September '24 Joke Round-Up

  I don’t even know how to intro.  Let’s just fucking go.  I started off September pretty promising on the writing-front.  Leveled off slightly in the middle, and then completely shit the bed at the end.  But I did sneak in a whole new original piece of writing that isn’t just a lazy copy-paste job of jokes that I wrote coupled with a diary entry.  Those ice cream sandwiches are fucking good.  I was INSPIRED. By food.  I love food and that definitely shows in the things that I write.  Food and farts, that’s how I can be summed up as a person.  So these jokes, though.

9/4

Hot sauce does a great job of warming your insides, so it's basically like a substitute for being loved.

9/5

If I'm being honest, one of my life goals is to be the type of person that, when I'm not in a room and my name comes up, people have positive things to say about me.

But I'm still struggling to have positive things said about me while I'm in the room, so I may not be realistic with my goal-setting.

9/5

I think the really cool thing about not being able to sleep at night is that I get to make sure I feel like complete ass for my workday while also not having anything enjoyable to do right now to make feeling like ass even be worth it.

9/5

Historically, sleep has been the only surefire way to keep myself from snacking so insomnia is terrible for my diet plan.

9/6

There's a strange sound funnel in my neighborhood near my house where I can very clearly hear people talking across the street from my master bathroom, almost as if they were standing in the bathroom with me.   I really hope this sound funnel does not work both ways…

9/6

Pure excitement. Every time.

9/10

I have a healthy relationship but an unhealthy diet.

9/11

I stuck my head out the door for a second to bring the dogs in and one of my neighbors saw me and called me over to chat for a bit about some workers needing to cut through my yard to get to his. What shirt was I wearing? #NoRegrets

9/13

I don't have any tattoos, they aren't really my thing.  But on the off chance I ever got one, it'd have to be something that's really important to me…

9/18

About 2 weeks ago I posted this letter that I sent to FatBoy Ice Cream raving about how much my wife and I enjoy their product. They sent me back a letter and a voucher for a free item.

This officially makes this the most (and only) profitable piece of comedy that I've ever written.

https://www.lastplacetrophies.com/2024/09/fatboy-caramel-cashew-cookie-sandwich.html

9/19

I don't know if I actually like eating beans or if I've just convinced myself that I like eating them because I like farting.

9/19

I use the phrase "see how the sausage is made" an awful lot for a guy who has never made sausage.

9/25

I'm really glad my underwear comes in a resealable bag for maximum freshness.

9/29

It's a little sad that I'm playing a game called "Golf With Your Friends" by myself.

And now I will close this out by complaining about the fact that it is officially fall and that is ass.  

-Ryan

Fatboy Caramel Cashew Cookie Sandwich Improved My Marriage

 

This is what heaven looks like

Dear Fatboy,

I may be exaggerating a bit with my title, but it’s pretty darn close.  I stumbled across the Caramel Cashew Cookie sandwich at my local grocery store.  I like ice cream. To say that my wife loves ice cream is an understatement.  This woman would live solely on ice cream if it was culturally and medically acceptable.  I know that, whether she admits it or not, the only reason that she married me is because she couldn’t legally marry ice cream.  Needless to say, I keep an eye on the freezer section at the store because I like surprising her with fun, new ice cream treats.  Your product stood out as an exceedingly unique creation.  I’d seen ice cream and cookie sandwiches aplenty before, but the shortbread cookie caught my eye immediately.  Then I read the text on the box; caramel cashew.  I was already on board just for the shortbread cookie, but THAT choice for ice cream flavor? I almost punched through the glass freezer door just to get at the box faster.  

I walked into the house more excited to show my wife this new ice cream treat than a 6 year old kid is to show his parents the frog he just caught in the backyard.  That box was opened before any other groceries were put away and we set course for FlavorTownTM. They say you should never meet your heroes.  Well this f@&king lived up to every single bit of the hype and then some. Good golly.  And as much as I enjoyed it, let me tell you about my wife.  I think the flavorbomb that she was treated to in that moment…well, let me just say that I have seen my wife’s eyes roll back in her head before, but I think your sandwich may have made them do a full 360.  I think we’ve all had someone bring in a so-called Better-Than-Sex Cake to the office holiday party and we’re left thinking, “Okay Sharon I’ve had your cake and, quite frankly, I have to wonder if your needs are being met.” This is a legitimate instance where you could have named this The Better-Than-Sex Cookie Sandwich and could have gotten away with it.  I would not have pushed back against that naming convention at all.

The phrase “never as good as the first time” exists for a reason.  It naturally happens sometimes that subsequent encounters with things in our lives fail to live up to the warm, fuzzy feelings towards that first experience.  Once again, your cookie sandwich defies all odds and absolutely is every bit as good the second, third, fifth, twelfth, and sixtieth time as it was the first time.  THIS SANDWICH DOES NOT MISS.  It is so consistently good that we have little “date-nights” in our living room on Friday nights just spending time together eating one of those cookie sandwiches and talking about how much we are enjoying the sandwiches.  You read that correctly, we talk to each other about how much we are enjoying the sandwiches as we are eating them.  It’s like we are competing to win a chance guest-hosting on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives (that is my second Guy Fieri reference) based solely on our ability to describe how good the food we are eating is. I absolutely love this time we are spending together eating your cookie sandwiches.  These little ice cream mini-dates are an absolute highlight of both of our weeks.  And that is where the title comes in; your caramel cashew cookie sandwich improved my marriage.  These things are phenomenal and whatever absolute genius devised this work of art deserves to have a statue built of them for their contributions to mankind. Absolute legend. Great job.  We love it.

Thanks!

Ryan

August '24 Joke Round-Up

  I frontloaded August with jokes and then completely phoned in the 2nd half of the month.  That’s what’s going on here.  It’s been a bit interesting since I’ve started doing these roundups seeing the ebb and flow of the joke-writing; seems like I work in spurts of a few good days in a row and then radio silence until there’s another spurt.  I actually haven’t done any sort of analysis on that claim and don’t know if there’s any statistical significance to it.  But I’ve already typed that sentence and I’m not turning back now. So let’s look at these jokes.

8/1

How I stay motivated every day.

8/2

Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea

8/3

The fact that there's nobody else sitting near them makes this group of 4 look like they are the panel of judges for the concert.

8/10

Not trying to shit on the competitors because they are clearly very talented, but the general setup of Olympic breakdancing is so strange to me.  Everyone seems to go by their dancer nickname on the leaderboards and are announced as "B-boy/B-girl *nickname*".

I'm trying to imagine what this would be like in other sports.  Like you are watching swimming and the commentary team calls out "In lane 1 we have Swimmer Merman and in lane 2 we have Swimmer Flipper."  Or you flip over to a track event and the rankings show Thunderfeet and Speedy Jim.

8/10

I don't even understand why I like spicy foods. I'm sitting here pouring sweat, nose dripping, mouth on fire and hopelessly chugging a cold beverage for relief and my brain is saying, "This is fucking great, let's do this more."

8/15

Security Guy: "Sir, I need you to empty your pockets please."

Me: *dumping chicken nuggets out of my cargo shorts* "Sorry."

8/20

At any major event with a public restroom, there's always that 1 fucking guy in the crowded bathroom that loudly says, "So this is where all the dicks hang out."  And then like 3 other dudes give polite, half-hearted chuckles that only serve to encourage the first guy to keeping saying that dumb ass line at every opportunity because "it makes people laugh."

8/22

If I had to sum up the messaging from the DNC this week.

8/26

Yesterday I hung out at a friend's place for a bit as he was having people over for a wrestling pay-per view.  Naturally the topic of bidets came up and after getting on my soapbox about it a man that I had never met before got online and purchased a bidet on the spot.  Another convert! #BidetLife

I’m just gonna finish this post by saying that I love the shit out of my wife; she is awesome.  That’ll be a nice little easter egg.

-Ryan

July '24 Joke Round-Up

  How in the actual fuck is it August? Does the fact that I’m sitting here openly complaining about how time flies mean that I’ve fully jumped the shark and become an old?  Is a third sentence relating to this same topic an indication that I am becoming alarmingly introspective? Moving on. Did everybody else already know how good homegrown tomatoes are? Holy shit, that is actually a worse topic than my first one. Looks like what we are doing is just opening up the monthly blog post with ridiculous stream of consciousness.  Yikes, let’s move on from that too.  July was a pretty sweet month. My adamant belief that summer is the best part of the year is well documented on the pages of this blog.  Oh my god, am I just now realizing that this is a journal?  Fuck, let’s look at some jokes.

7/2

Me when I say things like "skibidi", "rizz", and "bussin'" around my kids.

7/3

Has air freshener ever truly worked?  In my experience it just ends up smelling like fresh laundry with a turd in it.  Or a summer meadow with a turd in it.  Or a lemon grove with a turd in it.  Or an apple pie with a turd in it.

7/4

My intent was to only buy fireworks whose names could also be used to describe myself.

7/5

Every year I see people say things like, "Last year's fireworks were better" or "I like the fireworks at (other town) more."

I literally could not tell you the difference between any fireworks I've seen.  If I watched a fireworks display last night and you showed me a video of a different fireworks show today but told me it was the one I watched last night, I would have no reason not to believe you and no way to dispute you.  I see some shit blow up with pretty colors and it's neat.  I am not out here critiquing things like, "Well, it was nice but I thought that magenta burst last year was more vibrant."

7/7

We had a police chase run through our yard last night. About 11pm I'm just chilling in my living room and I hear someone shout "STOP RIGHT NOW, STOP RUNNING" and bodies just start flying over my fence; a teenager followed by 2 cops. The real question I have in all of this is why the fuck did anyone jump our fence?  We are like the only fenced yard in our neighborhood.   If they went 3 feet to their right it was just straight open yard, no fences.  Who runs straight towards this and decides to hop the fence?

7/9

Every time I go upstairs to the kitchen one of the kids asks me "Why are you eating again? Shouldn't you be working?" I'm ready for them to go back to school; this is a toxic work environment.

7/11

7/12

Confession: there is a guy in my town that doesn't believe I'm a real person; he thinks my name is made up and that my FB account, despite like 20 years of pictures and activity, is a fake account for one of our town's publicly listed city council members.  I happen to know where he lives and that he has a lot of security cameras, so I make it a point to occasionally go past his house while I'm on walks so that I show up on his cameras like Bigfoot.

7/16

Country music covers are a great way to make songs less enjoyable.

7/18

My daughter's Top 5 phrases:

"I'm hungry."

"I'm bored."

"Hurry up!"

"I gotta poop."

"Do you know The Muffin Man?"

7/23

It's kinda cool that you can apparently just completely deny reality these days by shouting "FAKE NEWS" at any information you dislike.

Definitely going to use this strategy when my doctor tells me I need to eat healthier because my cholesterol is dangerously high.

7/26

7/28

Me: "Con Air is one of the greatest movies ever made.  It's right up there with Citizen Kane and 2 Fast 2 Furious."

Wife: "I've never seen Citizen Kane."

Me: "But you've seen 2 Fast 2 Furious."

Wife: "Yeah."

Me: "Citizen Kane is almost that good."

7/28

One of the things I enjoy about parenting 2 (soon-to-be) teenagers is how they can make any situation unnecessarily difficult with their stubbornness and attitude.

This morning, as I'm making myself a bowl of cereal, one of my lovely children walked into the pantry and, clearly unable to find what they were looking for, erupted into a series of groans, sighs, and stomps.  I asked "What's wrong? What are you looking for?" and the response was a very unconvincing "NOTHING!" as they stormed back to their room.

And what, Dear Reader, did I come to learn they were looking for and angry about being unable to find?  The box of cereal that I was holding in my hand.

These teenage years are going to be fun.

7/30

It's so crazy to watch gymnasts land all these crazy flips and shit when I routinely roll my ankle just walking.

7/31

Katie Ledecky has swam 700 meters in 7 minutes and I would be out of breath just cheering for this for 7 minutes.

In other news, check out CandyThoughts.

-Ryan

June '24 Joke Round-Up

  I usually write these on the last day of each month so that they are ready to post first thing in the morning on the first day of the month.  That did not happen last night because I was still in vacation mode, so now I am scrambling to put words to paper and sum up what I was doing last month and why it resulted in me only writing 8 jokes and also sprinkle in some lame-ass promise to write more jokes and do better in the future when deep down everyone knows that this is simply who I am and I will never get better.  So these jokes…

6/7

I'd probably have an easier time falling asleep if I could figure out what to do with my arms.

6/10

I went to the doctor to check out some abdominal pains. My wife and I are discussing the results like adults.

6/11

I am a trusting person, but one thing I absolutely do not trust is the cooking instructions for frozen pizzas that say "place pizza directly on oven rack."  No thank you, I will use a pizza pan.

6/17

Me: "What are you gonna have for lunch?"

My daughter: "Brownies."

Okay, I can get on board with this.

6/22

The last few days my son has been at camp and my wife and daughter have been on a girl's trip.  I still closed the door when I used the bathroom because I didn't want the dogs peeking at me.

6/23

If golf video games really wanted to be realistic, they'd add a button for me to throw my club in the lake after 6-putting.

6/24

I don't know how to make a reasonable amount of French toast.  Every time I make French toast it looks like I'm having anxiety about starting my own paper company.

6/25

One of my bigger regrets in life is all the time I wasted not eating butter pecan ice cream because I thought it was "an old person flavor."

If I’m being honest, life is going pretty well and that just makes it hard to be funny because humor just comes more naturally when you’re cracking jokes to distract from life’s misery; we all know it’s true. But on that note, I sure hope I continue to have no trauma-induced inspiration for jokes any time soon.

-Ryan

May '24 Joke Round-Up

  At the time of writing this, I only just realized that tomorrow is June, so I’m not sure if that means that I thought there was a May 32nd or what was going on, but this whole thing has taken me by surprise.  It’s been a very busy month for me, both personally and professionally.  And I feel like I illustrated that well in my jokes about eating hot wings and talking to my friends about going to the bathroom; I’m clearly at the top of my game at this point of my life.  Are the wings and the bathroom habits related? I’ll leave that for you to decide, Dear Reader.  Here are jokes.

5/2

Maybe Earth's nickname being "The Blue Planet" isn't because of the water but because we're all fucking depressed.

5/3

Is someone really your friend if you can't freely talk to them about bathroom habits?

5/7

If I won the lottery I wouldn't tell anybody, but there would be signs.

5/8

Lots of phone and internet services down in town today.  Live look at how I'm handling it.

5/18

If it's not already a thing, they need to put an ice cream shop & soda fountain in Disney World and call it Malt Disney.

5/20

The more I think about it, the sport of figure skating had somebody take out their competition with a metal pipe to the knee, so maybe professional wrestling isn't actually that far-fetched.

5/23

I had a good day at work with a lot of really nice things said about me.

But what I'm actually most proud of today is that I made it through an entire movie without having to take a bathroom break.

5/27

Idk, I felt like I needed to make this.

5/27

I guess this is what I'm doing today.

5/30

Not gonna lie, I'm kinda peeved that this news about the Trump verdict is preempting Jeopardy.  I was so ready to get my trivia on.

June is going to be great as we officially start the best part of the year: Summer.  And I will be happily sitting my ass in some water with a cold beverage.  I’m about to be in my Shirtless Era.

-Ryan