Monday, August 1, 2022

July 2022 Joke Round-Up

               Well, this has been a month of my life.  I started this month on vacation and I’m ending the month in quarantine.  In the days in between those two things, I explored my appreciation for bidets (multiple times) and found out exactly what I did to my knee (hairline fracture to femur, sprain to ACL, tear in meniscus), and had delusions about my ability to both play hockey and be a musical entertainer.  So let’s get to these jokes.
I got back home from vacation yesterday and more than anything else I was really just excited to be back to a bathroom with a bidet. #Pampered
I think the main perk to swimming in a natural body of water instead of a pool is just being able to pee any time you need to.
I finally got an MRI on my knee from that hockey injury back in May and it appears the official diagnosis is that I "fucked it up pretty good."
My wife, thoughtful as ever, got me a stationary bike to help keep my conditioning up while I'm rehabbing my knee and unable to run or play hockey. It's either an extremely sweet gesture or she is not-so-subtly telling me that I'm getting tubby.
It always boggles my mind when someone who claims to have worked in service or retail says things like, "the customer is always right" or "employees should be more respectful." At that point, I'm going to need to see your resume and call your previous employer for verification because one of the great universal truths is that customers represent the general public at their absolute worst.
Every time I see an ad for power-washing with before and after pics I think to myself, "this is also an effective advertisement for bidets."
Incense is the La Croix of the smell world. Everything just smells like you're burning baby powder while looking at a picture of whatever scent it's advertised to be.
A trailer dropped yesterday for a new Dungeons & Dragons movie. And honestly, I am not going to be satisfied with the D&D movie unless we see them completely bungle what should be a simple interrogation with a capture enemy and also spend 45 minutes checking a normal chest for a trap only to sprint into the next room of the dungeon with absolutely no cares, setting off a trap that knocks out one of the party members.
I had a dream the other night that my knee was healed up and I was back to playing hockey. I realized it was a dream because I was actually playing well.
I wonder how long it'll take my wife to notice that I was messing with her bookshelf...

I've got several consecutive days where I am not allowed to go upstairs, cook dinner, do housework, hang out with the family, etc. I'm quarantined in the basement with my Xbox where I cannot possibly be interrupted by anyone or anything else. And all I want to do is sleep. Covid is a cruel mistress.
What it feels like to be quarantined in the basement and have to shout up the stairs asking my wife to toss down anything I need.

Some of my close friends know that I was actually the 6th Backstreet Boy. As such, I was actually supposed to be performing with them in St. Louis tonight, but just count that as 1 more thing that covid took from all of us.
               Thanks to modern medicine and vaccines (from the bottom of my heart, if you’re an antivaxxer please go fuck yourself), my tussle with COVID has been pretty manageable.  I will say that I have now completely readdressed my definition of what it means to be tired, holy shit.  But I’m on the mend from both the virus and the knee injury, so there’s gonna be better days ahead!



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