Oof, this was not a good month for me from a joke standpoint (at least quantity-wise, presumably they’re all pretty rough months quality-wise). Aside from my poor effort at joke-writing, October was a damn decent month: hockey season started, I got a new nephew, I officially adopted my kids (which I haven’t written a joke about…yet). And then there’s the fun things I did get to write jokes about, like using the word girth and uncomfortable amount with my wife and also escaping responsibility for my farts by blaming my COVID booster. Neat.
Someone on one of my work calls today told me that I had a good voice for radio. I told them that I normally only hear that about my face.
*Seeing my wife looking at pictures of hair on her phone*
Me: "Whatcha doing?"
Wife: "Looking at hairstyles. I like the length I have but am thinking of changing the"
Wife: "No. Anyways, I'm kind of thinking of some layering that will keep the length but not the..."
Wife: "STOP SAYING GIRTH!"
Abigail: "I'm the smartest. I can answer any question."
Me: "Really? Who wrote the Pythagorean Theroem?"
Henry: "Tom Brady."
I don't even watch football so I have no idea where this kid comes up with this shit.
Watching The Price Is Right with the family. My wife enjoys when one contestant bids close enough to win both prize packages in the showcase showdown. I enjoy it when they both overbid and nobody wins a prize. This really does a great job of summarizing our personalities.
Hanging out in the Mushroom Kingdom.
I got eaten by a fish while looking for a princess.
I am proud to say that my kids like my cooking (no small feat!) but sometimes I think they overestimate my proficiency in the kitchen.
Abby: "Do you think you could be on Guy's Grocery Games?"
Me: "I could absolutely be on the show. I'd go down as the worst contestant in the history of the show, but I could at least be in attendance."
Just a normal family conversation in my house.
Me: "I have a really bad headache."
Wife: "Make it stop."
Me: "I know how to stop it." *covers face with pillow*
Daughter: "How does covering your face with a pillow help?"
Wife: "He's trying to suffocate himself."
Daughter: "Wow. Good job."
My wife and I got our COVID booster shots yesterday, so for at least the next few days I'm going to blame every dumb or annoying thing I do on the vaccine. For example, last night I told her that me farting in bed was a side effect of the shot.
Somewhere in an internet comments section right now, one of the dumbest people you know is typing "Let's go Brandon" and thinking they're clever for it.
Friendly reminder to check your kids Halloween candy tonight. Not because there might be drugs in there (nobody is giving away their edibles to kids for funsies) but because there might be some garbage like black licorice in there that nobody should be subjected to.
That joke making fun of people commenting “let’s go Brandon” really got one rando big mad in my comments section, so that was fun, too. We’re getting close to the holidays now so I’m looking forward to all the terrible dietary choices that entails. Perhaps my belly will get so big that my arms won’t reach the keyboard. I’m tired already just thinking about it.