November 2025 Joke Round-Up

  Holy fuckarooski, we are just barreling recklessly towards the end of the year now.  Time is becoming an illusion. Days of the week are losing all meaning. We are living in a perpetual haze of gravy, twinkling lights, and the smooth sounds of Michael Buble crooning out holiday hits seemingly everywhere you go as though it’s just the background music for your internal monologue now. And now we take a peek into the inner workings of my brain, as I wrote that little intro there, then decided I liked it so much as its own little thought that I posted it as a joke on the page, thus making me also include it in my summary of jokes for the month. So there might be a fun little moment of deja vu when you get to the end of this post. That’s extra funny because nobody reads these, not even me! I’m going to have it put in my will that the entire contents of this sight be read aloud before divvying up my estate; which is probably gonna be like a grand total of $14 and a box full of various random cables that I saved my entire life just in case.  These jokes, tho.

11/3

My wife: *watching baby hippo videos*

Me: "Do you want to see my favorite hippo video?"

My wife: "Yea...no, because it's gonna be the pooping video."

Me: "It absolutely was gonna be the pooping video."

#Soulmates

11/4

This morning I woke up with the knowledge that I absolutely had to combine a picture of Ash turning his hat backwards with this spoof of an iconic quote from the movie "They Live".  Sometimes my brain just be doing things.

Edit: out of sheer happenstance, I have just learned that the movie "They Live" was released to theaters exactly 37 years ago today.

11/5

This felt like a really important conversation about hats with my friends.

11/6

I typed this out to myself at 1am. My brain was doing some dumb shit.

11/10

Today's high temp is 38 with a wind chill of 15 and I need to know who the hell could possibly be out there excited about this. Every time people say Fall or Winter is their favorite season, this is what I think of.  Who is waking up thinking "This is perfect. I've waited all year to be cold as shit." Because I need you to know that you are wrong and I don't like you.

11/11

I wonder if when John Cena retires he will change his name to John Postre.

This is a bilingual joke, fyi.

11/11

Any bar can be a karaoke bar if you put $20 in the TouchTunes and sing loud as fuck.

11/14

Not so much a joke as it is commentary on the depressing state of everything right now.

11/15

I'm wearing a St. Louis Blues shirt that shows the year the team was established and my son pointed out "Your shirt says 6 7." So that's another fucking thing that kids have ruined.

11/18

Seriously I need to know what sort of magic allows USB cables to somehow have 3 sides.

11/20

I'm getting to live out a dad-joke today as I'm taking my daughter to a dentist appointment at 2:30. She is not nearly as amused as I am.

11/21

Idk what everyone else is doing at 3 a.m. but I'm laying awake wondering if my arms are too long.

11/25

I have spent my entire life not knowing how to get the inside of a Toaster Strudel warm without burning the outside and at this point I've just come to really enjoy the temperature dichotomy of the warm, flaky crust with a chilled fruit filling.

11/25

One dog is mad as hell and the other gives no fucks.

11/25

I feel like if I was bald I would struggle to know how far up the sides of my face I should let my beard grow.

11/28

Me eating leftovers this morning: "Thanksgiving is over when I say it's over."

11/30

We are officially in that part of the year where time is becoming an illusion. Days of the week are losing all meaning. We are living in a perpetual haze of gravy, twinkling lights, and the smooth sounds of Michael Buble crooning out holiday hits seemingly everywhere you go as though it’s just the background music for your internal monologue now.

Hey, there it is! That thing that I wrote at the beginning. That was fun. I am so clever.

-Ryan

October '25 Joke Round-Up

  Busy month. Hockey started again, kicked some ass on gameshows at work, had my 20 year high school reunion, got to go on a trip to Universal Studios with a buddy, participated in my first ever chili cookoff on behalf of the local LGBTQ+ Ally group, got some sweet family pictures taken, got sick AF for a day or two, officially kicked off my political “career” by submitting a petition to be a precinct committeeperson, and still found plenty of time to feel disappointed in myself as a human being (luckily I’m pretty good at multi-tasking). Let’s look at my lil jokey jokes.

10/2

Important question

10/3

My wife tried to say something to me as I was doing DuoLingo and right when she started talking I just happened to click on the sound byte "occupado."

She immediately started laughing and said, "Well fuck you too, then!"

This woman is my soul mate.

10/7

As far as I'm concerned, the only times it's acceptable to wear a cowboy hat are if you are actively roping a steer or if you're dressing up as Bret Michaels for Halloween.

10/16

I never truly understood homesickness until I bought a bidet.

10/24

I overhead 2 ladies gossiping at the grocery store and one comment in particular really threw me off.

"She changes boyfriends like I change underwear. Every week she's dating someone new."

Did this lady just admit that she only changes her underwear once a week?

10/25

I don't know if I could ever be brave enough to buy an enema kit from a thrift store.

10/29

Many people already know that I LOVE St. Louis style pizza (provel is life).  One point of frustration I have from growing up was my mom's side of the family's insistence on regularly ordering one of the worst pizzas I've ever had in my life, Ponticello's. It barely qualified as pizza, it was garbage topped with provel. They had the nastiest, driest, burnt, concerningly gritty & powdery crust and despite my frequent objections to their trash-ass excuse for a pizza, even on my own birthday that was the go-to order at family gatherings. "Happy birthday, Ryan, here's some 'food' you specifically said you did not want." Bullshit, I know.

The last time I ever had to eat that pizza was in 2005. And Ponticello's closed in 2014 so they can no longer hurt people with their terrible pizza, but despite all that time I'm not entirely over the pain that pizza inflicted upon me.  The other night I saw a post on the St. Louis subreddit asking people to name local restaurants that they missed. I stayed up late scrolling through 300+ comments specifically so I could downvote anyone that said Ponticello's.  I absolutely do not regret my actions.

I don’t know how to end it this month, so I’ll just say this: fuck Ponticello’s pizza.

-Ryan

September '25 Joke Round-Up

  Man, I was really hoping that rapture would finally be the real one this time. Could’ve been pretty fucking cool.  Guess I’ll just keep going to work and writing my lil jokey jokes while Rome burns.  Okay, well then.

9/1

I like that my brain recognizes that I'm dealing with depression but still talks shit on myself for being lazy.  What a delightful combination of self awareness and assholery

9/13

If at any point in my life I own a Ford Explorer, I am absolutely naming it Magellan. I also briefly considered Vespucci.

9/14

I love that I, a grown ass man, can walk into a grocery store and think to myself, "My life would absolutely be enhanced if I could have chicken nuggets that are shaped like dinosaurs" and just achieve that dream right there.

9/16

We as a society have an unspoken agreement that everyone is allowed to freely fart in the bathroom without feeling embarrassed or having to say "excuse me." And it is not my fault that the bathroom at work doubles as the storm shelter.

9/18

I AM SO UNBELIEVABLY UPSET THAT THIS DOESN'T SAY "MITOCHONDRIA IS THE POWERHOUSE OF THE CELL"

9/23

Another day, another rapture that isn't happening.  Getting real tired of constantly having to reschedule this shit in my calendar.

9/24

My wife sends me the sweetest messages.

Man, I fucking hate fall.

-Ryan

August 2025 Joke Round-Up

  Wake up, motherfuckers! It’s September. I think I inadvertently made a Green Day reference while also confusing the start and the end of September. I am actually writing this the morning of September 1st (I usually write it the night before), while I eat leftover McDonald’s and chicken wings from the kids’ birthday, paired with a Sprite (full flavor one, baby!) because I am intent on making sure I start in an amazing mood but set up to absolutely regret my choices later.  I have only myself to blame, but I will learn no lessons from this. I have a handful of things to do today. I don’t want to do any of them and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m depressed or lazy or burnt out. But I do know that the longer I fuck around with this, the more I am pushing off getting that other shit done. So here are jokes I wrote this month.

8/6

My son found out that I own a panini press and this kid is absolutely jazzed to make a sandwich.

8/6

One of my absolute favorite things to do as a dad, and something I learned from my own dad, is to periodically interrupt whatever my kids are doing to ask them, "Did you want me to hang out with you?" This is especially fun when they are hanging out with their friends.

8/8

I don't really have any data to back this up, but I feel like I probably eat more food that's been dropped on the floor than most other adults. Toddlers might give me a run for my money, though.

8/9

That little flap on the front of my boxers every morning when I wake up:

8/18

I'm pretty excited to finally have a TV in the bedroom!

8/19

Our daughter got a new bed and because my wife and I are brilliant adults we used her old bed to make MEGA COUCH in our living room.

8/21

When you get recognition at work for your natural talents.

8/23

I have no problem getting on a microphone in front of a room full of people I don't know, but making a phone call makes me nervous.  My brain is an absolute catastrophe.

8/25

This is the kind of high-brow humor people have come to expect from me.

8/27

I have absolutely had enough of beverage companies acting like cucumber is an acceptable flavor for a drink. Knock that shit off.

8/28

I forgot to take my anxiety meds this morning and I can tell because I am UNCOMFORTABLY PRODUCTIVE.

8/31

What sort of miracle happened here?

Ah, this month was a perfect encapsulation of me as a human being: poop and weiners, bad eating habits, and anxiety.

To my wife: This is an ice cream coupon you may redeem upon reference of this text. I will drop whatever I am doing and bring you any ice cream treat you desire, including but not limited to: home made sundae, specific ice cream from local grocery stores, anything on the Dairy Queen menu.

-Ryan

July 2025 Joke Round-Up

  I don’t want to fuck around with writing a silly intro for this and I’m not going to. Work has been so fucking stressful. I want to just zone out with a game or something. And I have some work I could do tonight to make tomorrow morning easier on myself. But my daughter wants to watch a movie with me and that’s what I’m gonna do because even if the rest of my day is absolute dogshit, my wife and kids fucking lift my heart so god damn much and they sure as fuck aren’t gonna look back at life 30 years from now remembering how much I wasn’t there because I was “too busy.”

7/5

It's probably really difficult to be a game show host when one of the contestants is just absolutely shitting it up and you have to continually find nice ways to say that they have no chance because they're a big dumb dummy.

7/6

I could've eaten the last parmesan bread bite and nobody in the house would've known. But I saved it for my wife to eat for lunch. And she then shared it with me. This is what true love looks like.

7/11

A short story about the hubris of man.

7/11

My wife and I have a night without the kids. We had Subway for dinner, then got ice cream, and now we're watching Escape From New York. Marriage is fucking cool.

7/12

My wife: "I feel like a relationship looks like a graph of the S&P 500. Where there are the spikes up and down for good and bad days but the overall trend is upward as the love grows."

Me: "I feel like this conversation is one of those downward spikes."

7/14

Me and my wife trying to list the 7 deadly sins:

Envy

Gluttony

Sloth

Lust

Larceny

Jaywalking

Loud Chewing

7/14

Wife: "My feet hurt."

Son: "My feet don't hurt. Maybe you have a skill issue."

My son is already funnier than I am. I'm so proud of him.

7/26

In an impulse purchase I bought myself an entire rotisserie chicken to eat and I'm not quite sure if this is a red flag about my current state of mental health or if I'm finally living the life I'd always dreamed of.

7/31

I just had this wonderfully serendipitous moment where my watch congratulated me on hitting my step goal as I was mindlessly wandering the house while stress-eating pizza.

-Ryan

June 2025 Joke Round-Up

  June was a busy month. That seems a little stupid to say when I consider that two of the things that kept me busy this month were vacations, so maybe I am just a whiner.  I am very tired and quite frankly am not quite sure if the blurry picture on the tv is because Charter is shitting it up again or because my eyes are just that unfocused. Turns out it was a secret third option where Netflix apparently forgot that we aren’t using dial-up.  But today was my first full day at home in a week after I parlayed a work trip into a family vacation with a sprinkle of fucking awful airline travel experiences in between. I have to cut myself off here because I have done more snoozing than typing in the last 5 minutes and that feels like a sign to call it. So here are the jokes.

6/5

This is the kind of storyline development usually reserved for premium live events. My guess is they'll have a match at SummerSlam.

6/6

All it takes is a little bit of cheese dust to get me to eat styrofoam packing peanuts.

6/7

I'm my dogs' favorite person if none of the rest of the family is home and we have no guests in the house.

6/15

I like Jack Black but I don't think I will ever forgive him for making "chicken jockey" a thing.

6/22

Why would I listen to country music when I could just shit in my hand and shove it in my ear canal?

6/23

I feel like it's at least a little bit weird that eggs are not one of the numerous foods that taste like chicken.

6/23

My daughter is a character. Wonder where she gets it.

6/26

The midwestern urge to drive places because "it's only 12 hours away" makes a lot of sense when you consider how fucking shitty airline travel is.

6/28

I don't care if it's cliche or the obvious joke. If you have nautical themed decorations and you don't have something in the bathroom labeling it the poop deck, then I have absolutely no respect for you.

This brain is simply not braining right now. I need to go to bed.

-Ryan