Sunday, October 1, 2023

September 2023 Joke Round-Up

  Oof, September was a rough month for jokes.  In my defense, I had a lot on my plate for the month.  I finished up a 7 month leadership program at work and presented my capstone project near the end of the month and that took up an inordinate amount of brain power/worrying for a guy who has absolutely no fear of public speaking.  And at the end of October I’ll be officiating another wedding, so I’ve been working out all the kinks in writing that ceremony.  Needless to say, when you’re writing a work presentation and a wedding ceremony, your brain isn’t necessarily in “write dumb jokes” mode; but maybe that’s just me?  Or maybe I am just making excuses.  Let’s hope this very minimal amount of jokes are at least good.


"I wish I had some french fries, but ones that were not enjoyable at all." - the guy who invented sweet potato fries probably


In the interest of science, I switched my car radio to 99.1 for the first (and only) time ever yesterday. I immediately forgot that blinkers existed, could not keep my car between the lines on the highway, and couldn't maintain a consistent speed. This explains why every car with a JOY FM sticker is the worst driver you've ever seen.


My wife has so much anxiety that if there was a Miss Anxiety Pageant she'd be too anxious to go claim her prize so it would be awarded to the runner-up.


"Get in the pool, kids. It's time to swim." - Me to my toes as I take my socks off in bed


Today I am teaching my kids about telling the truth and how sometimes situations can get worse if we try to hide our mistakes and dodge responsibility.

Incidentally, our toilet is currently clogged with a bar of soap.


Have you ever heard a story of someone handling spicy foods, then inadvertently touching a delicate area and thought to yourself "I'm too smart to make that mistake"?

I also thought I was too smart for that, yet here I am in the bathroom with a cup of milk hating life.


Looks like only construction personnel are allowed to play on the playground.


How did pergolas become a thing? Did someone just run out of material and money before they could put a roof on their patio and say, "Fuck it, give it a fancy name and call it good."

I should take solace in the fact that I have set the bar very low for October based on what I did for September.  Let’s try not to shit it all up, okay?


Friday, September 1, 2023

August 2023 Joke Round-Up

  Well, we officially are just a few short weeks away from the season changing to fall and me being mad as hell about the temperatures outside for months on end.  And I’ve still yet to achieve my summer beach body.  Lame.  I think the crux of the issues is that, much like a dog, I am very food motivated so everything I would reward myself with for making healthy life choices would immediately undo said life choices.  I guess if my daughter continues to put aloe in the places where I look for food, I might start getting gun shy about all my snacking habits.  Or maybe aloe is an acquired taste and I’d learn to love it.  Anyways, these jokes.


Walk in the door after hockey, turn on the light and see Barclay just sitting and staring at me like, "Do you have any idea what time it is?"


For whatever reason my daughter put aloe into a silicone baking mold and put it in the freezer. And yet somehow I'm the weird one for eating what I thought was some type of fun-shaped green gelatin snack that I found in the place where we keep food.

It tasted like shit, fyi.


It's fine. This is fine.


I am 5'11" and for the most part all of my friends are within a few inches of that as well, so I never really feel like I am short until I go to a concert and apparently everyone else that also purchased tickets to the show just came from playing in an NBA game.


If I had to get a tattoo of something that I hold dear to my heart and knew would always remain special to me, it would be a hot wing.


My kids went back to school today and now my dogs are suddenly aware that I also exist in this house.


Spotify you need to calm the hell down with these suggestions. I am nowhere near hungover today; I stopped partying on Tuesday nights like a decade ago.


Okay, now it seems like Spotify really does get me.


I personally enjoy when I click on what looks to be an interesting news article, only to be informed that I've reached my free article limit on a site that I have literally never been to before in my life.


I have noticed from the groups that I admin that a lot of fake FB accounts have 2 first names. This feels like a personal attack.


On the one hand, I am enjoying a quiet work environment at home now that the kids are back in school. On the other hand, I forgot that back to school would mean I'd have homework every night again. I do not enjoy homework.


The store had 2-packs of Pepto on sale Buy One Get One 1/2 Off, so my wife and I obviously took advantage of that. But this is a situation where I am thankful for self-checkout because we really don't need another human being to ring up 4 bottles of Pepto Bismol and wonder what the hell is wrong with us.


I thought my underwear felt unusually uncomfortable this morning. 7 hours later I realized that I had put them on backwards. That's embarrassing, but not so embarrassing that I won't post it here for meaningless internet points.


In an effort to be a little more active today, I opted to walk home from an event near our house instead of driving. This turned into me running through the neighborhood while the rest of the family acted as my pace car. Sadly, they would not play "Eye of the Tiger" for me. But I found out that I can run 15mph.

Honestly, really think there should have been more fanfare surrounding my little run there.  Like, I could have been awarded a hot wing for each MPH that I achieved.  That would’ve been very motivational.


Tuesday, August 1, 2023

July 2023 Joke Round-Up

  July may be over, but we’ve still got August and ⅔ of September that are Summer so if you’re out there talking about how “it's spooky season” or you’re ready for fall, I need you to know how terrible you are because fall is ass and so are you.  Now, it is almost time for my kids to go back to school and that is both pretty cool because I’ll go back to a quiet house while I work, and also awful and anxiety-inducing because I am not mentally prepared for helping out with schoolwork in the evenings again yet.  It’s bullshit,  I am 36 years old and I was certain that I would have been finished with homework long, long ago.  Here are some jokes.


Me every time my dog gets annoyed with me for snuggling him too much:


It's interesting to me how many people claim they are writing books that, by all appearances, are entirely unqualified to do so. I've seen the shit you post; how are you gonna write a book when you can't form a sentence?


My wife and I are meeting some friends for drinks at a winery tonight. Wineries are not my scene, so I'm struggling to figure out what the appropriate attire would be. Is this okay?


Honestly kind of a shame that the only lasting legacy of the Ottoman Empire are foot stools.


Abby: "Can we go get sno-cones?"

Me: "We have to see if mom and Henry want them too."

Abby: "Not if we keep it a secret."

Dang, my daughter is too much like me because I 100% try to hide all the fast food I eat from the rest of the family.


My wife and I: "Let's get the kids laptops for school next year. And upgrade our wireless router to mesh. We've got the money for a few extra purchases."

Our refrigerator:


One of the things I enjoy about the FB algorithm is when you join a new page or add a friend it is like, "YO! Let me make every post on your feed be from this to catch you up on what's been going on for the last 30 weeks!"


Its kinda fucked up how shitty flour is on its own but gets turned into so many awesome things like bread and pasta and gravy.


I am almost always aware that I'm being weird its just that I'm also usually powerless to stop myself.


I really enjoy Halloween, but I feel like there's a lot of overlap of people who get mad about Christmas stuff popping up in stores in October and people who are already saying "it's spooky season" while we're here in July.

There's still lots of time to float around in a pool with a cold drink.


The inventor of football really just said, "I need a ball, but I need it to be the wrong shape."


If hash browns are an acceptable breakfast food, then there's no reason why you can't have french fries for breakfast.


Me, driving the family minivan:

🎶"Poppin' bottles in the ice, like a blizzard

When we drink, we do it right gettin' slizard

Sippin' sizzurp in my ride (in my ride) like Three 6

Now I'm feelin' so fly like a G6"🎶

It is worth mentioning that this stupid ass refrigerator is randomly deciding to stop cooling and the repairman we had out couldn’t figure it out yet, so my current strategy is just to not leave any leftovers that need to be stored in the fridge.  I love to eat.