Wednesday, May 1, 2024

April '24 Joke Round-Up

  Well shit, April is over and I’m still a damn fool.  It’s been a busy month for me; stepping into a new role at work, new season starting for my hockey league, an absolute shitshow trying to moderate my town’s FB community page, and finding games/music/tv shows to help drown on the ever-present drum beat of time marching ominously forward.  Oh, and getting very little sleep because apparently that’s just my thing.  How about these jokes, though?


Back in January it was announced that my town's trash service would be undergoing some changes.  People were mad.  Those changes finally took effect this week.  People are still really mad.  But I will always look for an opportunity to make light of a situation and my local FB community page has been a big source of inspiration for me as there has been an endless stream of posts about the trash company over the past few months.


Not gonna lie, I took some Immodium earlier just to make sure that wouldn't be on the list of reasons why I may potentially miss the eclipse. Control the things you can.


I have decided that the reason I can't sleep at night is because the Sleep Fairy only grants a finite amount of sleep to each household and my wife keeps stealing my hours.


Nobody ever taught me how to Dougie.


"It's okay, today is Cheat Day." - Me every single day as I have cookies and ice cream for a meal.


"Please, call me Willy. My father was Mr. Nilly."


Woke up at 3am to water streaming into my basement.  And now I'm trying to remember why I wanted to own a home so badly. I don't wanna be responsible for all this shit.

Fun thing about those images I made early in the month, apparently that pissed off some people so much that there was a whole new discussion about how much I suck in one of the 4 or 5 “I Hate Ryan Rick” clubs that have sprung up on Facebook.  And honestly, the fact that those groups/threads exist on the internet would probably bother me if the people who were actively involved in them weren’t complete shitbags.  It is okay to be hated if the people that hate you are garbage, remember that.


Monday, April 1, 2024

March '24 Joke Round-Up

  Wow, I started off this month so strongly.  Then I completely shit the bed and took weeks off at a time from writing jokes.  It’s almost like I’m not even good at this and I’m just wasting everyone’s time!  Truth be told, I suspect I’m only wasting my own time because there is absolutely no way anyone even reads these things at this point.  Is this just me keeping a diary at this point?  Find out next time on “Ryan gets unnecessarily introspective.”  These are some jokes I wrote.


My submission for Father of the Year: My son was just talking to me about his new Kirby game and I missed everything he said because I was thinking about pizza.


I didn't want my wife to think I'd been in the bathroom for over an hour.


I like that when you hit your 30s your body just forgets how to do things that it had been properly doing for years.

"Yo! I usually grow hair on the shoulders right? No? Oh well it's there now, enjoy.  Also, kinda forgot what I'm doing with those eyebrows, but you can fix that, right? Cool.  One last thing, I don't really remember how to deal with alcohol anymore, so you're just gonna have to feel like shit for 2 days. Prepare accordingly."


So, apparently this has nothing to do with Cody Rhodes.


I have a blanket with our family photo on it.  This is how my wife folded that blanket.


My wife and my dog are both sick today. Same strategy for both: hide their medicine in a piece of cheese.


Having to put our sick dog in diapers feels like karma for all the times I've mentioned that I never had to worry about diapers with my kids because I didn't meet my wife until well after the kids were out of that stage.


The Red Cross is opening a Donor Rewards store where you can earn points for blood donations and redeem them for things like tumblers or gift cards.  I think it is a super nice gesture, but it also kinda feels like I'm selling my blood for swag now.


I have filled 2 trash cans full of gumballs and it doesn't look like I've done any yard work at all.  I need to know the statistics on how many people became atheists after having sweet gum trees in their yard and saying to themselves, "Clearly, this is not the creation of a being that loves me and wants me to be happy."

Re-reading this last one about gumballs just got me all pissed off again.  I hate these fucking trees so much.  After dealing with these trees for like 6 years now, my new answer to the question of “what’s the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?” is to cut down these fucking trees.  I don’t even care about buying a nicer house or anything, I could be moving out and my last act of vengeance would be to cut down these trees and curse the name of the person who thought they were a good idea.  Bastards.


Friday, March 1, 2024

February '24 Joke Round-Up

 February is arguably the worst month.  This year, we got a bonus day of February, which is essentially winning a kick in the dick.  Thankfully it is over now and we are inching ever closer to warmer weather, longer days, and me not being a miserable bastard (or maybe I’ll just be a different kind of miserable bastard in warm, sunny weather).  I keep thinking to myself “surely I have more to say here” but I have been absentmindedly staring at this screen for 2 hours now, so I think it’s time to just call this good and move on to the jokes.


Pharmaceutical commercial voiceovers: "You may develop a rare but deadly bacterial infection in your taint."

The people in the commercials:


My wife has learned to just never ask what I'm thinking about.


I haven't seen any videos of those dudes building swimming pools and houses in the jungle lately. I hope they're okay.


I really need a new bedtime routine.  This laying awake and thinking about every mistake I've ever made just isn't cutting it.


Went to make some coffee from a variety pack my wife got and I found my new nickname.


According to my latest health screening, my triglycerides are alarmingly high.


Sometimes if I'm feeling a little down, I'll eat foods that I know will make me gassy so I can laugh about farts and feel better.


Things like modern medicine, irrigation, airplanes, and the internet are all pretty cool, but cheese powder (Cheetos, Doritos) still might be my favorite thing humans have ever invented.


Have you ever noticed that we all use the exact same stupid voice when we're telling a story and quoting a person we don't like?


If I ever reach out to you and say "I would really like a sweet potato" just know that's code-speak for "I'm in danger, send help."  Fuck sweet potatoes.

What a great way to close out that month: find out that I’m unhealthy and then make absolutely no changes to my dietary choices to amend this problem.  Fair play.