Wednesday, December 1, 2021

November '21 Joke Round-Up

               November was all about nostalgia.  I have a joke about a song from 2004, a movie from 1999, another movie from 1985, and video games ranging from 1991 to 2002.  Apparently I am trying hard to forget that I am aging not-so-gracefully and delving into the past HARD.  But you know what, fuck it! It’s getting colder and shittier outside and I’ve got 5 trees worth of leaves and gumballs that I still need to clean up from my yard and there’s not enough damn sunlight to do it, so I will keep myself sane and happy by endlessly driving around Vice City in a Deluxo listening to Wave 103 (and kudos to you if you understood all of that).  Here are some old jokes.



Gonna kick Dr. Robotnik's ass.



Today's school cafeteria lunch is chicken nuggets so my daughter has prepped for it by packing her own barbecue sauce in her backpack.

It's really nice to see the impact I'm having on my children's lives.



Gonna treat myself to a little nightcap.


It's been a full month now since I completed the legal adoption of my kids. After talking it over with my wife, we agreed that I should refer to that as their "Gotcha Day."



I'm with my son and one of his friends at my alma mater for a STEM Day event with scouts. I walked them over to the student center for lunch and upon entering the building and seeing the layout and the signs listing the amenities my son turns to his friend wide-eyed and whispered, "Oh my god, college has everything!"



I don't even know how to play an ocarina.


Bonus pic from my last work meeting background because the sunlight coming into the room made it look like I was warping into the temple.



There's a reason why I've got that "Group Expert" designation for this hockey group.



The song "Tipsy" by J-Kwon came out in 2004. Last night I was shocked to learn that the version of the song that I've known for the last 17 years was actually the radio edit.



I took my dog to the groomers yesterday. I think he's a little peeved at me for getting him a haircut when it's getting colder out because last night when I let him outside he turned to look at me and then immediately took a dump in the middle of our patio.



This picture taken shortly before I fell off the edge of the track for the 18th time.


The 2 most recent snaps I sent to my wife. Barclay and I clean up nicely.


My son is supposed to bring in a family favorite recipe to school, so I'm helping him with that. But I told him he needs to write 7 or 8 paragraphs about random shit for his teacher to read before she gets to the recipe itself.



Just enjoying my time in Vice City.


Found this online yesterday. I swear to god, if I see what looks to be some delicious wings and end up eating soap, everybody is gonna catch hands. This is just deceitful.


I really should do more to make use of my status as an ordained minister. Might just show up to some random churches, step up to the pulpit and say a few words.



This past weekend I finally watched The Matrix for the first time, a mere 22 years after its initial release. So, just in case anyone was wondering what my backlog of movies/tv shows to watch is like, there you go.


                At this point I’m just trying to make it through the end of this year so that as soon as January rolls around I can start making a bunch of terrible jokes about dropping deuces.



Monday, November 1, 2021

October 2021 Joke Round-Up

                Oof, this was not a good month for me from a joke standpoint (at least quantity-wise, presumably they’re all pretty rough months quality-wise).  Aside from my poor effort at joke-writing, October was a damn decent month: hockey season started, I got a new nephew, I officially adopted my kids (which I haven’t written a joke about…yet).  And then there’s the fun things I did get to write jokes about, like using the word girth and uncomfortable amount with my wife and also escaping responsibility for my farts by blaming my COVID booster.  Neat.



Someone on one of my work calls today told me that I had a good voice for radio. I told them that I normally only hear that about my face.



*Seeing my wife looking at pictures of hair on her phone*

Me: "Whatcha doing?"

Wife: "Looking at hairstyles. I like the length I have but am thinking of changing the"

Me: "Girth?"

Wife: "No. Anyways, I'm kind of thinking of some layering that will keep the length but not the..."

Me: "Girth?"




Abigail: "I'm the smartest. I can answer any question."

Me: "Really? Who wrote the Pythagorean Theroem?"

Henry: "Tom Brady."

I don't even watch football so I have no idea where this kid comes up with this shit.



Watching The Price Is Right with the family. My wife enjoys when one contestant bids close enough to win both prize packages in the showcase showdown. I enjoy it when they both overbid and nobody wins a prize. This really does a great job of summarizing our personalities.



Hanging out in the Mushroom Kingdom.


I got eaten by a fish while looking for a princess.


I am proud to say that my kids like my cooking (no small feat!) but sometimes I think they overestimate my proficiency in the kitchen.

Abby: "Do you think you could be on Guy's Grocery Games?"

Me: "I could absolutely be on the show. I'd go down as the worst contestant in the history of the show, but I could at least be in attendance."



Just a normal family conversation in my house.

Me: "I have a really bad headache."

Wife: "Make it stop."

Me: "I know how to stop it." *covers face with pillow*

Daughter: "How does covering your face with a pillow help?"

Wife: "He's trying to suffocate himself."

Daughter: "Wow. Good job."



My wife and I got our COVID booster shots yesterday, so for at least the next few days I'm going to blame every dumb or annoying thing I do on the vaccine. For example, last night I told her that me farting in bed was a side effect of the shot.



Somewhere in an internet comments section right now, one of the dumbest people you know is typing "Let's go Brandon" and thinking they're clever for it.



Friendly reminder to check your kids Halloween candy tonight. Not because there might be drugs in there (nobody is giving away their edibles to kids for funsies) but because there might be some garbage like black licorice in there that nobody should be subjected to.


                That joke making fun of people commenting “let’s go Brandon” really got one rando big mad in my comments section, so that was fun, too.  We’re getting close to the holidays now so I’m looking forward to all the terrible dietary choices that entails.  Perhaps my belly will get so big that my arms won’t reach the keyboard.  I’m tired already just thinking about it.



Friday, October 1, 2021

September 2021 Joke Round Up

                At a certain point, I feel like my round ups are just inundated with me being a liability at work with silly backgrounds.  There’s also quite a bit of my questionable parenting skills and we top it off with a dash of me being tired of the internet’s bullshit.  That’s it.  That’s my intro this month. Let’s go to the jokes.



I seem to have misplaced my Six Demon Bag.


On weekends, I usually watch Diners, Drive-Ins, & Dives until I fall asleep at night. It's like Guy Fieri is reading me tasty bedtime stories.



I've always thought that I'm a pretty good dad based on how I have taken care of Henry and Abby for the last 5 years. But this past weekend my wife and I babysat our 2 year old and 2 month old nephews and I realized that my skills are sorely lacking for those age brackets. Figured I needed to update the mug my daughter gave me to reflect this...



My kids and often I call each other some very mature terms of endearment around the house, such as poopy-pants, fart face, stink butt, etc.

Yesterday I picked them up from school and as my daughter was walking out of the building I said "Hi goober" and without thinking she immediately responded "Hi butthead!" I thought the latchkey lady was going to faint.



Goonies never say die.



Gonna find me a city of gold.



Let's NOT split up, gang.



While camping last night I reheated some of the kids leftover McNuggets over the fire. #Genius



The kids and I went for a little hike in the woods and brought a trash bag to pick up litter along the way. One of the items we found was a Budweiser Zero can and I had to explain to the kids that only a real weirdo would hide in the woods to drink non-alcoholic beer.



It was announced today that either a proof of vaccination or negative COVID test would be required to attend Blues hockey games. As I've come to expect for the absolute dumpster-fire that is the NHL fanbase, there were a lot of people showing their asses with their degrees they obtained from YouTube videos.



After the response to the required vaccination/negative COVID test announcement yesterday, the Blues organization has followed up with this exciting announcement. Pretty cool that we'll see this at the corner of 14th & Clark very soon.



Someone tell my why my wife's preferred sleeping position is "Michael Jordan Jumpman Logo."



Gonna sweep the leg.



Just hanging out in detention.



I do enjoy the subtle middle finger I get from Food Network when something I eat regularly is supposed to be the shitty "gotcha" basket ingredient on Chopped.



We are swiftly approaching the time of year when I bring a space heater into the bathroom because I refuse to poo in anything less than a tropical climate.



Yesterday the St. Louis Blues announced that they would have a press conference later in the day for a major announcement, which led to a lot of speculation from fans. I did my best to help answer everyone's questions about what the announcement could be.


                It’s officially fall now, so that sucks.  But it’s hockey season, so that is great.  And I’m really in the mood for some stress-eating.  So expect next month to kick off with a rollercoaster of emotions and poor dietary choices.



Wednesday, September 1, 2021

August 2021 Joke Round-Up


Wow, sometimes when I’m putting these posts together I really am surprised to see things from the beginning month actually happened within the same month; they seem so long ago.  For instance, my kids have only been back to school for 2 weeks, but I was completely shocked to see that just within this past month I was still doing their summer workbooks (because I’m a mean dad like that).  I did follow up on annoying my wife with Cotton Eye Joe as well. But my big outing this month was my attendance at the school board meeting, which spawned a lot of jokes and I think proves that most of my humor is observation-based (and possibly mean-spirited/condescending, but honestly those people deserved it).  The rest of what I did this month was just changing my background at work because that is reliable joke-filler when I’m feeling uninspired.  Enjoy! 



First day back at work after a week of vacation. 




My wife and I are doing some yard work. I told her I'd turn on some music for us to work to. First song I played. She is not amused. 




Got my desk cleaned off from yesterday. 




This is fine. 




If the anti-mask/vax crowd was on the Oregon trail, their entire party would have died of dysentery after they purposely shat upstream from their camp just because they were asked not to. 



How is your day going? This is just me making questionable dietary choices. 




The kids had to write multi-step word problems in their summer workbooks yesterday. Here was Henry's:  

On Thursday Abby ate 32 farts.  

On Friday Abby ate 46 farts.  

Each fart is 5 calories.  

How many calories did Abby eat?  

Abby was not amused. 



Facebook keeps showing me ads for vegan food products. This is presumably because their algorithm thinks I need to get less enjoyment out of my life. 



Why is there a group of anti-maskers at this school board meeting all wearing matching t-shirts like they're a tour group at Disney World? Weirdos. 



This anti-mask lady is trying to make her young child speak at the school board meeting. Okay lady, he also asked to eat skittles for dinner so I really am not taking your child's opinions on health seriously. 



This anti-mask guy said "this is a hill worth dying on." Bro, that's a dumb choice of words when your stance is to not take precautions against something that will literally make you die. 



Prior to last night's school board meeting it was announced that all speakers addressing the board would be limited to 2 minutes. I had finished my statement and was thanking the board for their time when the alarm went off indicating that my time was up. Of the nearly 30 individuals who spoke, I was the only one who did not go over time and get cut off.  

This is no surprise, though. I have plenty of experience making the most of 2 minutes. 


I'm in the distant future/recent past of the year 2015. Boy did we fuck things up. No flying cars, "hoverboards" are nothing like what was promised, and an unsettlingly large portion of the population is enamored with Biff. 




My wife and I work really well as a team because our strengths complement each other. For instance, one of her strengths is worrying and one of my strengths is giving her things to worry about. 



The kids were excited about their first day of school today. For me, it brought back memories of my time as the unpopular kid at school as I will be back to sitting by myself at lunch now. 



In my local community page there's been a lot of talk about what Highland needs to "put it on the map" so to speak. I've responded by creating and posting these. 






Hanging out in Hill Valley circa 1885. 




Yesterday after my wife got off work, I whispered into her ear those four magic words every woman loves to hear: "Let's get Mexican food." 

Then, after we were done eating, we let the kids get on their tablets so they were occupied, locked the door to our bedroom and spent a magnificent 2 hours napping. 

Who says romance is dead? 



Just here in the Wild Wild West 




Picked the kids up from school today and on the drive home my daughter was just chattering away, talking to herself, and making goofy noises. It dawned on me, "My god, this is what I sound like to other people." #SheGetsItFromMe 


I am both excited and embarrassed about that last one there because I love what an impression I’m making on the kids but wish it was something more useful like an appreciation for mathematics instead of just encouraging them to make a bunch of stupid noises, but I’ll take what I can get.