Sunday, December 1, 2019

November 2019 Joke Round-Up

                Well November is gone.  Looking back on the month, I got an early start on my holiday binge-eating and winter bulking.  Honestly, after this month there should never question it when I put on a little weight; we should all be more surprised that I’m not twice the size and suffering from a heart condition.  It should also be considered that since I did no grooming on my beard this month due to No-Shave November, a lot of these garbage food concoctions I threw together spent a little bit of extra time hanging out in my mustache.  I am truly a disgusting human being.  So, here are some jokes.

I did my yearly full face shave so that I can do No-Shave November and because I like to just periodically get a fresh reset on my facial hair. I gotta say, it is really impressive how much ugly I'm able to hide behind my beard.

I need to finish up leftovers in the fridge and I wanted to be efficient about it.

At one point while out trick or treating last night a car pulled up alongside our group, held an orange bowl out the window and asked us if we wanted any candy. I am well aware that this is the exact scenario that we warn kids about....but I wanted that candy.

A lot of people say that they're bad cooks or can't cook. The real secret to being adept in the kitchen is that you can't be afraid to experiment and break some rules. #FridgeCleanout

I think my biggest gripe with my business administration degree is that college didn't teach me some of the real world strategies I've seen used in the workplace like "nitpick your most productive staff members."

It's possible that we need to look into a dietary change for our daughter if she's pooping herself out of her shoes...

I hate that it gets dark so early. The kids are having some friends over for sleepover and I was surprised that they were still awake and going strong when it's so late. But it's only 7:30...

The Amazon Echo in our house got confused by too many people simultaneously shouting instructions at it. It made a fart noise then sang "And many more!" My life is complete.

This is why I struggle to eat healthy. Eating bastard combinations of unhealthy foods is so much tastier.

Just so we're clear.

Canadian TV personality Jess Allen made some comments about how, in her experience, hockey fans/players are not nice and are bullies.
In response, I've seen hockey fans calling her bitch, cunt, cow, ugly etc.
With reactions like that, I cannot imagine where she would have gotten the idea that hockey fans aren't nice.

To the lady at Walmart who gave me a dirty look when I told my daughter "No shit, Sherlock": Mind ya business.

"We're fast children." – Abby

I'm so dumb that I changed my profile picture on my personal account and then got confused when I saw posts and comments that I knew I had made with a different picture next to them.

Don't wait to see what kind of day you'll have, choose to have the day you want.

Somebody keeps playing country music at work. I can't fathom why anyone would go out of their way to make a work day even more unbearable. I assume they also like to purposely give themselves paper cuts before making hand-squeezed lemonade.

Life Pro Tip: Pie is an acceptable breakfast food as long as it's fruit-based.

I also added some hot sauce to give it the ol' razzle dazzle.

I see a lot of people making posts with pictures showing how much they've changed over the last decade. I didn't want to be left out.

"Nothing hurts dead people."
A very astute, though morbid, epiphany my son had tonight while playing video games with me.

We're putting up the Christmas tree today to a highly festive soundtrack of 90s pop hits. The kids are confused, but I think Aqua's "Barbie Girl" is a great way to set the mood for the holiday season.

My dog is really into this movie.

Overheard this conversation at work:
Coworker 1: "Do you need a nightstand box for anything?"
Coworker 2: "A nice sandbox?"
Coworker 1: "A nightstand box."
Coworker 2: "A sandbox?"
Coworker 1: "A nightstand box."
Coworker 2: "A nightstand?"
Coworker 1: "A nightstand box."
Coworker 2: "A nice sandbox?"
I walked away so I don't know if there was ever any resolution to this.

This morning when I woke up the power was out in the house and the kids, who are always up early playing and making a ruckus, were abnormally quiet. Rather than attributing the power outage to the storm outside, my first thought was, "Shit, what did the kids do?" I suddenly understand so much about what I put my dad through...

                Tomorrow I get to trim up the rat’s nest on my face back into a respectable looking beard.  Then I’ll continue eating like the human garbage disposal that I am.  And maybe I’ll watch a little bit of TV and see my doppelganger urging people to call the Addiction Network.  Or perhaps I'll look for a nice sandbox.


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