Oof, September was a rough month for jokes. In my defense, I had a lot on my plate for the month. I finished up a 7 month leadership program at work and presented my capstone project near the end of the month and that took up an inordinate amount of brain power/worrying for a guy who has absolutely no fear of public speaking. And at the end of October I’ll be officiating another wedding, so I’ve been working out all the kinks in writing that ceremony. Needless to say, when you’re writing a work presentation and a wedding ceremony, your brain isn’t necessarily in “write dumb jokes” mode; but maybe that’s just me? Or maybe I am just making excuses. Let’s hope this very minimal amount of jokes are at least good.
9/4
"I wish I had some french fries, but ones that were not enjoyable at all." - the guy who invented sweet potato fries probably
9/7
In the interest of science, I switched my car radio to 99.1 for the first (and only) time ever yesterday. I immediately forgot that blinkers existed, could not keep my car between the lines on the highway, and couldn't maintain a consistent speed. This explains why every car with a JOY FM sticker is the worst driver you've ever seen.
9/10
My wife has so much anxiety that if there was a Miss Anxiety Pageant she'd be too anxious to go claim her prize so it would be awarded to the runner-up.
9/10
"Get in the pool, kids. It's time to swim." - Me to my toes as I take my socks off in bed
9/14
Today I am teaching my kids about telling the truth and how sometimes situations can get worse if we try to hide our mistakes and dodge responsibility.
Incidentally, our toilet is currently clogged with a bar of soap.
9/21
Have you ever heard a story of someone handling spicy foods, then inadvertently touching a delicate area and thought to yourself "I'm too smart to make that mistake"?
I also thought I was too smart for that, yet here I am in the bathroom with a cup of milk hating life.
9/27
Looks like only construction personnel are allowed to play on the playground.
9/30
How did pergolas become a thing? Did someone just run out of material and money before they could put a roof on their patio and say, "Fuck it, give it a fancy name and call it good."
I should take solace in the fact that I have set the bar very low for October based on what I did for September. Let’s try not to shit it all up, okay?
-Ryan