Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Losing Gracefully

              Well, as of yesterday my bid to become the next host of The Daily Show officially came to an end as Trevor Noah was named the successor to Jon Stewart.   To say that I’m disappointed would be an understatement, but when you’ve failed as much as I have, you’ve learned to (kinda) do it gracefully.  In fact, this isn’t even the first time I’ve failed at convincing the world to give me a TVshow.  But, in the vein of being a graceful failure, I do want wish Trevor the best of luck, while also reminding him that since I was passed up in favor of him, expectations are pretty damn high for his turn as host.

                But, loyal reader(s?), don’t you worry, I won’t be crying into my keyboard (for long).  For one, that could potentially short it out and I don’t feel like buying a new one.  And for two, I’ve got plenty of stuff going on here that doesn’t really give me enough time to remember how sad I am (I deal with my emotions in a totally healthy way).   Really, there are some things going on that I’m going to bill as new and exciting so that you keep coming back with some sort of (low) expectations for me.  You may have already noticed on of them in the URL for this site.  Just a couple of weeks ago I bought the domain www.lastplacetrophies.com , so my site is no longer a BlogSpot domain (that’s pretty exciting, right?).   I’m basically a professional now.

                I’ve also reached out to my friend and favorite artist, J. C. Mowrer for some updated artwork for my site.  Years ago he drew the picture of me that’s adorned the left side of my blog since I started it. And he’s now agreed to help me out with some new stuff that I am sure will make me look like considerably more of a cool and creative person than I actually am (most of my life is an elaborate ruse to make people think I don’t suck).  So, sometime in the future you’ll be seeing some visual changes to the blog as I incorporate the pieces he’s working on for me.  But more importantly, you should check out his art blog to see the work that he’s done and show him some love.  

                Another thing to look forward to is going to be my monthly joke round-up.  I write a fair amount of jokes during the course of my days/weeks/months.  They’re all pretty much one-off jokes that I post on my Facebook and Twitter accounts then never revisit.  But, I actually think these jokes are less stupid than my blog posts (the true sign of a creative mind is hating everything you create).  This will accomplish a few things.  It will give anyone who either doesn’t follow me on Facebook or Twitter a chance to see all the (possibly shitty) jokes I’m writing the rest of the time when I’m not blogging, it will let people catch up on jokes that they may have missed, it will give me an easy way of cataloging my jokes, and it is a totally cheap way for me to add an extra blog post in every month (I’m being transparent about my intentions).   

                One more idea I’ve been toying around with is the possibility of my own YouTube channel.  I’ve had a couple people tell me that I’d be great at it and I think that’s because they think I’m way too good-looking to not have my face everywhere but are uncomfortable with the idea of just outright telling me that I’m handsome (I often suffer with delusional thoughts).  I have another buddy who I have been kicking around this idea with and it is entirely possible that it may come to fruition in the future, but it is also entirely possible that I may never do anything with it (not that I ever struggle with commitment, ladies).  Either way, if it happens, you’ll know about it and I’ll expect you to follow that too.

                As I already mentioned, for at least the immediate future you can look forward to my monthly joke round-up, which I expect to post the first one of tomorrow (two posts in two days, that’s some fucking ambition).  And maybe in the long term, if you wish really hard and share the hell out of my blog with everyone you know, you may see me headlining my own TV show.  For now, you can still find me here amongst my Last Place Trophies.  And I’ll be watching The Daily Show as it transitions from Jon to Trevor.

                But Trevor Noah, if you screw this up, I will be waiting in the wings to snatch up that hosting job.  Good luck!


Wednesday, March 25, 2015


                I think I’ve made it clear already that I’ve done some things that really made my dad wonder where he went wrong.  Here’s another one.

                One night, my buddy LG (who you may remember from Fridge Cleaning) and I were hanging out drinking with a couple of girls that we knew (I know, it already sounds far-fetched).  This was back when I still lived at my dad’s, so we were drinking in the basement.  For the record, the basement consisted of my room, a living room area, a bar area, a workshop, a laundry room and a bathroom (pretty swanky stuff).  As per usual, we were gathered around the bar playing some card games and betting each other drinks.  One of our go-to drinking shenanigans was to have what was known as a “Silly Hat Party,” which was when we sat around drinking in some of the various ridiculous hats that I had accumulated (like a cheese head, antlers, pirate hat, etc.).  I was wearing bunny ears and LG happened to be wearing an enormous (and fashionable) sombrero.

Basically this.

                Eventually, we decided that a Silly Hat Party wasn’t bold enough, so it was suggested that we start playing strip card games.  Nobody thought this was a bad idea and more and more clothes came off as the drinks were poured.   We must have been being pretty loud and obnoxious because we managed to wake up my dad (he had to work early in the morning).  We had very little warning; we heard him as he was coming down the stairs.  The girls gathered their clothes and ran to my closet.  LG ducked behind the bar.  I managed to pull my pants up but not get them buttoned, so when my dad reached the bottom of the stairs, the only thing he saw there was me standing shirtless with my pants unbuttoned, holding a beer and wearing bunny ears.

Nothing to see here.

                  To some, this might be a scene where more information is not wanted, as the results could be awkward and terrifying.  My dad, however, realizing the tomfoolery that was afoot, quickly demanded to know who was in the closet.  The girls came out, surprisingly fully clothed, which actually only served to make me look even weirder.  But things didn’t end there.  My dad then demanded to know who was hiding behind the bar.  That is when LG made arguably the best decision possible as he jumped from behind the bar, still shirtless and wearing a sombrero, shouting “¡OLÉ!” with huge grin from ear to ear.

                My dad went back upstairs and to this day has never questioned me about what the hell was going on that night.


Tuesday, March 17, 2015

100 Bits of Wisdom From Ryan Rick

       I’ve seen a few posts being shared online about “100 Great Pieces of Advice” or “The 100 Best Bits of Wisdom” and I thought this was really something that I could horn in.  And since today is my birthday, I thought it would be a really appropriate time to share some of the things that I’ve learned in my 28 years on this planet.  Because this list is 100 items long, I’m going to keep the intro short.  So without further ado, here are 100 Bits of Wisdom From Ryan Rick:

1.       Don’t shit the bed (figuratively or literally).
2.       Irish coffee exists for a reason.
3.       Dogs will always love you more than your significant other does.
4.       Hot wings are meant to be messy.  Embrace it.
5.       Keep wet wipes under your bathroom sink.  Your butt will thank you.
6.       A six-pack is never enough.
7.       You can forget how to ride a bike.
8.       It’s never wrong to order a side of bacon.
9.       Wear good underwear.
10.   Use the word “swashbuckling.”
11.   Yes, farts are funny.  No, this does not make you immature.
12.   Always know where the closest gas station is.
13.   Plan on 2 pairs of socks per day.
14.   Make sure there is at least 1 person drunker than you at any event.
15.   Buy 2 silk ties.  Even if you don’t wear them to work.
16.   Designate a party shirt.
17.   Nobody has time for shoelaces.
18.   Argyle socks are the classiest thing you can put on your feet.
19.   Know how to read.
20.   Know how to bullshit.
21.   If you have to pee outside, know which way the wind is blowing.
22.   Clear your internet browser history.
23.   Know how to change your own oil.  Be able to pay someone else to do it.
24.   When you go to a new place, scope out the bathroom situation immediately.
25.   At least once in your life, drink a 64oz margarita by yourself.
26.   Don’t always text first.
27.   Don’t always wait for her to text first.
28.   Swimsuits are not always necessary for pool parties.  But you should ask first.
29.   Recycle
30.   Don’t be a beer snob.   Nobody cares.
31.   If you tell stories about how cool you are, nobody will think you’re cool.
32.   You are not as smart as you think you are.
33.   You might be as dumb as you think you are.
34.   Alcohol is not a good therapist.
35.   You can dance if you want to.
36.   Don’t always make the obvious joke.
37.   You can leave your friends behind.
38.   Sometimes it’s okay to make the obvious joke.
39.   Ignore the saying, “Pizza is like sex, even when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.”  That is a bullshit lie.
40.   Know how to match clothes.
41.   You don’t get do-overs in life.  Stop fucking up.
42.   You can live on ramen noodles if you have to.  You won’t die.
43.   Life is too short to suffer a bad haircut. 
44.   Take naps.
45.   You do not look good in a fedora.  Stop wearing one.
46.   Tip your server.  Also draw funny pictures on the receipt.
47.   Don’t drive like a jackass.
48.   Put a Gatorade next to your bed before you go out drinking. 
49.   Keep a hat in your car.  Bad hair days happen.
50.   Try new foods at least twice before deciding you hate them.
51.   Make great first impressions.  They’ll have plenty of time to be disappointed in you after that.
52.   Know how to fight.
53.   Try not to fight.
54.   Have a buddy there to witness the fights that do happen.
55.   Don’t have bad breath.
56.   Don’t use pick-up lines.  Get rejected on your own terms.
57.   Know how to both give and take compliments graciously.
58.   Don’t make or receive phone calls in the bathroom. 
59.   Bathroom text messages are okay.
60.   Don’t just play your favorite songs at the bar.  Play songs that other people like too.  You’ll make more friends that way.
61.   Friends can listen to Endless Love in the dark.
62.   Be aware of what you’re bad at.  It will probably be a long list.
63.   Help someone up when they fall.  It’s okay to laugh while you’re helping.
64.   Eat steak.
65.   Poop at work.  You’re getting paid for it.
66.   You should always aspire to smell nice.
67.   Breakfast is the most important meal to know how to cook.
68.   No matter how poor you are, you can always afford to buy the good toilet paper.
69.   Don’t send dick pics.  Just don’t.
70.   Have at least some idea of what the hell is happening in current events.
71.   That waitress is not flirting with you; she just wants to make a good tip.  Stop hitting on her.
72.   Know all of the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody and Don’t Stop Believin’.
73.   A movie doesn’t have to be objectively “good” to be enjoyable.
74.   Keep a bottle opener on your key ring.  Someday, it will make you a hero.
75.   The most important reason to have kids is so that someone else will mow the lawn and shovel snow.
76.   It’s actually really hard to come up with a list of 100 anything.
77.   Use a condom.  There are a lot of nasty people out there.
78.   Cry in the shower.  Nobody will see your tears.
79.   A beard will conceal the fact that you’re blushing.
80.   Manscaping is important.  Do it.
81.   New people mean new opportunities.  You will not get this on your couch.
82.   Sometimes binge-watching The Office on Netflix is more important than meeting new people.
83.   If someone has babysat you when you’re being a drunken pile of shit; that is your friend.  Cherish them.  Return the favor.
84.   Don’t make a habit out of being a drunken pile of shit.
85.   Wear a belt.
86.   Sometimes it’s cool to just text someone a smiley face.
87.   Know what you’re going to order before you get the bartender’s attention.
88.   If you notice your own body odor, everyone else noticed it a long time ago.
89.   If you don’t know something, Google it.  The internet exists; you have no excuse for being a dumbass.
90.   If you’re really good at your job, people tend to overlook how much you goof off.
91.   Don’t give up without at least trying.  Nobody thought Jamaica could have a bobsled team, either.
92.   Learn how to Moonwalk.
93.   Stop leaving creepy Facebook comments on pretty girls’ pictures.
94.   If you drink someone’s beer, offer to replace it.
95.   There’s always room for popcorn.
96.   Your best friend will never forget that stupid thing you did.
97.   Buy your girlfriend flowers, because you’ve probably already done something wrong.
98.   Cuss words are useful in being expressive.  Don’t be a fucking prude.
99.   The easiest way to cope with most situations is to make a joke about it.
100. Don’t listen to the things I say.  I generally don’t know what the hell I’m talking about.

       With any luck, maybe you’ve learned something profound from this list.  One thing I learned is to never, ever, try to make another list of 100 things again.


Monday, March 9, 2015

Text Anxiety

                A lot of people think texting is a great thing and there are many, many times that I would agree with this; it’s an easy and convenient way to keep in touch without being tied down to a phone call.   But life isn’t always so simple, and when you have incredible amounts of anxiety just bubbling underneath the surface throughout your day-to-day activities, something as simple as texting can cause your brain to do mental cartwheels (or mental faceplants) as it tries desperately to make sense of this technologically driven facet of human interaction.  Seriously, it’s hard enough to understand what the hell people are thinking when you can read their body language and now we’ve taken that out of the equation. 

Face to face conversations are considerably easier because even when you say something stupid the conversation keeps rolling and suddenly that dumb thing you said is already in the past (until you say the next dumb thing).  With text messages, however, you say something stupid and it’s there, spelled out (incorrectly) and able to be mulled over so that you can keep reminding yourself how stupid you are.  I’m pretty certain that every single person I know is at most 3 stupid text messages away from deciding to never speak to me again. Now, I’m willing to bet that I’m not the only one whose brain starts doing gymnastics during text conversations (I am not a unique individual), so today I present for your enjoyment 6 Stages of Text Anxiety:

Man, I really want to talk to X.  I should send her a text.  Actually, maybe I should wait a little bit, it’s 5 a.m. so I’m gonna assume she’s still sleeping and I don’t want to be ‘that guy.’   Okay, we’re gonna wait until 8:45, no 8:47 so it doesn’t look like I was waiting until 8:45.  Am I sure that she even wants to talk to me?  I’ll probably just be bothering her. Maybe I won’t text her. But I really want to.  I don’t even have anything to say! She’s definitely going to be annoyed with this.  How do I start conversation again?  What are words even supposed to do?! “Hey there, how’s it going?” Okay, that seems reasonable.  Nobody could possibly be offended by that text.  Is it 8:47 yet? Okay, sent.

Okay, it’s been 58 minutes since I sent that text.  She’s probably seen it by now, right?  Maybe she’s got no service?  Maybe she’s out playing tennis? OH GOD, MAYBE SHE’S BEEN IN A CAR ACCIDENT!! No, that’s stupid.  I’m being stupid.  The more logical thing is that she hates me and never wants to speak to me again. Wait, was that my phone vibrating?  No, it wasn’t.  I’m imagining things because I’m stupid.  Wait, that was definitely my phone.  Nope, that was also imaginary.  Well it’s decided, she never wants to talk to me again….ooh, a text! Damnit, it’s from Kyle.  No, Kyle, I don’t want to hear about your kidney stones, I’m waiting for an important text.  “LOL, that’s great, dude!” Now seriously, don’t text me back, you’re giving me false hope every time my phone goes off.  Ah! Finally, a text from X, let’s see what she said. “Pretty good, you?”

Shit, that’s a loaded question.  How am I?  Wrecked with incontrollable anxiety?  That’s definitely the wrong thing to say.  Am I great? No, she’s ‘pretty good’ so I don’t want to one-up her and rub it in her face how great my life is.  Does she really want to know how I’m doing or is she just being polite?  WAIT! No matter what I say, I can’t reply right away because then I’ll look like I was just sitting here waiting for the message like some kind of big loser.  I am a big loser.  I’ll have to hide that.  Okay, I will wait 24 minutes to reply.  That’s a weird amount of time so it won’t look like I’m waiting to reply, right?  Also, I need to make sure I continue the conversation.  If I just say how I’m doing then nothing else, the conversation is done and then I’m back to square one.  I should ask her another question, and then she’ll have a reason to respond.  Shit, how am I doing again?  And what should I ask her? “Not bad.  Do you like Chinese?”  Okay, that’ll do.  Sent.

What the hell kind of stupid ass question was that? Does she like Chinese? That was completely out of the blue, totally random.  She’s going to think I’m an idiot.  Wait, what if she doesn’t know that I’m talking about the food?  What if she thinks I’m talking about the people?  SHE’S GOING TO THINK I’M A RACIST!! She is reading that message right now and telling everyone she knows that I’m a bigot.  This is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone!  Okay, probably not, but definitely in the top 10. Maybe I should just casually mention that I’m not a racist. ‘Oh, by the way I’m not a racist. Just thought you should know.’  That’s even dumber than anything else I’ve done so far today.   I could post a picture on Facebook of me with my friend Kenny, he’s Chinese.  That should clear this up.  There’s her response, I didn’t even have time to call Kenny! What did she say? “Yeah, it’s my favorite! We should get some sometime.”

WHAT? Obviously, somebody else texted her at the exact same time as I did and she was supposed to be responding to them.  This is clearly not meant for me, there is no way she is asking me out for Chinese food.  At least she didn’t think I was a racist.  What the hell do I say to this?  I don’t want to seem over eager.  But I also don’t want her to think that I’m not interested.  Okay, what would someone who is considerably cooler than me say?  Fonzie?  Han Solo? James Bond?  Okay, just calm down.  Be yourself.  Be cool. Say something cool. Say the first cool thing that comes to mind and just send it.  “Cool.” Sent.

I’m a fucking idiot.