Sunday, May 1, 2022

April 2022 Joke Round-Up

               Today is the first day of May, so that means it’s time to look back at all the ways I failed to capitalize on April, right?  For real, April was a pretty low-key month.  I had a solid week of vacation in Mexico with my wife in which I didn’t write any jokes because I had effectively shut off my brain from doing anything other than ordering whatever food and drink I wanted (and attempting to do so in Spanish, a language that I haven’t used consistently since high school).  It is also telling that I have not one, but two posts talking about checkups at the doctor so at least I am in the habit of attempting to take care of my soft, shitty, aging body. Let’s check out those jokes.



I didn't drink any alcoholic beverages yesterday but this morning it would seem that my body just gave me a hangover out of habit.



My wife does not like peach or mango, so sometimes I will get myself things with those flavors just so I don't have to share them. #MarriageHack



Last night I dreamt that I was going to have a dance off with Paula Abdul, but dream me thought she was Gloria Estefan so I kept requesting songs by Gloria Estefan, which made Paula Abdul think I was purposely trolling her.

And this just seems like the kind of information that needs to be shared.



My wife fed the dogs before leaving for work this morning and I, not knowing this, ended up feeding them again when I got up. Now I'm worried that the dogs are going to be looking at me like this every morning.


Got checked for diabetes today after a health screening at work last month flagged a high blood sugar reading. My doctor gave me the all clear, so now I'm gonna eat a bunch of cake to celebrate.



I thought I would wear a shirt honoring our savior who was once thought dead but then miraculously rose again after nearly 70 years in ice.


Properly pairing your food and alcohol choices is the difference between being cultured and just being a drunk.



Went to the doctor for a yearly physical and I'm as healthy as someone who is overall pretty healthy but could still stand to eat a little better and exercise a bit more.



Just poking fun at all the nosy folks that immediately run to the local community page every time they hear a siren in town.


               With May now I have a few things to look forward to, mostly notably the emotional rollercoaster of playoff hockey and my yearly tradition of disappointing my wife on Mother’s Day.  I also snuck in my first grass-cutting of the year and I think I’ve made it perfectly clear in previous posts and jokes how I feel about yard work, so I’ve got the next few months of dancing my lawnmower around the yard while cursing whatever asshole planted gumball trees in this yard.  Fun.



Friday, April 1, 2022

March 2022 Joke Round-Up

               March is over and I end the month older than when I started it.  I’m only slightly embarrassed to admit that I lost a good chunk of this month to being hungover.  That’s not to see that I spent the month getting drunk, the hangovers apparently just last so much longer these days.  I am going to go ahead and blame those hangovers.  You can see from the jokes that at least my wife and I have begun to prepare for our bodies to be unable to party like they used to.  In addition to questioning my body’s fortitude in the face of food and drink, this month also saw my manhood and my hockey skills being questioned so really it’s just a model of consistency in my well-established deprecating humor.  And now the jokes.



Describing the unhinged section of the American political spectrum using the NFL. Works out surprisingly well.



Had a random guy in a comments section tell me I need to be more manly because I used a reaction gif with a *gasp* woman in it.

Cannot imagine how much therapy it would take to work through that level of insecurity. Yikes.



My daughter and I watch a lot of Food Network shows together. Tonight as I was chopping up carrots, celery, and onion for dinner she walked into the room, saw what I was doing and said, "Ooh, making a mirepoix?"

Uncle Bobby & Uncle Guy have a lot of influence here.



I play hockey on Sundays and occasionally have games at 10:30 pm, which means I don't get to bed until around 1 am. Thankfully, I have a very strict routine for dealing with those late games.

-No caffeine after 2pm on game day

-Eat a nice, healthy dinner about 7ish.

-Low music on the drive home

-Relaxing hot shower

-Lay in bed, pissed off that I can't sleep

-Feel like shit the next day and slam coffee/soda/energy drinks



I will definitely play a few shifts out there but calling what I do "help" is pretty generous terminology.



Ameren came out last night and dug up half of our yard due to an underground gas leak at our house.

And for the first and hopefully last time the phrase "underground gas leak" is not a reference to me farting in the basement.



I will never understand how my wife can fall asleep in the living room for an hour or two, then get up, go to bed and fall right asleep like nothing. If I even close my eyes for 5 minutes on the couch my body decides I should stay up til fucking 2 a.m.



Personally, I think steak is perfect when cooked medium rare. But if you're paying for a steak, then you're welcome to have it cooked however you'd like. You can also drop money on a Bentley to use in a demolition derby if that's how you wanna waste your money.



I like to show my appreciation.



My wife and I have an upcoming 2nd honeymoon planned. In preparation for a whole week without kids at an all-inclusive resort in Mexico, we stopped by the pharmacy to pick up some essentials so we can really let loose and get wild.

We're old.



Recently, country music artist Eric Church canceled an upcoming concert so that he can watch an NCAA basketball game and there are apparently a lot of people who are very upset about this. Personally, I support his decision to cancel the show. I would support his decision to cancel more shows. I am in favor of the cancellation of any and all country music concerts. Nobody should have to listen to that.


                As mentioned in one of those jokes, I do have an upcoming trip to Mexico planned.  I don’t think it’s TMI (because I’m pretty sure I made a joke about it when it happened) but last time my wife and I went I had to go to the doctor for pooping too much when we got back stateside, so fingers crossed that either those meds work out or I am blessed with some really inspired poop jokes next month.



Tuesday, March 1, 2022

February 2022 Joke Round-Up

                February is over, which means we are nearing the end of the shittiest half of the year in fall and winter.  I say this, of course, as we are in the early stages of the next potential world war in which spring could feasibly be replaced with nuclear winter, so that’s fun.  I’m just going to keep writing jokes because what the hell else are you gonna do, right?  And because society itself is a walking punchline, as Ukrainians fight to keep their country from Russian invaders currently, here in America we have a bunch of man-children driving across country because they’re mad about being asked to do the bare minimum to stop the spread of a worldwide pandemic.  We are absolutely living in the dumbest timeline.  So here are some jokes.



Having a bit of a rough morning today, I powered through several cups of coffee. I ended up putting more caffeine in my body in an hour than I typically have in a day. And suddenly I understand that episode of Saved By The Bell when Jessie was abusing those caffeine pills.



I hope nobody farts in this elevator.



My wife is having surgery this week and to avoid any rescheduling of it due to COVID I did not attend the annual hot wing festival that is essentially a religious holiday for me. Pretty sure that means I don't have to do anything for her for Valentine's Day because there's not really anything more romantic or meaningful that I can do that tops skipping wings for her.



I told my wife that while she's getting surgery this morning I'm gonna go find a bar and she can just come be my DD once the procedure is done. #Romantic



I have been telling my wife for years that she snores like a freight train. While going over her medical history today the question came up of "do you snore loudly" and I finally had to come clean that I'd made it up just to tease her. After the glare she gave me I am pretty sure the nurse is concerned for my safety.



The first thing my wife said after waking up from anesthesia was "I'm hungry, I want tacos" so I guess she's fine.



My daughter just forgot the term "take a chill pill" and instead told me I needed to "take a calm shot." #ShotsShotsShots



Just flexing my "Group Expert" status.



My son has been playing Plague Inc. on his tablet lately. He just infected the entire world with a disease he named "Hot N Tasty."



Who wore it better?



Just gonna leave this right here.



I don't want to dress like Johnny Weir but I would love that level of confidence in my wardrobe because far too often have I put on pants and shirt, looked in the mirror and thought something to the effect of, "I don't know if this is too much blue. And are my shoes too big for my pants?"



My wife and kids all have the day off from work/school for President's Day.

Me: "Geez, you all are so lucky. Enjoy your day off while I spend the day working."

Daughter: "Oh no, you have to stay in the basement wearing your pajamas. So terrible."

Looks like somebody's gonna be scrubbing the kitchen tiles with a toothbrush today.



All I'm saying is that this stuff with Russia is messed up and I'm going to be really mad if the world gets nuked before I get to see Dr. Strange in the Multiverse of Madness.



I'm not being dramatic. This is serious.



I am turning into Pavlov's Dog. I don't even have to actually drink the coffee anymore, just pour myself a cup of it and I immediately have to use the bathroom.



I caught my daughter laying on the couch humming "99 Red Balloons" and I've never felt more successful as a parent than I do right now.



There's been some people in my local community page asking where they can go to watch the so-called "Freedom Convoy" pass by and that is so weird to me because I have never once thought to myself "I would really like to go see some children throwing a tantrum."


                One fun thing about that last joke is that, like clockwork, it brought my very own troll back out of the woodwork.  See, I wrote a joke back in October that apparently he didn’t like and since then he shows up to comment on any vaguely political joke that I write.  I like to think that I’m pretty self aware; I write these jokes as a hobby and for a pretty miniscule audience, so I truly can’t think of much that is more pathetic than someone spending 4 months (and counting) of their life hate-following my page.  Fucking big yikes for that dude.  On the bright side, because of the way Facebook algorithms work, he’s actually increasing my page reach, so thanks I guess?