July is over with
and here’s the rundown of all the jokes I wrote this past month. Couple of things worth noting, first of all,
good for me for doing the bare minimum to get an actual article out this month
in between this and the last joke round up.
I actually had started another article but ran into a little bit of
writer’s block, which I am certain can be resolved with a little bit of
alcohol. And I’ve come full circle to
the time last year when I started looking back at jokes from 2014 and earlier,
so from here on out, you’ll probably not see many jokes from previous years as
I’ve likely already posted all of them.
With those disclaimers out of the way, enjoy!
7/1
#NailedIt
7/1/2013
I can
tell it's Canada Day because all I've wanted to do today is listen to Rush and
pronounce words funny.
7/1/2013
"I
didn't choose to get drunk, I just did." - #Knuckles
7/2/2014
I was
watching Iron Chef America and the episode was Battle Beer. Unfortunately, the
chefs spent the whole competition using the beer as an ingredient in their food
rather than drinking it all and attempting to cook something edible without burning
down the kitchen.
7/2
I went to
Waffle House the other day at 3 a.m. (I'll let you assume why) and ordered hash
browns with mushrooms, ham, cheese and gravy. They screwed up my order, skipping the cheese and
gravy, and instead putting chili on it. Not sure if it was an honest mistake or
if the server/cook was trying to hook me up but I had to leave a few bucks
extra on the tip because it was the first time I've ever had a restaurant mess
up my order and actually make it better.
7/2/2014
I had to
receive training for "reasonable suspicion drug testing" at work. I
learned that one of the symptoms that may tip you off to an employee using
cocaine is if they are "craving more cocaine." Good to know.
7/2
#Knuckles
7/5
Saw a
girl at the baseball game using Snapchat. I shouted, "YEAH SNAPCHAT!"
then when she turned around to look at me I gave her a thumbs up. I basically
have the best people skills.
7/7
Facebook
is suggesting a "Christians for Trump" group to me. It's like you
don't even know anything about me...
7/8
I like to
think I'm a pretty tolerant guy who is really accepting of all colors, but this
employee at Qdoba just gave me salsa verde when I clearly asked for salsa roja
and I'm not okay with that. #BilingualJoke
7/8
I'm just
waiting for someone to make an app combining Pokemon Go and Tinder; you walk
around and throw Pokeballs at people nearby that you want to hook up with and
they choose to either stay in the ball or shake free. Kinda torn on whether I
think this idea is brilliant or pathetic.
7/9
I bought
a new pair of shoes at work today. It's a little strange to be spending money
at the place I go to make money, but the really weird part is that I work in a
furniture store.
7/10/2011
Man is
naturally faster than the turtle.
7/10/2013
I like
when people post statuses about weather because sometimes I worry that my house
is the only one getting rain.
7/10
Brain:
"Hey man, I bet that cute girl over there would be really into you if you
walked up to her and said some really stupid shit."
7/10
Had a
spam account message me tonight, but I made my priorities clear.
7/11/2013
I always
ignore the microwave instructions that say "let food cool 1 minute before
eating." If I wanted to wait 2 minutes to eat, I wouldn't have bought food
that I can cook in 1 minute.
7/11/2014
I've
always heard that women are attracted to guys with a sense of humor. And I
think that means that I'm not very funny.
7/11
Was
making my lunch for work today and made the unfortunate discovery that my bread
was moldy. So now my lunch is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a hamburger
bun. #CalledAnAudible
7/12
UPDATE: I
failed to buy a new loaf of bread yesterday, so today for lunch I'm having a
turkey sandwich on a hot dog bun. It's like a tiny hoagie.
7/12
In case
anyone was wondering what I'm doing with my life.
7/14
One of my
favorite hobbies is watching how often people who are "so in love"
break up with each other on Facebook.
7/15
Went
to a concert that started at 8 pm. At 8:30 I get this message from #Knuckles:
"Are you going tonight and what time are you getting there?"
"Are you going tonight and what time are you getting there?"
I
mean, obviously my plan was to get there before the show started...
7/15
I think
Jason Mraz came to this show at The Firebird.
7/16/2013
Honestly,
all a guy really wants is a girl who thinks it's cute how stupid he is.
7/18
My
roommate's cat pooped in a pair of pants that I had laying on my bedroom floor.
A cat pooped in my pants...
7/19
I like to
use Facebook to post about the daily activities of my life in exhausting
detail, then complain that other people are "in my business."
7/22
Trump
vowed to bring back Law & Order, but I think if he really wanted to win
over a group of passionate, single-issue voters he should have promised to
bring back Firefly.
7/23
I think
it's important to remember that a 0% success rate is also a 100% failure rate,
and 100% is pretty damn impressive.
7/24/2013
When
you're talking to a police officer, asking "Keeping busy?" is a bad
excuse for small talk.
7/24
I think
one of the best ways to teach children about adversity and struggle is to buy
them RoseArt crayons instead of Crayola.
7/25/2012
I don't
get embarrassed very easily. I think that's because there's not really anything
much more embarrassing than being me on a daily basis.
7/25/2014
Partied
with some cops tonight, got tased for fun. The American dream.
Also, I
peed in the grass in front of the cop's cruiser before I got zapped because I
was worried the shock might make me piss myself.
7/25
Lately I
see a lot of people say that they like Trump because he "speaks from his
heart" and I know it's been a long time since I've had an anatomy class
but I'm pretty sure the heart is not located in your ass.
7/25
Trying to
get in some practice time for hockey and this game of bicycle Polo is going on
at the rink. Probably the first time I've ever been amongst a group of people
and been certain that I'm not the lamest person there.
7/26
Breaking
down barriers over here.
7/26
Truthfully,
I don't really have a personality; I'm just a series of jokes and stories
parading around as a semi-competent human.
7/27
Remember
back in school when the teacher would have a discussion about the assigned
reading and would call on students to give their thoughts? You could always tell which
kids didn't do any of the reading and were just making shit up as they went.
That's
what political arguments on the internet are like.
7/29
Today I heard a cover of "How Will I Know" by Sam
Smith and it was legitimately one of the worst things I've ever heard. Come to
find out, this was recorded in 2014. Why were more people not angry about this?
I feel insulted on behalf of Whitney.
7/29
Realistically, I could be making out with a girl and still be
thinking to myself, "Eh, I'm not really sure if she likes me or is just
being nice."
7/30
I've seen a lot of pictures of people that have gone to those
places where you drink wine and make a painting. It's given me a business idea
that's a little more
my speed; a room full of typewriters where people get smashed on whiskey and
are given a writing prompt. I'll call it Hemingway's.
7/31
I heard that the county fair where I live had a lawnmower
demolition derby. And while my brain knows that it was riding lawnmowers, my
heart wants to believe that it was just a bunch of guys slamming push-mowers
into each other.
I know I say it after every one
of these, but I do still have some great stories I’m working on and maybe I’ll
be a productive human being and actually finish some of them.
-Ryan
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