August 2025 Joke Round-Up

  Wake up, motherfuckers! It’s September. I think I inadvertently made a Green Day reference while also confusing the start and the end of September. I am actually writing this the morning of September 1st (I usually write it the night before), while I eat leftover McDonald’s and chicken wings from the kids’ birthday, paired with a Sprite (full flavor one, baby!) because I am intent on making sure I start in an amazing mood but set up to absolutely regret my choices later.  I have only myself to blame, but I will learn no lessons from this. I have a handful of things to do today. I don’t want to do any of them and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m depressed or lazy or burnt out. But I do know that the longer I fuck around with this, the more I am pushing off getting that other shit done. So here are jokes I wrote this month.

8/6

My son found out that I own a panini press and this kid is absolutely jazzed to make a sandwich.

8/6

One of my absolute favorite things to do as a dad, and something I learned from my own dad, is to periodically interrupt whatever my kids are doing to ask them, "Did you want me to hang out with you?" This is especially fun when they are hanging out with their friends.

8/8

I don't really have any data to back this up, but I feel like I probably eat more food that's been dropped on the floor than most other adults. Toddlers might give me a run for my money, though.

8/9

That little flap on the front of my boxers every morning when I wake up:

8/18

I'm pretty excited to finally have a TV in the bedroom!

8/19

Our daughter got a new bed and because my wife and I are brilliant adults we used her old bed to make MEGA COUCH in our living room.

8/21

When you get recognition at work for your natural talents.

8/23

I have no problem getting on a microphone in front of a room full of people I don't know, but making a phone call makes me nervous.  My brain is an absolute catastrophe.

8/25

This is the kind of high-brow humor people have come to expect from me.

8/27

I have absolutely had enough of beverage companies acting like cucumber is an acceptable flavor for a drink. Knock that shit off.

8/28

I forgot to take my anxiety meds this morning and I can tell because I am UNCOMFORTABLY PRODUCTIVE.

8/31

What sort of miracle happened here?

Ah, this month was a perfect encapsulation of me as a human being: poop and weiners, bad eating habits, and anxiety.

To my wife: This is an ice cream coupon you may redeem upon reference of this text. I will drop whatever I am doing and bring you any ice cream treat you desire, including but not limited to: home made sundae, specific ice cream from local grocery stores, anything on the Dairy Queen menu.

-Ryan

July 2025 Joke Round-Up

  I don’t want to fuck around with writing a silly intro for this and I’m not going to. Work has been so fucking stressful. I want to just zone out with a game or something. And I have some work I could do tonight to make tomorrow morning easier on myself. But my daughter wants to watch a movie with me and that’s what I’m gonna do because even if the rest of my day is absolute dogshit, my wife and kids fucking lift my heart so god damn much and they sure as fuck aren’t gonna look back at life 30 years from now remembering how much I wasn’t there because I was “too busy.”

7/5

It's probably really difficult to be a game show host when one of the contestants is just absolutely shitting it up and you have to continually find nice ways to say that they have no chance because they're a big dumb dummy.

7/6

I could've eaten the last parmesan bread bite and nobody in the house would've known. But I saved it for my wife to eat for lunch. And she then shared it with me. This is what true love looks like.

7/11

A short story about the hubris of man.

7/11

My wife and I have a night without the kids. We had Subway for dinner, then got ice cream, and now we're watching Escape From New York. Marriage is fucking cool.

7/12

My wife: "I feel like a relationship looks like a graph of the S&P 500. Where there are the spikes up and down for good and bad days but the overall trend is upward as the love grows."

Me: "I feel like this conversation is one of those downward spikes."

7/14

Me and my wife trying to list the 7 deadly sins:

Envy

Gluttony

Sloth

Lust

Larceny

Jaywalking

Loud Chewing

7/14

Wife: "My feet hurt."

Son: "My feet don't hurt. Maybe you have a skill issue."

My son is already funnier than I am. I'm so proud of him.

7/26

In an impulse purchase I bought myself an entire rotisserie chicken to eat and I'm not quite sure if this is a red flag about my current state of mental health or if I'm finally living the life I'd always dreamed of.

7/31

I just had this wonderfully serendipitous moment where my watch congratulated me on hitting my step goal as I was mindlessly wandering the house while stress-eating pizza.

-Ryan

June 2025 Joke Round-Up

  June was a busy month. That seems a little stupid to say when I consider that two of the things that kept me busy this month were vacations, so maybe I am just a whiner.  I am very tired and quite frankly am not quite sure if the blurry picture on the tv is because Charter is shitting it up again or because my eyes are just that unfocused. Turns out it was a secret third option where Netflix apparently forgot that we aren’t using dial-up.  But today was my first full day at home in a week after I parlayed a work trip into a family vacation with a sprinkle of fucking awful airline travel experiences in between. I have to cut myself off here because I have done more snoozing than typing in the last 5 minutes and that feels like a sign to call it. So here are the jokes.

6/5

This is the kind of storyline development usually reserved for premium live events. My guess is they'll have a match at SummerSlam.

6/6

All it takes is a little bit of cheese dust to get me to eat styrofoam packing peanuts.

6/7

I'm my dogs' favorite person if none of the rest of the family is home and we have no guests in the house.

6/15

I like Jack Black but I don't think I will ever forgive him for making "chicken jockey" a thing.

6/22

Why would I listen to country music when I could just shit in my hand and shove it in my ear canal?

6/23

I feel like it's at least a little bit weird that eggs are not one of the numerous foods that taste like chicken.

6/23

My daughter is a character. Wonder where she gets it.

6/26

The midwestern urge to drive places because "it's only 12 hours away" makes a lot of sense when you consider how fucking shitty airline travel is.

6/28

I don't care if it's cliche or the obvious joke. If you have nautical themed decorations and you don't have something in the bathroom labeling it the poop deck, then I have absolutely no respect for you.

This brain is simply not braining right now. I need to go to bed.

-Ryan

May 2025 Round-Up

  I’m having a hard time getting started on writing my intro this month because my brain is instead choose to focus on the two equally compelling conversations of “Should I eat more donuts?” and “What kind of person am I really?” And I think the answers to those two burning questions are ultimately “yes” and “a ridiculous one.”  I walked away from writing this hoping I could come up with something resembling a coherent thought and that just didn’t happen so now we’re just going to cut our losses and move on to these jokes.

5/2

I just fell down in the pantry reaching for a box of DingDongs. 35-40 years from now that's probably how I'll die.

5/3

On the one hand I'm like, "It's Saturday night, I don't have to work tomorrow and I can stay up as late as I want." But on the other hand I'm like, "Maybe 9:45 is as late as I want to stay up."

5/4

I feel like most people who go to garage sales are just picking out things that will end up in their next garage sale.

5/5

I think the thing I'm most afraid of in life might actually be ingrown toenails. I've made more of an effort in my life to avoid those than I have snakes, spiders, or heights.

5/9

My wife and I have been scheduling a lot of projects for our house, like waterproofing the basement and getting a new roof.  But we are officially putting all of this work on hold because this morning I saw the biggest spider I've ever seen outside of the zoo or National Geographic and now I've decided we're just going to burn down the house instead.

5/10

Son: "What's your middle name again? I forgot."

Me: "I'll give you a hint.  It starts with C and ends with R."

Son: "Charmander."

Me: "Yep, that's it. You nailed it."

5/17

I was just trying to cook up some odds and ends from our fridge and pantry and now my dinner looks like I filled a plate at an international buffet. Carnitas, couscous, and focaccia.

5/18

Do vampires have preferences on blood types? Like, are they different flavors? I'm imagining a vampire biting into someone, letting out a heavy sigh and saying, "Ugh, O+ again?! What I wouldn't give for some AB- right now."

5/18

My kids have been clogging the toilet a lot so, being an expert on the situation, I had to lecture them on proper toilet paper usage and flushing technique.  Ended it by saying, "Thanks for coming to my TURD Talk."

5/19

Women when they hear Shania Twain say "Let's go, girls!"

5/22

The flavors of Starburst are: yellow, orange, red, and pink.  Do not come at me with fruit names.

5/23

My daughter: "I don't know who any of those Marvel people are.  Is one of them White Claw? Is that a superhero?"

5/24

If the point of a Cage Match is to escape the cage, then why did you agree to be in the cage in the first place? Do you want to be in there or not? I'm getting mixed signals.

5/24

I left my bag of Doritos in the other room so that every time I want a few chips I have to go for a lil walk. This is my fitness plan.

5/25

It's crazy how my kids only realize that they are starving/exhausted/sick/urgently needing to poop when I give them a chore to do.

5/26

Family Feud: "Name something you might find in an oasis."

Me: "Noel and Liam Gallagher."

5/27

Me at my yearly checkup explaining to my doctor what medical concerns I have.

I think if I wait a few more years I can consolidate all of my round ups into a book that nobody will sell 4 copies but never actually be read by anyone. Yeah, honestly I wouldn’t even read my own book, I already lived these things and thought these thoughts once.

-Charmander

April '25 Joke Round-Up

  Honestly, I haven’t got a clue what to write for this intro. I just got back from taking my daughter to buy some nails and makeup for a school dance (obligatory, these kids are growing up so fast) and I’m waiting for the start of the Blues/Jets game, so I have like 45 minutes where I could potentially shut my brain off for a bit but instead I have decided that I absolutely have to write out this little blurb for this blog that may or may not have at some point just evolved into a real journal, or it might be a memoir but I honestly am not really sure that I fully understand what a memoir is (gonna Google that real quick, actually). Okay no, I do not think this qualifies as a memoir.  Maybe thousands of years from now someone will dig a server out of the rubble, recover the data on it and find this blog. Most of human history will have been wiped from existence so they will have no reason not to believe that San Diego isn’t German for “a whale’s vagina.”  This will be my mark on history.

4/2

Someday I will figure out how to stop burning things in the air fryer that we have had for 2 years, but today is not that day.

4/4

Every episode of WWE programming from January thru April.

4/7

One of my buddies told me that he has a recurring nightmare that he drops his keys into the porta-potty at the construction sites he has to visit for work.

Not gonna lie, if I dropped my keys into a porta-potty, I'd post my car on marketplace and hail an Uber. No going back, that is someone else's problem now.

4/9

Time for another episode of "Me Making Fabulous First Impressions". Last night I told a table full of people who I had just met "I don't have an OnlyFans because both my feet and butthole are unattractive."

Follow me for more tips on how to make friends.

4/10

The phrase "he's playing chess while everyone else plays checkers" doesn't really make a whole lot of sense.  If the agreed upon game is checkers, then the person playing chess is in the wrong.  If Steph Curry rode a horse onto the court and started swatting the ball with a mallet nobody would say, "Big brain move, he's playing polo while everyone else plays basketball," they'd say, "Yeah, he's clearly lost his mind."

Nevermind the fact that most of the people I see using this chess/checkers idiom still actively struggle with the rules to Candyland.

4/16

My son has kicked off a subs vs. dubs debate and the argument is currently consuming the family.

4/20

Me when that deviled egg platter comes out at family gatherings.

4/24

Barclay felt he needed some input on my meetings today.

4/29

My son has to do a report on Germany for his geography class. Being the great dad that I am, I told him there are many places here whose names are derived from their language, such as San Diego which is German for "a whale's vagina."

To be potentially the last memory of the movie Anchorman in a post-apocalyptic world is not a responsibility I take lightly.  I feel important.

-Ryan

March '25 Joke Round-Up

  Okay, so the world is an absolute dumpster fire right now but on a personal level I am back to eating all sorts of delicious things post-surgery, the weather is warming up and there’s more daylight, I got some sweet new anxiety meds that are helping me actually fall asleep at night, and I am writing this at the moment with my wife sitting next to me. That’s all pretty fucking neat.  So while I’m here feeling damn near blissful, let’s see what the hell I cracked jokes about this past month.

3/1

My general reaction to everything since getting my wisdom teeth out and being stuck on soft foods.

3/1

Is it possible to only "kinda" get into making sourdough? I feel like either you've never made it or you've devoted your entire life to raising and caring for your flour-based offspring.

Edit: I went with "flour-based offspring" but now I'm wondering if the preferred terminology is "yeastlings".

3/1

I will never stop being mad at those kids who couldn't figure out The Shrine of the Silver Monkey.  It was 3 pieces, for fuck's sake!!

3/4

There's only so many hours in a day and it can be really difficult to fit everything in. Luckily, my body's internal alarm clock helps me find a few hours in the middle of the night to analyze every mistake I've ever made and also read Wikipedia articles about bridges.

3/9

We needed new salt and pepper shakers and we made the most adult decision possible.

3/12

Honestly, my comedy career peaked that time in high school when my friends and I went to an anime convention and I said "I always thought we were pretty unconventional."

3/18

Yesterday I had corned beef and cabbage for lunch.  Then I had corned beef and cabbage again for dinner. Then my wife told me that because of my dietary choices I was not allowed to sleep in the bedroom.

3/26

Gonna download Signal just to see if I can get included in some of these national security convos.

3/26

I was doing daily Spanish lesson earlier today and was quickly matching Spanish words to their English counterparts.  I matched "happy" with "comida" which is a really dumb mistake but honestly says a lot about who I am as a person.

3/26

Just sweet-talking my wife.

3/31

First thing that came to mind when I saw this.

If I tried to come up with clever titles for my monthly round-ups, I guess this one would be “Hot Dogs & Baby Jesus.”  But I don’t write clever names for my round-ups, so that little tidbit is just gonna stay right down here at the bottom where probably nobody will ever read it. Oh well.

-Ryan