Tuesday, March 8, 2016

The Nugget Run & The Roundabout

                It’s been a while since I’ve posted a story involving #Knuckles.  This particular story happened several years ago, but I hadn’t posted it yet because I had minimal involvement in the actual events of the story so I had to work extra hard to make sure I accurately recounted all of the events (because I have integrity!). 

                This story starts like countless other events in my early twenties: having a large group of friends over to play Drink the Beer in my dad’s basement.  Really, though, how we got drunk isn’t as important as what we did when we were drunk: which was to simultaneously all demand some Chicken McNuggets (drunken minds think alike).  The major problem with this was that nearly the entire party was far too drunk to even attempt going anywhere.  The exception to this was my cousin Victoria.  Through a combination of her (relative) sobriety and our peer pressure, Vic was elected as the chosen one to venture out into the night and acquire McNuggets for all of us.  #Knuckles, visibly drunk, volunteered to ride along with her (presumably) to the dismay of Victoria.  Meanwhile, I and several others collapsed into drunken piles on whatever piece of furniture or floor space we could find while we waited for the warm happiness of McNuggets to grace our bellies.

                This is where everyone’s plans were shot down by the cruel hand of fate.  Victoria made it halfway to McDonald’s and was pulled over en route to our delicious, golden-fried prize.   See, it just so happened that it was prom night for all the high schoolers in town, so the police were out looking to bust kids partying and in their fervor to round up all the teenage hooligans, had set their sights on Victoria and #Knuckles.  It was pretty clear from the start that they were not teenagers, but it was also pretty clear that #Knuckles was wasted and the cops presumed that Victoria probably was as well.   After a short exchange in which the officer revealed that he had pulled over Victoria for not using her blinker in the town roundabout (yes, you read that right: she was pulled over for not using her blinker in a traffic circle where you are only allowed to go one way), the cops had Victoria perform a field sobriety test; which she passed.  Still not entirely convinced of her sobriety, they administered a breathalyzer test: which she also passed with a .05 (for anyone not aware, you must be below .08 to legally drive….also, kids, don’t drink and drive.  Learn from our mistakes).  This right here is where things took an interesting turn.  The cops then decided that they still did not want Victoria to drive, so they told her she’d have to wait there with them until she got someone else to come pick her up.  What. The. Fuck.

                As I lay on my basement floor amidst and hastily strewn about pile of blankets, I hear my phone ring, notice through my drunken haze that it is Victoria and immediately answer the call, “Yeah, make sure to get Sweet & Sour with those nugs.”   Unfortunately, Victoria informed me that she had been pulled over and needed someone to come pick her up.  My immediate response to this was to ask, “Did you get the nuggets?”  She had not gotten the nuggets.

                She explained the situation to me; all the while I could hear #Knuckles absolutely losing his mind in the background as he screamed, “THIS IS BULLSHIT?  WHY ARE WE BEING DETAINED?!  THIS IS AGAINST MY CIVIL RIGHTS.  I’M AN AMERICAN CITIZEN.  YOU CAN’T DO THIS,” and Victoria kept turning away from the phone to tell him to shut the hell up.   I got off the phone with Victoria and immediately called my friend Hobbit, who was at home, in bed, sober as a bird.  He, being a damn saint, agreed to drive across town to pick up Victoria and #Knuckles.  Here is where the story gets extra stupid, though.  The cops did not want Victoria to leave her car just sitting on the shoulder where she had been pulled over.  But Victoria drives a manual and neither officer knew how to drive stick, so despite the fact that they felt she was not capable of safely driving home, they made her get in her car and drive it down the road to a parking lot where she could leave it.  Seriously.  This happened. 

                With Victoria’s car safely moved and #Knuckles’ smart-ass mouth miraculously not having been beaten shut with a billy club, Hobbit arrived at the scene, loaded the two of them up into his car and brought them back to my place to pass out for the night.  As soon as they walked in the door, the first thing I said was, “So you got the nuggets, right?”

They had not gotten the nuggets.  Bastards.


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