nice, look at me go.  Don’t get used to that though, I like to keep expectations low.  Of course, if you are reading this at all, you likely already have exceedingly low expectations for me, so I think we’re okay.

Thursday, September 1, 2022

August 2022 Joke Round-Up

              So that’s it for August.  As you, dear reader (singular) may recall, I had COVID at the end of July.  While I only felt really bad for one day, it’s a whole month later and I’ll be damned if I’m not still feeling that ‘rona fatigue.  To be honest, I really didn’t need any help feeling tired all the time as the ever-beating drum of time combined with parenthood has done a pretty fine job of doing that already, but I guess I’ll just consider this a little bit of bonus exhaustion.  That lil bit of extra fatigue has paired nicely with my physical therapy on my knee, too, but we’re powering through and getting ever closer to being 100% and getting back to hockey.  Anyways, let’s see these jokes.
For the first time in a long while, I got the chance to sit down and play some video games for several hours straight. Apparently, my body didn't know how to handle that because when I tried to stand up to walk to the bathroom, I very quickly and clumsily realized that both of my legs had fallen asleep. And as luck would have it, there's a picture of what happened:

My knee has improved enough that yesterday, for the first time since May, I mowed the lawn. Remembering how much I hate it, today I asked my physical therapist if he'd send me home with a note saying I'm not allowed to do that.
I put a few items on the shopping list for my wife. #SubliminalMessages

I'm having pizza and coffee for breakfast because, as my knee improves, I'm really looking to test my limits and see just how quickly I can make it to the bathroom.
Honestly, I'm a little bummed that loss of taste and smell were not included with my covid symptoms because I was fully prepared to just be SLAMMING shots of tequila in my basement.
My local community page has a rule against bashing businesses. And according to some of the dumber members of the group, it is a violation of their first amendment rights to not be allowed to complain that the food they ordered from Taco Bell was exactly the level of quality food you should expect when ordering from Taco Bell.

Me clicking Hide on every "inspirational" post referencing god or religion that pops up in my FB timeline.

One of my best friends is getting married this weekend and rehabbing my knee enough to dance at his wedding has been one of my major goals during physical therapy. It's been a lot of hard work, but this leg is gonna get stanky.
I've reached a point in my life where I would pay extra for a hotel room with a bidet.
A couple of weeks ago I hit my 2 year anniversary at work. And yesterday I actually went in to one of the offices for the first time since I started. As luck would have it, one of the security cameras captured me exploring the building.

It would appear that I just jammed all of my jokes into the middle of the month and took the first and last weeks of August off.    Taking 50% of the month off from writing jokes is certainly a strategy.  We’ll see how that plays out next month.

Monday, August 1, 2022

July 2022 Joke Round-Up

               Well, this has been a month of my life.  I started this month on vacation and I’m ending the month in quarantine.  In the days in between those two things, I explored my appreciation for bidets (multiple times) and found out exactly what I did to my knee (hairline fracture to femur, sprain to ACL, tear in meniscus), and had delusions about my ability to both play hockey and be a musical entertainer.  So let’s get to these jokes.
I got back home from vacation yesterday and more than anything else I was really just excited to be back to a bathroom with a bidet. #Pampered
I think the main perk to swimming in a natural body of water instead of a pool is just being able to pee any time you need to.
I finally got an MRI on my knee from that hockey injury back in May and it appears the official diagnosis is that I "fucked it up pretty good."
My wife, thoughtful as ever, got me a stationary bike to help keep my conditioning up while I'm rehabbing my knee and unable to run or play hockey. It's either an extremely sweet gesture or she is not-so-subtly telling me that I'm getting tubby.
It always boggles my mind when someone who claims to have worked in service or retail says things like, "the customer is always right" or "employees should be more respectful." At that point, I'm going to need to see your resume and call your previous employer for verification because one of the great universal truths is that customers represent the general public at their absolute worst.
Every time I see an ad for power-washing with before and after pics I think to myself, "this is also an effective advertisement for bidets."
Incense is the La Croix of the smell world. Everything just smells like you're burning baby powder while looking at a picture of whatever scent it's advertised to be.
A trailer dropped yesterday for a new Dungeons & Dragons movie. And honestly, I am not going to be satisfied with the D&D movie unless we see them completely bungle what should be a simple interrogation with a capture enemy and also spend 45 minutes checking a normal chest for a trap only to sprint into the next room of the dungeon with absolutely no cares, setting off a trap that knocks out one of the party members.
I had a dream the other night that my knee was healed up and I was back to playing hockey. I realized it was a dream because I was actually playing well.
I wonder how long it'll take my wife to notice that I was messing with her bookshelf...

I've got several consecutive days where I am not allowed to go upstairs, cook dinner, do housework, hang out with the family, etc. I'm quarantined in the basement with my Xbox where I cannot possibly be interrupted by anyone or anything else. And all I want to do is sleep. Covid is a cruel mistress.
What it feels like to be quarantined in the basement and have to shout up the stairs asking my wife to toss down anything I need.

Some of my close friends know that I was actually the 6th Backstreet Boy. As such, I was actually supposed to be performing with them in St. Louis tonight, but just count that as 1 more thing that covid took from all of us.
               Thanks to modern medicine and vaccines (from the bottom of my heart, if you’re an antivaxxer please go fuck yourself), my tussle with COVID has been pretty manageable.  I will say that I have now completely readdressed my definition of what it means to be tired, holy shit.  But I’m on the mend from both the virus and the knee injury, so there’s gonna be better days ahead!



Friday, July 1, 2022

June 2022 Joke Round-Up

               Despite the fact that this is set to post on July 1st, I’m actually writing it on June 29th because I am set to leave on vacation in the morning and there is no way in hell I will have the motivation nor the wherewithal to write this the last night of the month like I usually do.   So, I sure hope I don’t just go on a joke-writing spree on June 30th, which is unlikely considering the rest of the month has been almost completely devoid of joke-writing for me already.   On a personal note, I’m a solid month into physical therapy now for the knee injury I sustained at hockey and that means I have spent my time being useless on the bench for my team, a noticeable change from my normal status of being useless on the rink.  Speaking of useless, I am at a full 8 months of some angry right-wing dingleberry attempting to troll both my LPT & personal pages on Facebook because of a Trump joke I wrote back in October.  I don’t have the heart to even block the dingus because he’s clearly starved for attention if he’s made commenting on my page his hobby.  Anyway, moving on from that joke of a human being to these jokes that I wrote.


One nice thing about needing physical therapy for a knee injury is that it absolutely guarantees I don't skip leg day.
Just thinking about that time when I was trying to get my first post-college big boy job and I read a tip that you're supposed to come to an interview with questions for the employer as well, but I didn't understand that it meant questions about things like benefits and office culture, so I'm sitting there asking dumb ass questions to the interviewer like I was writing a report.
What that article meant:
"What kind of benefits do you offer to supplement salary? And if I start in this position, what sort of opportunities for advancement are there?"
What I fucking did:
"According to Forbes, you've seen a 50% year over year growth, which is far higher than the industry average. To what do you attribute that success and do you feel it's sustainable long term?"
Had a dream last night that I marched into my previous employer's business, called a meeting with the owners and the GM, started the meeting off with, "first of all, fuck you" and then just continued to go off on them.
One of the most satisfying dreams I've had in a while.
There are a lot of Juneteenth posts out there today, which is great! There are also exactly the people you would expect posting angry comments about Juneteenth.
If you are mad about the celebration of Juneteenth, then you are exactly the reason why it is important.
I've got an electric toothbrush that automatically shuts off after the recommended 2 minutes of brushing. And now, on the rare instances I have to use a regular toothbrush I find myself endlessly brushing as I wait for it to shut off; my brain just completely ignoring that it's my own stupid hand doing all the work.
If you are friends with anyone who does not support women's bodily autonomy, FB has implemented a neat little feature to let them know that you are disappointed in their backwards thinking, and it's actually pretty simple to use!
1. Go to their page
2. Look for a spot on their wall that says "Write something to [Person's Name]"
3. Type in "Go fuck yourself"
4 Click the button that says "Post"
All done! Thanks for this feature, FB!
Practicing my Spanish and I stumbled upon the plot of Avengers: Endgame.


               At the time of this being posted, I will be enjoying some Irish coffee while sitting out on a boat dock enjoying the lake.  I hope everyone else enjoys their holiday weekend except for those crap-stains on the Supreme Court, the garbage politicians that enabled them, and the dopes that voted those POS politicians into office. 


Wednesday, June 1, 2022

May 2022 Joke Round-Up

              Well, since my last monthly round up, the Blues have both started and ended their playoff run, which was exciting, upsetting, joyful and maddening all in the matter of a couple of weeks.  I also officiated a wedding (aww!), rendered myself unable to currently walk due to injury (oof!), and attempted to make a name for myself in real estate (huh?).  Everything else was just a standard month of poop jokes, me eating too much, and my kids having no chill.  So about those jokes.


When you get out the potato chips and next thing you know you've eaten the whole bag, that's a snaccident.
Personally, I feel like the movie Dogma should be a required watch for all politicians and supreme court justices.

Pretty much every morning like clockwork.
Me: "Looks like it's just about time to log in for work."
My colon:

I would've liked to have seen how people who are angry about self-checkouts now handled life when gas stations did away with attendants and switched to self-service pumps. Just sitting in their cars shouting, "I DON'T WORK HERE!"
I would like a response on this, Donna. Trying to make some supplemental income selling houses I don't own, since you're offering.

Thinking for future weddings that I officiate I'll throw in a little Price is Right PSA at the end of it.
"I now pronounce you man and wife, you may kiss the bride. Help control the pet population, get your pet spayed or neutered."
My wife watches a lot of rock shows on Facebook and that sounds pretty cool until you find out that it's shows where people sell decorative rocks, not shows with rock & roll music.
My daughter saw some of my spreadsheets on my work computer and asked what I do and how I do it. So I gave her a quick explanation of what I do and how I read one of my Excel reports.
Me: "And I also sometimes teach other people how to read this report so they can use it on their programs."
Abby: "Are you any good at teaching them? Because I still don't know how to do it."
This past Saturday I officiated a friend's wedding. And then Sunday, I ended up with a pretty nasty knee injury in hockey. This week has been spent hobbling around on crutches, meeting with the doctor for tests & xrays to try to find out what exactly I did, and wistfully looking at my friend's wedding photos as I recall what life was like with 2 good legs.

I was talking hockey in a FB group the other day and some random fan of the other team attempted to trash talk me by saying, "Enjoy the offseason because we're eliminating you tomorrow" which is honestly just stupid as hell. Neither of us is playing in the game. I'm not getting eliminated, he's just a fucking guy who will be watching the game on tv trying to insult another guy who will be watching the game on tv because I cheer for a different sweater than he does. I wonder if that dude gets just as fired up shit-talking people who like a different contestant from him on The Masked Singer.
               It is worth mentioning along with the last joke that, as much as I love hockey, I actually do enjoy the offseason due in large part to the fact that I’m pretty normal human being with varied hobbies and interests.  When hockey season is over, that frees up roughly 3 nights of week where I would have been watching hockey that I now can fill with other things that I also like to do.  The world is already a depressing enough place, there’s no need to make myself overly upset over the end of a season of sports. 

Sunday, May 1, 2022

April 2022 Joke Round-Up

               Today is the first day of May, so that means it’s time to look back at all the ways I failed to capitalize on April, right?  For real, April was a pretty low-key month.  I had a solid week of vacation in Mexico with my wife in which I didn’t write any jokes because I had effectively shut off my brain from doing anything other than ordering whatever food and drink I wanted (and attempting to do so in Spanish, a language that I haven’t used consistently since high school).  It is also telling that I have not one, but two posts talking about checkups at the doctor so at least I am in the habit of attempting to take care of my soft, shitty, aging body. Let’s check out those jokes.



I didn't drink any alcoholic beverages yesterday but this morning it would seem that my body just gave me a hangover out of habit.



My wife does not like peach or mango, so sometimes I will get myself things with those flavors just so I don't have to share them. #MarriageHack



Last night I dreamt that I was going to have a dance off with Paula Abdul, but dream me thought she was Gloria Estefan so I kept requesting songs by Gloria Estefan, which made Paula Abdul think I was purposely trolling her.

And this just seems like the kind of information that needs to be shared.



My wife fed the dogs before leaving for work this morning and I, not knowing this, ended up feeding them again when I got up. Now I'm worried that the dogs are going to be looking at me like this every morning.


Got checked for diabetes today after a health screening at work last month flagged a high blood sugar reading. My doctor gave me the all clear, so now I'm gonna eat a bunch of cake to celebrate.



I thought I would wear a shirt honoring our savior who was once thought dead but then miraculously rose again after nearly 70 years in ice.


Properly pairing your food and alcohol choices is the difference between being cultured and just being a drunk.



Went to the doctor for a yearly physical and I'm as healthy as someone who is overall pretty healthy but could still stand to eat a little better and exercise a bit more.



Just poking fun at all the nosy folks that immediately run to the local community page every time they hear a siren in town.


               With May now I have a few things to look forward to, mostly notably the emotional rollercoaster of playoff hockey and my yearly tradition of disappointing my wife on Mother’s Day.  I also snuck in my first grass-cutting of the year and I think I’ve made it perfectly clear in previous posts and jokes how I feel about yard work, so I’ve got the next few months of dancing my lawnmower around the yard while cursing whatever asshole planted gumball trees in this yard.  Fun.



Friday, April 1, 2022

March 2022 Joke Round-Up

               March is over and I end the month older than when I started it.  I’m only slightly embarrassed to admit that I lost a good chunk of this month to being hungover.  That’s not to see that I spent the month getting drunk, the hangovers apparently just last so much longer these days.  I am going to go ahead and blame those hangovers.  You can see from the jokes that at least my wife and I have begun to prepare for our bodies to be unable to party like they used to.  In addition to questioning my body’s fortitude in the face of food and drink, this month also saw my manhood and my hockey skills being questioned so really it’s just a model of consistency in my well-established deprecating humor.  And now the jokes.



Describing the unhinged section of the American political spectrum using the NFL. Works out surprisingly well.



Had a random guy in a comments section tell me I need to be more manly because I used a reaction gif with a *gasp* woman in it.

Cannot imagine how much therapy it would take to work through that level of insecurity. Yikes.



My daughter and I watch a lot of Food Network shows together. Tonight as I was chopping up carrots, celery, and onion for dinner she walked into the room, saw what I was doing and said, "Ooh, making a mirepoix?"

Uncle Bobby & Uncle Guy have a lot of influence here.



I play hockey on Sundays and occasionally have games at 10:30 pm, which means I don't get to bed until around 1 am. Thankfully, I have a very strict routine for dealing with those late games.

-No caffeine after 2pm on game day

-Eat a nice, healthy dinner about 7ish.

-Low music on the drive home

-Relaxing hot shower

-Lay in bed, pissed off that I can't sleep

-Feel like shit the next day and slam coffee/soda/energy drinks



I will definitely play a few shifts out there but calling what I do "help" is pretty generous terminology.



Ameren came out last night and dug up half of our yard due to an underground gas leak at our house.

And for the first and hopefully last time the phrase "underground gas leak" is not a reference to me farting in the basement.



I will never understand how my wife can fall asleep in the living room for an hour or two, then get up, go to bed and fall right asleep like nothing. If I even close my eyes for 5 minutes on the couch my body decides I should stay up til fucking 2 a.m.



Personally, I think steak is perfect when cooked medium rare. But if you're paying for a steak, then you're welcome to have it cooked however you'd like. You can also drop money on a Bentley to use in a demolition derby if that's how you wanna waste your money.



I like to show my appreciation.



My wife and I have an upcoming 2nd honeymoon planned. In preparation for a whole week without kids at an all-inclusive resort in Mexico, we stopped by the pharmacy to pick up some essentials so we can really let loose and get wild.

We're old.



Recently, country music artist Eric Church canceled an upcoming concert so that he can watch an NCAA basketball game and there are apparently a lot of people who are very upset about this. Personally, I support his decision to cancel the show. I would support his decision to cancel more shows. I am in favor of the cancellation of any and all country music concerts. Nobody should have to listen to that.


                As mentioned in one of those jokes, I do have an upcoming trip to Mexico planned.  I don’t think it’s TMI (because I’m pretty sure I made a joke about it when it happened) but last time my wife and I went I had to go to the doctor for pooping too much when we got back stateside, so fingers crossed that either those meds work out or I am blessed with some really inspired poop jokes next month.