Holy fuckarooski, we are just barreling recklessly towards the end of the year now. Time is becoming an illusion. Days of the week are losing all meaning. We are living in a perpetual haze of gravy, twinkling lights, and the smooth sounds of Michael Buble crooning out holiday hits seemingly everywhere you go as though it’s just the background music for your internal monologue now. And now we take a peek into the inner workings of my brain, as I wrote that little intro there, then decided I liked it so much as its own little thought that I posted it as a joke on the page, thus making me also include it in my summary of jokes for the month. So there might be a fun little moment of deja vu when you get to the end of this post. That’s extra funny because nobody reads these, not even me! I’m going to have it put in my will that the entire contents of this sight be read aloud before divvying up my estate; which is probably gonna be like a grand total of $14 and a box full of various random cables that I saved my entire life just in case. These jokes, tho.
11/3
My wife: *watching baby hippo videos*
Me: "Do you want to see my favorite hippo video?"
My wife: "Yea...no, because it's gonna be the pooping video."
Me: "It absolutely was gonna be the pooping video."
#Soulmates
11/4
This morning I woke up with the knowledge that I absolutely had to combine a picture of Ash turning his hat backwards with this spoof of an iconic quote from the movie "They Live". Sometimes my brain just be doing things.
Edit: out of sheer happenstance, I have just learned that the movie "They Live" was released to theaters exactly 37 years ago today.
11/5
This felt like a really important conversation about hats with my friends.
11/6
I typed this out to myself at 1am. My brain was doing some dumb shit.
11/10
Today's high temp is 38 with a wind chill of 15 and I need to know who the hell could possibly be out there excited about this. Every time people say Fall or Winter is their favorite season, this is what I think of. Who is waking up thinking "This is perfect. I've waited all year to be cold as shit." Because I need you to know that you are wrong and I don't like you.
11/11
I wonder if when John Cena retires he will change his name to John Postre.
This is a bilingual joke, fyi.
11/11
Any bar can be a karaoke bar if you put $20 in the TouchTunes and sing loud as fuck.
11/14
Not so much a joke as it is commentary on the depressing state of everything right now.
11/15
I'm wearing a St. Louis Blues shirt that shows the year the team was established and my son pointed out "Your shirt says 6 7." So that's another fucking thing that kids have ruined.
11/18
Seriously I need to know what sort of magic allows USB cables to somehow have 3 sides.
11/20
I'm getting to live out a dad-joke today as I'm taking my daughter to a dentist appointment at 2:30. She is not nearly as amused as I am.
11/21
Idk what everyone else is doing at 3 a.m. but I'm laying awake wondering if my arms are too long.
11/25
I have spent my entire life not knowing how to get the inside of a Toaster Strudel warm without burning the outside and at this point I've just come to really enjoy the temperature dichotomy of the warm, flaky crust with a chilled fruit filling.
11/25
One dog is mad as hell and the other gives no fucks.
11/25
I feel like if I was bald I would struggle to know how far up the sides of my face I should let my beard grow.
11/28
Me eating leftovers this morning: "Thanksgiving is over when I say it's over."
11/30
We are officially in that part of the year where time is becoming an illusion. Days of the week are losing all meaning. We are living in a perpetual haze of gravy, twinkling lights, and the smooth sounds of Michael Buble crooning out holiday hits seemingly everywhere you go as though it’s just the background music for your internal monologue now.
Hey, there it is! That thing that I wrote at the beginning. That was fun. I am so clever.
-Ryan