Thursday, June 25, 2015

#Knuckles' Greatest Hits Vol. 1

My last post about Knuckles (that’s my roommate for any newcomers) was pretty well received.   And, as I expected I did hear some stories from people who encountered him at the bar after trivia that night.  It seems that the bulk of his energy that night was devoted to interrupting peoples’ conversations to tell them how much he hates me.  And that’s pretty much all the encouragement I need to make another post about all of his various shenanigans.   I do have some longer stories I’d like to put together for future posts (like the story of the road trip to New Orleans), but for right now I’ll do a compilation of some of his more isolated moments of ridiculousness.   So, here are some of Knuckles’ Greatest Hits (Volume 1).

-Knuckles hates most food (and the smell of most foods).  His diet consists almost entirely of: frozen pizzas, pizza rolls, fish sticks, hot wings, mac & cheese, fast food, beefaroni, Hamburger Helper, his mom’s spaghetti, soda and beer.  He is also seemingly allergic to physical exertion.  I have no idea how he is not 800 lbs.

-Knuckles once yelled at me because he didn’t like the way I was making my spaghetti.  He felt it important to let me know that my ratios of pasta, sauce and meat were different than how his mom makes it.   I was making this spaghetti strictly for myself.  Knuckles yelled at me because he didn’t like the way I was making my own dinner.

-Knuckles will leave dishes in the sink for so long that he forgets that they were his dishes.  He then argues with me about why I’m forcing him to wash “someone else’s” dishes.

-Knuckles has extremely low alcohol tolerance.  And he blacks out constantly.  The last party I had started at 8 pm.  Knuckles was drunk at 8:45 pm.  He had drunk 2 beers.

-Knuckles never posts Facebook statuses.  After one particularly spirited night at the bar I woke up to find that he had posted on Facebook “I may black out but I bang bad bitches.”   Knuckles does black out, but he most certainly does not bang bad bitches.
He deleted it as soon as he woke up the next morning.  Good thing I took a screen cap!

-Knuckles likes to turn on music to fall asleep by when he’s been drinking.  The alcohol inhibits his hearing.  One of the saddest things I’ve ever seen was when I woke up at 5 am to find Knuckles passed out in his room, curled in the fetal position with the song “Love Hurts” blaring.

-I have also had to ask Knuckles to turn down his speakers because the bass line for “Gangster’s Paradise” was shaking the living room.

-Knuckles often passes out with full beers in his hands.  His mattress is stained with beer because of this.  Once, he passed out on the living room couch with a beer in his hand and (predictably) spilled it on himself.  He then stood up, set his beer on the coffee table, dropped his pants and walked to his room (without his pants).  He has no memory of this.

-There is a bar near our apartment that we regularly go to (as do most people we know).  We know the owners, we know the staff and it’s usually a pretty good time.   One night, Knuckles leans over to the guy next to him and says, “I don’t like the bartender.  She’s ugly.”  It’s worth noting that the bartender is cute, always nice to us, and dating the guy that Knuckles said this to.  The guy (who knows Knuckles & vice versa) turns and says, “Knuckles, what the fuck? That’s my girlfriend.”   Knuckles walks away without saying anything else.

-Knuckles has a tendency to take 45-minute showers because he “starts thinking and forgets that he’s in the shower.”  Nobody has ever believed this excuse.  Ever.

                I am under the assumption that people will thoroughly enjoy this post.  So I’ll probably start working on Knuckles’ Greatest Hits Vol. 2.  Keep an eye out for it.


Wednesday, June 17, 2015

10 Reasons To Share My Blog

                This is my 50th post!  That’s (probably not) a big deal! About a year and a half ago I started this blog not knowing how long I’d be able to keep updating with new content, or if I’d even be able to do it at all.  But I went from humble beginnings and uncertainty on my ability to keep writing, to what you see here now a year and a half later: humble middles and an uncertainty over whether I should keep writing (I’m probably not even good at this).  I would say that I’ve come a long way, but I’m still pretty much writing the same stories as when I started because you stick with what you know and call it branding (thank you, marketing degree).

                Originally, I had written an entirely different post for my 50th blog update.  But I realized that it was probably (definitely) terrible so I scrapped it and started fresh with an entirely new subject.  Maybe this one will suck less (I would cross my fingers but it’s hard to type that way).   Perhaps one day I’ll retool that scrapped article and it will be deemed worth of posting.   But there’s just as good of a chance that it will remain in post-purgatory forever.  And if nothing else, that should tell you how much I care about putting out quality posts for anyone out there reading.  And since I’m working so hard to create great things for my audience, I really think it would be cool if you all worked hard for me as well by going out of your way to share my blog posts with everyone you know (whether they like it or not).    But I know that my readers are far too intelligent to just blindly follow my words without some sort of convincing argument (I promise I’m not pandering), so here are 10 Reasons Why You Should Shamelessly Whore Out My Blog To Anyone And Everyone You Know:

1)      It’s (Probably) Funny
People often (sometimes) tell me that I’m funny.  And I believe them because I will mindlessly cling to any semblance of a compliment that comes my way (I also spend a lot of time wondering if they’re being sarcastic because I lack confidence).   But if you do find my blog utterly hilarious, you really should be sharing it with everyone.  And if you find it entirely pathetic, maybe you should share it anyways and maybe get me some pity views.

2)      You Don’t Hate Me
At least, I’m pretty sure you don’t.  You’re here, reading this, right?  Even if we’re not friends that’s gotta count for something!  Hell, I’ll even go a step further and say that you might even like me a little (just a little).  And because you like me, you probably should help me out by sharing this so I can get more views and you can seem cool to other people by saying that you actually know the guy writing these posts.  It’s a win-win.

3)      Fame
My two most popular updates I’ve ever posted on this blog were both about me being on TV, one suggesting that I host The Daily Show and one saying that I should have my own reality show on A&E.  And this could mean a few things, like maybe people really think I have a talent that should be showcased on television, or that people really just want to actually see me embarrass myself rather than reading about it on my blog.  Either way, if you keep sharing my blog, maybe you’ll see it happen!

4)      I’m Not A Dick
Despite what my roommate, Knuckles, might tell you, I’m not a huge asshole!  And I think that might be something that is worth rewarding.  Hell, I’ll even go a step further and say that making a non-dickish person like me famous could actually be a breath of fresh air in a world with so many famous dicks already.  I could even be a role model (please, don’t actually look up to me.  I make bad decisions and then publicize them to the entire internet.  Learn from my mistakes). 

5)      Money
Obviously, with fame would come wealth.  And boy would I like to be able to pay off my school loans and stop eating ramen noodles and McDonald’s Dollar Menu (actually, I’d probably eat that stuff anyways because, as we’ve already discussed, I make bad decisions).  But it would be totally nice to pay off the loans for that degree that I’m not using.

6)      I’d Share the Wealth
Despite the offensive amounts of money that I’ll be making once I’m famous, I really don’t plan on living some crazy rock star lifestyle (partly because I can’t play guitar).   As mentioned already, I’ll have to pay off my school loans for my useless degree (can you tell that I’m bitter about that?), but after that I have no intention of pulling an MC Hammer (though I’ll probably buy some parachute pants), because I really don’t need a golden toilet in my (moderately sized) house.   So naturally, with the butt loads (is that an actual unit of measurement?) of money I’ll be making, I will have a lot of money to share with the people around me and put towards good causes (like dogs, because I love dogs.  And cancer, because I hate cancer).  Doesn’t that seem like the kind of guy you wanna support?
I'd look so good in this.

7)      New Inspiration & New Updates
Once I’m famous, I’ll have to jet-set all over the country, make appearances at swanky galas (whatever those are) and schmooze with influential types.  I’m sure I’ll attend some red carpet parties and the subsequent after parties (not sure what color the carpets are for those).  The important thing to take away from this is that I’m not even very good at living the life I lead now; I’m awkward and terrible And it’s made for some pretty fantastic stories.  Just imagine the fun stories I have when you throw me into the kind of new situations that my fame would bring.  There’s no telling where I’d make a fool of myself then.  You know you want to see that happen, because life is kind of boring without the opportunity to laugh at me.

8)      Taylor Swift
This one might be a bit of a stretch (it certainly isn’t the most plausible part of my list), but I have to include it.  Once I’m famous, I’m sure that at some point I’ll meet Taylor Swift and I will undoubtedly woo her.  She will fall in love with me (I’m sure she’ll find my awkwardness endearing), we will get married (we’ll both keep our respective last names) and we will live happily ever after as a new, very pale, power couple in the entertainment industry.  Also, she won’t be writing break up songs anymore because I would be the most gentlemanly gentleman ever.  And don’t worry, I’m not like super creepy and obsessed over her; photoshopping pictures of us together in my spare time.
Don't judge me.

9)      I’ve Got Nothing Else
I know the life of a minimally successful blogger may seem pretty rad, but in all truthfulness I don’t really have a whole lot going on.  I go to work, come home and watch Netflix.  Sometimes I hang out with friends and play video games.   Or sometimes I go out and play sports (I’m totally athletic, ladies).   Other times I sit at home alone (in a totally not sad and pathetic way).   But even with all that, I have plenty of time to be handsome in public and on camera.  Plus, I’m a way better rolemodel than Kim Kardashian and the general public managed to make her famous (she doesn’t even write awesome blog posts like this and I suspect it’s because she’s illiterate).   I’m just a single guy (until I get the chance to woo Taylor Swift) with a roommate, a Knuckles and a bunch of free time that I don’t really know what to do with aside from writing for this blog.

10)   I’m Asking Nicely
Please share this.  Pretty please.  I took the time to even write you this nice blog post explaining how great it would be for you to help me out by sharing this.  I could have been totally rude and demanded you to advertise my blog for me, but I like and respect my extremely intelligent and attractive readers far too much to be anything but nice towards you.  Because I am humbled by your patronage of my site.  So, pretty please with cherries on top?

                And there you have it; my totally underwhelming 50th post in which I grovel for your acceptance and you help in continuing to grow my audience.    I’ve only been working on this since my blog was sitting on 46 posts and I finally finished it just in time to actually make it my 50th post (before I post my next Joke Round Up and screw everything up).   Personally, I think this one turned out way better than my original 50th post that I wrote, but you’ll probably never know because I won’t let the original garbage post ever see the light of day (unless I get really desperate for content and find a way to spin it where we all just make fun of how terrible my writing is).  Here’s to 50 more (and beyond)!


Monday, June 1, 2015

May Joke Round-Up

                Another month has come to a close and, accordingly, here is the round-up of my jokes from May.  Couple of notable things for this month, on the 12th I went to a concert and clearly spent most of my time just ragging on the bands that were there.  I changed jobs midway through the month, as evidenced by my joke about it and the absence of my desk pictures for the 2nd half of the month (the end of an era *sigh*).  And apparently, on the 16th I just lost my mind and was more useless than usual but felt inclined to make a bunch of jokes about it.  Enjoy!

If there's one thing that I wish more people knew about me it's that I own a copy of the Space Jam soundtrack

This week's desk picture is a reminder both to treat others well and to enjoy life as much as possible. #‎BeExcellentToEachOther #‎PartyOnDudes‪ #‎WyldStallyns

Taco Bell is giving away free biscuit tacos today. I think this is a perfect representation of America's understanding of Cinco de Mayo.

With so many people eating Mexican food and drinking yesterday, today's work day should be sponsored by Febreze and Charmin.

I've been sleeping with my window open lately and waking up to the sunrise and the sound of birds chirping, feeling fantastic. Kind of feels like I'm in a Disney movie. I just wanna sing with all the voices of the mountains and paint with all the colors of the wind.

Can you still sign up to take the ACT/SAT test even if you're 28 and have no good reason to be there? I want to get a group of people to sign up, sneak liquor into the test and drink every time we mark C.

"I haven't drank any more than you have and I'm probably sure I'm not gonna remember any of this." - #‎Knuckles

This week's desk picture reminds me that with the right team you can overcome anything, whether it be ghosts, giant marshmallow men, or Carpathians. "Sometimes, shit happens, someone has to deal with it, and #‎WhoYaGonnaCall?"

A study from the University of British Columbia found that women find happy men "significantly less attractive."
This makes me pretty unhappy

I don't know what band this is on stage, but the vocals sound like somebody tied a cat to one foot and a baby to the other, then starting jogging laps around a gravel parking lot. And I think jean jacket vests were a bold fashion choice.

One fun game to play with bands is to look at all of the band members and try to guess which one is angriest at their parents.

In all seriousness, if your band's vocals are unintelligible growls/screams, I am going to assume that your lyrics are just reciting a recipe for a mean casserole

Subway is implementing a new security system that sprays robbers with a traceable synthetic DNA that will stay on them for 7 weeks.
Are sandwich thieves that rampant of a problem? And couldn't they just spray the perpetrators with Sweet Onion sauce? #‎StickyBandits

Today is my last day of work at TNi. I will be leaving my picture frame in the hands of a coworker. But I figured I needed one last inspirational picture that I think really sums up my existence.

If you are talking on the phone in the bathroom I have no problem making obnoxious fart noises and unnecessarily flushing the toilet 6 times.

I sang (and totally nailed) "Somebody To Love" in front of a bachelorette party tonight. Afterwards, the bride walked up to me and introduced me to her friend. Almost immediately, the friend turned around to talk to someone else. I'm not even interesting enough to last through the attention span of a goldfish.

The microwave broke and I'm supposed to wait 22 minutes for this shit to cook in the oven. It's like I'm living in the Stone Age.

I watched a horror movie at 9 am because it was bright outside and I didn't want to get scared.

My biggest accomplishment today was getting a piece of popcorn kernel unstuck from my teeth.

Me: "She was the one that showed up to the party, was waving a dildo around and caused a scene."
Kyle: "As opposed to a party where you can wave around a dildo and not cause a scene?"
Me: "Depends on the party."

NASCAR would actually be interesting if the drivers could throw out hazards at each other like oil slicks and spike strips.

First day at the new job. My strategy for success is to smell nice and have great hair.

I've spent my first couple of days at work focusing on learning everything I can about mattresses. I'm gonna use this knowledge to pick up women. "Hey baby, how about we go back to my place and I teach you all about mattresses?"

I think you've reached a new level of sophistication in life when you start your day off by drinking chocolate milk out of a scotch glass.

One of my favorite things to do at night is stay up late remembering every mistake I've ever made.

I had a dream last night that I got dumped. I'm not dating anyone. Apparently, even my subconscious wants some space.

I really enjoy when there are lane closures on the highway and mayhem ensues as people struggle to understand how to operate their vehicle when there's only one lane of traffic. Because single file lines were apparently not part of everyone's grade school curriculum.

#‎Knuckles: "An O'Fallon couple was sentenced to prison for keeping their artistic son in a cage."
Kyle: "Uh, do you mean autistic...?"
Me: "If you don't stop painting right now you're going in the cage again!!"

Spilled some food on my shirt. Went up to the bar and got some club soda for the stain and some whiskey for me. #‎Adulthood

Note to self: Do not wear neon glow-stick necklace while driving home from wedding. Cops find it suspicious.


I hope I never think I'm too good for gas station nachos.

                Hope you enjoyed it.  My next post should (hopefully) be something awesome (whenever I stop hating my own writing and actually post it), so keep an eye out for it!