I know
what you’re thinking: that I’m absolutely right and you 100% agree with me on
this. Well, I appreciate the support but to prove that my fans’ (plural!)
support of me is warranted and not just based on blind loyalty (also to make
sure I have new content) I’m going to provide a list of reasons why I’m the
obvious answer to this situation. I also
want to point out that, while this is coming pretty soon after Jon Stewart’s
announcement, this sort of opportunity requires swift action on my part. So, for your consideration I now boldly
present to you Top 10 Reasons Why The
Daily Show with Ryan Rick Needs to Happen:
1) I’m Camera Friendly
Let’s go straight for the elephant in the
room right away: I am not an unfortunate looking human being (at least not
until you get to know me). I take a lot
of pride in my appearance, including my clothes, my hairstyle and my sweet
beard (I use beard oil regularly). I’m
not covered in scars and boils (in the interest of not hurting anyone’s
feelings, it’s totally okay if you are
covered in scars and boils, but you should probably stick to radio) and I don’t
have a buttface. These are features that
you want to have in a guy who will be the face of the biggest fake news show on
television; which brings me to my next point.
2) I Can Fake It
Jon has, on numerous occasions, pointed out
to the hypocritically critical (see what I did there?) major news networks that
The Daily Show is, at its core, a fake news program. Thankfully, part of Jon’s genius was to
actually inform people while entertaining them, instead of just giving them
some self-important talking heads that are accidentally entertaining people by
virtue of misinforming them. And, here’s
the great thing about me: I have no idea
what the hell I just said because, even now, I’m faking it. What better figurehead for a fake news program
than a guy who is really good at faking it?
I will not even attempt to say that I have the same kind of wit,
intelligence or vision as Mr. Stewart, but I can guarantee that I can fake all
the confidence in the world until you and everyone else believes that I’m on
that same level. And I think that’s
important.
3) I’m Not a Dumbass
I don’t want anyone to assume that just
because I’m good at “faking it” that I don’t do my homework to make sure I know
what I’m talking about. If there’s one
thing I’ve learned in my life (I’m almost certain I’ve learned more than one
thing), it’s to not throw my hat in the ring unless I’m fully prepared to
actually duke it out. This rule stays
the same whether it is a battle with facts, wit, fists or comically large foam
swords. Mr. Stewart has built a
reputation on The Daily Show for having his facts in order and being well
versed on the topics he brings up. I
have no intention of tarnishing that reputation for the show. My reasoning for being so diligent about
doing my homework is very simple: my level of self-confidence is a very
delicately balanced house of cards and if I’m not fully prepared it could
easily be toppled and send me into a downward spiral of self-loathing. What this means for me is that I have some
severe anxiety issues. What this means
for The Daily Show is that it’ll have a host that won’t screw up.
4) I Look Really Authoritative Sitting Behind
a Desk
Check this out, it speaks for itself.
I’m not even wearing pants here.
5) I Dabble in Writing
You may have noticed that I have a(minimally) successful blog, of which I am the sole writer. If you haven’t noticed, please take a moment
to look around at some of my other successful posts. I try to keep my writing skills sharp through
regular updates of this blog, which is done 100% for free on my personal
time. Now, think about it, if I’m so
dedicated to writing that I do this kind of thing for free, just imagine what
kind of product you could expect from me if you were paying me to do it (now
you’re intrigued, aren’t you?).
6) I’m Fucking Hilarious
Just like the last point, this is something
you may have noticed if you’ve read some of the other entries in my blog. Or if you follow me on Twitter (@RyanRick87) or
Facebook. Or if you hang out with me
sometimes (not all the time, sometimes I suck).
I write a lot of jokes and people seem to think they’re funny (unless
it’s all an elaborate ruse because they know how fragile my self-esteem is). I like to believe that I have a small but fiercely
loyal following for my sense of humor (I didn’t say it’s true, I said that I
like to believe it). And I’m certain
that this small group of friends and fans is a good representation of the quality of fan base you can expect from me if you unleash my humor on an audience the
size of The Daily Show’s (there’s definitely going to be some poop jokes).
7) I’m Not Shy
Between the studio audience, the television
audience and the guests on the show, The Daily Show is a pretty demanding
experience for even the most socially capable of people. Now, my blog has a long history of mefailing at doing social things, but there’s one thing that can’t be denied: I’m
not shy about it. I thrive on having an
audience. I’m not scared to interview a
guest. And I certainly wouldn’t be
bashful about myself broadcast through television sets and computers far and
wide. Life is an artform in itself and
I’m living in a Jackson Pollock painting, so I might as well share it with
anyone and everyone. At no point will
you ever have to rule me out because I’m too embarrassed about interviewing
someone or doing a bit in front of such a large audience. I mean, I’m actually willingly sharing some
of my most embarrassing and awkward moments in life to anyone who stumbles
across this blog. Flubbing a line on
camera doesn’t bother me.
This is what my Tuesday looked like.
8) I Have 2 First Names
Seriously,
Ryan Rick. It’s a great
name. It’s an easy name. It’s a memorable name. Just think how smoothly this rolls off the
tongue: The Daily Show with Ryan
Rick. If people get tongue-tied trying
to remember my name or the name of the show, they’ll say “you know, the show
hosted by the guy with 2 first names.”
That’s brand recognition right there (I have a marketing degree!). And you know who else has 2 first names? Bruce Wayne.
And Clark Kent. Just like Batman
and Superman, I will swoop in and save the day in The Daily’s Show’s time of
great need. But wait, there’s more. Not only do I have 2 first names, but they’re
alliterative. And since the channel is
Comedy Central, that’s just more to work with for advertising purposes: “Watch
RR tonight on CC” (this is literally the only thing I’ve done with my marketing
degree since graduation; definitely a good investment).
9) I’m Ambitious Enough to Want It
How many other people out there are writing
lists of all the reasons why they’re the best candidate to host The Daily Show?
Seriously, if I’m not the only one writing something like this then those other
jerks stole my idea and I’m kind of pissed off about it. I know the show is a lot to take on and I’d
have some big shoes to fill (figuratively, I am aware Jon Stewart is not a
large man), but I am willing to put myself through the ringer and back to live
up to that commitment. I’ve already
heard a short list of names that are being bandied about for the position and
I’m telling you that none of them want it as badly as I do (I want this way
more than I wanted Moon Shoes for Christmas when I was little and I’m sure this
will be much less of disappointment).
These things sucked
10) I’m Available
Coupled with the aforementioned ambition,
it’s worth noting that I’m also very much available to take on this
project. Extremely available. Desperately so. I believe that both from various interviews
that Jon has given and both the quality and frequency of episodes, it’s pretty
well documented how much time and energy goes into making The Daily Show. Well, guess who definitely doesn’t have
anything better going on and is both willing and able to pour hours and hours
into helping The Daily Show continue to be the brilliant piece of topical
comedy that it is (hint: it’s me). I’m
not the kind of guy that’s just going to give up on the show and say “It’s too
difficult, I can’t handle this. This
will never work out.” I’m the kind of
guy that won’t accept failure and won’t take no for an answer (despite what my
dating record might imply). I’m the kind
of guy who is ready, willing and able to take up the charge because I don’t
have anything else worthwhile going on in my life (if you want proof of that, I
can introduce you to my roommate).
So
there you have it. 10 reasons why I’m
not only the best choice, but realistically (I use that word loosely) the only
choice to take over The Daily Show when Jon Stewart leaves. I could have kept going with the list, but 10
seems like a nice even number and I don’t want to make this list so long that
nobody reads it and I alienate my audience (see, there’s another admirable
quality). I’ve made my play; the ball is
now in the hands of the fine folks over at Comedy Central to make the
call. Seriously, I’m sitting here just
waiting for my phone to ring. Please
call me. Email works too. Please. I want the job.
#RyanRickForDailyShow2015
-Ryan
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