July may be over, but we’ve still got August and ⅔ of September that are Summer so if you’re out there talking about how “it's spooky season” or you’re ready for fall, I need you to know how terrible you are because fall is ass and so are you. Now, it is almost time for my kids to go back to school and that is both pretty cool because I’ll go back to a quiet house while I work, and also awful and anxiety-inducing because I am not mentally prepared for helping out with schoolwork in the evenings again yet. It’s bullshit, I am 36 years old and I was certain that I would have been finished with homework long, long ago. Here are some jokes.
Me every time my dog gets annoyed with me for snuggling him too much:
It's interesting to me how many people claim they are writing books that, by all appearances, are entirely unqualified to do so. I've seen the shit you post; how are you gonna write a book when you can't form a sentence?
My wife and I are meeting some friends for drinks at a winery tonight. Wineries are not my scene, so I'm struggling to figure out what the appropriate attire would be. Is this okay?
Honestly kind of a shame that the only lasting legacy of the Ottoman Empire are foot stools.
Abby: "Can we go get sno-cones?"
Me: "We have to see if mom and Henry want them too."
Abby: "Not if we keep it a secret."
Dang, my daughter is too much like me because I 100% try to hide all the fast food I eat from the rest of the family.
My wife and I: "Let's get the kids laptops for school next year. And upgrade our wireless router to mesh. We've got the money for a few extra purchases."
One of the things I enjoy about the FB algorithm is when you join a new page or add a friend it is like, "YO! Let me make every post on your feed be from this to catch you up on what's been going on for the last 30 weeks!"
Its kinda fucked up how shitty flour is on its own but gets turned into so many awesome things like bread and pasta and gravy.
I am almost always aware that I'm being weird its just that I'm also usually powerless to stop myself.
I really enjoy Halloween, but I feel like there's a lot of overlap of people who get mad about Christmas stuff popping up in stores in October and people who are already saying "it's spooky season" while we're here in July.
There's still lots of time to float around in a pool with a cold drink.
The inventor of football really just said, "I need a ball, but I need it to be the wrong shape."
If hash browns are an acceptable breakfast food, then there's no reason why you can't have french fries for breakfast.
Me, driving the family minivan:
"Poppin' bottles in the ice, like a blizzard
When we drink, we do it right gettin' slizard
Sippin' sizzurp in my ride (in my ride) like Three 6
Now I'm feelin' so fly like a G6"
It is worth mentioning that this stupid ass refrigerator is randomly deciding to stop cooling and the repairman we had out couldn’t figure it out yet, so my current strategy is just to not leave any leftovers that need to be stored in the fridge. I love to eat.