Wednesday, November 1, 2017

October 2017 Joke Round Up

                Looking at this month, it looks like I found some helpful parenting tips, ruined someone’s wedding and reflected on a 24 year-old commercial.  Here are the jokes.

If you ever needed a solid argument for why our country needs better school funding, just look at the comments section for any online news article.

I hope I'm wrong about this one.

Either way, it works splendidly.

Parenting Pro Tip: do not let kids have a blue sucker right before nap time because seeing a passed out child with blue lips is terrifying.

For the rest of my life, I will always know who shot Alexander Hamilton because of a Got Milk commercial I saw in 1993.

Looking back at my Facebook memories each day makes me feel like I owe a sincere apology to anyone who knew me before the age of 25.

Making the best of things.

I know women complain about the lack of pockets on their clothes. They also seem to hate guys' cargo shorts, which have literally all the pockets ever. I have to assume that it's not because of style, but because they're jealous of our pocket game.

#WeddingProTip: Ladies, if you're not sure what dress to wear to a wedding to avoid matching the bridesmaids, white is typically a safe bet.

Apparently, when "Old Time Rock 'n Roll" is played at a wedding, it is not proper etiquette to slide out on the dance floor in socks and underwear. #LiveAndLearn

My last 2 jokes were a hit with people named Dustin.

Any time I have homemade burritos it makes me consider getting a job at Chipotle for like a week just so I can learn how to actually fold a burrito.

Last weekend, after reading the book to them, I made green eggs and ham for the kids. And while that is a fun thing to do, the real fun comes later on after all the green dye has worked it's way through their digestive systems and they come out of the bathroom with questions.

My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement: she thinks we shouldn't dress up when we take the kids trick or treating, but I think I should wear my Michael Jackson costume door to door with them.

Conversations with a 6 year old.
Me: "Do you know what your Captain America shield is made of?"
Henry: "No."
Me: "Vibranium."
Henry: "I think it's plastic."

                With any luck, the inherent stress of the upcoming holiday season will parlay into me channeling my frustrations into more jokes; that and Amazon Prime are about the only things that keep me from beating people down with Tonka trucks in the Walmart checkout line.


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