A few days late with this one because I was on vacation and had no inclination to get out of the water and sober up just to compile a bunch of old jokes. And since I’m doing this late now, I am also not going to fuck around trying to come up with a nice little intro. We’re just gonna go right to the jokes.
I am so spoiled at work using the Scheduling Assistant feature in MS Outlook to set up meetings. I wish I had this same functionality for setting up times to hang out with friends.
I got up from the couch to get some heartburn medicine, but ended up getting snacks instead. I wonder why I have heartburn.
That Pepto Bismol song is kind of a bop.
I won a poster from my local movie theater and I found the perfect place to hang it up in my house. #Family
I love reading recipes online that say things like, "This is SOO SIMPLE to make. All you have to do is combine (list of 43 ingredients)."
I got my hair cut yesterday and my wife tried to tell me that I looked "even more handsome."
I am not more handsome, I am just different handsome. I am well aware that I already reached the apex of handsomeness long ago.
Took my kids to the town fair yesterday. While waiting in line for rides I was approached by a guy who I literally have only spoken to once in my life; somewhere in the neighborhood of 10-12 years ago we had a disagreement at a bar about something to do with hockey. This guy says to me, "Remember when we argued about what the Blues needed to win the cup? And I ended up being right."
My guy, I definitely do not remember the details, nor do I care that much, but I'm just gonna go ahead and let you take that W because obviously you need it more than I do if you've been holding on to that one conversation for over a decade.
Out of context moments from my life:
My wife: "Who was looking up Rey Mysterio on my phone?"
The only thing I hide from my wife is my fast food receipts. She'd be simultaneously disappointed in my spending habits and also jealous that I went without her, so it's just better for both of us that she not know about it.
My wife's lunch really captures why we get along so well.
My son got me these for Father's Day. On the one hand I think I'm a little insulted, but on the other hand I do love snacks and these look delicious.
My daughter has gotten really into baking and I'm far too supportive of a father not to eat all these treats.
Country music is definitive proof that a kind and loving God does not exist.
On today's episode of Sentences I've Never Said Before: My weiner is too big.
Hooray, I did more than 8 jokes this month. I referenced my chronic heartburn and also the reasons why I get it. And I made a small dick joke. Pretty much everything you can expect from me. See you next month!