Thursday, March 1, 2018

February 2018 Joke Round-Up

                February is already over, which isn’t surprising because it is the shortest month but it is welcome because it is usually the shittiest month (it’s right in the middle of winter, which you already know I hate).  There was tragedy, there was Olympic fervor, there was political nonsense.  And in the midst of all that, there were some jokes.

Overheard the kids talking. 
Henry: "I wish Mario was real."
Abby: "Yeah, well, he's not."

Maybe I'm just being nostalgic but...
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."
"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
"They misunderestimated me,"
"There's an old saying in Tennessee. I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee that says, 'Fool me once, shame on ... shame on you. Fool me... You can't get fooled again!'"
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
"Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women."
Does anyone else miss the golden days when these were the dumbest/craziest things ever said by a sitting president?

Pro Tip: if you get added to a Facebook group asking for addresses for wedding invitations, take this opportunity to sign strangers up to receive glitter and gummy penises. They will appreciate the anonymous gifts.

It's gonna be a long walk.

Valentine's Day boxes seem like they're the new Pinewood Derby car in terms of children's projects that parents take over and over-complicate.
Both my Valentine's Day box and my Pinewood Derby car were absolutely garbage, but grade school me at least had the satisfaction of knowing that I created that garbage all by myself.

Came across this angry vegan. This might be a good argument if anyone was eating meals comprised of only meat, instead of balanced diets. #AtLeastYouTried

One thing I really enjoy about having a girlfriend is hearing about how badly I was farting in my sleep last night.

I saw an interview with the parents of an Olympian discussing why they felt she was so successful with her sport. It included a video of her when she was younger skating on a quarter pipe that was built on the tennis court in their backyard. The parents named many reasons as to why their daughter was successful, like her willingness to try new things and how they let her be a bit of a daredevil within the confines of safety. But they never mentioned the positive impact of HAVING THE MONEY TO BUILD A QUARTER PIPE ON THE TENNIS COURT IN THEIR BACKYARD.

People who want to arm teachers so they can double as security guards have obviously never played Dungeons & Dragons. It's common knowledge that any time you multiclass a character it's going to be weaker at both specialties.

Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow's "lifestyle brand" company, recently promoted a $135 coffee enema kit. Pretty sure a $1 coffee cleans me out well enough the normal way.

Let me call my buddy who's an expert on goalies.

My transition from a lonely guy making awful decisions into a relationship-having dude with dad-like responsibilities has been a strange one.  And one thing I’ve learned is that my experience with drunk people has actually given me tons of patience for kids because they’re basically the same thing.  More on that later.