Wednesday, June 1, 2022

May 2022 Joke Round-Up

              Well, since my last monthly round up, the Blues have both started and ended their playoff run, which was exciting, upsetting, joyful and maddening all in the matter of a couple of weeks.  I also officiated a wedding (aww!), rendered myself unable to currently walk due to injury (oof!), and attempted to make a name for myself in real estate (huh?).  Everything else was just a standard month of poop jokes, me eating too much, and my kids having no chill.  So about those jokes.

 

5/2
When you get out the potato chips and next thing you know you've eaten the whole bag, that's a snaccident.
 
5/3
Personally, I feel like the movie Dogma should be a required watch for all politicians and supreme court justices.

 
5/4
Pretty much every morning like clockwork.
Me: "Looks like it's just about time to log in for work."
My colon:

 
5/12
I would've liked to have seen how people who are angry about self-checkouts now handled life when gas stations did away with attendants and switched to self-service pumps. Just sitting in their cars shouting, "I DON'T WORK HERE!"
 
5/13
I would like a response on this, Donna. Trying to make some supplemental income selling houses I don't own, since you're offering.

 
5/21
Thinking for future weddings that I officiate I'll throw in a little Price is Right PSA at the end of it.
"I now pronounce you man and wife, you may kiss the bride. Help control the pet population, get your pet spayed or neutered."
 
5/24
My wife watches a lot of rock shows on Facebook and that sounds pretty cool until you find out that it's shows where people sell decorative rocks, not shows with rock & roll music.
 
5/25
My daughter saw some of my spreadsheets on my work computer and asked what I do and how I do it. So I gave her a quick explanation of what I do and how I read one of my Excel reports.
Me: "And I also sometimes teach other people how to read this report so they can use it on their programs."
Abby: "Are you any good at teaching them? Because I still don't know how to do it."
 
5/26
This past Saturday I officiated a friend's wedding. And then Sunday, I ended up with a pretty nasty knee injury in hockey. This week has been spent hobbling around on crutches, meeting with the doctor for tests & xrays to try to find out what exactly I did, and wistfully looking at my friend's wedding photos as I recall what life was like with 2 good legs.

 
5/29
I was talking hockey in a FB group the other day and some random fan of the other team attempted to trash talk me by saying, "Enjoy the offseason because we're eliminating you tomorrow" which is honestly just stupid as hell. Neither of us is playing in the game. I'm not getting eliminated, he's just a fucking guy who will be watching the game on tv trying to insult another guy who will be watching the game on tv because I cheer for a different sweater than he does. I wonder if that dude gets just as fired up shit-talking people who like a different contestant from him on The Masked Singer.
 
               It is worth mentioning along with the last joke that, as much as I love hockey, I actually do enjoy the offseason due in large part to the fact that I’m pretty normal human being with varied hobbies and interests.  When hockey season is over, that frees up roughly 3 nights of week where I would have been watching hockey that I now can fill with other things that I also like to do.  The world is already a depressing enough place, there’s no need to make myself overly upset over the end of a season of sports. 
 
-Ryan

Sunday, May 1, 2022

April 2022 Joke Round-Up

               Today is the first day of May, so that means it’s time to look back at all the ways I failed to capitalize on April, right?  For real, April was a pretty low-key month.  I had a solid week of vacation in Mexico with my wife in which I didn’t write any jokes because I had effectively shut off my brain from doing anything other than ordering whatever food and drink I wanted (and attempting to do so in Spanish, a language that I haven’t used consistently since high school).  It is also telling that I have not one, but two posts talking about checkups at the doctor so at least I am in the habit of attempting to take care of my soft, shitty, aging body. Let’s check out those jokes.

 

4/3

I didn't drink any alcoholic beverages yesterday but this morning it would seem that my body just gave me a hangover out of habit.

 

4/4

My wife does not like peach or mango, so sometimes I will get myself things with those flavors just so I don't have to share them. #MarriageHack

 

4/6

Last night I dreamt that I was going to have a dance off with Paula Abdul, but dream me thought she was Gloria Estefan so I kept requesting songs by Gloria Estefan, which made Paula Abdul think I was purposely trolling her.

And this just seems like the kind of information that needs to be shared.

 

4/9

My wife fed the dogs before leaving for work this morning and I, not knowing this, ended up feeding them again when I got up. Now I'm worried that the dogs are going to be looking at me like this every morning.


4/14

Got checked for diabetes today after a health screening at work last month flagged a high blood sugar reading. My doctor gave me the all clear, so now I'm gonna eat a bunch of cake to celebrate.

 

4/17

I thought I would wear a shirt honoring our savior who was once thought dead but then miraculously rose again after nearly 70 years in ice.


 4/25

Properly pairing your food and alcohol choices is the difference between being cultured and just being a drunk.

 

4/28

Went to the doctor for a yearly physical and I'm as healthy as someone who is overall pretty healthy but could still stand to eat a little better and exercise a bit more.

 

4/29

Just poking fun at all the nosy folks that immediately run to the local community page every time they hear a siren in town.

 

               With May now I have a few things to look forward to, mostly notably the emotional rollercoaster of playoff hockey and my yearly tradition of disappointing my wife on Mother’s Day.  I also snuck in my first grass-cutting of the year and I think I’ve made it perfectly clear in previous posts and jokes how I feel about yard work, so I’ve got the next few months of dancing my lawnmower around the yard while cursing whatever asshole planted gumball trees in this yard.  Fun.

 

-Ryan





Friday, April 1, 2022

March 2022 Joke Round-Up

               March is over and I end the month older than when I started it.  I’m only slightly embarrassed to admit that I lost a good chunk of this month to being hungover.  That’s not to see that I spent the month getting drunk, the hangovers apparently just last so much longer these days.  I am going to go ahead and blame those hangovers.  You can see from the jokes that at least my wife and I have begun to prepare for our bodies to be unable to party like they used to.  In addition to questioning my body’s fortitude in the face of food and drink, this month also saw my manhood and my hockey skills being questioned so really it’s just a model of consistency in my well-established deprecating humor.  And now the jokes.

 

3/2

Describing the unhinged section of the American political spectrum using the NFL. Works out surprisingly well.

 

3/5

Had a random guy in a comments section tell me I need to be more manly because I used a reaction gif with a *gasp* woman in it.

Cannot imagine how much therapy it would take to work through that level of insecurity. Yikes.

 

3/9

My daughter and I watch a lot of Food Network shows together. Tonight as I was chopping up carrots, celery, and onion for dinner she walked into the room, saw what I was doing and said, "Ooh, making a mirepoix?"

Uncle Bobby & Uncle Guy have a lot of influence here.

 

3/13

I play hockey on Sundays and occasionally have games at 10:30 pm, which means I don't get to bed until around 1 am. Thankfully, I have a very strict routine for dealing with those late games.

-No caffeine after 2pm on game day

-Eat a nice, healthy dinner about 7ish.

-Low music on the drive home

-Relaxing hot shower

-Lay in bed, pissed off that I can't sleep

-Feel like shit the next day and slam coffee/soda/energy drinks

 

3/14

I will definitely play a few shifts out there but calling what I do "help" is pretty generous terminology.

 

3/15

Ameren came out last night and dug up half of our yard due to an underground gas leak at our house.

And for the first and hopefully last time the phrase "underground gas leak" is not a reference to me farting in the basement.

 

3/23

I will never understand how my wife can fall asleep in the living room for an hour or two, then get up, go to bed and fall right asleep like nothing. If I even close my eyes for 5 minutes on the couch my body decides I should stay up til fucking 2 a.m.

 

3/24

Personally, I think steak is perfect when cooked medium rare. But if you're paying for a steak, then you're welcome to have it cooked however you'd like. You can also drop money on a Bentley to use in a demolition derby if that's how you wanna waste your money.

 

3/28

I like to show my appreciation.

 

3/29

My wife and I have an upcoming 2nd honeymoon planned. In preparation for a whole week without kids at an all-inclusive resort in Mexico, we stopped by the pharmacy to pick up some essentials so we can really let loose and get wild.

We're old.

 

3/31

Recently, country music artist Eric Church canceled an upcoming concert so that he can watch an NCAA basketball game and there are apparently a lot of people who are very upset about this. Personally, I support his decision to cancel the show. I would support his decision to cancel more shows. I am in favor of the cancellation of any and all country music concerts. Nobody should have to listen to that.

 

                As mentioned in one of those jokes, I do have an upcoming trip to Mexico planned.  I don’t think it’s TMI (because I’m pretty sure I made a joke about it when it happened) but last time my wife and I went I had to go to the doctor for pooping too much when we got back stateside, so fingers crossed that either those meds work out or I am blessed with some really inspired poop jokes next month.

 

-Ryan