Monday, August 1, 2022

July 2022 Joke Round-Up

               Well, this has been a month of my life.  I started this month on vacation and I’m ending the month in quarantine.  In the days in between those two things, I explored my appreciation for bidets (multiple times) and found out exactly what I did to my knee (hairline fracture to femur, sprain to ACL, tear in meniscus), and had delusions about my ability to both play hockey and be a musical entertainer.  So let’s get to these jokes.
I got back home from vacation yesterday and more than anything else I was really just excited to be back to a bathroom with a bidet. #Pampered
I think the main perk to swimming in a natural body of water instead of a pool is just being able to pee any time you need to.
I finally got an MRI on my knee from that hockey injury back in May and it appears the official diagnosis is that I "fucked it up pretty good."
My wife, thoughtful as ever, got me a stationary bike to help keep my conditioning up while I'm rehabbing my knee and unable to run or play hockey. It's either an extremely sweet gesture or she is not-so-subtly telling me that I'm getting tubby.
It always boggles my mind when someone who claims to have worked in service or retail says things like, "the customer is always right" or "employees should be more respectful." At that point, I'm going to need to see your resume and call your previous employer for verification because one of the great universal truths is that customers represent the general public at their absolute worst.
Every time I see an ad for power-washing with before and after pics I think to myself, "this is also an effective advertisement for bidets."
Incense is the La Croix of the smell world. Everything just smells like you're burning baby powder while looking at a picture of whatever scent it's advertised to be.
A trailer dropped yesterday for a new Dungeons & Dragons movie. And honestly, I am not going to be satisfied with the D&D movie unless we see them completely bungle what should be a simple interrogation with a capture enemy and also spend 45 minutes checking a normal chest for a trap only to sprint into the next room of the dungeon with absolutely no cares, setting off a trap that knocks out one of the party members.
I had a dream the other night that my knee was healed up and I was back to playing hockey. I realized it was a dream because I was actually playing well.
I wonder how long it'll take my wife to notice that I was messing with her bookshelf...

I've got several consecutive days where I am not allowed to go upstairs, cook dinner, do housework, hang out with the family, etc. I'm quarantined in the basement with my Xbox where I cannot possibly be interrupted by anyone or anything else. And all I want to do is sleep. Covid is a cruel mistress.
What it feels like to be quarantined in the basement and have to shout up the stairs asking my wife to toss down anything I need.

Some of my close friends know that I was actually the 6th Backstreet Boy. As such, I was actually supposed to be performing with them in St. Louis tonight, but just count that as 1 more thing that covid took from all of us.
               Thanks to modern medicine and vaccines (from the bottom of my heart, if you’re an antivaxxer please go fuck yourself), my tussle with COVID has been pretty manageable.  I will say that I have now completely readdressed my definition of what it means to be tired, holy shit.  But I’m on the mend from both the virus and the knee injury, so there’s gonna be better days ahead!



Friday, July 1, 2022

June 2022 Joke Round-Up

               Despite the fact that this is set to post on July 1st, I’m actually writing it on June 29th because I am set to leave on vacation in the morning and there is no way in hell I will have the motivation nor the wherewithal to write this the last night of the month like I usually do.   So, I sure hope I don’t just go on a joke-writing spree on June 30th, which is unlikely considering the rest of the month has been almost completely devoid of joke-writing for me already.   On a personal note, I’m a solid month into physical therapy now for the knee injury I sustained at hockey and that means I have spent my time being useless on the bench for my team, a noticeable change from my normal status of being useless on the rink.  Speaking of useless, I am at a full 8 months of some angry right-wing dingleberry attempting to troll both my LPT & personal pages on Facebook because of a Trump joke I wrote back in October.  I don’t have the heart to even block the dingus because he’s clearly starved for attention if he’s made commenting on my page his hobby.  Anyway, moving on from that joke of a human being to these jokes that I wrote.


One nice thing about needing physical therapy for a knee injury is that it absolutely guarantees I don't skip leg day.
Just thinking about that time when I was trying to get my first post-college big boy job and I read a tip that you're supposed to come to an interview with questions for the employer as well, but I didn't understand that it meant questions about things like benefits and office culture, so I'm sitting there asking dumb ass questions to the interviewer like I was writing a report.
What that article meant:
"What kind of benefits do you offer to supplement salary? And if I start in this position, what sort of opportunities for advancement are there?"
What I fucking did:
"According to Forbes, you've seen a 50% year over year growth, which is far higher than the industry average. To what do you attribute that success and do you feel it's sustainable long term?"
Had a dream last night that I marched into my previous employer's business, called a meeting with the owners and the GM, started the meeting off with, "first of all, fuck you" and then just continued to go off on them.
One of the most satisfying dreams I've had in a while.
There are a lot of Juneteenth posts out there today, which is great! There are also exactly the people you would expect posting angry comments about Juneteenth.
If you are mad about the celebration of Juneteenth, then you are exactly the reason why it is important.
I've got an electric toothbrush that automatically shuts off after the recommended 2 minutes of brushing. And now, on the rare instances I have to use a regular toothbrush I find myself endlessly brushing as I wait for it to shut off; my brain just completely ignoring that it's my own stupid hand doing all the work.
If you are friends with anyone who does not support women's bodily autonomy, FB has implemented a neat little feature to let them know that you are disappointed in their backwards thinking, and it's actually pretty simple to use!
1. Go to their page
2. Look for a spot on their wall that says "Write something to [Person's Name]"
3. Type in "Go fuck yourself"
4 Click the button that says "Post"
All done! Thanks for this feature, FB!
Practicing my Spanish and I stumbled upon the plot of Avengers: Endgame.


               At the time of this being posted, I will be enjoying some Irish coffee while sitting out on a boat dock enjoying the lake.  I hope everyone else enjoys their holiday weekend except for those crap-stains on the Supreme Court, the garbage politicians that enabled them, and the dopes that voted those POS politicians into office. 


Wednesday, June 1, 2022

May 2022 Joke Round-Up

              Well, since my last monthly round up, the Blues have both started and ended their playoff run, which was exciting, upsetting, joyful and maddening all in the matter of a couple of weeks.  I also officiated a wedding (aww!), rendered myself unable to currently walk due to injury (oof!), and attempted to make a name for myself in real estate (huh?).  Everything else was just a standard month of poop jokes, me eating too much, and my kids having no chill.  So about those jokes.


When you get out the potato chips and next thing you know you've eaten the whole bag, that's a snaccident.
Personally, I feel like the movie Dogma should be a required watch for all politicians and supreme court justices.

Pretty much every morning like clockwork.
Me: "Looks like it's just about time to log in for work."
My colon:

I would've liked to have seen how people who are angry about self-checkouts now handled life when gas stations did away with attendants and switched to self-service pumps. Just sitting in their cars shouting, "I DON'T WORK HERE!"
I would like a response on this, Donna. Trying to make some supplemental income selling houses I don't own, since you're offering.

Thinking for future weddings that I officiate I'll throw in a little Price is Right PSA at the end of it.
"I now pronounce you man and wife, you may kiss the bride. Help control the pet population, get your pet spayed or neutered."
My wife watches a lot of rock shows on Facebook and that sounds pretty cool until you find out that it's shows where people sell decorative rocks, not shows with rock & roll music.
My daughter saw some of my spreadsheets on my work computer and asked what I do and how I do it. So I gave her a quick explanation of what I do and how I read one of my Excel reports.
Me: "And I also sometimes teach other people how to read this report so they can use it on their programs."
Abby: "Are you any good at teaching them? Because I still don't know how to do it."
This past Saturday I officiated a friend's wedding. And then Sunday, I ended up with a pretty nasty knee injury in hockey. This week has been spent hobbling around on crutches, meeting with the doctor for tests & xrays to try to find out what exactly I did, and wistfully looking at my friend's wedding photos as I recall what life was like with 2 good legs.

I was talking hockey in a FB group the other day and some random fan of the other team attempted to trash talk me by saying, "Enjoy the offseason because we're eliminating you tomorrow" which is honestly just stupid as hell. Neither of us is playing in the game. I'm not getting eliminated, he's just a fucking guy who will be watching the game on tv trying to insult another guy who will be watching the game on tv because I cheer for a different sweater than he does. I wonder if that dude gets just as fired up shit-talking people who like a different contestant from him on The Masked Singer.
               It is worth mentioning along with the last joke that, as much as I love hockey, I actually do enjoy the offseason due in large part to the fact that I’m pretty normal human being with varied hobbies and interests.  When hockey season is over, that frees up roughly 3 nights of week where I would have been watching hockey that I now can fill with other things that I also like to do.  The world is already a depressing enough place, there’s no need to make myself overly upset over the end of a season of sports.