Saturday, January 26, 2019

The Kids Are Alright: 7 Ways Kids Are Tiny Drunk People

                A lot of my stories on this blog have revolved around drunken shenanigans by either myself or others.  So, you could say that I have a lot of experience in dealing with drunk people.  And surprisingly enough, all of those experiences have really helped me in being a pretty okay dad (I actually have both a mug and a trophy that say “Best Dad” but I’m pretty sure my kids just have crazy low standards).  My family actually seemed really surprised at my ability to step into the role of parenthood, but I swear on my life it is almost identical to just putting up with the drunken bullshit that I’d been dealing with for years.  So how are my kids exactly like tiny drunk people?  I’m glad you asked.

1.       They Have Limited Motor Skills
Look, I love the little goobers but these kids are clumsy as hell.  They’re constantly walking into stuff, falling down, and just generally finding new and exciting ways to hurt themselves.  I would not trust them to carry a bowl of soup across the room. Hell, I don’t trust them not to knock over a cup of milk sitting on the table.  Just like how I don’t trust drunk people to walk properly and not spill shit all over themselves.  I developed a 6th sense for knowing when one of my drunk friends was in danger of falling into a drunken heap and covering themselves in nacho cheese and that sense has translated well into handling kids.

Every day looks like this at some point.

2.       They’re Always Hungry (Especially for Garbage Food)
My kids’ favorite phrase in the entire world is “I’m hungry.”  I’ve mentioned before that I have to be super sneaky about my snacking habits because if I’m eating something they will inevitably eat it.  I’d always been under the assumption that you eat more when you’re going through a growth spurt, but these kids haven’t stopped eating and they are still short as shit.  Usually, they’ll say they’re hungry and ask for candy or snacks, to which I’ll say no and offer them a sandwich or something healthy thinking that I’m being clever, but they’ll just fucking eat that, too.  Also, the combination of their constant need to eat combined with the aforementioned poor motor skills means just like a drunken friend, I have to clean up macaroni when they’re done.
No that’s fine, just leave that there.

3.       But They Can’t Get Food For Themselves
The constant hunger wouldn’t be so bad if they were able to fend for themselves in some way.  But just like my drunk friend trying to cook a pizza in the sink, or the other one putting hash browns in the toaster oven and then passing out, I know that if I expect them to make their own food they will either starve or burn my fucking house down.  And I’m definitely not going to let them drive to McDonald’s because that would be terribly irresponsible.

If you don’t use your blinker, you’re grounded.

4.       They’re Disturbingly Sticky
Why? Did they spill something on themselves?  Is it a little bit of vomit? Is it marinara sauce?  Where did they even get that from? What else did they get it on? How much do I have to clean up?  How the hell did it get on the ceiling too?  They’ve stepped in it and tracked it all over the place too.  I would make them clean it up themselves but they’d just make it worse and it needs to be cleaned up before it starts to smell.  This is terrible.

Googling a picture to go with talking about stickiness was slightly troubling.

5.       They Lose Everything
J          Just like that friend who has lost their wallet, keys, phone and self-respect, kids also have a way of losing every possible item that is not stuck to their inexplicably sticky hands.  They lose things that confuse you as to how they even managed to get through all the steps required for them to lose the item.  I’m not sure how they managed to lose their sock without taking off their shoe, or where the entire sandwich they were just handed went to, but I am reasonably sure that I will find them both in the couch cushions next week.

6.       They Won’t Just Go The Fuck To Sleep
The thing about both kids and drunk people is that they can both be a lot of fun right up until they’re not.  At a certain point of being the parent of either a child or a drunk person, you’re exhausted with the entire process and it’s time for them to go to bed because they’ve gotten to the point where they are cranky and destructive.  And in both cases, despite all of your pleadings about how they need some sleep so they can feel much better, they simply will not pass out because they still have so much wanton destruction left to accomplish.

I am willing to pay you money to just lay down for like 10 minutes.

7.       Unless You Need Them To Be Awake
Of course if you need them to be awake for any sort of reason, whether it’s because you have things to do you, or because you’re in a public place, or because you need to get them into a car and don’t want to lug around dead weight, they are the most asleep that any human being has ever been before.  And now you’re desperately pleading with them to wake up and walk under their own power or at least give you some assistance so you don’t have to fireman carry them out of the bar.

How much has he had to drink?

                While I’m sure in some ways this article makes me seem like a very angry person about all of this, the truth is that being a dad has been a pretty darn rewarding experience so far for me and I’m glad to do it, even if sometimes their behavior gives me flashbacks of looking after #Knuckles.  If I hadn’t been the responsible(ish…I have plenty stories of my own) drunk out of my friends group, I probably would’ve taken a lot longer to figure all this shit out.   They’ve still got 14 years before their 21st birthdays, so I’m hoping there’s gonna be some sober years in there before they start acting drunk all over again.  Either way, I’ll be ready for it.


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