Wednesday, February 1, 2023

January 2023 Joke Round-Up

  Let me just start this off by saying fuck winter and everything about it.  And if you like winter, then fuck you too.  The weather has been cold and shitty, the days are too short to enjoy, it’s all terrible.  It probably wouldn’t even be so bad if I could just hibernate through it but apparently of all the things I could be bad at, sleeping is what my body has chosen to suck at (there’s actually a lot of things I suck at, but for the purpose of this post I am choosing to focus on sleeping).  Just the other night as I was starting to drift off to sleep I jolted myself upright because I was worried that I’d forgotten about an appointment to get my toes straightened.  Firstly, I am almost completely positive that’s not even a thing.  And secondly, even if it is a thing my toes are already straight so what the fuck was that all about?  Anyways, here are the jokes.


On the one hand, I should really tell my kids it's time to turn off their tablets and complete a few daily chores.

On the other hand, they are being very quiet and actually getting along well as they play Minecraft together.

This is a dilemma.


Typically my dog will follow me downstairs when I go to work in the morning.  But my wife is off work today, so I guess Barclay decided to take PTO to hang out with her instead.


Letting out an enormous fart with nobody around to hear it is the same as catching a huge fish with nobody around to see it.


Practicing safe cooking techniques. Just trying to protect my eyes from oil splatter.


I've pretty much always been a culinary genius.


When I'm in my annual performance review and my supervisor tells me that I am a delight to work with:


If you say that you want a mandolin for your birthday, you're kind of just working off the assumption that your family already knows whether you're a chef or a bard.


My son does not understand why I am so amused by his new D&D dice.  He also doesn't understand why I said his character can't turn left.


My wife's doctor told her she has high cholesterol and, among other things, told her to make sure she eats plenty of "whole foods."

I am not entirely sure what that means, but in solidarity I'm going to eat a whole rotisserie chicken.

Quality jokes right there about farts and poor eating habits.  I was really deep in my niche this month.  It is really sad that I didn’t even hit double digits on my joke count this month though.  


Sunday, January 1, 2023

December 2022 Joke Round-Up

  Honestly, I am not even sure what to write here at the moment.  I’ve never been much for introspection, resolutions, or anything else at the end of a year other than looking at it as an excuse to have a few drinks and maybe wear a lampshade on my head.  We have pretty much arbitrarily decided that this is when one year ends and another begins, something that could realistically be done at any point during the year.  If you are someone who uses Jan 1st as a marker to make some change for the better in your life, good luck to you.  That aside, also feel free to make positive improvements in your life at any other points throughout the year.  If you want to start working out on April 23rd, go for it.  If you want to eat healthier beginning on July 6th, that’s great.  If you decide on November 19th that you’d like to start sending me $50 every week, that’s as good a time as any to start.  Anyways, let’s see what dumb shit I posted in December.


I swear I'm living with monsters.


I heard my daughter and her friend upstairs singing "in west Philadelphia born and raised..." so I go up there and I'm like "Hey, The Fresh Prince!" Confused, they responded "What's fresh prince? This is A TikTok dance."

Anyways, that's why I hate everything today.


As more and more states legalize recreational marijuana, I suddenly find myself confused when someone mentions getting an "edible arrangement" if they mean a fruit basket or a bouquet of THC-infused gummies.


I like to drink a tall, frosty glass of Pepto with every meal.  And I treat Tums like after-dinner mints.


Got bored, made my own Care Bear.


Every morning Barclay gets excited to go downstairs with me when I start my work day.  He gets almost nothing done but he is definitely the cutest coworker I've ever had.


There are few things in life more disappointing than biting into a delicious chocolate chip cookie only to find out that those were actually fucking raisins.


I appreciate that any time there is even the slightest threat of snow there are people just falling all over themselves to become a math word problem.

"If Jan buys 13 gallons of milk and 7 dozen eggs in a mad panic about winter weather, and on average her family consumes .15 gallons of milk and 3 eggs per day, estimate to the nearest quarter hour how long it will take her to get bored at home, go outside anyways, and put her car into a ditch.  For extra credit, estimate the tow bill."


My last joke about the word problem actually sprang from a conversation I was having in a comments section.  And I would be doing a disservice to everyone if I did not show how the rest of that conversation played out.  Bonus points to you if you sing the song.


For real though.


Every year I see a handful of people share to their timelines something to the effect of "Christmas is X days away and I've never felt less Christmassy."

And you should know that this is because you are an adult living with depression.


The days between Christmas and New Year's are very similar to being in an airport.  Officially you are still within the confines of society, but there are no rules and no concept of time.  There are people in business attire drinking cocktails at 7 a.m., someone in pajamas and no shoes just passed out underneath a potted plant.  Shit's wild.


I am always amazed at how long a roll of aluminum foil lasts after I've thought to myself, "shit, I better buy more foil, I'm almost out."

You know, maybe I could start milking this Round Up thing even more by picking a favorite joke from each month to display at the end of the year.   There are a lot of famous people/companies out there who are making boatloads of money by pushing out additional content with little to no effort and here I am putting out amazing, original stuff for free.  What a dope.


Thursday, December 1, 2022

November 2022 Joke Round-Up

               I don’t know why, but this month felt extremely long.  I was going back to grab the jokes I’d posted from the beginning of the month and was legitimately surprised to see some of them were from this month.  And what that really means is that I am just surprised that the whole bleached hair thing was not longer ago.  Mostly, I think I just want to mentally distance myself from the blonde hair and blonde soul patch thing that happened while I was shaving.  Anyways, these are some jokes.
Halloween being over is pretty depressing because now I'm no longer Guy Fieri, I'm just a dad in his mid-thirties with bleached blonde hair and a weird goatee.
I shaved off the Guy Fieri goatee and now I look like I'm ready to be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned.
I'm just trying to make the most of this hair.

In between Flavortown and The Black Parade I did make a momentary stop off at whatever this abomination is.

Me when another car and I both pull up to a 4-way stop at the exact same time:

When you see all the dummies regurgitating the nonsense claim that schools are putting in litter boxes for students that identify as cats, it really helps you understand how so many people got duped into sending money to Nigerian "princes".
I do have to say, seeing Darren Bailey and Tom DeVore taking Ls in these Illinois election results is really just:

*waking up to see snow covering the ground*
Me: "Unsubscribe."
Just an important message right now with Thanksgiving approaching, but truly relevant all year round:
Sweet potatoes can fuck all the way off.
When donating blood there is a sweet spot where you are hydrated enough that your veins are easily accessible, but not so hydrated that you have to do the potty-dance in the middle of your donation.
I have yet to find that sweet spot, but I do believe it exists.
There is a direct correlation between people who have on Fox News during Thanksgiving dinner and people who put bland-ass macaroni on the table.
No matter how much leftovers I am trying to put away, I can guarantee that I will pick the wrong size tupperware for it.
If there's one thing you can be sure of in life, it's that the more someone complains about their "freedom of speech" being violated the less they understand what the 1st amendment actually protects.
               Well, it’s cold now, the time change has happened so it’s dark at like 4:30 pm, we’ve snow a couple of times, and there’s already a bunch of absolute morons acting like they’re not allowed to say “Merry Christmas” anymore because faking oppression is the only personality they know.  Everything is ass and I hate it.  Let’s just keep barreling headfirst into the end of this year and hope that it is spring soon.