Friday, December 1, 2023

November 2023 Joke Round-Up

  This month started off with leaves falling and weather getting colder.  Just a few days into the month we turned clocks back an hour making the already minimal hours of daylight seem even shorter as it’s now dark outside before I even get dinner made.  Needless to say, this month is shit and the only good thing about it is a holiday celebrating our gluttony.  I gorged myself on an obnoxious amount of food in an attempt to fill the dead spaces in my soul and chase away a deep case of the sads.  It hasn’t really worked yet, but I am determined to keep eating until I feel better about things.  The jokes reflect that, with many references to me eating and feeling awful about what and how much I ate.  Much like my eating, my joke-writing came in binges as well, with a 2 week lapse of jokes bookended by an outpouring of my dipshittery.  Let’s revisit them, shall we?


Me: "Why do I feel like shit all the time?"

Also Me: "Breakfast today is a frozen chicken patty and an energy drink."


I love my daughter, but watching movies with her is exhausting.  45 seconds into something neither of us have ever watched before and she is asking, "Who is that? What are they doing? What's happening?"

And I'm like, "I literally don't know, Abby. We have watched the exact same amount of this movie and I was not aware that there was assigned reading to do beforehand."


My wife: "Can you actually have a serious conversation without turning everything into a joke?"

Me: "No I cannot and you knew this when you married me."


I've had plenty of days where I've thought, "the weather is too nice to be doing yard work" and just as many where I have thought, "the weather is too nasty to be doing yard work." Interestingly, I've never had a day where I've thought, "this is good weather for yard work," so maybe the weather is not the problem.


When studying another language I think it's important to learn phrases that you would realistically use.  And man,  DuoLingo gets me.


If Asgard hadn't been destroyed by Surtur in Ragnarok, then Dollar General definitely would have opened a store there.


The most impressive part of my golf game is how many hot dogs I can put away at the turn.


My experience from when I worked in a grocery store was that 51 weeks of the year Stovetop Stuffing didn't sell at all.  Then for 3 days at Thanksgiving we couldn't keep it on the shelf.  Do people actually like the stuff or do they just eat it out of habit?


If I had to guess, Hallmark Channel would be the first to really embrace deepfake and AI technology.  They already just cast new actors to re-shoot the same movie 8,000 times.


Me right now


Yesterday I learned that yellow mustard is effective at relieving leg cramps.  I am going to use this information as an excuse when my wife catches me in the kitchen eating hot dogs at 2am.


Sometimes I spend a bit too much time thinking about how animals handle odd situations that are normal to humans.  Like I've seen videos of squirrels getting drunk from eating fermented pumpkins.  What does the squirrel think of that?  And of the hangover?  We understand the cause and effect of it.  But is the squirrel like, "Why am I so incredibly clumsy right now?  But also I feel strangely suave and charismatic."   And then the next morning the squirrel is like, "OMG I AM LITERALLY DYING AND I REALLY WANT CHINESE FOOD FOR SOME REASON."

That last joke there was a doozy, but I think it pretty accurately reflects what kind of dumb shit my brain occupies itself with.  Not gonna lie, it’s been a pretty rough little go of things from a mental health perspective lately.  Though I am completely lucky to have multiple support structures around me with family & friends.  This time of year is rough on a lot of people (hell, all times of year are rough on a lot of people) so make sure to reach out to those around you and spread love and support where you can.


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