I am sitting here writing this end of month joke round up dressed as Freddie Mercury. Possibly because it is Halloween and possibly just because that yellow marching band jacket looks cool as fuck and I just want to add a little razzle dazzle to me singing along to my Spotify playlist alone in the basement. Who knows? Looking at this month’s jokes I seemingly have fallen into my comfort zone of just repeatedly talking about eating and pooping. Go with what you know, right? I think that means I need to get out of my house more as I am spending way too much time alone. So, these jokes…
I have a lot of problems with Chicago, ranging from their hockey team to the fact that they made a casserole and called it a pizza. But their idea to put a pickle and celery salt on hot dogs was genius.
I've reached a point in my life where I just chug Pepto straight out of the bottle instead of messing with the medicine cup.
As Halloween approaches I need someone to please explain popcorn balls to me, because I just don't get it.
My wife told me that I am the Roman Reigns of farting because I am not satisfied until everyone has acknowledged the fart.
The main driver of when I decide to turn the heat on in the house is how chilly the toilet seat gets. I can wear sweats and hoodies in the house, but once I can no longer comfortably poop then it's time to crank up the temp.
My son gets awfully concerned about who is eating what in the house for someone who buys 0% of the groceries.
Not content to simply spend my free time dwelling on stupid or cringey things that happened 10+ years ago, I make it a point to continue giving myself new embarrassing memories to haunt me in the decades to come.
Sometimes it's almost alarming how much my daughter is like me. For instance, last night I was in the kitchen hunched over the counter like a goblin, eating leftover fruit salad out of a giant Tupperware container. My daughter sees me and with no hesitation grabs a spoon and digs in as well.
In case you need a visual of the scene.
My daughter loves to bake. My best friend loves to barbecue. And I'm someone that loves to eat who has almost constant access to ribs and brownies.
For Christmas I'm asking for bigger pants.
Gonna pre-game this wedding reception with some shots.
If I had lived when outhouses were the norm, I'd have to either move to a tropical climate or just not poop from October to April.
At a certain point I should get sponsored by Pepto Bismol because I reference them quite a bit. I need to monetize my tummy troubles rather than addressing them, it’s the American way.