If you’ve followed me for a while,
it’s no secret that I hate fall. There
are plenty of good reasons to hate fall, but it can all be summed up by this:
fall is a bullshit season with bullshit weather. “But Ryan, *insert bullshit reason why fall
supposedly doesn’t suck even though everyone already knows that fall is
garbage*.” Okay, first of all, you’re
still wrong. And secondly, that’s not
even what this is about so stop having fake arguments in your head, Ryan.
What this post is actually about is
jeans. Inevitably, during this time of
year there will be people prattling on about how excited they are to wear jeans
and a hoodie. But why? And why are people so excited about wearing
jeans on “casual Friday”? Jeans are not
comfortable and I cannot figure out why people think they are.
Part of it, I think, is that people
confuse casual with comfortable. I mean,
jeans are certainly casual, there’s no denying that (unless you’re at a wedding
near where I live, because inevitably you will see some redneck in his dress
jeans), but comfort is not something I’d associate with denim. In fact, jeans weren’t even designed to be
comfortably, they were designed to be durable.
So you’re misappropriating their use!
And I say this while also fully
admitting that I am a person who owns multiple pairs of jeans, but if I’m
wanting comfortable pants my dress pants are actually more comfortable than my
jeans. The only caveat to that is that I
usually have to wear nice things to go along with my dress pants; the shoes and
shirts associated with my dress pants are less comfortable than the shoes and
shirt I wear with jeans. Is that
everyone’s problem? Jeans just get
lumped in with comfort by being the least comfortable part of a casual outfit?
Circling back to my initial reason
for writing this, I do get quite annoyed when people are excited for fall
because they “can’t wait to wear jeans and hoodies.” Fuck that! The shorts and t-shirt I wear in
summer is comfortable as all shit. Why
would you be excited to put on less comfortable clothing? This is a world where people are constantly
sharing social media posts saying “I CAN’T WAIT TO TAKE MY PANTS AND BRA OFF AS
SOON AS I GET HOME!” I’m not sitting in
my living room in a comfy t-shirt thinking, “FUCK, I SHOULD PUT ON A TIE RIGHT
NOW BECAUSE THOSE THINGS ROCK!” Is there
someone sitting in their yard wearing some nice, freeing, comfy ass flip-flops
thinking, “Yeah, this toe freedom is nice, but some snow boots would be dope
right now”? Outside of ridiculous stock
photos, are there people who just absolutely love laying around the house in
jeans rather than some sort of actually comfortably attire?
Look at these fucking losers.
Meanwhile, while society is lauding
the (imaginary) virtues of jeans, you know what’s really getting unnecessarily
shit on? (Side note: this would be a good time to note that you should not shit
on or in your pants. Or anyone else’s).
Cargo pants/shorts. It’s dumb, it’s awful and it’s not fair that this
absolute godsend of a trouser catches so make flak while people extoll the
virtues of jeans. Seriously, look at any
sort of article about men’s fashion and you’ll see some obvious know-nothing
talking smack on cargoes.
Firstly, cargo shorts/pants are
often khaki, which means firstly that they’re more comfortable denim and
secondly, that they’re a neutral color so you can essentially just wear them
with anything and it’s probably not gonna clash (don’t go 100% on that because
I am by no means a fashion icon, just a dude that loves him some cargo
pants). And of course, most importantly,
the pockets. Do you know how much stuff
I can carry in all those pockets? All
the stuff. In fact, I’m almost positive
that every single article written by someone shit-talking cargo pants/shorts is
someone who is just jealous that they have to carry stuff in their hands like a
fucking animal instead of putting them in all those glorious pockets like an
intellectually advanced member of society.
I once fit an entire 12 pack of
beer into the pockets of my cargo shorts, then climbed a tree and sat up in
that tree drinking those beers from my cargo pockets. And I did it in absolute comfort. When I’m at a concert and I buy merch or at a
hockey game with a free giveaway item but don’t want to hold my swag all game,
I just put that shit right in my cargo pockets then my hands are free to flip
the bird at all the chumps who either didn’t think ahead or were shunned by
society into not wearing cargoes. I so
firmly support cargo pants that I wore them in my engagement pictures and not
only did they look fantastic and feel super comfy, but I carried all of mine
and my fiancée’s stuff in them, too.
My fiancée wore jeans because she has
bad taste. Also why she chose to marry
me.
As you can see from the picture, we
had our engagement shoot during the fall, which I fucking hate. So the only things that allowed me to smile
for these pictures in the midst of such an awful season were the amazing pair
of trousers I was wearing and the amazing woman I got to take the pictures
with.
Just to further stress my point, I
made a very scientific scatter chart.
Fig. 1: Extremely Scientific
Now, as you can see from this, if
you’re wearing dress pants typically at work, the logical step for casual
Friday is to give up a bit in the way of public opinion for noticeably more
comfort than jeans. And of course, as
I’ve already covered, fuck the public’s acceptance of cargoes because they’re
wrong and they should feel bad. Now, if
you’re really looking to balk at what the public finds acceptable, you could
always go with one of the choices in the upper left area. I do think it’s worth noting that I put nude
as less comfortable than pajama pants because that little bit of fabric can
protect you from cool breezes, hot car seats or even bee stings. I definitely would not recommend the banana
hammock, as it offers neither comfort nor public acceptance.
At the end of the day, all I’m
trying to say is that if you like jeans more than khaki cargo pants, then
you’re just absolutely wrong. And this
is the hill I will die on, because I keep all the reasons why I am write in the
numerous pockets of my comfortable pants.
-Ryan
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