Boy, this month started out slow with the jokes. I was having a rough go of it. Seems like I finally remembered how the hell to write a joke in the last half of the month though. Lot of inspiration from the kids this month, despite the fact that late in the month I realized I’m a failure as a parent. I tried to give away one of the kids even before he puked in the car. Anyways, here’s the jokes.
10/5
Tonight we went out for dinner at the pub &
eatery where I spent the better part of my 20s. Henry passed out in his chair.
So proud that he's following in his daddy's footsteps.
10/6
Watching my son wander around the classroom
aimlessly when his Cub Scout pack was told to break off and form small groups
brought back some stressful school memories. I felt that in my soul.
10/7
Personally, I find the Supreme Court to be a
misleading name because it doesn't even have peppers and mushrooms on it. Lot
of sausage, though.
10/11
I bought some chocolate cookies with brownies
inside and holy shit. Forget flying cars, this is the future we've all been
waiting for.
10/13
Sometimes I put toilet paper down on the toilet
seat in my own house, not because it's dirty but because I don't want my butt
to be cold. #Confession
10/13
My eating habits have gotten a little bit
healthier since moving in with my fiancée. For instance, I used to make popcorn
every night. Now I almost never make it; not because I don't want popcorn but
because I don't want to share it. #Confession
10/13
My fiancée and I have talking about getting a dog
and what kinds of dogs we would want. I definitely don't want a Great Dane, but
could probably handle an Okay Dane.
10/19
I hate fall and this poll sucked so I fixed it.
10/19
Because puppies don't look like Danny DeVito.
10/20
The kids are working on homework for their music
class. I'm digging those facts.
10/20
When I was in elementary school I played an
orphan extra in the high school's production of Oliver Twist. This morning I
danced through the house singing "Consider Yourself At Home." The
fact that my brain has held on to these lyrics for 20 years now is why I can't
remember important shit.
10/22
Recently, I’ve been doing some unhealthy
binge-eating brought on by a combination of stress and my need to cope with the
depressing pile of garbage that is Fall. Unsurprisingly, I weighed myself the
other day and was at the heaviest I’ve ever been. I was so upset about this
that I ate cookies for breakfast.
10/23
I was waiting in line for the bathroom at this
concert and there was a guy right in the middle of the bathroom mean-mugging me
and doing what I can only describe as "aggressively drying his
hands." I don't even know what's happening.
10/24
My fiancée gets really concerned about food
safety and how long leftovers have been in the fridge or food items have been
left sitting out. I, on the other hand, don’t worry much about it because of my
many years of living the bachelor lifestyle. However, I never give any
questionable items to the kids because I know they have lower fortitude saves.
10/24
There is a set of train tracks in between my work
and my house. And I swear that no matter what time I try to go to lunch I get
stopped by a train. It really derails my lunch plans.
10/25
Pretty sure that every parent who has watched
their child struggle to put on a coat has, if only for a brief moment, worried
that they may be raising an idiot.
10/25
So the kids go to a Christian after-school
program (not by choice, it's what was available). And sometimes they come home
with activities they've done based on bible stories. Today, Abby brought home
this picture she drew of a decapitated corpse. #LetUsPray
10/25
Was getting ready to watch the Blues game tonight
and Henry asked "Why do we always have to watch hockey?" So, if
anyone knows of a good home for him to go to, let me know. He's relatively
tidy, kinda quiet, decent grades, bit of a picky eater. If no takers, I may
just pin a note to his shirt and drop him off at the grocery store. #IHaveFailedAsAParent
10/26
I cannot emphasize enough how badly I need
Facebook to implement an eyeroll react.
10/26
We use my Xbox to watch Netflix at home and now
the kids have started regularly referring to me by my Xbox Live Gamertag.
10/28
Got together with my fiancée's family today to do
some pumpkin carving. Guess which work of art is mine.
10/29
Yesterday my fiancée and I took our engagement
pictures. Thanks to a combination of hangover and whatever illness is currently
spreading around, I was able to remind her exactly why she made the right
decision in choosing to marry me: by puking into a bush mid photo shoot.
10/30
My son threw up in the car a couple of days ago
and, despite multiple cleanings, the smell is still persistent. I’ve taken to
Google to look up remedies for this situation and I’ve seen suggestions of
using a bowl of vinegar or a box of baking soda. Not sure if these will actually
take care of the smell or if the internet is just trying to trick me into
making a volcano.
Hopefully
the smell goes away by the time I write my next joke round up. I did try both the baking soda and vinegar,
then used the opportunity to make a volcano anyway after it failed to rid my
car of the stench. I definitely got more
enjoyment out of it than the kids did.
Let’s all try to have a great November despite the fact that I’m sure
every retail establishment has begun playing Christmas music on repeat already.
-Ryan
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