Thursday, February 1, 2024

January '24 Joke Round-Up

  We are a month into 2024.  Of that month, there’s been like 3 days worth of sunlight. It has been fucking awful and I hate it.  Also, it’s been miserably cold for most of that.  And when it wasn’t miserably cold, it was still regular cold.  Everything about this time of year is the absolute worst and if you like it then you are wrong and awful too.  I said it and I stand firm in that belief, no take-backsies.  On the bright side, I am finally able to consistently remember what day of the week it is after the absolute anarchy that is the holiday season, so that’s something.  Obviously, my very first post from the new year had some strong feelings coming through about this season.  


The struggle I have with this time of year is that, pretty much starting with Thanksgiving, everything gets ridiculous for like a month and a half.  There's tons of days off work, people are off using up the last of their PTO before it expires, there's random parties all the time, cookies become a dietary staple, day drinking and general fuckery are the norm.  Then we get to New Year's and it's like "Hope you enjoyed the last 6 weeks of being a degenerate, you gotta have your life together tomorrow.  Also, it's the shittiest weather of the year so have fun, asshole."


We sat down to watch a movie as a family last night.  I pointed out several movies, all of which someone else had some sort of objection to watching.  After 20 minutes of bargaining, the family finally came to a consensus.  30 minutes into the movie my wife and son were both asleep and my daughter had left to go do something else in her room. Next time, I'm just gonna watch Big Trouble in Little China by myself.


Things I have recently found out my wife does not enjoy: me rubbing my butt on her while making kissy noises.

Things I have recently found out that I really enjoy: rubbing my butt on my wife while making kissy noises.


Just a normal conversation with my daughter.


Duolingo once again trying to teach me phrases it knows I will use.


If there's one thing I know to be true in life, it's that people who don't have 5 fucking sweet gum trees in their yard love to tell you that you shouldn't clean up your yard waste in the fall and that it's better to just leave it on the ground until spring.


I think one of the underrated perks of having an electric vehicle would be the ability to tell other people "It's electric. Boogie woogie woogie."


It's only karaoke if it comes from the Karaoke region of Japan. Otherwise it's just sparkling singalongs.


Aside from the love and companionship of an adorably fuzzy and snuggleable creature, my favorite thing about having dogs is that I pretty much never have to worry about cleaning up food that I spill on the floor.

So I clearly started off the year a little slow in that first 2 weeks.  It kinda feels like every month I am lamenting my lack of creativity in the writing process, so this is probably just how I am now.


Monday, January 1, 2024

December '23 Joke Round-Up

  At the time of me writing this, it’s a little before noon on New Year’s Eve.  Of course I’m not posting it until tomorrow morning, but I don’t want to feel like I am required to get anything done while I am celebrating the new year (sitting in my basement with friends) or potentially nursing a hangover.  I am wise in my years now and I am planning ahead.  The obvious risk I am taking is that if I come up with any super hilarious jokes this afternoon, I’ll have to hold on to them until tomorrow at the earliest and hope none of them were time sensitive, as I’m closing the books on my joke-writing for 2023.  So here is the last bath for this year.


One of the best things anyone in my family says to me is, "I'm full, do you want to finish this?"


It's an advertising miracle that Taco Bell commercials can look so enticing for something that is going to give me heartburn and diarrhea.


I've only been in this store long enough to hear 3 Christmas songs and I'm ready to burn the whole place down.  My sympathies to the poor souls who have to hear this shit all day.


Look at me. I'm the Tribal Chief now.  #AcknowledgeMe


I found a Thneed


My wife does not understand why I like the game PowerWash Simulator so much and to be honest, neither do I.


My wife just said the sexiest thing I've ever heard: "I want you to finish PowerWash Simulator so you can buy the new Mario game and I can watch you play it."


We are officially deep in the throes of the holiday season now; the time when people talk a big game about holiday spirit, being grateful, and “do unto others" while simultaneously acting like complete shit heads to everyone around them, ESPECIALLY if the people around them are retail or service workers.  So, in the spirit of all that is good and right in the world this holiday season, if you see someone being rude to a person who is just doing their job, please take it upon yourself to interject and let them know exactly how many bags of dicks they can eat.


Personally, I am Team "Not Satisfied With The Temperature Of My Shower Unless There Is A Risk Of Having To Visit The Burn Ward Afterwards."


I am deeply amused by pharmaceutical commercials that have people saying things like, "I have moderate to severe diarrhea" just in casual conversation with their friends and family.


The fire in the fireplace wasn't quite enough, so I put one on the TV to make things extra cozy.


From now on, consider all my flavors ENHANCED.


Instead of a gingerbread cookie house held together with icing, I want a tortilla chip house held together with queso.

Nachos. I just want a plate of nachos.


My wife is upset with me this Christmas Eve because I called her the c word. She did not appreciate being referred to as a cotton-headed-ninny-muggins.


Kind of ridiculous that on my days off I can look at the clock and realize that I've lost the last 4 hours of my life but that same thing never happens on work days.


A Marie Callender chicken pot pie takes 10 minutes to cook in the microwave or 65 minutes to cook in the oven.  It probably is better when cooked in the oven, but I'll never find out because I'm not waiting that long to eat.

What will the new year bring?  I can tell you with absolute sincerity that it will be a whole lot more of the same stupid bullshit I’ve written jokes about this past year and all the years before that: lots of potty humor and poor eating habits.  Joy!


Friday, December 1, 2023

November 2023 Joke Round-Up

  This month started off with leaves falling and weather getting colder.  Just a few days into the month we turned clocks back an hour making the already minimal hours of daylight seem even shorter as it’s now dark outside before I even get dinner made.  Needless to say, this month is shit and the only good thing about it is a holiday celebrating our gluttony.  I gorged myself on an obnoxious amount of food in an attempt to fill the dead spaces in my soul and chase away a deep case of the sads.  It hasn’t really worked yet, but I am determined to keep eating until I feel better about things.  The jokes reflect that, with many references to me eating and feeling awful about what and how much I ate.  Much like my eating, my joke-writing came in binges as well, with a 2 week lapse of jokes bookended by an outpouring of my dipshittery.  Let’s revisit them, shall we?


Me: "Why do I feel like shit all the time?"

Also Me: "Breakfast today is a frozen chicken patty and an energy drink."


I love my daughter, but watching movies with her is exhausting.  45 seconds into something neither of us have ever watched before and she is asking, "Who is that? What are they doing? What's happening?"

And I'm like, "I literally don't know, Abby. We have watched the exact same amount of this movie and I was not aware that there was assigned reading to do beforehand."


My wife: "Can you actually have a serious conversation without turning everything into a joke?"

Me: "No I cannot and you knew this when you married me."


I've had plenty of days where I've thought, "the weather is too nice to be doing yard work" and just as many where I have thought, "the weather is too nasty to be doing yard work." Interestingly, I've never had a day where I've thought, "this is good weather for yard work," so maybe the weather is not the problem.


When studying another language I think it's important to learn phrases that you would realistically use.  And man,  DuoLingo gets me.


If Asgard hadn't been destroyed by Surtur in Ragnarok, then Dollar General definitely would have opened a store there.


The most impressive part of my golf game is how many hot dogs I can put away at the turn.


My experience from when I worked in a grocery store was that 51 weeks of the year Stovetop Stuffing didn't sell at all.  Then for 3 days at Thanksgiving we couldn't keep it on the shelf.  Do people actually like the stuff or do they just eat it out of habit?


If I had to guess, Hallmark Channel would be the first to really embrace deepfake and AI technology.  They already just cast new actors to re-shoot the same movie 8,000 times.


Me right now


Yesterday I learned that yellow mustard is effective at relieving leg cramps.  I am going to use this information as an excuse when my wife catches me in the kitchen eating hot dogs at 2am.


Sometimes I spend a bit too much time thinking about how animals handle odd situations that are normal to humans.  Like I've seen videos of squirrels getting drunk from eating fermented pumpkins.  What does the squirrel think of that?  And of the hangover?  We understand the cause and effect of it.  But is the squirrel like, "Why am I so incredibly clumsy right now?  But also I feel strangely suave and charismatic."   And then the next morning the squirrel is like, "OMG I AM LITERALLY DYING AND I REALLY WANT CHINESE FOOD FOR SOME REASON."

That last joke there was a doozy, but I think it pretty accurately reflects what kind of dumb shit my brain occupies itself with.  Not gonna lie, it’s been a pretty rough little go of things from a mental health perspective lately.  Though I am completely lucky to have multiple support structures around me with family & friends.  This time of year is rough on a lot of people (hell, all times of year are rough on a lot of people) so make sure to reach out to those around you and spread love and support where you can.