Thursday, December 19, 2013

Open Letter to A&E

Dear A&E
                In light of your recent controversy surrounding Duck Dynasty and the statements made by Phil Robertson in his recent interview with GQ, I thought that I may selflessly offer my advice and service to you in overcoming this most inconvenient turn of events.  At this very moment, your Duck Dynasty brand is seeing some backlash and the show itself may very well be in jeopardy.  Even if the show does continue, one may wonder if the Duck Dynasty brand isn’t permanently damaged by the events that are even now, still unfolding.  I certainly cannot say whether the suspension of Phil from the show will calm the media storm, or cause a rift in the family, or cause the complete breakdown of the show; I can’t see the future.  But what I can tell you, is that it is important for you to act now in order to protect your network and ensure its continued sustainability. 
                What I am offering to you, is to help create your next big television series, naturally, starring me.  I believe that I could quite easily take up this task and perform not just adequately, but admirably.  Trust me, I’m hip and cool (I tell everyone I am and I am pretty sure they believe me) in addition to a bevy of other qualities that can help create your next reality show juggernaut.  In fact, in order to help sway your decision, I’ve compiled a list of The Top 5 Reasons Why The Ryan Rick Show is a Great Investment:

1)      Marketability
First and foremost, you need a product that you can market to the masses and let me tell, I have that coming out the wazoo (wherever that is, I hope it’s not gross).  My everyday life could easily be segmented into enticing promos for each weekly episode.  Whether it be a snappy (possibly cheesy?) one-liner, a sweet dance move, a drunken confession or a shouting match with one of my roommates, almost every interesting moment of my life can be neatly condensed into a 30 second teaser.  And let’s be serious, if you can put those guys’ faces on a poster and get people to watch their show, there is no reason why my face can’t do the same.  One of the things that I’ve learned in my life is that people like attractive people named Ryan (Reynolds, Gosling, Seacrest) and even if I’m the least attractive Ryan in that group, you can still use the name to trick people into watching.

2)      Merchandising Opportunities
Another important consideration for any show is how easily you can create additional revenue through sales of merchandise.   I have absolute faith in my ability to create merchandising opportunities.  T-shirts are a great place to start and, not to toot my own horn (beep beep), but I’m like a walking t-shirt slogan think-tank.   Pretty much half of the things I say can be put on the front of a t-shirt.   And the other half could go on the back.  Or you could put them all on the fronts and make twice as many t-shirts, your call.  Outside of t-shirts, I’m sure you’ll notice that I have finely groomed beard and I take great pride in my hair.  Naturally, this translates to Ryan Rick brand beard trimmer and Ryan Rick brand hair-styling paste (or a Ryan Rick Chia Pet!).   And it’s almost a given that my obnoxious ego would lend itself perfectly to a Ryan Rick bobble-head).  Really, I could keep going with this, but I have to still get to my other points.  Just know that the possibilities are endless (until you make a Ryan Rick brand everything, then the possibilities have ended).

3)      Relatable Personality
I think this is an often-overlooked trait of many reality show stars.  Whether they be a family of beardos who run the duck-call industry, or a bunch of rich housewives famous for being catty, or an over-zealous group of repo-men, one thing that many reality shows miss out on is the ordinary guy.  That’s something I can bring to TV.  I don’t have a gorgeous girlfriend or a fancy house or my own business or pretty much anything to possibly be jealous of.   I have a normal job, terrible luck with women and two roommates to create shenanigans with (that’s both drama and comedy right there…dramedy).  I’m sure you’ve noticed how stars that are relatable and seem approachable are always extremely popular. This is an opportunity to put someone that relatable on your network, because I don’t have to pretend like I’m “Joe Everyman.”  I already have literally no reason to think I’m better than anyone.

4)      Availability
Another big selling point, and some particularly great news for you guys, is that I am available to start filming at any time.  And I don’t have any schedule conflicts whatsoever for the foreseeable future, so we could film season after season of footage with nothing to interfere.  It may seem strange for someone who is obviously as awesome as I’ve lead you believe I am, but I do have a pretty wide open schedule.  Seriously.  Completely open.  I’ve got nothing going on.  I can start filming tomorrow if you guys are good for it.  What are you doing Saturday? Wanna hang out? Please? Anyone?

5)      Price
I think one of the best reasons to give me my own TV show is how amazingly affordable it would be for your network.  I know what you’re thinking, “This guy sounds amazing! But can we really afford such greatness?”  Well, put those worries away because I am definitely on the inexpensive side.  More appropriately, I’m on the unreasonably cheap side.  And I really do mean unreasonably cheap because I have very low standards and don’t understand shame (plus, I can work magic with Ramen noodles).  Knowing that a primary concern for any show is ensuring its profitability, you should absolutely have no problem turning a profit with me on board because I am a college graduate, which means that I have grown quite comfortable living life under a mountain of debt.  In fact, I could probably even show you guys a thing or two about saving money and living frugally (tip 1: if it doesn’t smell rotten, it’s probably still safe to eat).

As I’m sure you can see, all of my qualifications are in order and I’m clearly a great fit for a television show on your network.  And aside from all of these great (and clearly not made-up) qualities, you can rest easy knowing that I (probably) will not offend anyone with off-color commentary.  People seem to genuinely like me and I assume that it’s because I smell nice, but also because I’m not an asshole.   And I think that’s the kind of guy you can afford to take a chance on.


                                                                            Ryan Rick (not an asshole)

1 comment:

  1. You're definitely not an asshole and I think you'd be a perfect fit for the network! Others agree too...I got an email from a friend and former co-worker yesterday saying, "I just love your Ryan! You've impressed quite a few folks. :)