Tuesday, March 17, 2015

100 Bits of Wisdom From Ryan Rick

       I’ve seen a few posts being shared online about “100 Great Pieces of Advice” or “The 100 Best Bits of Wisdom” and I thought this was really something that I could horn in.  And since today is my birthday, I thought it would be a really appropriate time to share some of the things that I’ve learned in my 28 years on this planet.  Because this list is 100 items long, I’m going to keep the intro short.  So without further ado, here are 100 Bits of Wisdom From Ryan Rick:

1.       Don’t shit the bed (figuratively or literally).
2.       Irish coffee exists for a reason.
3.       Dogs will always love you more than your significant other does.
4.       Hot wings are meant to be messy.  Embrace it.
5.       Keep wet wipes under your bathroom sink.  Your butt will thank you.
6.       A six-pack is never enough.
7.       You can forget how to ride a bike.
8.       It’s never wrong to order a side of bacon.
9.       Wear good underwear.
10.   Use the word “swashbuckling.”
11.   Yes, farts are funny.  No, this does not make you immature.
12.   Always know where the closest gas station is.
13.   Plan on 2 pairs of socks per day.
14.   Make sure there is at least 1 person drunker than you at any event.
15.   Buy 2 silk ties.  Even if you don’t wear them to work.
16.   Designate a party shirt.
17.   Nobody has time for shoelaces.
18.   Argyle socks are the classiest thing you can put on your feet.
19.   Know how to read.
20.   Know how to bullshit.
21.   If you have to pee outside, know which way the wind is blowing.
22.   Clear your internet browser history.
23.   Know how to change your own oil.  Be able to pay someone else to do it.
24.   When you go to a new place, scope out the bathroom situation immediately.
25.   At least once in your life, drink a 64oz margarita by yourself.
26.   Don’t always text first.
27.   Don’t always wait for her to text first.
28.   Swimsuits are not always necessary for pool parties.  But you should ask first.
29.   Recycle
30.   Don’t be a beer snob.   Nobody cares.
31.   If you tell stories about how cool you are, nobody will think you’re cool.
32.   You are not as smart as you think you are.
33.   You might be as dumb as you think you are.
34.   Alcohol is not a good therapist.
35.   You can dance if you want to.
36.   Don’t always make the obvious joke.
37.   You can leave your friends behind.
38.   Sometimes it’s okay to make the obvious joke.
39.   Ignore the saying, “Pizza is like sex, even when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.”  That is a bullshit lie.
40.   Know how to match clothes.
41.   You don’t get do-overs in life.  Stop fucking up.
42.   You can live on ramen noodles if you have to.  You won’t die.
43.   Life is too short to suffer a bad haircut. 
44.   Take naps.
45.   You do not look good in a fedora.  Stop wearing one.
46.   Tip your server.  Also draw funny pictures on the receipt.
47.   Don’t drive like a jackass.
48.   Put a Gatorade next to your bed before you go out drinking. 
49.   Keep a hat in your car.  Bad hair days happen.
50.   Try new foods at least twice before deciding you hate them.
51.   Make great first impressions.  They’ll have plenty of time to be disappointed in you after that.
52.   Know how to fight.
53.   Try not to fight.
54.   Have a buddy there to witness the fights that do happen.
55.   Don’t have bad breath.
56.   Don’t use pick-up lines.  Get rejected on your own terms.
57.   Know how to both give and take compliments graciously.
58.   Don’t make or receive phone calls in the bathroom. 
59.   Bathroom text messages are okay.
60.   Don’t just play your favorite songs at the bar.  Play songs that other people like too.  You’ll make more friends that way.
61.   Friends can listen to Endless Love in the dark.
62.   Be aware of what you’re bad at.  It will probably be a long list.
63.   Help someone up when they fall.  It’s okay to laugh while you’re helping.
64.   Eat steak.
65.   Poop at work.  You’re getting paid for it.
66.   You should always aspire to smell nice.
67.   Breakfast is the most important meal to know how to cook.
68.   No matter how poor you are, you can always afford to buy the good toilet paper.
69.   Don’t send dick pics.  Just don’t.
70.   Have at least some idea of what the hell is happening in current events.
71.   That waitress is not flirting with you; she just wants to make a good tip.  Stop hitting on her.
72.   Know all of the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody and Don’t Stop Believin’.
73.   A movie doesn’t have to be objectively “good” to be enjoyable.
74.   Keep a bottle opener on your key ring.  Someday, it will make you a hero.
75.   The most important reason to have kids is so that someone else will mow the lawn and shovel snow.
76.   It’s actually really hard to come up with a list of 100 anything.
77.   Use a condom.  There are a lot of nasty people out there.
78.   Cry in the shower.  Nobody will see your tears.
79.   A beard will conceal the fact that you’re blushing.
80.   Manscaping is important.  Do it.
81.   New people mean new opportunities.  You will not get this on your couch.
82.   Sometimes binge-watching The Office on Netflix is more important than meeting new people.
83.   If someone has babysat you when you’re being a drunken pile of shit; that is your friend.  Cherish them.  Return the favor.
84.   Don’t make a habit out of being a drunken pile of shit.
85.   Wear a belt.
86.   Sometimes it’s cool to just text someone a smiley face.
87.   Know what you’re going to order before you get the bartender’s attention.
88.   If you notice your own body odor, everyone else noticed it a long time ago.
89.   If you don’t know something, Google it.  The internet exists; you have no excuse for being a dumbass.
90.   If you’re really good at your job, people tend to overlook how much you goof off.
91.   Don’t give up without at least trying.  Nobody thought Jamaica could have a bobsled team, either.
92.   Learn how to Moonwalk.
93.   Stop leaving creepy Facebook comments on pretty girls’ pictures.
94.   If you drink someone’s beer, offer to replace it.
95.   There’s always room for popcorn.
96.   Your best friend will never forget that stupid thing you did.
97.   Buy your girlfriend flowers, because you’ve probably already done something wrong.
98.   Cuss words are useful in being expressive.  Don’t be a fucking prude.
99.   The easiest way to cope with most situations is to make a joke about it.
100. Don’t listen to the things I say.  I generally don’t know what the hell I’m talking about.

       With any luck, maybe you’ve learned something profound from this list.  One thing I learned is to never, ever, try to make another list of 100 things again.


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