Tuesday, November 13, 2018

Pants Party

If you’ve followed me for a while, it’s no secret that I hate fall.  There are plenty of good reasons to hate fall, but it can all be summed up by this: fall is a bullshit season with bullshit weather.  “But Ryan, *insert bullshit reason why fall supposedly doesn’t suck even though everyone already knows that fall is garbage*.”  Okay, first of all, you’re still wrong.  And secondly, that’s not even what this is about so stop having fake arguments in your head, Ryan.

What this post is actually about is jeans.  Inevitably, during this time of year there will be people prattling on about how excited they are to wear jeans and a hoodie.  But why?  And why are people so excited about wearing jeans on “casual Friday”?  Jeans are not comfortable and I cannot figure out why people think they are.

Part of it, I think, is that people confuse casual with comfortable.  I mean, jeans are certainly casual, there’s no denying that (unless you’re at a wedding near where I live, because inevitably you will see some redneck in his dress jeans), but comfort is not something I’d associate with denim.  In fact, jeans weren’t even designed to be comfortably, they were designed to be durable.  So you’re misappropriating their use!

And I say this while also fully admitting that I am a person who owns multiple pairs of jeans, but if I’m wanting comfortable pants my dress pants are actually more comfortable than my jeans.  The only caveat to that is that I usually have to wear nice things to go along with my dress pants; the shoes and shirts associated with my dress pants are less comfortable than the shoes and shirt I wear with jeans.  Is that everyone’s problem?  Jeans just get lumped in with comfort by being the least comfortable part of a casual outfit?

Circling back to my initial reason for writing this, I do get quite annoyed when people are excited for fall because they “can’t wait to wear jeans and hoodies.”  Fuck that! The shorts and t-shirt I wear in summer is comfortable as all shit.  Why would you be excited to put on less comfortable clothing?  This is a world where people are constantly sharing social media posts saying “I CAN’T WAIT TO TAKE MY PANTS AND BRA OFF AS SOON AS I GET HOME!”  I’m not sitting in my living room in a comfy t-shirt thinking, “FUCK, I SHOULD PUT ON A TIE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THOSE THINGS ROCK!”  Is there someone sitting in their yard wearing some nice, freeing, comfy ass flip-flops thinking, “Yeah, this toe freedom is nice, but some snow boots would be dope right now”?  Outside of ridiculous stock photos, are there people who just absolutely love laying around the house in jeans rather than some sort of actually comfortably attire?

Look at these fucking losers.

Meanwhile, while society is lauding the (imaginary) virtues of jeans, you know what’s really getting unnecessarily shit on? (Side note: this would be a good time to note that you should not shit on or in your pants. Or anyone else’s).   Cargo pants/shorts. It’s dumb, it’s awful and it’s not fair that this absolute godsend of a trouser catches so make flak while people extoll the virtues of jeans.  Seriously, look at any sort of article about men’s fashion and you’ll see some obvious know-nothing talking smack on cargoes. 

Firstly, cargo shorts/pants are often khaki, which means firstly that they’re more comfortable denim and secondly, that they’re a neutral color so you can essentially just wear them with anything and it’s probably not gonna clash (don’t go 100% on that because I am by no means a fashion icon, just a dude that loves him some cargo pants).  And of course, most importantly, the pockets.  Do you know how much stuff I can carry in all those pockets?  All the stuff.  In fact, I’m almost positive that every single article written by someone shit-talking cargo pants/shorts is someone who is just jealous that they have to carry stuff in their hands like a fucking animal instead of putting them in all those glorious pockets like an intellectually advanced member of society. 

I once fit an entire 12 pack of beer into the pockets of my cargo shorts, then climbed a tree and sat up in that tree drinking those beers from my cargo pockets.  And I did it in absolute comfort.  When I’m at a concert and I buy merch or at a hockey game with a free giveaway item but don’t want to hold my swag all game, I just put that shit right in my cargo pockets then my hands are free to flip the bird at all the chumps who either didn’t think ahead or were shunned by society into not wearing cargoes.  I so firmly support cargo pants that I wore them in my engagement pictures and not only did they look fantastic and feel super comfy, but I carried all of mine and my fiancée’s stuff in them, too.

My fiancée wore jeans because she has bad taste.  Also why she chose to marry me.

As you can see from the picture, we had our engagement shoot during the fall, which I fucking hate.  So the only things that allowed me to smile for these pictures in the midst of such an awful season were the amazing pair of trousers I was wearing and the amazing woman I got to take the pictures with. 

Just to further stress my point, I made a very scientific scatter chart.
Fig. 1: Extremely Scientific

Now, as you can see from this, if you’re wearing dress pants typically at work, the logical step for casual Friday is to give up a bit in the way of public opinion for noticeably more comfort than jeans.  And of course, as I’ve already covered, fuck the public’s acceptance of cargoes because they’re wrong and they should feel bad.  Now, if you’re really looking to balk at what the public finds acceptable, you could always go with one of the choices in the upper left area.  I do think it’s worth noting that I put nude as less comfortable than pajama pants because that little bit of fabric can protect you from cool breezes, hot car seats or even bee stings.  I definitely would not recommend the banana hammock, as it offers neither comfort nor public acceptance.

At the end of the day, all I’m trying to say is that if you like jeans more than khaki cargo pants, then you’re just absolutely wrong.  And this is the hill I will die on, because I keep all the reasons why I am write in the numerous pockets of my comfortable pants.


Thursday, November 1, 2018

October 2018 Joke Round-Up

                 Boy, this month started out slow with the jokes.  I was having a rough go of it.  Seems like I finally remembered how the hell to write a joke in the last half of the month though.  Lot of inspiration from the kids this month, despite the fact that late in the month I realized I’m a failure as a parent.  I tried to give away one of the kids even before he puked in the car.   Anyways, here’s the jokes.

Tonight we went out for dinner at the pub & eatery where I spent the better part of my 20s. Henry passed out in his chair. So proud that he's following in his daddy's footsteps.

Watching my son wander around the classroom aimlessly when his Cub Scout pack was told to break off and form small groups brought back some stressful school memories. I felt that in my soul.

Personally, I find the Supreme Court to be a misleading name because it doesn't even have peppers and mushrooms on it. Lot of sausage, though.

I bought some chocolate cookies with brownies inside and holy shit. Forget flying cars, this is the future we've all been waiting for.

Sometimes I put toilet paper down on the toilet seat in my own house, not because it's dirty but because I don't want my butt to be cold. #Confession

My eating habits have gotten a little bit healthier since moving in with my fiancée. For instance, I used to make popcorn every night. Now I almost never make it; not because I don't want popcorn but because I don't want to share it. #Confession

My fiancée and I have talking about getting a dog and what kinds of dogs we would want. I definitely don't want a Great Dane, but could probably handle an Okay Dane.

I hate fall and this poll sucked so I fixed it.

Because puppies don't look like Danny DeVito.

The kids are working on homework for their music class. I'm digging those facts.

When I was in elementary school I played an orphan extra in the high school's production of Oliver Twist. This morning I danced through the house singing "Consider Yourself At Home." The fact that my brain has held on to these lyrics for 20 years now is why I can't remember important shit.

Recently, I’ve been doing some unhealthy binge-eating brought on by a combination of stress and my need to cope with the depressing pile of garbage that is Fall. Unsurprisingly, I weighed myself the other day and was at the heaviest I’ve ever been. I was so upset about this that I ate cookies for breakfast.

I was waiting in line for the bathroom at this concert and there was a guy right in the middle of the bathroom mean-mugging me and doing what I can only describe as "aggressively drying his hands." I don't even know what's happening.

My fiancée gets really concerned about food safety and how long leftovers have been in the fridge or food items have been left sitting out. I, on the other hand, don’t worry much about it because of my many years of living the bachelor lifestyle. However, I never give any questionable items to the kids because I know they have lower fortitude saves.

There is a set of train tracks in between my work and my house. And I swear that no matter what time I try to go to lunch I get stopped by a train. It really derails my lunch plans.

Pretty sure that every parent who has watched their child struggle to put on a coat has, if only for a brief moment, worried that they may be raising an idiot.

So the kids go to a Christian after-school program (not by choice, it's what was available). And sometimes they come home with activities they've done based on bible stories. Today, Abby brought home this picture she drew of a decapitated corpse. #LetUsPray

Was getting ready to watch the Blues game tonight and Henry asked "Why do we always have to watch hockey?" So, if anyone knows of a good home for him to go to, let me know. He's relatively tidy, kinda quiet, decent grades, bit of a picky eater. If no takers, I may just pin a note to his shirt and drop him off at the grocery store. #IHaveFailedAsAParent

I cannot emphasize enough how badly I need Facebook to implement an eyeroll react.

We use my Xbox to watch Netflix at home and now the kids have started regularly referring to me by my Xbox Live Gamertag.

Got together with my fiancée's family today to do some pumpkin carving. Guess which work of art is mine.

Yesterday my fiancée and I took our engagement pictures. Thanks to a combination of hangover and whatever illness is currently spreading around, I was able to remind her exactly why she made the right decision in choosing to marry me: by puking into a bush mid photo shoot.

My son threw up in the car a couple of days ago and, despite multiple cleanings, the smell is still persistent. I’ve taken to Google to look up remedies for this situation and I’ve seen suggestions of using a bowl of vinegar or a box of baking soda. Not sure if these will actually take care of the smell or if the internet is just trying to trick me into making a volcano.

                Hopefully the smell goes away by the time I write my next joke round up.  I did try both the baking soda and vinegar, then used the opportunity to make a volcano anyway after it failed to rid my car of the stench.  I definitely got more enjoyment out of it than the kids did.  Let’s all try to have a great November despite the fact that I’m sure every retail establishment has begun playing Christmas music on repeat already.