Thursday, December 1, 2022

November 2022 Joke Round-Up

               I don’t know why, but this month felt extremely long.  I was going back to grab the jokes I’d posted from the beginning of the month and was legitimately surprised to see some of them were from this month.  And what that really means is that I am just surprised that the whole bleached hair thing was not longer ago.  Mostly, I think I just want to mentally distance myself from the blonde hair and blonde soul patch thing that happened while I was shaving.  Anyways, these are some jokes.
Halloween being over is pretty depressing because now I'm no longer Guy Fieri, I'm just a dad in his mid-thirties with bleached blonde hair and a weird goatee.
I shaved off the Guy Fieri goatee and now I look like I'm ready to be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned.
I'm just trying to make the most of this hair.

In between Flavortown and The Black Parade I did make a momentary stop off at whatever this abomination is.

Me when another car and I both pull up to a 4-way stop at the exact same time:

When you see all the dummies regurgitating the nonsense claim that schools are putting in litter boxes for students that identify as cats, it really helps you understand how so many people got duped into sending money to Nigerian "princes".
I do have to say, seeing Darren Bailey and Tom DeVore taking Ls in these Illinois election results is really just:

*waking up to see snow covering the ground*
Me: "Unsubscribe."
Just an important message right now with Thanksgiving approaching, but truly relevant all year round:
Sweet potatoes can fuck all the way off.
When donating blood there is a sweet spot where you are hydrated enough that your veins are easily accessible, but not so hydrated that you have to do the potty-dance in the middle of your donation.
I have yet to find that sweet spot, but I do believe it exists.
There is a direct correlation between people who have on Fox News during Thanksgiving dinner and people who put bland-ass macaroni on the table.
No matter how much leftovers I am trying to put away, I can guarantee that I will pick the wrong size tupperware for it.
If there's one thing you can be sure of in life, it's that the more someone complains about their "freedom of speech" being violated the less they understand what the 1st amendment actually protects.
               Well, it’s cold now, the time change has happened so it’s dark at like 4:30 pm, we’ve snow a couple of times, and there’s already a bunch of absolute morons acting like they’re not allowed to say “Merry Christmas” anymore because faking oppression is the only personality they know.  Everything is ass and I hate it.  Let’s just keep barreling headfirst into the end of this year and hope that it is spring soon.

Tuesday, November 1, 2022

October 2022 Joke Round-Up

              It is November now and that is gross.  We are now fully & firmly entrenched in the butthole of the year.  The hours of daylight have significantly decreased, the weather is getting colder and nasty, and as I look out my window right now the ground covered with a bunch of wet ass leaves that I’ll have to go clean up at some point during the, as previously mentioned, diminishing hours of daylight.  In addition to just how absolutely shitty this time of year is, in current events we have the midterm elections coming up here this month, so we will likely get to continue watching the downfall of America as we watch the products of our failed education system vote into office people that remind them of their own stupid selves. Speaking of idiots, it has now been a full year since I picked up my very own troll who was mad at a joke I wrote making fun of the whole “let’s go Brandon” thing.  He added entertainment to this month in my FB comment sections by seemingly being confused about the distinction between libertarians and librarians.  Remember like 3 sentences ago when I said that thing about products of a failed education system getting to vote?  Yikes.  Anyways, about these jokes I wrote.

Just making my D&D/Pathfinder group proud. I'll give my character a big fuzzy hat, too.

As we get closer to election day there are political ads everywhere and I keep seeing some really stupid sponsored posts from Illinois Policy Institute popping up on my timeline. In looking into that organization I found an oxymoron in the description.

Gonna get a group of friends together to play some tactical shooting games with light-guns while wearing nice dinner jackets.
I'm pretty excited about Blazer Tag.
With all the squats and legwork that I've had to do in physical therapy, I am considering getting myself a new pair of hockey shorts for when I'm cleared to play again.

I'm chipping in with a few other guys to run the hockey league I play in, including doing a lot of work on the FB page. And sometimes I can't help myself from having a little fun with messages in the league inbox.

I saw a video on my timeline of a woman making a taco pie. She put some nacho cheese Doritos and taco meat in a pie shell. No problems there. Then she topped it with mozzarella cheese. That shit made me so mad I could've punched through a wall.
What kind of disgusting person would do that? Absolute garbage.

At this Halloween party I heard someone behind me say, "This one is farting an awful lot, he may need to be changed soon." Worried that my crop-dusting had been found out, I turned around and was relieved to find that they were talking about the baby they were holding.
I trimmed up my facial hair last night and have a hair appointment this evening to get me looking the part for my Halloween costume. And it just occurred to me that we have parent-teacher conferences for our kids the next 2 days.
Looks like I'm meeting the kids' teachers as Guy Fieri.
Working remotely from Flavortown.


               Ending this on a positive note, since my intro was decidedly negative, my knee is all healed up and I have made my triumphant return to playing hockey.  That’s pretty dang exciting and I am thankfully no worse of a player than I was before my injury.  Also, this whole Guy Fieri costume has made Halloween an absolute blast, highly recommend.


Saturday, October 1, 2022

September 2022 Joke Round-Up

               It is October.  On the one hand, that means hockey is back.  On the other hand, that means we are now officially in the complete shitfest of a season that is fall, barreling stupidly towards the equally (if not more so) shitty season of winter.  It’s getting cold and it’s getting dark earlier and I hate it.  But you knew this already because part of who I am fundamentally as a person is to endlessly complain about how much I hate those seasons; it’s core to my being.  But back to the positive, hockey is back. And speaking of hockey, after news that the league I was playing in was going to fold, I have become a co-commissioner of that league in order to help it continue existing, so that is new and fun.  We actually start our new season tomorrow and I am hoping to actually be cleared to play from my knee injury within the next few month as well.  And as you can see from the jokes about both physical and mental therapy, I appear to be doing just fine.
I was chatting with some co-workers about how much I love the functionality of MS Excel (nerd!). Then I busted out this bad boy on them.
One of my favorite things to do as a dad is to sneak foods that the kids claim to hate (onions, mushrooms, etc.) into the dishes I make for dinner and watch them happily chow it down, completely oblivious.
When you get a new microwave and are about to try out the "Popcorn" button on a bag of microwave popcorn for the first time...
My wife was laying on the floor trying to play with one of the dogs. I thought the visual looked familiar...


I know some people are concerned about Mercury being in retrograde, but my living room lamp is angled to the southwest, so in the land of made-up nonsense I think it all cancels out.
If you wax and curl your mustache, then I assume that you also tie women to train tracks.
I had no idea I could earn tickets or prizes for this. I've spent my life doing it just for the hit of dopamine.

Came across this ad last night while I was up late, unable to sleep. Thought it wasn't quite on the nose enough, so I touched it up a bit for the sake of accuracy.

I do not understand how Renaissance Faires work. Can you just show up dressed as the king? If multiple people do this, are they obligated to go to war?
This afternoon I have physical therapy on my knee, followed by donating blood, and then a CPR class. So today is a delicate balance of eating and drinking enough that I don't pass out donating blood while also not overdoing it to the point that I vomit during my PT exercises. And making sure I am still awake for CPR.
Also need to make sure I keep all of the scheduling straight because I'm only supposed to bleed at one of those places.
When your office is downstairs but you just had leg day.

The American Idiot album came out in 2004. So the song Wake Me Up When September Ends has been around for 18 years now.
At this point, repeating the "wake up that guy from Green Day" joke has the exact same energy as telling the cashier "guess that means it's free!" when an item won't scan.
               I had a couple of consistent strings of daily jokes there.  Nice, look at me go.  Don’t get used to that though, I like to keep expectations low.  Of course, if you are reading this at all, you likely already have exceedingly low expectations for me, so I think we’re okay.