Thursday, November 1, 2018

October 2018 Joke Round-Up

                 Boy, this month started out slow with the jokes.  I was having a rough go of it.  Seems like I finally remembered how the hell to write a joke in the last half of the month though.  Lot of inspiration from the kids this month, despite the fact that late in the month I realized I’m a failure as a parent.  I tried to give away one of the kids even before he puked in the car.   Anyways, here’s the jokes.

Tonight we went out for dinner at the pub & eatery where I spent the better part of my 20s. Henry passed out in his chair. So proud that he's following in his daddy's footsteps.

Watching my son wander around the classroom aimlessly when his Cub Scout pack was told to break off and form small groups brought back some stressful school memories. I felt that in my soul.

Personally, I find the Supreme Court to be a misleading name because it doesn't even have peppers and mushrooms on it. Lot of sausage, though.

I bought some chocolate cookies with brownies inside and holy shit. Forget flying cars, this is the future we've all been waiting for.

Sometimes I put toilet paper down on the toilet seat in my own house, not because it's dirty but because I don't want my butt to be cold. #Confession

My eating habits have gotten a little bit healthier since moving in with my fiancée. For instance, I used to make popcorn every night. Now I almost never make it; not because I don't want popcorn but because I don't want to share it. #Confession

My fiancée and I have talking about getting a dog and what kinds of dogs we would want. I definitely don't want a Great Dane, but could probably handle an Okay Dane.

I hate fall and this poll sucked so I fixed it.

Because puppies don't look like Danny DeVito.

The kids are working on homework for their music class. I'm digging those facts.

When I was in elementary school I played an orphan extra in the high school's production of Oliver Twist. This morning I danced through the house singing "Consider Yourself At Home." The fact that my brain has held on to these lyrics for 20 years now is why I can't remember important shit.

Recently, I’ve been doing some unhealthy binge-eating brought on by a combination of stress and my need to cope with the depressing pile of garbage that is Fall. Unsurprisingly, I weighed myself the other day and was at the heaviest I’ve ever been. I was so upset about this that I ate cookies for breakfast.

I was waiting in line for the bathroom at this concert and there was a guy right in the middle of the bathroom mean-mugging me and doing what I can only describe as "aggressively drying his hands." I don't even know what's happening.

My fiancée gets really concerned about food safety and how long leftovers have been in the fridge or food items have been left sitting out. I, on the other hand, don’t worry much about it because of my many years of living the bachelor lifestyle. However, I never give any questionable items to the kids because I know they have lower fortitude saves.

There is a set of train tracks in between my work and my house. And I swear that no matter what time I try to go to lunch I get stopped by a train. It really derails my lunch plans.

Pretty sure that every parent who has watched their child struggle to put on a coat has, if only for a brief moment, worried that they may be raising an idiot.

So the kids go to a Christian after-school program (not by choice, it's what was available). And sometimes they come home with activities they've done based on bible stories. Today, Abby brought home this picture she drew of a decapitated corpse. #LetUsPray

Was getting ready to watch the Blues game tonight and Henry asked "Why do we always have to watch hockey?" So, if anyone knows of a good home for him to go to, let me know. He's relatively tidy, kinda quiet, decent grades, bit of a picky eater. If no takers, I may just pin a note to his shirt and drop him off at the grocery store. #IHaveFailedAsAParent

I cannot emphasize enough how badly I need Facebook to implement an eyeroll react.

We use my Xbox to watch Netflix at home and now the kids have started regularly referring to me by my Xbox Live Gamertag.

Got together with my fiancée's family today to do some pumpkin carving. Guess which work of art is mine.

Yesterday my fiancée and I took our engagement pictures. Thanks to a combination of hangover and whatever illness is currently spreading around, I was able to remind her exactly why she made the right decision in choosing to marry me: by puking into a bush mid photo shoot.

My son threw up in the car a couple of days ago and, despite multiple cleanings, the smell is still persistent. I’ve taken to Google to look up remedies for this situation and I’ve seen suggestions of using a bowl of vinegar or a box of baking soda. Not sure if these will actually take care of the smell or if the internet is just trying to trick me into making a volcano.

                Hopefully the smell goes away by the time I write my next joke round up.  I did try both the baking soda and vinegar, then used the opportunity to make a volcano anyway after it failed to rid my car of the stench.  I definitely got more enjoyment out of it than the kids did.  Let’s all try to have a great November despite the fact that I’m sure every retail establishment has begun playing Christmas music on repeat already.


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