Saturday, June 1, 2024

May '24 Joke Round-Up

  At the time of writing this, I only just realized that tomorrow is June, so I’m not sure if that means that I thought there was a May 32nd or what was going on, but this whole thing has taken me by surprise.  It’s been a very busy month for me, both personally and professionally.  And I feel like I illustrated that well in my jokes about eating hot wings and talking to my friends about going to the bathroom; I’m clearly at the top of my game at this point of my life.  Are the wings and the bathroom habits related? I’ll leave that for you to decide, Dear Reader.  Here are jokes.


Maybe Earth's nickname being "The Blue Planet" isn't because of the water but because we're all fucking depressed.


Is someone really your friend if you can't freely talk to them about bathroom habits?


If I won the lottery I wouldn't tell anybody, but there would be signs.


Lots of phone and internet services down in town today.  Live look at how I'm handling it.


If it's not already a thing, they need to put an ice cream shop & soda fountain in Disney World and call it Malt Disney.


The more I think about it, the sport of figure skating had somebody take out their competition with a metal pipe to the knee, so maybe professional wrestling isn't actually that far-fetched.


I had a good day at work with a lot of really nice things said about me.

But what I'm actually most proud of today is that I made it through an entire movie without having to take a bathroom break.


Idk, I felt like I needed to make this.


I guess this is what I'm doing today.


Not gonna lie, I'm kinda peeved that this news about the Trump verdict is preempting Jeopardy.  I was so ready to get my trivia on.

June is going to be great as we officially start the best part of the year: Summer.  And I will be happily sitting my ass in some water with a cold beverage.  I’m about to be in my Shirtless Era.


Wednesday, May 1, 2024

April '24 Joke Round-Up

  Well shit, April is over and I’m still a damn fool.  It’s been a busy month for me; stepping into a new role at work, new season starting for my hockey league, an absolute shitshow trying to moderate my town’s FB community page, and finding games/music/tv shows to help drown on the ever-present drum beat of time marching ominously forward.  Oh, and getting very little sleep because apparently that’s just my thing.  How about these jokes, though?


Back in January it was announced that my town's trash service would be undergoing some changes.  People were mad.  Those changes finally took effect this week.  People are still really mad.  But I will always look for an opportunity to make light of a situation and my local FB community page has been a big source of inspiration for me as there has been an endless stream of posts about the trash company over the past few months.


Not gonna lie, I took some Immodium earlier just to make sure that wouldn't be on the list of reasons why I may potentially miss the eclipse. Control the things you can.


I have decided that the reason I can't sleep at night is because the Sleep Fairy only grants a finite amount of sleep to each household and my wife keeps stealing my hours.


Nobody ever taught me how to Dougie.


"It's okay, today is Cheat Day." - Me every single day as I have cookies and ice cream for a meal.


"Please, call me Willy. My father was Mr. Nilly."


Woke up at 3am to water streaming into my basement.  And now I'm trying to remember why I wanted to own a home so badly. I don't wanna be responsible for all this shit.

Fun thing about those images I made early in the month, apparently that pissed off some people so much that there was a whole new discussion about how much I suck in one of the 4 or 5 “I Hate Ryan Rick” clubs that have sprung up on Facebook.  And honestly, the fact that those groups/threads exist on the internet would probably bother me if the people who were actively involved in them weren’t complete shitbags.  It is okay to be hated if the people that hate you are garbage, remember that.


Monday, April 1, 2024

March '24 Joke Round-Up

  Wow, I started off this month so strongly.  Then I completely shit the bed and took weeks off at a time from writing jokes.  It’s almost like I’m not even good at this and I’m just wasting everyone’s time!  Truth be told, I suspect I’m only wasting my own time because there is absolutely no way anyone even reads these things at this point.  Is this just me keeping a diary at this point?  Find out next time on “Ryan gets unnecessarily introspective.”  These are some jokes I wrote.


My submission for Father of the Year: My son was just talking to me about his new Kirby game and I missed everything he said because I was thinking about pizza.


I didn't want my wife to think I'd been in the bathroom for over an hour.


I like that when you hit your 30s your body just forgets how to do things that it had been properly doing for years.

"Yo! I usually grow hair on the shoulders right? No? Oh well it's there now, enjoy.  Also, kinda forgot what I'm doing with those eyebrows, but you can fix that, right? Cool.  One last thing, I don't really remember how to deal with alcohol anymore, so you're just gonna have to feel like shit for 2 days. Prepare accordingly."


So, apparently this has nothing to do with Cody Rhodes.


I have a blanket with our family photo on it.  This is how my wife folded that blanket.


My wife and my dog are both sick today. Same strategy for both: hide their medicine in a piece of cheese.


Having to put our sick dog in diapers feels like karma for all the times I've mentioned that I never had to worry about diapers with my kids because I didn't meet my wife until well after the kids were out of that stage.


The Red Cross is opening a Donor Rewards store where you can earn points for blood donations and redeem them for things like tumblers or gift cards.  I think it is a super nice gesture, but it also kinda feels like I'm selling my blood for swag now.


I have filled 2 trash cans full of gumballs and it doesn't look like I've done any yard work at all.  I need to know the statistics on how many people became atheists after having sweet gum trees in their yard and saying to themselves, "Clearly, this is not the creation of a being that loves me and wants me to be happy."

Re-reading this last one about gumballs just got me all pissed off again.  I hate these fucking trees so much.  After dealing with these trees for like 6 years now, my new answer to the question of “what’s the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?” is to cut down these fucking trees.  I don’t even care about buying a nicer house or anything, I could be moving out and my last act of vengeance would be to cut down these trees and curse the name of the person who thought they were a good idea.  Bastards.