January 2018 Joke Round-Up

We are a month into 2018 and it’s literally the same as every other month and year ever because dates are just a meaningless human construct designed to aid us in organizing ourselves.  This month I had lots of questionable diet choices, including ramen noodles, Tide Pods, provocatively named vegetables and dino chicken nuggets.  Seriously though, I made a joke about Tide Pods and then the trend of them kept going so like 2 weeks later I made another jokes about them because people are stupid and this is what our society has come to.  Anyways, here are the jokes.

1/2

A boil order was issued for my area but I was just going to use the water to make ramen, which is toxic anyway, so I'm really not too concerned about it.

1/3

I think the competitors on obstacle course shows (Ninja Warrior, Wipeout, Ultimate Beastmaster, etc.) become a lot less impressive when you consider the fact that a short, pudgy, Italian plumber has been doing that same kinda stuff for like the last 35 years now. And all while high on mushrooms.

1/4

Just following trends here.

1/4

Trump said that his nuclear button is "bigger" than Kim Jong Un's. Really, I think we all know that Trump's is actually a normal-sized button that just looks really large next to his tiny hands.

1/10

My co-worker was eating a big salad that looked really good and got me craving one as well. But I didn't have any way to acquire my own big salad so I ate a bunch of chocolate instead. #FitIn2018

1/11

I used to wear belts because my pants were loose. Now I wear belts because I need a failsafe in case the button on my pants gives out mid-day.#SafetyFirst

1/13

Went to the casino tonight. Spent a few minutes placing max bets on a nickel video poker machine so I could feel like part of the 1%, if only for a brief time.

1/16

The other day the kids were not listening and for the first time ever I broke out the middle names. Holy crap that kinda power could really go to someone's head.

1/19

I couldn't afford Tide Pods so I opted to pour myself a glass of Purex instead.

1/19

I found a plastic coin jammed into the disc slot on my Nintendo Wii. I have never struck a child, but today I considered it.

1/21

I wonder if people in other countries ever get confused about how America simultaneously has hyper-nationalism and widespread hatred for the Patriots.

1/22

I like how Republicans will work against their own interests and consider it a victory as long as they make liberals mad. That's like painting dicks all over your house because your neighbors will think it's an eyesore.

1/28

This must be an an attempt to get people to eat healthier.

1/30

Kind of looking forward to Trump's State of the Union address tonight.

"This union is in a tremendous state. The best. Some would even say, and you hear this a lot, that it's the stateliest union they've ever seen. Experts say this. Very smart people. Hillary couldn't have gotten a union to this state."

1/31

The kids are coming to my place tonight so my girlfriend can take her mom out for her birthday. In preparing for this, I went and bought a bunch of food I know they like that they could choose from for dinner: dino chicken nuggets, macaroni and cheese, chicken soup, hot dogs, grilled cheese, etc.

It still just looked like a normal trip to the grocery store for me. #RefinedPalate

Onward to February!

-Ryan