Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Dating Performance Review

                At a certain point on this blog, it goes without saying that I have a bit of a storied history in the world of dating.  If you haven’t picked up on that yet, you must be new here and I suggest you go back and read about what an undateable buffoon I really am (go on, I’ve got time).  Now, while I may have some unique stories about dating, I think that I do have one particular shortcoming in common with a lot of the general dating populace: I have trouble discerning whether or not the other party had a good time on the date.   In fact, a while back I was discussing this very issue with one of my friends who jokingly suggested that I ask the girl to fill out of comment card to fill out after the date where she could rate her experience.  Now, while I am (probably) not ridiculous enough to actually hand out a performance review after a date (on second thought, I can't really guarantee that at all) that does not mean that I’m not ridiculous enough to actually spend the time to make one.   And because, as I previously said, I know I can’t be the only one that’s unable to read how much your date is enjoying themselves, I thought it would be appropriate to share this document with everyone else on the off chance that someone else actually is bold (or desperate) enough to use it.
Click to enlarge/enhance (that's what she said?)

There you have it.  Feel free to print off a few of these and bring them along to have your next date fill out at the end of the night.  Probably a good idea to have her fax you the completed form when she’s done.


Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Broken Pinky

                Let’s have a short and sweet story that involves somebody else’s drunken pain, shall we?  Though he wasn’t the focus of the story, you may remember Double D from the story Mexican Bathroom.  Well, for this story, he gets to be the star of the show.

                The story starts like many others: with a non-descript night of irresponsible drinking.  And as the night wore on, much like many other similar nights, at a certain point the drunken mind decides that eating all the food ever is the only acceptable course of action left to take.  Of course, we’re not totally irresponsible or complete morons (debatable), so our small group decided that the best plan would be to walk to the local 24 hour diner in town, Buzzies.   It wasn’t a particularly far walk and shouldn’t have really been too hazardous, but sometimes shit happens and tonight was a fine example of that.  Really, the only obstacle along the way was crossing over some train tracks that are actually inset into the street, so they’re supposed to be pretty easy to just walk over.  Supposed to be.  Despite the low difficulty-level of crossing these tracks, Double D managed to trip over them and fall down.

                The fall didn’t look all the bad to everyone else, but Double D was howling in pain and claiming that he had broken his hand.  Well, that was all fine and dandy, but these train tracks are literally 50 feet from Buzzies and life is all about priorities so we told him to suck it up, come get some breakfast and maybe we’d think about looking at his hand after everyone had a full belly.  He was not okay with this, but this is a democracy and he was outvoted so we dragged him along to the diner.  Inside, as everyone perused the menu he continued to cry about his hand hurting (the big baby).  Now, nobody there was a doctor but we figured we go ahead and take a look anyways because there wasn't a single one of us there who hadn't watched either House, ER or Scrubs and we assumed that was enough medical knowledge to handle this situation.  His pinky finger was bent in a way that did look unnatural and probably quite painful (in our expert medical opinions), but we were already there and nobody (except Double D) was willing to leave without getting some food.  My buddy AJ gave the pinky a quick tug, then used a couple of butter knives, some napkins and straw wrappers to MacGyver together a splint for Double D’s finger (because that's what friends are for). 

                We stole some silverware from the next table over (since ours was being used to keep Double D’s finger straight) and sat eating our meal.  Double D may or may not have gotten some tears in his biscuits and gravy, but it was a dire situation and we will not judge a man for that.  After breakfast was finished and paid for, we began the walk to the hospital (because this clearly wasn’t an emergency as we had just sat and eaten a bunch of food rather than immediately seeking medical attention).  We set out across town on this journey, having stolen the butter knives from Buzzies to keep as the splint on Double D's pinky. 

                At the hospital, the doctor confirmed what Double D had said from the get-go, that his pinky was broken (seriously, who drunkenly falls on train tracks and breaks their pinky?).  He also asked who had fashioned the butter-knife splint, which AJ owned up to.  The doctor looked at him and in all seriousness said, “Nice job on that splint.”

The pinky eventually healed up, but I'm pretty sure Double D's pinky aches any time he smells maple syrup now.


Friday, April 1, 2016

March 2016 Joke Round-Up

                I felt like I was a little light on joke inspiration this month.  And, in putting together the round up, it would appear I was right.  Or maybe all of my creativity is drying up and I’ll soon just be a shell of the man I once was.  Who knows?  Here’s the past month’s jokes.

A true showing of testosterone: playing hockey and following it up by jamming in the car to Backstreet Boys, NSYNC and Hanson.

Had a guy in drag tell me my beard is perfect. These are the moments I live for.

#Knuckles just got yelled at by a cop for throwing away a full beer.

Deep down I think one of my biggest motivators to keep writing is so that I eventually hit the big-time and find someone who likes me for my money, because my looks and personality don't seem to be cutting it.

Kyle: "Never make someone a priority if they make you an option."
Me: "Never make someone a grilled cheese sandwich if they're an asshole."

I'm a pretty generous person; I like doing cool shit for others. But I'm also kinda petty and like doing cool shit for myself in front of people who burn me.

I'm pretty awful at picking up on signals that a woman is interested in me but I am top notch at noticing when she is not interested.

Dudders: "It's tough to be the other guy in an all-guy relationship."

People are always so quick to say a baby looks "just like" its mother or father. How do they see this? I don't think babies look like anyone. I think they just look like other babies.

I was watching TV and saw a commercial for that Farmer's Only dating site where the "country girl" catches the "city girl" with a fishing line and drags her out of a boat and across the lake. Ignoring the fact that I think that's a very rude thing to do, what is the tensile strength on that fishing line? Because I have broken plenty of lines on tree branches. I catch a lot of tree branches.
I am bad at fishing.

Pretty sure if I was a UFC fighter my intro music would be Spice Girls "Wannabe." Seems like a great way to psyche out my opponent.

I have to drink the beer in my fridge so we have room to put food in there. I don't even want to drink today, I'm just doing it as a public service.


Air drumming to Boston in my car at a red light. See a kid in the car next to me making a recording of it with his phone. Keep drumming

I typically don't get too hung up when I'm rejected by a woman because I know there are still plenty more ladies out there just waiting to turn me down.

We're having a potluck at work to celebrate several people's birthdays this month. I have eaten so much that I want to die. Naturally, I'm about to go back for my 9th serving.

I think people are so used to me telling jokes that they can't tell when I'm being serious anymore. For instance, any time I make a reference to not knowing what the hell I'm doing, that's me seriously not knowing what the hell I'm doing.

I found an article called "14 Fun Facts About Daylight Saving Time." The article then went on to talk about how DST increases risks of stroke, increases fatalaccidents, and has other adverse effects on health and wellness.
Apparently, the author and I have very different ideas of what constitutes a "fun" fact.

In case you missed that time that I was on Saved by the Bell.

Dating is kind of like a job search for me. On paper, I'm seemingly over qualified despite not knowing what the hell I'm doing. And on the rare occasion that I find what seems to be a good fit, I blow it in the interview.

I voted today, but #‎Knuckles did not vote because he hates America.

Honestly, unless your baby is dressed as Mr. T, riding a miniature rhinocerous, lifting a Volkswagen over its head or something else equally badass, I don't need to see a new picture of it just sitting there every day.

My car died.  I wasn't really sure what to do with it, so I pushed it to the dumpster behind my apartment and left it there.

I started my day by making stupid faces and shooty gun-fingers at myself in the bathroom mirror this morning. I think I'm gonna be pretty good at being 29.

Today's hangover report: I feel better than I expected but worse than I would like.

I just got carded while trying to buy pants. I swore to the cashier that I was old enough but she said she needed to see my ID for these Levi's anyways.

I had to buy new pants today because at my party last night I ripped a hole in these, then took that as an opportunity to tear the pants apart Hulk Hogan style and spend the next hour or so wandering around the party wearing the remnants, which was basically just a waistband with pockets. #‎Classy

My cousin showed up to the party last night with McNuggets. If you don't know why that's important, then you need to go back and read The Nugget Run and The Roundabout.

A lot of weddings have a "couples dance" where all the couples get out on the dance floor and then get systematically eliminated until the couple who has been together the longest is the only one left. I think they should add in a singles dance like that, too. By the end of the song it's just me dancing out there by myself.

I went to the grocery store and felt proud of myself because I didn't freak out about how much I was spending or even bother looking at my receipt. Then I remembered that I was just buying milk and bread. I'm financially secure enough that I can comfortably buy basic staples of survival. Ladies...? #‎Baller

Sometimes I'm so stupid, I'm surprised that I haven't drowned in the shower yet.

I woke up well before my alarm this morning and laid in bed wide awake for a solid 45 minutes contemplating just getting up and starting my day. When my alarm went off, still wide awake and ready to go, I hit snooze anyways. 3 times. What am I even doing with my life?

2 Fast 2 Furious is my Citizen Kane

I'm so festive.

Coworker: "My computer screen just went black."
Me: "And now it won't go back?"

Why are people worried about building a wall on the Mexican border but not the Canadian one? Canada sent us both Nickelback and Justin Bieber. Pretty clear who the real threat to America is.

I try to give a girl at least 2 dates to make an impression but after the first date they all seem to have the consensus that seeing me a second time is not worth the free dinner.

was talking to a girl who said she wanted a guy that was tall, dark and handsome. So I asked her if 2 out of 3 was alright.

Still plenty of brand new posts in the planning/writing/procrastinating stages.  Keep checking back!