Friday, December 1, 2017

November 2017 Joke Round-Up

An eventful month.  I examined my own parameters for the aging process and wrote a lot of jokes about my girlfriend’s kids because kids are really just like tiny drunk people, which means they’re a never-ending fountain of new material.    Enjoy re-reading this month’s jokes.

Halloween decorations are so much better than any other holiday. Nobody puts mangled, disembodied heads on their Christmas tree.

The day that I stop sprinting up stairs two at a time will be the day that I'm officially old.

Maybe the GOP's resistance to even talking about any sort of reasonable gun control is part of their plan to tackle unemployment. Surely, placing private security at every school, church, grocery store, laundromat, restaurant, etc. will create more jobs in America.

There's probably Doritos and Mountain Dew back there.

Me to my girlfriend every time I do even the smallest task around the house.

Just passed by a group of ladies with 'let me speak to a manager' haircuts, walking out of Old Navy and asking each other "So, where do you want to get a cocktail?" What's the over/under on how many hours of their lives they've spent watching Sex and the City?

Is there some rule I'm not aware of in clothing stores that says when you're done looking at something you have to throw it on the floor? These people are fucking savages.

They probably licked the muffin they left whole, too.

Found out something new about my girlfriend's taste in music. The kids were making a shopping list and asked her how to spell corn; she started with a K.

One cool thing about having kids is that people stop judging you for using Batman band-aids on cuts, even though you actually picked them out for yourself.

The kids are pretending that they have a recipe book but don't quite understand what a recipe is so they're just naming foods like, "This is the recipe for bacon. Here's the recipe for a peach."
The sad thing is, I I know grown-ups who actually need that much help in the kitchen.

The bar/coffee house I was at the other night had balcony seating. I was half expecting Statler and Waldorf to heckle me while I drank.

My girlfriend got out of the shower and began excitedly telling me about an idea she had. "Wouldn't it be great if there were a towel that you could wear so that.... damnit, a robe. I'm describing a robe. Nevermind."

Sometimes when I'm with my friends we'll get each other's attention from across the room and give one another the finger.
Sometimes when I'm with the kids we'll get each other's attention from across the room and stick our tongues out at one another.
And sometimes the wires in my brain get crossed and I have to catch myself a split second before I accidentally flip off a child.

As the kids were cleaning their room, Henry came out and said, "I wish there was like a vacuum that would pick up our toys for us."
Pretty sure I've heard that idea somewhere before...

Jokes from a 6 year-old.
Henry: "Knock knock."
Me: "Who's there?"
Henry: "Shh."
Me: "Shh who?"
Henry: "Ryan is stinking up this whole planet."

Somehow, the kids got it into their heads that the way they're supposed to pray is to kneel on the floor, make a cross with their arms and just shout "pray, pray, pray" repeatedly.
Incidentally, it has exactly the same effect as any other form of prayer. And it definitely wasn't going to resurrect the dead snail they were trying to bring back to life.

I don't want to run for public office, but I do want people to have signs in their yards showing their support for me. I think it would be a nice ego boost.

See you next month!


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