Thursday, June 1, 2023

May 2023 Joke Round-Up

Wow, last month started off so promising.  After taking a couple days to get my bearings I started firing

off jokes almost every day, sometimes multiple in a single day (ooh, so creative!).  Then I completely ran out

of steam after the mid point of the month and ended up with essentially the same joke output that I’ve had for

a while now.  C'est la vie.  Twelve jokes a month is better than no jokes a month.  And of course, these are just

the things I’ve written down as standalones.  I am well aware that I am just hilarious in conversation every

second of the day, it just doesn’t get recorded.  Truly, people that don’t get to talk to me are missing out.  Enough

of this inflating my own ego.  Here are jokes.


I like grapes because they are essentially fruit tots. And I love tots.


Woke up this morning with the song from the Skip It commercial stuck in my head.  It's been over 30 years

since I've seen that commercial. Why am I like this?


Made myself a fajita for dinner.  Realized that I wanted something spicier than the chipotle sauce I had gotten

out, so I went back to the cabinets just shouting to myself, "I WANT SOMETHING REALLY HOT. I WANT



If I was a ghost people would just hear noises in their kitchen and routinely find all their snacks opened up.


My kids will regularly ask for help on their math homework and then get serious attitude with me while we

work through it together.  You better watch yourself squirt, I'm not the one who doesn't know what they're

doing here. I already passed this class.


Just spontaneously serenaded my wife with Flight of the Conchords' "The Most Beautiful Girl in the Room." 

What can I say? I'm a romantic.


Seeing someone enter a Zorb reminds me of how we all thought Ant-Man was going to defeat Thanos.


There should be a cooking competition show where people have to make cakes while they're high. 

Call it "Baked"


The longer it takes me to fall asleep at night, the more extreme my opinion of my wife's ability to easily fall asleep gets.

10:45 pm - "She's out.  Really hope I can drift off that easily tonight."

12:38 am - "This sucks.  So dumb. It's completely unfair how easily she is able to fall asleep."

2:17 am - "This fucking sleepin'-ass bitch right here..."


My daughter has figured out what my favorite snacks are and also realized that if she goes to the store with me

and suggests we buy them, that I am easily persuaded to agree.  And then we both get snacks.


I managed to successfully take an afternoon nap today.  Based on my day's activities, it seems that the catalyst

for actually falling asleep was going on a 5 mile hike.  So...that seems sustainable.


This morning I was woken up by my wife's alarm and also by her hitting me because she thought it was my alarm. #MarriageGoals

So, we have covered that I like to eat, I excel at annoying my wife, and I have trouble sleeping. 

And not even a picture this month! Riveting content right there.  I fully understand why the only person who

reads this is me.


Monday, May 1, 2023

April 2023 Joke Round-Up

Somehow at the end of each month I am both pleasantly surprised and completely disappointed in the quantity of jokes I’ve written for the month.  It’s a weird mix.  In general, as I approach the end of the month I am almost completely convinced that I’ve only written like 3 or 4 jokes for the month.  In reality, I seem to have pretty consistently hit on around 10ish the last few months.  So, while I am pleasantly surprised that I had more than I initially thought, I am also disappointed that apparently I only get a spark of creativity once every 3 days.  On the bright side, that makes the round-ups very easy to put together and limits the amount of time you, dear imaginary reader, must spend reading these.  So here are those few jokes.


Dustin: "Are we the same person? What color are your eyes?"

Me: "Beautiful."


I love to sing and I really like making it everybody else's problem.


Turkey bacon's only reason for existing is to be a disappointment.


My kids and I were at the movies last night when a tornado warning went off and we had to shelter in place.  And honestly, if I'm gonna be stuck somewhere for a while I'm not mad about it being a place that has loads of buttery popcorn available.


I have achieved full understanding of Pavlov's Dog.  All I have to do is make a pot of coffee and suddenly I need to go to the bathroom.


I am standing in my yard wearing a tie dye shirt that says "Be Kind" while yelling at my kids because Henry threw Abby's shoe on the roof.


According to the members of my local community page, this is a historically accurate depiction of the writing of the Constitution.


It's a little weird to make new friends with the parents of my children's friends.  Not that there's anything wrong with them It's just that the rest of my friends have been around so long that I don't usually have to worry about whether or not it's okay to fart around them.


I am very helpful.


Again, very helpful.


I was not put on this earth to give a shit about lawn maintenance.

Wow, what a nice, short walk down memory lane for this month’s jokes.  Join me next month for what could be anywhere from 3 to 12 jokes once again.


Saturday, April 1, 2023

March 2023 Joke Round-Up

   Writing this today, I am older than I was when I wrote my last joke round up for February.  I can assure you that I am not any wiser or more mature, because that would be ridiculous and likely confuse everyone around me.  So here I am, doing everything I can, holding on to what I am, pretending I’m a Superman.  Yay, surprise Goldfinger!  You’re welcome for that and I’m welcome for that as it’s both a great song and a way to artificially increase the length of my intro as though I actually had something important to say.  So where are we at?  Making poor choices with food & alcohol and sharing ridiculous anecdotes from my kids?  Sounds about right, here are the jokes.


They really did Stockard Channing dirty as hell in the opening credits of Grease. Did she have beef with the animation team or something?


If John Krasinski is going to be an action hero now, I am going to need at least one of his movies to have him put the enemy's gun in jello.


Put some food in the toaster oven for lunch, walked away and came back to cold food 15 minutes later.  Assuming that I had absentmindedly failed to turn it on, I made sure to set it to cook for 15 minutes.  I heard the timer go off and came back to cold food yet again.

As it turns out, somebody in the house had turned off the heating element.  Why is that even an option?!  All I did was set a 30 minute timer for disappointment.


Next time I can't find my kitchen shears because they're off mingling with the arts and crafts supplies, I'm gluing those bastards into the butcher block.  If I'm not able to use them for their intended purpose, nobody is using them.


For a limited time KFC has brought back their Double Down sandwich.  And while I may be 9 years older than I was when it was last on the menu, I am most assuredly not 9 years wiser, which I why I just ate one of those culinary abominations.


My wife has tickets to see a comedy show tomorrow and her calendar sent a reminder about it, but the notification kinda looks like the comedian sent her a foreboding text message.


I wish other companies made commercials that are as asinine as perfume commercials.  Just imagine, random nonsensical flashes of suspiciously wet attractive people draped in sheets followed by the logo and someone whispering "Subway."


I hate how good my wife is at sleeping.  She can take a 3 hour nap in the afternoon, then still go to bed at 9:30 and get a full night's sleep.    If I nap on the couch for 15 minutes tonight I won't be able to fall asleep in bed until Sunday.


When I start talking video games with someone and find out that they also could not get into Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild.


Sometimes I ask my kids to empty the dishwasher and their attempts at trying to put dishes away where they belong makes me think that they don't actually live here.


I know they tell you not to drink alcohol after donating blood, but that kinda just makes me want to do it even more.


My son got upset with me because I found a used tissue on the floor and assumed it was his.  I told him that sometimes we make assumptions based on historical evidence: he blows his nose frequently and has a tendency to leave the tissues laying around. And I explained that if the question would have been "who drank all the beers" or "who farted" then someone could have similarly concluded that I was the culprit.


It's pretty depressing when you're voting for your local city council & school board members and the major criteria you have to work with in determining your vote is:

1. Who showed up to the public forum

2. Who said the least stupid shit


My daughter watching a video of a wombat: "It's like a dog mixed with a pig mixed with an opossum. I kinda hate it."


Daughter: "Would you rather be a kid or an adult?"

Me: "A kid."

Daughter: "I'm a kid."

Me: "How's that working out for you?"

Daughter: "Pretty nice."

The older they get, the more I see my kids picking up my sense of humor, which is great because I am fucking hilarious.  Who would have thought years ago when I started this blog that I would have such a profound impact on impressionable young minds?  Great job, me.