Saturday, December 1, 2018

November 2018 Joke Round-Up

               As far as months go, November was one of them.  I’m still dealing with the after-effects of Henry barfing in the car.  I found new and exciting ways to embarrass myself in front of family on Thanksgiving, I actually wrote a new article for the first time in forever and I got to teach the general public a little something about jizzed up mattresses.  Anyways, here are the jokes.

The kids got really good remarks from their parent-teacher conferences, so I let them pick what they wanted for dinner. They picked McDonald's. I'm gonna need them to either start liking salads or start doing poorly at school if I'm going to maintain healthy eating habits.

On the one hand, it’s definitely nice to see so many people proudly voting today as they post their “I voted” selfies on Facebook. On the other hand, there are a few of these people that I wish would have just stayed home because I don’t trust them to tie their own shoes properly, let alone make an educated decision about the governance of a country. #MixedFeelings

I've reached a point in my life where making conversation with someone involves just talking about how tired we both are.

We have an alarm on our refrigerator that is supposed to let us know when someone forgets to close the door all the way, but what it really does is alert the entire house of when I'm gorging myself on leftovers after everyone else has gone to bed.

In my excitement over the Bohemian Rhapsody movie and my love for Queen, I opted to dress as Freddie Mercury to go see the movie. This meant shaving off my beard.
I have learned in no uncertain terms that this is not a face my fiancée could grow to love.

Personally, I think the most important thing that Catholicism has contributed to humanity is the movie Sister Act.

We were playing Jackbox and I had to assure my fiancée that the game had no idea what it was talking about.

The real winners of Monopoly are the people that run out of money first because they don't have to spend the next several hours playing Monopoly.

Last night after getting their teeth brushed and pajamas on I told the kids to go to bed. Abby started crying because she was too tired. I have some serious concerns about her problem-solving skills.

Wanted to use this frame I had to put out a family picture at work. Now my family consists of me, Abby, Henry and Iron Man apparently.

The kids wrote a story about me. I feel...loved?

*kids come running into our room and jump on our bed at 7 a.m.*
Me: "Geez, I was hoping to sleep in and relax this morning."
Abby: "Not today!"

My family is coming to mine and my fiancée's house for Thanksgiving today. It's the first time my family has ever celebrated the occasion at my place and I'm pretty sure it's because they expected me to serve a dinner of pizza, hot dogs and ramen.

Going the extra mile for my family.

A little over a month ago I had some old friends over to the house and we were playing the new Jackbox Party Pack 5. One of the games on the pack is called Patently Stupid and if you've never played it before the premise is that you are given a bizarre, player-submitted problem and you have to come up with a ridiculous invention to solve that problem. During the game one of the prompts sent to me was "I wish I could get drunk faster" so, like any rational person would, I drew a beer being poured into a beer bong that was inserted into a butt. And I gave this product a completely appropriate name. Yesterday, Henry gave the following drawing to my dad and step mom as a suggested Christmas gift for me.

On days when it warms up a little and the sun beats down on my windshield, the smell of Henry's vomit makes a triumphant return in my car. It's pretty much the only thing that's ever made me appreciate the colder temperatures of winter and fall. Because of that, I can only assume that people who enjoy those seasons must have had someone puke in their car, too.

Something that I think many people don't know is that the warranty on their mattress is voided if there is any discoloration or staining on it. In accordance with this, we have to inspect every mattress return at work with a handheld blacklight to insure that we get credit from the vendor. Those of us who regularly have to use it affectionately refer this blacklight as Ol' Jizzy.

                I have actually been (somewhat) diligently working on a couple more new articles for this blog and I can absolutely guarantee that at least one of them will be posted midway through this month.  Stay tuned.


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