Saturday, January 1, 2022

December 2021 Joke Round-Up

                My December joke round up is actually the only one of the round ups that I put together the morning of the 1st each year, all the rest of them I throw together at night on the last day of each month.  Naturally, this is because I am always making very responsible decisions on New Year’s Eve each year.  This year was no different as I successfully ate and drank enough in the comfort of my own basement that I feel slightly less than human this morning.  And in the fully spirit of the holiday, I’m sitting here with a spiked coffee this morning organizing this post as well.   It is an absolutely disgusting and rainy day outside today and I woke up to find water dripping into my basement, so I have already spent the morning outside in the rain cleaning gutters and building up some low-lying landscaping to get the rain to flow into the yard and not my basement.  It’s alright, we’ll start off the year shitty so that everything else seems better by comparison!  Now let’s look at old jokes.



I took the kids to an event at the local movie theater this past weekend and all 3 of us received a free soda and popcorn. As we were leaving, I noticed that my son hadn't eaten any of his popcorn and I was excited at the prospect of having movie theater popcorn to enjoy at home, only to watch in horror as dropped it into the trash can on the way out the door. Currently looking to re-home him because of this egregious act.



Love is when your wife comes home from the store with a few of the microwave burritos you enjoy even though she knows she'll have to deal with the resulting farts.



Get this guy a Puppers.



Me, catching my son on his tablet 2 hours after I said no tablets: "I already said to put tablets away. Put it away."

Son: "I was just..."




Just so there's no confusion over my wishes: if at any point I am in need of an ambulance, just let me fucking die. I'm not paying that bill.



My daughter has picked up a lot of habits from me, but her organizational skills are not one of them. Not sure how she even functions like this.



Crawling through an air duct, just like that scene from a very famous Christmas movie.



Blues fans are currently very excited about their backup-backup(-backup?) goalie, Charlie Lindgren, who has filled in for several games due to injuries/illness. And I'm just a big fan of making silly lists.



My daughter wanted to make some slime and my wife went out and bought all the ingredients for the slime recipe but inadvertently bought shaving gel instead of shaving cream. So I took the shave gel and let my daughter use my shaving cream instead.

And that is why for the foreseeable future I will be using some Ladies Skintimate Shave gel on my face and neck.



I know climate change is literally destroying the planet, but I'm wearing shorts and a t-shirt to clean up my yard on Christmas Eve and it's hard to not enjoy that.



What am I getting for Christmas? Drunk. I'm getting drunk for Christmas.



Why does my dog look like a boomer trying to take a profile pic?



If I'm being completely honest with myself, since about the time I was 15 the only real motivation I've ever had for taking a shower was the hope that someone would want to play with my dick in the near future.



Why does my back hurt today? Because I had wings last night and I can't stop myself from hunching over like a goblin greedily protecting its loot whenever I eat them.


                The back pain from the wings was totally worth it.  Now I’m gonna go take a shower and hope for the best.


Wednesday, December 1, 2021

November '21 Joke Round-Up

               November was all about nostalgia.  I have a joke about a song from 2004, a movie from 1999, another movie from 1985, and video games ranging from 1991 to 2002.  Apparently I am trying hard to forget that I am aging not-so-gracefully and delving into the past HARD.  But you know what, fuck it! It’s getting colder and shittier outside and I’ve got 5 trees worth of leaves and gumballs that I still need to clean up from my yard and there’s not enough damn sunlight to do it, so I will keep myself sane and happy by endlessly driving around Vice City in a Deluxo listening to Wave 103 (and kudos to you if you understood all of that).  Here are some old jokes.



Gonna kick Dr. Robotnik's ass.



Today's school cafeteria lunch is chicken nuggets so my daughter has prepped for it by packing her own barbecue sauce in her backpack.

It's really nice to see the impact I'm having on my children's lives.



Gonna treat myself to a little nightcap.


It's been a full month now since I completed the legal adoption of my kids. After talking it over with my wife, we agreed that I should refer to that as their "Gotcha Day."



I'm with my son and one of his friends at my alma mater for a STEM Day event with scouts. I walked them over to the student center for lunch and upon entering the building and seeing the layout and the signs listing the amenities my son turns to his friend wide-eyed and whispered, "Oh my god, college has everything!"



I don't even know how to play an ocarina.


Bonus pic from my last work meeting background because the sunlight coming into the room made it look like I was warping into the temple.



There's a reason why I've got that "Group Expert" designation for this hockey group.



The song "Tipsy" by J-Kwon came out in 2004. Last night I was shocked to learn that the version of the song that I've known for the last 17 years was actually the radio edit.



I took my dog to the groomers yesterday. I think he's a little peeved at me for getting him a haircut when it's getting colder out because last night when I let him outside he turned to look at me and then immediately took a dump in the middle of our patio.



This picture taken shortly before I fell off the edge of the track for the 18th time.


The 2 most recent snaps I sent to my wife. Barclay and I clean up nicely.


My son is supposed to bring in a family favorite recipe to school, so I'm helping him with that. But I told him he needs to write 7 or 8 paragraphs about random shit for his teacher to read before she gets to the recipe itself.



Just enjoying my time in Vice City.


Found this online yesterday. I swear to god, if I see what looks to be some delicious wings and end up eating soap, everybody is gonna catch hands. This is just deceitful.


I really should do more to make use of my status as an ordained minister. Might just show up to some random churches, step up to the pulpit and say a few words.



This past weekend I finally watched The Matrix for the first time, a mere 22 years after its initial release. So, just in case anyone was wondering what my backlog of movies/tv shows to watch is like, there you go.


                At this point I’m just trying to make it through the end of this year so that as soon as January rolls around I can start making a bunch of terrible jokes about dropping deuces.



Monday, November 1, 2021

October 2021 Joke Round-Up

                Oof, this was not a good month for me from a joke standpoint (at least quantity-wise, presumably they’re all pretty rough months quality-wise).  Aside from my poor effort at joke-writing, October was a damn decent month: hockey season started, I got a new nephew, I officially adopted my kids (which I haven’t written a joke about…yet).  And then there’s the fun things I did get to write jokes about, like using the word girth and uncomfortable amount with my wife and also escaping responsibility for my farts by blaming my COVID booster.  Neat.



Someone on one of my work calls today told me that I had a good voice for radio. I told them that I normally only hear that about my face.



*Seeing my wife looking at pictures of hair on her phone*

Me: "Whatcha doing?"

Wife: "Looking at hairstyles. I like the length I have but am thinking of changing the"

Me: "Girth?"

Wife: "No. Anyways, I'm kind of thinking of some layering that will keep the length but not the..."

Me: "Girth?"




Abigail: "I'm the smartest. I can answer any question."

Me: "Really? Who wrote the Pythagorean Theroem?"

Henry: "Tom Brady."

I don't even watch football so I have no idea where this kid comes up with this shit.



Watching The Price Is Right with the family. My wife enjoys when one contestant bids close enough to win both prize packages in the showcase showdown. I enjoy it when they both overbid and nobody wins a prize. This really does a great job of summarizing our personalities.



Hanging out in the Mushroom Kingdom.


I got eaten by a fish while looking for a princess.


I am proud to say that my kids like my cooking (no small feat!) but sometimes I think they overestimate my proficiency in the kitchen.

Abby: "Do you think you could be on Guy's Grocery Games?"

Me: "I could absolutely be on the show. I'd go down as the worst contestant in the history of the show, but I could at least be in attendance."



Just a normal family conversation in my house.

Me: "I have a really bad headache."

Wife: "Make it stop."

Me: "I know how to stop it." *covers face with pillow*

Daughter: "How does covering your face with a pillow help?"

Wife: "He's trying to suffocate himself."

Daughter: "Wow. Good job."



My wife and I got our COVID booster shots yesterday, so for at least the next few days I'm going to blame every dumb or annoying thing I do on the vaccine. For example, last night I told her that me farting in bed was a side effect of the shot.



Somewhere in an internet comments section right now, one of the dumbest people you know is typing "Let's go Brandon" and thinking they're clever for it.



Friendly reminder to check your kids Halloween candy tonight. Not because there might be drugs in there (nobody is giving away their edibles to kids for funsies) but because there might be some garbage like black licorice in there that nobody should be subjected to.


                That joke making fun of people commenting “let’s go Brandon” really got one rando big mad in my comments section, so that was fun, too.  We’re getting close to the holidays now so I’m looking forward to all the terrible dietary choices that entails.  Perhaps my belly will get so big that my arms won’t reach the keyboard.  I’m tired already just thinking about it.