Friday, December 1, 2023

November 2023 Joke Round-Up

  This month started off with leaves falling and weather getting colder.  Just a few days into the month we turned clocks back an hour making the already minimal hours of daylight seem even shorter as it’s now dark outside before I even get dinner made.  Needless to say, this month is shit and the only good thing about it is a holiday celebrating our gluttony.  I gorged myself on an obnoxious amount of food in an attempt to fill the dead spaces in my soul and chase away a deep case of the sads.  It hasn’t really worked yet, but I am determined to keep eating until I feel better about things.  The jokes reflect that, with many references to me eating and feeling awful about what and how much I ate.  Much like my eating, my joke-writing came in binges as well, with a 2 week lapse of jokes bookended by an outpouring of my dipshittery.  Let’s revisit them, shall we?


Me: "Why do I feel like shit all the time?"

Also Me: "Breakfast today is a frozen chicken patty and an energy drink."


I love my daughter, but watching movies with her is exhausting.  45 seconds into something neither of us have ever watched before and she is asking, "Who is that? What are they doing? What's happening?"

And I'm like, "I literally don't know, Abby. We have watched the exact same amount of this movie and I was not aware that there was assigned reading to do beforehand."


My wife: "Can you actually have a serious conversation without turning everything into a joke?"

Me: "No I cannot and you knew this when you married me."


I've had plenty of days where I've thought, "the weather is too nice to be doing yard work" and just as many where I have thought, "the weather is too nasty to be doing yard work." Interestingly, I've never had a day where I've thought, "this is good weather for yard work," so maybe the weather is not the problem.


When studying another language I think it's important to learn phrases that you would realistically use.  And man,  DuoLingo gets me.


If Asgard hadn't been destroyed by Surtur in Ragnarok, then Dollar General definitely would have opened a store there.


The most impressive part of my golf game is how many hot dogs I can put away at the turn.


My experience from when I worked in a grocery store was that 51 weeks of the year Stovetop Stuffing didn't sell at all.  Then for 3 days at Thanksgiving we couldn't keep it on the shelf.  Do people actually like the stuff or do they just eat it out of habit?


If I had to guess, Hallmark Channel would be the first to really embrace deepfake and AI technology.  They already just cast new actors to re-shoot the same movie 8,000 times.


Me right now


Yesterday I learned that yellow mustard is effective at relieving leg cramps.  I am going to use this information as an excuse when my wife catches me in the kitchen eating hot dogs at 2am.


Sometimes I spend a bit too much time thinking about how animals handle odd situations that are normal to humans.  Like I've seen videos of squirrels getting drunk from eating fermented pumpkins.  What does the squirrel think of that?  And of the hangover?  We understand the cause and effect of it.  But is the squirrel like, "Why am I so incredibly clumsy right now?  But also I feel strangely suave and charismatic."   And then the next morning the squirrel is like, "OMG I AM LITERALLY DYING AND I REALLY WANT CHINESE FOOD FOR SOME REASON."

That last joke there was a doozy, but I think it pretty accurately reflects what kind of dumb shit my brain occupies itself with.  Not gonna lie, it’s been a pretty rough little go of things from a mental health perspective lately.  Though I am completely lucky to have multiple support structures around me with family & friends.  This time of year is rough on a lot of people (hell, all times of year are rough on a lot of people) so make sure to reach out to those around you and spread love and support where you can.


Wednesday, November 1, 2023

October 2023 Joke Round-Up

  I am sitting here writing this end of month joke round up dressed as Freddie Mercury.  Possibly because it is Halloween and possibly just because that yellow marching band jacket looks cool as fuck and I just want to add a little razzle dazzle to me singing along to my Spotify playlist alone in the basement. Who knows?  Looking at this month’s jokes I seemingly have fallen into my comfort zone of just repeatedly talking about eating and pooping. Go with what you know, right?  I think that means I need to get out of my house more as I am spending way too much time alone.  So, these jokes…


I have a lot of problems with Chicago, ranging from their hockey team to the fact that they made a casserole and called it a pizza. But their idea to put a pickle and celery salt on hot dogs was genius.


I've reached a point in my life where I just chug Pepto straight out of the bottle instead of messing with the medicine cup.


As Halloween approaches I need someone to please explain popcorn balls to me, because I just don't get it.


My wife told me that I am the Roman Reigns of farting because I am not satisfied until everyone has acknowledged the fart.


The main driver of when I decide to turn the heat on in the house is how chilly the toilet seat gets. I can wear sweats and hoodies in the house, but once I can no longer comfortably poop then it's time to crank up the temp.


My son gets awfully concerned about who is eating what in the house for someone who buys 0% of the groceries.


Not content to simply spend my free time dwelling on stupid or cringey things that happened 10+ years ago, I make it a point to continue giving myself new embarrassing memories to haunt me in the decades to come.


Sometimes it's almost alarming how much my daughter is like me. For instance, last night I was in the kitchen hunched over the counter like a goblin, eating leftover fruit salad out of a giant Tupperware container. My daughter sees me and with no hesitation grabs a spoon and digs in as well.

In case you need a visual of the scene.


My daughter loves to bake. My best friend loves to barbecue. And I'm someone that loves to eat who has almost constant access to ribs and brownies.

For Christmas I'm asking for bigger pants.


Gonna pre-game this wedding reception with some shots.


If I had lived when outhouses were the norm, I'd have to either move to a tropical climate or just not poop from October to April.

At a certain point I should get sponsored by Pepto Bismol because I reference them quite a bit.  I need to monetize my tummy troubles rather than addressing them, it’s the American way.


Sunday, October 1, 2023

September 2023 Joke Round-Up

  Oof, September was a rough month for jokes.  In my defense, I had a lot on my plate for the month.  I finished up a 7 month leadership program at work and presented my capstone project near the end of the month and that took up an inordinate amount of brain power/worrying for a guy who has absolutely no fear of public speaking.  And at the end of October I’ll be officiating another wedding, so I’ve been working out all the kinks in writing that ceremony.  Needless to say, when you’re writing a work presentation and a wedding ceremony, your brain isn’t necessarily in “write dumb jokes” mode; but maybe that’s just me?  Or maybe I am just making excuses.  Let’s hope this very minimal amount of jokes are at least good.


"I wish I had some french fries, but ones that were not enjoyable at all." - the guy who invented sweet potato fries probably


In the interest of science, I switched my car radio to 99.1 for the first (and only) time ever yesterday. I immediately forgot that blinkers existed, could not keep my car between the lines on the highway, and couldn't maintain a consistent speed. This explains why every car with a JOY FM sticker is the worst driver you've ever seen.


My wife has so much anxiety that if there was a Miss Anxiety Pageant she'd be too anxious to go claim her prize so it would be awarded to the runner-up.


"Get in the pool, kids. It's time to swim." - Me to my toes as I take my socks off in bed


Today I am teaching my kids about telling the truth and how sometimes situations can get worse if we try to hide our mistakes and dodge responsibility.

Incidentally, our toilet is currently clogged with a bar of soap.


Have you ever heard a story of someone handling spicy foods, then inadvertently touching a delicate area and thought to yourself "I'm too smart to make that mistake"?

I also thought I was too smart for that, yet here I am in the bathroom with a cup of milk hating life.


Looks like only construction personnel are allowed to play on the playground.


How did pergolas become a thing? Did someone just run out of material and money before they could put a roof on their patio and say, "Fuck it, give it a fancy name and call it good."

I should take solace in the fact that I have set the bar very low for October based on what I did for September.  Let’s try not to shit it all up, okay?