Monday, July 1, 2024

June '24 Joke Round-Up

  I usually write these on the last day of each month so that they are ready to post first thing in the morning on the first day of the month.  That did not happen last night because I was still in vacation mode, so now I am scrambling to put words to paper and sum up what I was doing last month and why it resulted in me only writing 8 jokes and also sprinkle in some lame-ass promise to write more jokes and do better in the future when deep down everyone knows that this is simply who I am and I will never get better.  So these jokes…


I'd probably have an easier time falling asleep if I could figure out what to do with my arms.


I went to the doctor to check out some abdominal pains. My wife and I are discussing the results like adults.


I am a trusting person, but one thing I absolutely do not trust is the cooking instructions for frozen pizzas that say "place pizza directly on oven rack."  No thank you, I will use a pizza pan.


Me: "What are you gonna have for lunch?"

My daughter: "Brownies."

Okay, I can get on board with this.


The last few days my son has been at camp and my wife and daughter have been on a girl's trip.  I still closed the door when I used the bathroom because I didn't want the dogs peeking at me.


If golf video games really wanted to be realistic, they'd add a button for me to throw my club in the lake after 6-putting.


I don't know how to make a reasonable amount of French toast.  Every time I make French toast it looks like I'm having anxiety about starting my own paper company.


One of my bigger regrets in life is all the time I wasted not eating butter pecan ice cream because I thought it was "an old person flavor."

If I’m being honest, life is going pretty well and that just makes it hard to be funny because humor just comes more naturally when you’re cracking jokes to distract from life’s misery; we all know it’s true. But on that note, I sure hope I continue to have no trauma-induced inspiration for jokes any time soon.


Saturday, June 1, 2024

May '24 Joke Round-Up

  At the time of writing this, I only just realized that tomorrow is June, so I’m not sure if that means that I thought there was a May 32nd or what was going on, but this whole thing has taken me by surprise.  It’s been a very busy month for me, both personally and professionally.  And I feel like I illustrated that well in my jokes about eating hot wings and talking to my friends about going to the bathroom; I’m clearly at the top of my game at this point of my life.  Are the wings and the bathroom habits related? I’ll leave that for you to decide, Dear Reader.  Here are jokes.


Maybe Earth's nickname being "The Blue Planet" isn't because of the water but because we're all fucking depressed.


Is someone really your friend if you can't freely talk to them about bathroom habits?


If I won the lottery I wouldn't tell anybody, but there would be signs.


Lots of phone and internet services down in town today.  Live look at how I'm handling it.


If it's not already a thing, they need to put an ice cream shop & soda fountain in Disney World and call it Malt Disney.


The more I think about it, the sport of figure skating had somebody take out their competition with a metal pipe to the knee, so maybe professional wrestling isn't actually that far-fetched.


I had a good day at work with a lot of really nice things said about me.

But what I'm actually most proud of today is that I made it through an entire movie without having to take a bathroom break.


Idk, I felt like I needed to make this.


I guess this is what I'm doing today.


Not gonna lie, I'm kinda peeved that this news about the Trump verdict is preempting Jeopardy.  I was so ready to get my trivia on.

June is going to be great as we officially start the best part of the year: Summer.  And I will be happily sitting my ass in some water with a cold beverage.  I’m about to be in my Shirtless Era.


Wednesday, May 1, 2024

April '24 Joke Round-Up

  Well shit, April is over and I’m still a damn fool.  It’s been a busy month for me; stepping into a new role at work, new season starting for my hockey league, an absolute shitshow trying to moderate my town’s FB community page, and finding games/music/tv shows to help drown on the ever-present drum beat of time marching ominously forward.  Oh, and getting very little sleep because apparently that’s just my thing.  How about these jokes, though?


Back in January it was announced that my town's trash service would be undergoing some changes.  People were mad.  Those changes finally took effect this week.  People are still really mad.  But I will always look for an opportunity to make light of a situation and my local FB community page has been a big source of inspiration for me as there has been an endless stream of posts about the trash company over the past few months.


Not gonna lie, I took some Immodium earlier just to make sure that wouldn't be on the list of reasons why I may potentially miss the eclipse. Control the things you can.


I have decided that the reason I can't sleep at night is because the Sleep Fairy only grants a finite amount of sleep to each household and my wife keeps stealing my hours.


Nobody ever taught me how to Dougie.


"It's okay, today is Cheat Day." - Me every single day as I have cookies and ice cream for a meal.


"Please, call me Willy. My father was Mr. Nilly."


Woke up at 3am to water streaming into my basement.  And now I'm trying to remember why I wanted to own a home so badly. I don't wanna be responsible for all this shit.

Fun thing about those images I made early in the month, apparently that pissed off some people so much that there was a whole new discussion about how much I suck in one of the 4 or 5 “I Hate Ryan Rick” clubs that have sprung up on Facebook.  And honestly, the fact that those groups/threads exist on the internet would probably bother me if the people who were actively involved in them weren’t complete shitbags.  It is okay to be hated if the people that hate you are garbage, remember that.