Friday, March 1, 2024

February '24 Joke Round-Up

 February is arguably the worst month.  This year, we got a bonus day of February, which is essentially winning a kick in the dick.  Thankfully it is over now and we are inching ever closer to warmer weather, longer days, and me not being a miserable bastard (or maybe I’ll just be a different kind of miserable bastard in warm, sunny weather).  I keep thinking to myself “surely I have more to say here” but I have been absentmindedly staring at this screen for 2 hours now, so I think it’s time to just call this good and move on to the jokes.


Pharmaceutical commercial voiceovers: "You may develop a rare but deadly bacterial infection in your taint."

The people in the commercials:


My wife has learned to just never ask what I'm thinking about.


I haven't seen any videos of those dudes building swimming pools and houses in the jungle lately. I hope they're okay.


I really need a new bedtime routine.  This laying awake and thinking about every mistake I've ever made just isn't cutting it.


Went to make some coffee from a variety pack my wife got and I found my new nickname.


According to my latest health screening, my triglycerides are alarmingly high.


Sometimes if I'm feeling a little down, I'll eat foods that I know will make me gassy so I can laugh about farts and feel better.


Things like modern medicine, irrigation, airplanes, and the internet are all pretty cool, but cheese powder (Cheetos, Doritos) still might be my favorite thing humans have ever invented.


Have you ever noticed that we all use the exact same stupid voice when we're telling a story and quoting a person we don't like?


If I ever reach out to you and say "I would really like a sweet potato" just know that's code-speak for "I'm in danger, send help."  Fuck sweet potatoes.

What a great way to close out that month: find out that I’m unhealthy and then make absolutely no changes to my dietary choices to amend this problem.  Fair play.


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