Here is a quick story that I couldn’t resist sharing.
Back in December, I went out with my friends Tom and Alex to our favorite karaoke bar (we have a favorite one because we’re kind of professionals). As usual, Alex and I rocked the place with voices that can best be equated to those of seraphim (Tom just watched because he lacks confidence), but that’s not the important part of this story. After closing down the bar, we stopped by a McDonald’s on the way home, because sometimes the most important thing you can do after a night of drinking is to eat some nugs (McNuggets). Now, as Tom was ordering the food, Alex and I took it upon ourselves to act like complete assholes. When asked what he wanted, we shouted out “a cup of dicks” before Tom could respond. And every time there was a pause, or a question of whether he needed to order anything else, again we urged them to add “cup of dicks” to the order. There was also some singing of amended lyrics to Iggy Azalea’s “Fancy” (cup of Ace, cup of Goose, cup of dicks).
Fast forward a couple of weeks from there and it’s my annual Christmas party. I open up the gift that Alex gives me and it’s a set of 4 stemless wine glasses (which I’m totally going to use for my Bastille Day Bash). Upon opening up the box they’re in, I find that all 4 glasses were filled with tiny, dick-shaped candies. I look up from the gift to see Alex with a huge grin on his face as he shouts, “Cup of dicks!” Now, despite the fact that this was a large pile of pink, purple and white dick-shaped candies, this was still candy and the fat kid in me was not about to waste it. I put all the dick candy in a bowl and put it on my kitchen table for myself, my roommates and any house guests to snack on (if you’re too stuck up to eat dick candies, you’re not my friend).
Fast forward again a few weeks and I get a text from one of my younger cousins, Sam, asking if he can borrow my St. Louis Blues hoodie because he’s going to the hockey game that night. Of course I say yes, because I’m a great cousin, but I’m already on my way to work so I tell him he can just let himself into my apartment and grab it from my closet. A little while later I get another text from him, “Why do you have candy shaped like dicks on your table?!!”