Thursday, February 1, 2018

January 2018 Joke Round-Up

We are a month into 2018 and it’s literally the same as every other month and year ever because dates are just a meaningless human construct designed to aid us in organizing ourselves.  This month I had lots of questionable diet choices, including ramen noodles, Tide Pods, provocatively named vegetables and dino chicken nuggets.  Seriously though, I made a joke about Tide Pods and then the trend of them kept going so like 2 weeks later I made another jokes about them because people are stupid and this is what our society has come to.  Anyways, here are the jokes.

A boil order was issued for my area but I was just going to use the water to make ramen, which is toxic anyway, so I'm really not too concerned about it.

I think the competitors on obstacle course shows (Ninja Warrior, Wipeout, Ultimate Beastmaster, etc.) become a lot less impressive when you consider the fact that a short, pudgy, Italian plumber has been doing that same kinda stuff for like the last 35 years now. And all while high on mushrooms.

Just following trends here.

Trump said that his nuclear button is "bigger" than Kim Jong Un's. Really, I think we all know that Trump's is actually a normal-sized button that just looks really large next to his tiny hands.

My co-worker was eating a big salad that looked really good and got me craving one as well. But I didn't have any way to acquire my own big salad so I ate a bunch of chocolate instead. #FitIn2018

I used to wear belts because my pants were loose. Now I wear belts because I need a failsafe in case the button on my pants gives out mid-day.#SafetyFirst

Went to the casino tonight. Spent a few minutes placing max bets on a nickel video poker machine so I could feel like part of the 1%, if only for a brief time.

The other day the kids were not listening and for the first time ever I broke out the middle names. Holy crap that kinda power could really go to someone's head.

I couldn't afford Tide Pods so I opted to pour myself a glass of Purex instead.

I found a plastic coin jammed into the disc slot on my Nintendo Wii. I have never struck a child, but today I considered it.

I wonder if people in other countries ever get confused about how America simultaneously has hyper-nationalism and widespread hatred for the Patriots.

I like how Republicans will work against their own interests and consider it a victory as long as they make liberals mad. That's like painting dicks all over your house because your neighbors will think it's an eyesore.

This must be an an attempt to get people to eat healthier.

Kind of looking forward to Trump's State of the Union address tonight.
"This union is in a tremendous state. The best. Some would even say, and you hear this a lot, that it's the stateliest union they've ever seen. Experts say this. Very smart people. Hillary couldn't have gotten a union to this state."

The kids are coming to my place tonight so my girlfriend can take her mom out for her birthday. In preparing for this, I went and bought a bunch of food I know they like that they could choose from for dinner: dino chicken nuggets, macaroni and cheese, chicken soup, hot dogs, grilled cheese, etc.
It still just looked like a normal trip to the grocery store for me. #RefinedPalate

Onward to February!

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