Monday, July 1, 2024

June '24 Joke Round-Up

  I usually write these on the last day of each month so that they are ready to post first thing in the morning on the first day of the month.  That did not happen last night because I was still in vacation mode, so now I am scrambling to put words to paper and sum up what I was doing last month and why it resulted in me only writing 8 jokes and also sprinkle in some lame-ass promise to write more jokes and do better in the future when deep down everyone knows that this is simply who I am and I will never get better.  So these jokes…


I'd probably have an easier time falling asleep if I could figure out what to do with my arms.


I went to the doctor to check out some abdominal pains. My wife and I are discussing the results like adults.


I am a trusting person, but one thing I absolutely do not trust is the cooking instructions for frozen pizzas that say "place pizza directly on oven rack."  No thank you, I will use a pizza pan.


Me: "What are you gonna have for lunch?"

My daughter: "Brownies."

Okay, I can get on board with this.


The last few days my son has been at camp and my wife and daughter have been on a girl's trip.  I still closed the door when I used the bathroom because I didn't want the dogs peeking at me.


If golf video games really wanted to be realistic, they'd add a button for me to throw my club in the lake after 6-putting.


I don't know how to make a reasonable amount of French toast.  Every time I make French toast it looks like I'm having anxiety about starting my own paper company.


One of my bigger regrets in life is all the time I wasted not eating butter pecan ice cream because I thought it was "an old person flavor."

If I’m being honest, life is going pretty well and that just makes it hard to be funny because humor just comes more naturally when you’re cracking jokes to distract from life’s misery; we all know it’s true. But on that note, I sure hope I continue to have no trauma-induced inspiration for jokes any time soon.


Saturday, June 1, 2024

May '24 Joke Round-Up

  At the time of writing this, I only just realized that tomorrow is June, so I’m not sure if that means that I thought there was a May 32nd or what was going on, but this whole thing has taken me by surprise.  It’s been a very busy month for me, both personally and professionally.  And I feel like I illustrated that well in my jokes about eating hot wings and talking to my friends about going to the bathroom; I’m clearly at the top of my game at this point of my life.  Are the wings and the bathroom habits related? I’ll leave that for you to decide, Dear Reader.  Here are jokes.


Maybe Earth's nickname being "The Blue Planet" isn't because of the water but because we're all fucking depressed.


Is someone really your friend if you can't freely talk to them about bathroom habits?


If I won the lottery I wouldn't tell anybody, but there would be signs.


Lots of phone and internet services down in town today.  Live look at how I'm handling it.


If it's not already a thing, they need to put an ice cream shop & soda fountain in Disney World and call it Malt Disney.


The more I think about it, the sport of figure skating had somebody take out their competition with a metal pipe to the knee, so maybe professional wrestling isn't actually that far-fetched.


I had a good day at work with a lot of really nice things said about me.

But what I'm actually most proud of today is that I made it through an entire movie without having to take a bathroom break.


Idk, I felt like I needed to make this.


I guess this is what I'm doing today.


Not gonna lie, I'm kinda peeved that this news about the Trump verdict is preempting Jeopardy.  I was so ready to get my trivia on.

June is going to be great as we officially start the best part of the year: Summer.  And I will be happily sitting my ass in some water with a cold beverage.  I’m about to be in my Shirtless Era.


Wednesday, May 1, 2024

April '24 Joke Round-Up

  Well shit, April is over and I’m still a damn fool.  It’s been a busy month for me; stepping into a new role at work, new season starting for my hockey league, an absolute shitshow trying to moderate my town’s FB community page, and finding games/music/tv shows to help drown on the ever-present drum beat of time marching ominously forward.  Oh, and getting very little sleep because apparently that’s just my thing.  How about these jokes, though?


Back in January it was announced that my town's trash service would be undergoing some changes.  People were mad.  Those changes finally took effect this week.  People are still really mad.  But I will always look for an opportunity to make light of a situation and my local FB community page has been a big source of inspiration for me as there has been an endless stream of posts about the trash company over the past few months.


Not gonna lie, I took some Immodium earlier just to make sure that wouldn't be on the list of reasons why I may potentially miss the eclipse. Control the things you can.


I have decided that the reason I can't sleep at night is because the Sleep Fairy only grants a finite amount of sleep to each household and my wife keeps stealing my hours.


Nobody ever taught me how to Dougie.


"It's okay, today is Cheat Day." - Me every single day as I have cookies and ice cream for a meal.


"Please, call me Willy. My father was Mr. Nilly."


Woke up at 3am to water streaming into my basement.  And now I'm trying to remember why I wanted to own a home so badly. I don't wanna be responsible for all this shit.

Fun thing about those images I made early in the month, apparently that pissed off some people so much that there was a whole new discussion about how much I suck in one of the 4 or 5 “I Hate Ryan Rick” clubs that have sprung up on Facebook.  And honestly, the fact that those groups/threads exist on the internet would probably bother me if the people who were actively involved in them weren’t complete shitbags.  It is okay to be hated if the people that hate you are garbage, remember that.


Monday, April 1, 2024

March '24 Joke Round-Up

  Wow, I started off this month so strongly.  Then I completely shit the bed and took weeks off at a time from writing jokes.  It’s almost like I’m not even good at this and I’m just wasting everyone’s time!  Truth be told, I suspect I’m only wasting my own time because there is absolutely no way anyone even reads these things at this point.  Is this just me keeping a diary at this point?  Find out next time on “Ryan gets unnecessarily introspective.”  These are some jokes I wrote.


My submission for Father of the Year: My son was just talking to me about his new Kirby game and I missed everything he said because I was thinking about pizza.


I didn't want my wife to think I'd been in the bathroom for over an hour.


I like that when you hit your 30s your body just forgets how to do things that it had been properly doing for years.

"Yo! I usually grow hair on the shoulders right? No? Oh well it's there now, enjoy.  Also, kinda forgot what I'm doing with those eyebrows, but you can fix that, right? Cool.  One last thing, I don't really remember how to deal with alcohol anymore, so you're just gonna have to feel like shit for 2 days. Prepare accordingly."


So, apparently this has nothing to do with Cody Rhodes.


I have a blanket with our family photo on it.  This is how my wife folded that blanket.


My wife and my dog are both sick today. Same strategy for both: hide their medicine in a piece of cheese.


Having to put our sick dog in diapers feels like karma for all the times I've mentioned that I never had to worry about diapers with my kids because I didn't meet my wife until well after the kids were out of that stage.


The Red Cross is opening a Donor Rewards store where you can earn points for blood donations and redeem them for things like tumblers or gift cards.  I think it is a super nice gesture, but it also kinda feels like I'm selling my blood for swag now.


I have filled 2 trash cans full of gumballs and it doesn't look like I've done any yard work at all.  I need to know the statistics on how many people became atheists after having sweet gum trees in their yard and saying to themselves, "Clearly, this is not the creation of a being that loves me and wants me to be happy."

Re-reading this last one about gumballs just got me all pissed off again.  I hate these fucking trees so much.  After dealing with these trees for like 6 years now, my new answer to the question of “what’s the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?” is to cut down these fucking trees.  I don’t even care about buying a nicer house or anything, I could be moving out and my last act of vengeance would be to cut down these trees and curse the name of the person who thought they were a good idea.  Bastards.


Friday, March 1, 2024

February '24 Joke Round-Up

 February is arguably the worst month.  This year, we got a bonus day of February, which is essentially winning a kick in the dick.  Thankfully it is over now and we are inching ever closer to warmer weather, longer days, and me not being a miserable bastard (or maybe I’ll just be a different kind of miserable bastard in warm, sunny weather).  I keep thinking to myself “surely I have more to say here” but I have been absentmindedly staring at this screen for 2 hours now, so I think it’s time to just call this good and move on to the jokes.


Pharmaceutical commercial voiceovers: "You may develop a rare but deadly bacterial infection in your taint."

The people in the commercials:


My wife has learned to just never ask what I'm thinking about.


I haven't seen any videos of those dudes building swimming pools and houses in the jungle lately. I hope they're okay.


I really need a new bedtime routine.  This laying awake and thinking about every mistake I've ever made just isn't cutting it.


Went to make some coffee from a variety pack my wife got and I found my new nickname.


According to my latest health screening, my triglycerides are alarmingly high.


Sometimes if I'm feeling a little down, I'll eat foods that I know will make me gassy so I can laugh about farts and feel better.


Things like modern medicine, irrigation, airplanes, and the internet are all pretty cool, but cheese powder (Cheetos, Doritos) still might be my favorite thing humans have ever invented.


Have you ever noticed that we all use the exact same stupid voice when we're telling a story and quoting a person we don't like?


If I ever reach out to you and say "I would really like a sweet potato" just know that's code-speak for "I'm in danger, send help."  Fuck sweet potatoes.

What a great way to close out that month: find out that I’m unhealthy and then make absolutely no changes to my dietary choices to amend this problem.  Fair play.


Thursday, February 1, 2024

January '24 Joke Round-Up

  We are a month into 2024.  Of that month, there’s been like 3 days worth of sunlight. It has been fucking awful and I hate it.  Also, it’s been miserably cold for most of that.  And when it wasn’t miserably cold, it was still regular cold.  Everything about this time of year is the absolute worst and if you like it then you are wrong and awful too.  I said it and I stand firm in that belief, no take-backsies.  On the bright side, I am finally able to consistently remember what day of the week it is after the absolute anarchy that is the holiday season, so that’s something.  Obviously, my very first post from the new year had some strong feelings coming through about this season.  


The struggle I have with this time of year is that, pretty much starting with Thanksgiving, everything gets ridiculous for like a month and a half.  There's tons of days off work, people are off using up the last of their PTO before it expires, there's random parties all the time, cookies become a dietary staple, day drinking and general fuckery are the norm.  Then we get to New Year's and it's like "Hope you enjoyed the last 6 weeks of being a degenerate, you gotta have your life together tomorrow.  Also, it's the shittiest weather of the year so have fun, asshole."


We sat down to watch a movie as a family last night.  I pointed out several movies, all of which someone else had some sort of objection to watching.  After 20 minutes of bargaining, the family finally came to a consensus.  30 minutes into the movie my wife and son were both asleep and my daughter had left to go do something else in her room. Next time, I'm just gonna watch Big Trouble in Little China by myself.


Things I have recently found out my wife does not enjoy: me rubbing my butt on her while making kissy noises.

Things I have recently found out that I really enjoy: rubbing my butt on my wife while making kissy noises.


Just a normal conversation with my daughter.


Duolingo once again trying to teach me phrases it knows I will use.


If there's one thing I know to be true in life, it's that people who don't have 5 fucking sweet gum trees in their yard love to tell you that you shouldn't clean up your yard waste in the fall and that it's better to just leave it on the ground until spring.


I think one of the underrated perks of having an electric vehicle would be the ability to tell other people "It's electric. Boogie woogie woogie."


It's only karaoke if it comes from the Karaoke region of Japan. Otherwise it's just sparkling singalongs.


Aside from the love and companionship of an adorably fuzzy and snuggleable creature, my favorite thing about having dogs is that I pretty much never have to worry about cleaning up food that I spill on the floor.

So I clearly started off the year a little slow in that first 2 weeks.  It kinda feels like every month I am lamenting my lack of creativity in the writing process, so this is probably just how I am now.


Monday, January 1, 2024

December '23 Joke Round-Up

  At the time of me writing this, it’s a little before noon on New Year’s Eve.  Of course I’m not posting it until tomorrow morning, but I don’t want to feel like I am required to get anything done while I am celebrating the new year (sitting in my basement with friends) or potentially nursing a hangover.  I am wise in my years now and I am planning ahead.  The obvious risk I am taking is that if I come up with any super hilarious jokes this afternoon, I’ll have to hold on to them until tomorrow at the earliest and hope none of them were time sensitive, as I’m closing the books on my joke-writing for 2023.  So here is the last bath for this year.


One of the best things anyone in my family says to me is, "I'm full, do you want to finish this?"


It's an advertising miracle that Taco Bell commercials can look so enticing for something that is going to give me heartburn and diarrhea.


I've only been in this store long enough to hear 3 Christmas songs and I'm ready to burn the whole place down.  My sympathies to the poor souls who have to hear this shit all day.


Look at me. I'm the Tribal Chief now.  #AcknowledgeMe


I found a Thneed


My wife does not understand why I like the game PowerWash Simulator so much and to be honest, neither do I.


My wife just said the sexiest thing I've ever heard: "I want you to finish PowerWash Simulator so you can buy the new Mario game and I can watch you play it."


We are officially deep in the throes of the holiday season now; the time when people talk a big game about holiday spirit, being grateful, and “do unto others" while simultaneously acting like complete shit heads to everyone around them, ESPECIALLY if the people around them are retail or service workers.  So, in the spirit of all that is good and right in the world this holiday season, if you see someone being rude to a person who is just doing their job, please take it upon yourself to interject and let them know exactly how many bags of dicks they can eat.


Personally, I am Team "Not Satisfied With The Temperature Of My Shower Unless There Is A Risk Of Having To Visit The Burn Ward Afterwards."


I am deeply amused by pharmaceutical commercials that have people saying things like, "I have moderate to severe diarrhea" just in casual conversation with their friends and family.


The fire in the fireplace wasn't quite enough, so I put one on the TV to make things extra cozy.


From now on, consider all my flavors ENHANCED.


Instead of a gingerbread cookie house held together with icing, I want a tortilla chip house held together with queso.

Nachos. I just want a plate of nachos.


My wife is upset with me this Christmas Eve because I called her the c word. She did not appreciate being referred to as a cotton-headed-ninny-muggins.


Kind of ridiculous that on my days off I can look at the clock and realize that I've lost the last 4 hours of my life but that same thing never happens on work days.


A Marie Callender chicken pot pie takes 10 minutes to cook in the microwave or 65 minutes to cook in the oven.  It probably is better when cooked in the oven, but I'll never find out because I'm not waiting that long to eat.

What will the new year bring?  I can tell you with absolute sincerity that it will be a whole lot more of the same stupid bullshit I’ve written jokes about this past year and all the years before that: lots of potty humor and poor eating habits.  Joy!