I know what you’re thinking: that I’m absolutely right and you 100% agree with me on this. Well, I appreciate the support but to prove that my fans’ (plural!) support of me is warranted and not just based on blind loyalty (also to make sure I have new content) I’m going to provide a list of reasons why I’m the obvious answer to this situation. I also want to point out that, while this is coming pretty soon after Jon Stewart’s announcement, this sort of opportunity requires swift action on my part. So, for your consideration I now boldly present to you Top 10 Reasons Why The Daily Show with Ryan Rick Needs to Happen:
1) I’m Camera Friendly
Let’s go straight for the elephant in the room right away: I am not an unfortunate looking human being (at least not until you get to know me). I take a lot of pride in my appearance, including my clothes, my hairstyle and my sweet beard (I use beard oil regularly). I’m not covered in scars and boils (in the interest of not hurting anyone’s feelings, it’s totally okay if you are covered in scars and boils, but you should probably stick to radio) and I don’t have a buttface. These are features that you want to have in a guy who will be the face of the biggest fake news show on television; which brings me to my next point.
2) I Can Fake It
Jon has, on numerous occasions, pointed out to the hypocritically critical (see what I did there?) major news networks that The Daily Show is, at its core, a fake news program. Thankfully, part of Jon’s genius was to actually inform people while entertaining them, instead of just giving them some self-important talking heads that are accidentally entertaining people by virtue of misinforming them. And, here’s the great thing about me: I have no idea what the hell I just said because, even now, I’m faking it. What better figurehead for a fake news program than a guy who is really good at faking it? I will not even attempt to say that I have the same kind of wit, intelligence or vision as Mr. Stewart, but I can guarantee that I can fake all the confidence in the world until you and everyone else believes that I’m on that same level. And I think that’s important.
3) I’m Not a Dumbass
I don’t want anyone to assume that just because I’m good at “faking it” that I don’t do my homework to make sure I know what I’m talking about. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my life (I’m almost certain I’ve learned more than one thing), it’s to not throw my hat in the ring unless I’m fully prepared to actually duke it out. This rule stays the same whether it is a battle with facts, wit, fists or comically large foam swords. Mr. Stewart has built a reputation on The Daily Show for having his facts in order and being well versed on the topics he brings up. I have no intention of tarnishing that reputation for the show. My reasoning for being so diligent about doing my homework is very simple: my level of self-confidence is a very delicately balanced house of cards and if I’m not fully prepared it could easily be toppled and send me into a downward spiral of self-loathing. What this means for me is that I have some severe anxiety issues. What this means for The Daily Show is that it’ll have a host that won’t screw up.
4) I Look Really Authoritative Sitting Behind a Desk
Check this out, it speaks for itself.
I’m not even wearing pants here.
5) I Dabble in Writing
You may have noticed that I have a(minimally) successful blog, of which I am the sole writer. If you haven’t noticed, please take a moment to look around at some of my other successful posts. I try to keep my writing skills sharp through regular updates of this blog, which is done 100% for free on my personal time. Now, think about it, if I’m so dedicated to writing that I do this kind of thing for free, just imagine what kind of product you could expect from me if you were paying me to do it (now you’re intrigued, aren’t you?).
6) I’m Fucking Hilarious
Just like the last point, this is something you may have noticed if you’ve read some of the other entries in my blog. Or if you follow me on Twitter (@RyanRick87) or Facebook. Or if you hang out with me sometimes (not all the time, sometimes I suck). I write a lot of jokes and people seem to think they’re funny (unless it’s all an elaborate ruse because they know how fragile my self-esteem is). I like to believe that I have a small but fiercely loyal following for my sense of humor (I didn’t say it’s true, I said that I like to believe it). And I’m certain that this small group of friends and fans is a good representation of the quality of fan base you can expect from me if you unleash my humor on an audience the size of The Daily Show’s (there’s definitely going to be some poop jokes).
7) I’m Not Shy
Between the studio audience, the television audience and the guests on the show, The Daily Show is a pretty demanding experience for even the most socially capable of people. Now, my blog has a long history of mefailing at doing social things, but there’s one thing that can’t be denied: I’m not shy about it. I thrive on having an audience. I’m not scared to interview a guest. And I certainly wouldn’t be bashful about myself broadcast through television sets and computers far and wide. Life is an artform in itself and I’m living in a Jackson Pollock painting, so I might as well share it with anyone and everyone. At no point will you ever have to rule me out because I’m too embarrassed about interviewing someone or doing a bit in front of such a large audience. I mean, I’m actually willingly sharing some of my most embarrassing and awkward moments in life to anyone who stumbles across this blog. Flubbing a line on camera doesn’t bother me.
This is what my Tuesday looked like.
8) I Have 2 First Names
Seriously, Ryan Rick. It’s a great name. It’s an easy name. It’s a memorable name. Just think how smoothly this rolls off the tongue: The Daily Show with Ryan Rick. If people get tongue-tied trying to remember my name or the name of the show, they’ll say “you know, the show hosted by the guy with 2 first names.” That’s brand recognition right there (I have a marketing degree!). And you know who else has 2 first names? Bruce Wayne. And Clark Kent. Just like Batman and Superman, I will swoop in and save the day in The Daily’s Show’s time of great need. But wait, there’s more. Not only do I have 2 first names, but they’re alliterative. And since the channel is Comedy Central, that’s just more to work with for advertising purposes: “Watch RR tonight on CC” (this is literally the only thing I’ve done with my marketing degree since graduation; definitely a good investment).
9) I’m Ambitious Enough to Want It
How many other people out there are writing lists of all the reasons why they’re the best candidate to host The Daily Show? Seriously, if I’m not the only one writing something like this then those other jerks stole my idea and I’m kind of pissed off about it. I know the show is a lot to take on and I’d have some big shoes to fill (figuratively, I am aware Jon Stewart is not a large man), but I am willing to put myself through the ringer and back to live up to that commitment. I’ve already heard a short list of names that are being bandied about for the position and I’m telling you that none of them want it as badly as I do (I want this way more than I wanted Moon Shoes for Christmas when I was little and I’m sure this will be much less of disappointment).
These things sucked
10) I’m Available
Coupled with the aforementioned ambition, it’s worth noting that I’m also very much available to take on this project. Extremely available. Desperately so. I believe that both from various interviews that Jon has given and both the quality and frequency of episodes, it’s pretty well documented how much time and energy goes into making The Daily Show. Well, guess who definitely doesn’t have anything better going on and is both willing and able to pour hours and hours into helping The Daily Show continue to be the brilliant piece of topical comedy that it is (hint: it’s me). I’m not the kind of guy that’s just going to give up on the show and say “It’s too difficult, I can’t handle this. This will never work out.” I’m the kind of guy that won’t accept failure and won’t take no for an answer (despite what my dating record might imply). I’m the kind of guy who is ready, willing and able to take up the charge because I don’t have anything else worthwhile going on in my life (if you want proof of that, I can introduce you to my roommate).
So there you have it. 10 reasons why I’m not only the best choice, but realistically (I use that word loosely) the only choice to take over The Daily Show when Jon Stewart leaves. I could have kept going with the list, but 10 seems like a nice even number and I don’t want to make this list so long that nobody reads it and I alienate my audience (see, there’s another admirable quality). I’ve made my play; the ball is now in the hands of the fine folks over at Comedy Central to make the call. Seriously, I’m sitting here just waiting for my phone to ring. Please call me. Email works too. Please. I want the job.