Saturday, October 1, 2022

September 2022 Joke Round-Up

               It is October.  On the one hand, that means hockey is back.  On the other hand, that means we are now officially in the complete shitfest of a season that is fall, barreling stupidly towards the equally (if not more so) shitty season of winter.  It’s getting cold and it’s getting dark earlier and I hate it.  But you knew this already because part of who I am fundamentally as a person is to endlessly complain about how much I hate those seasons; it’s core to my being.  But back to the positive, hockey is back. And speaking of hockey, after news that the league I was playing in was going to fold, I have become a co-commissioner of that league in order to help it continue existing, so that is new and fun.  We actually start our new season tomorrow and I am hoping to actually be cleared to play from my knee injury within the next few month as well.  And as you can see from the jokes about both physical and mental therapy, I appear to be doing just fine.
I was chatting with some co-workers about how much I love the functionality of MS Excel (nerd!). Then I busted out this bad boy on them.
One of my favorite things to do as a dad is to sneak foods that the kids claim to hate (onions, mushrooms, etc.) into the dishes I make for dinner and watch them happily chow it down, completely oblivious.
When you get a new microwave and are about to try out the "Popcorn" button on a bag of microwave popcorn for the first time...
My wife was laying on the floor trying to play with one of the dogs. I thought the visual looked familiar...


I know some people are concerned about Mercury being in retrograde, but my living room lamp is angled to the southwest, so in the land of made-up nonsense I think it all cancels out.
If you wax and curl your mustache, then I assume that you also tie women to train tracks.
I had no idea I could earn tickets or prizes for this. I've spent my life doing it just for the hit of dopamine.

Came across this ad last night while I was up late, unable to sleep. Thought it wasn't quite on the nose enough, so I touched it up a bit for the sake of accuracy.

I do not understand how Renaissance Faires work. Can you just show up dressed as the king? If multiple people do this, are they obligated to go to war?
This afternoon I have physical therapy on my knee, followed by donating blood, and then a CPR class. So today is a delicate balance of eating and drinking enough that I don't pass out donating blood while also not overdoing it to the point that I vomit during my PT exercises. And making sure I am still awake for CPR.
Also need to make sure I keep all of the scheduling straight because I'm only supposed to bleed at one of those places.
When your office is downstairs but you just had leg day.

The American Idiot album came out in 2004. So the song Wake Me Up When September Ends has been around for 18 years now.
At this point, repeating the "wake up that guy from Green Day" joke has the exact same energy as telling the cashier "guess that means it's free!" when an item won't scan.
               I had a couple of consistent strings of daily jokes there.  Nice, look at me go.  Don’t get used to that though, I like to keep expectations low.  Of course, if you are reading this at all, you likely already have exceedingly low expectations for me, so I think we’re okay.

Thursday, September 1, 2022

August 2022 Joke Round-Up

              So that’s it for August.  As you, dear reader (singular) may recall, I had COVID at the end of July.  While I only felt really bad for one day, it’s a whole month later and I’ll be damned if I’m not still feeling that ‘rona fatigue.  To be honest, I really didn’t need any help feeling tired all the time as the ever-beating drum of time combined with parenthood has done a pretty fine job of doing that already, but I guess I’ll just consider this a little bit of bonus exhaustion.  That lil bit of extra fatigue has paired nicely with my physical therapy on my knee, too, but we’re powering through and getting ever closer to being 100% and getting back to hockey.  Anyways, let’s see these jokes.
For the first time in a long while, I got the chance to sit down and play some video games for several hours straight. Apparently, my body didn't know how to handle that because when I tried to stand up to walk to the bathroom, I very quickly and clumsily realized that both of my legs had fallen asleep. And as luck would have it, there's a picture of what happened:

My knee has improved enough that yesterday, for the first time since May, I mowed the lawn. Remembering how much I hate it, today I asked my physical therapist if he'd send me home with a note saying I'm not allowed to do that.
I put a few items on the shopping list for my wife. #SubliminalMessages

I'm having pizza and coffee for breakfast because, as my knee improves, I'm really looking to test my limits and see just how quickly I can make it to the bathroom.
Honestly, I'm a little bummed that loss of taste and smell were not included with my covid symptoms because I was fully prepared to just be SLAMMING shots of tequila in my basement.
My local community page has a rule against bashing businesses. And according to some of the dumber members of the group, it is a violation of their first amendment rights to not be allowed to complain that the food they ordered from Taco Bell was exactly the level of quality food you should expect when ordering from Taco Bell.

Me clicking Hide on every "inspirational" post referencing god or religion that pops up in my FB timeline.

One of my best friends is getting married this weekend and rehabbing my knee enough to dance at his wedding has been one of my major goals during physical therapy. It's been a lot of hard work, but this leg is gonna get stanky.
I've reached a point in my life where I would pay extra for a hotel room with a bidet.
A couple of weeks ago I hit my 2 year anniversary at work. And yesterday I actually went in to one of the offices for the first time since I started. As luck would have it, one of the security cameras captured me exploring the building.

It would appear that I just jammed all of my jokes into the middle of the month and took the first and last weeks of August off.    Taking 50% of the month off from writing jokes is certainly a strategy.  We’ll see how that plays out next month.

Monday, August 1, 2022

July 2022 Joke Round-Up

               Well, this has been a month of my life.  I started this month on vacation and I’m ending the month in quarantine.  In the days in between those two things, I explored my appreciation for bidets (multiple times) and found out exactly what I did to my knee (hairline fracture to femur, sprain to ACL, tear in meniscus), and had delusions about my ability to both play hockey and be a musical entertainer.  So let’s get to these jokes.
I got back home from vacation yesterday and more than anything else I was really just excited to be back to a bathroom with a bidet. #Pampered
I think the main perk to swimming in a natural body of water instead of a pool is just being able to pee any time you need to.
I finally got an MRI on my knee from that hockey injury back in May and it appears the official diagnosis is that I "fucked it up pretty good."
My wife, thoughtful as ever, got me a stationary bike to help keep my conditioning up while I'm rehabbing my knee and unable to run or play hockey. It's either an extremely sweet gesture or she is not-so-subtly telling me that I'm getting tubby.
It always boggles my mind when someone who claims to have worked in service or retail says things like, "the customer is always right" or "employees should be more respectful." At that point, I'm going to need to see your resume and call your previous employer for verification because one of the great universal truths is that customers represent the general public at their absolute worst.
Every time I see an ad for power-washing with before and after pics I think to myself, "this is also an effective advertisement for bidets."
Incense is the La Croix of the smell world. Everything just smells like you're burning baby powder while looking at a picture of whatever scent it's advertised to be.
A trailer dropped yesterday for a new Dungeons & Dragons movie. And honestly, I am not going to be satisfied with the D&D movie unless we see them completely bungle what should be a simple interrogation with a capture enemy and also spend 45 minutes checking a normal chest for a trap only to sprint into the next room of the dungeon with absolutely no cares, setting off a trap that knocks out one of the party members.
I had a dream the other night that my knee was healed up and I was back to playing hockey. I realized it was a dream because I was actually playing well.
I wonder how long it'll take my wife to notice that I was messing with her bookshelf...

I've got several consecutive days where I am not allowed to go upstairs, cook dinner, do housework, hang out with the family, etc. I'm quarantined in the basement with my Xbox where I cannot possibly be interrupted by anyone or anything else. And all I want to do is sleep. Covid is a cruel mistress.
What it feels like to be quarantined in the basement and have to shout up the stairs asking my wife to toss down anything I need.

Some of my close friends know that I was actually the 6th Backstreet Boy. As such, I was actually supposed to be performing with them in St. Louis tonight, but just count that as 1 more thing that covid took from all of us.
               Thanks to modern medicine and vaccines (from the bottom of my heart, if you’re an antivaxxer please go fuck yourself), my tussle with COVID has been pretty manageable.  I will say that I have now completely readdressed my definition of what it means to be tired, holy shit.  But I’m on the mend from both the virus and the knee injury, so there’s gonna be better days ahead!