February 2018 Joke Round-Up

                February is already over, which isn’t surprising because it is the shortest month but it is welcome because it is usually the shittiest month (it’s right in the middle of winter, which you already know I hate).  There was tragedy, there was Olympic fervor, there was political nonsense.  And in the midst of all that, there were some jokes.

2/4

Overheard the kids talking. 
Henry: "I wish Mario was real."
Abby: "Yeah, well, he's not."
#NoChill

2/6

Maybe I'm just being nostalgic but...

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."
"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
"They misunderestimated me,"
"There's an old saying in Tennessee. I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee that says, 'Fool me once, shame on ... shame on you. Fool me... You can't get fooled again!'"
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
"Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women."

Does anyone else miss the golden days when these were the dumbest/craziest things ever said by a sitting president?

2/9

Pro Tip: if you get added to a Facebook group asking for addresses for wedding invitations, take this opportunity to sign strangers up to receive glitter and gummy penises. They will appreciate the anonymous gifts.

2/10

It's gonna be a long walk.

2/14

Valentine's Day boxes seem like they're the new Pinewood Derby car in terms of children's projects that parents take over and over-complicate.

Both my Valentine's Day box and my Pinewood Derby car were absolutely garbage, but grade school me at least had the satisfaction of knowing that I created that garbage all by myself.

2/15

Came across this angry vegan. This might be a good argument if anyone was eating meals comprised of only meat, instead of balanced diets. #AtLeastYouTried

2/17

One thing I really enjoy about having a girlfriend is hearing about how badly I was farting in my sleep last night.

2/20

I saw an interview with the parents of an Olympian discussing why they felt she was so successful with her sport. It included a video of her when she was younger skating on a quarter pipe that was built on the tennis court in their backyard. The parents named many reasons as to why their daughter was successful, like her willingness to try new things and how they let her be a bit of a daredevil within the confines of safety. But they never mentioned the positive impact of HAVING THE MONEY TO BUILD A QUARTER PIPE ON THE TENNIS COURT IN THEIR BACKYARD.

2/21

People who want to arm teachers so they can double as security guards have obviously never played Dungeons & Dragons. It's common knowledge that any time you multiclass a character it's going to be weaker at both specialties.

2/22

Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow's "lifestyle brand" company, recently promoted a $135 coffee enema kit. Pretty sure a $1 coffee cleans me out well enough the normal way.

2/27

Let me call my buddy who's an expert on goalies.

My transition from a lonely guy making awful decisions into a relationship-having dude with dad-like responsibilities has been a strange one.  And one thing I’ve learned is that my experience with drunk people has actually given me tons of patience for kids because they’re basically the same thing.  More on that later.

-Ryan

January 2018 Joke Round-Up

We are a month into 2018 and it’s literally the same as every other month and year ever because dates are just a meaningless human construct designed to aid us in organizing ourselves.  This month I had lots of questionable diet choices, including ramen noodles, Tide Pods, provocatively named vegetables and dino chicken nuggets.  Seriously though, I made a joke about Tide Pods and then the trend of them kept going so like 2 weeks later I made another jokes about them because people are stupid and this is what our society has come to.  Anyways, here are the jokes.

1/2

A boil order was issued for my area but I was just going to use the water to make ramen, which is toxic anyway, so I'm really not too concerned about it.

1/3

I think the competitors on obstacle course shows (Ninja Warrior, Wipeout, Ultimate Beastmaster, etc.) become a lot less impressive when you consider the fact that a short, pudgy, Italian plumber has been doing that same kinda stuff for like the last 35 years now. And all while high on mushrooms.

1/4

Just following trends here.

1/4

Trump said that his nuclear button is "bigger" than Kim Jong Un's. Really, I think we all know that Trump's is actually a normal-sized button that just looks really large next to his tiny hands.

1/10

My co-worker was eating a big salad that looked really good and got me craving one as well. But I didn't have any way to acquire my own big salad so I ate a bunch of chocolate instead. #FitIn2018

1/11

I used to wear belts because my pants were loose. Now I wear belts because I need a failsafe in case the button on my pants gives out mid-day.#SafetyFirst

1/13

Went to the casino tonight. Spent a few minutes placing max bets on a nickel video poker machine so I could feel like part of the 1%, if only for a brief time.

1/16

The other day the kids were not listening and for the first time ever I broke out the middle names. Holy crap that kinda power could really go to someone's head.

1/19

I couldn't afford Tide Pods so I opted to pour myself a glass of Purex instead.

1/19

I found a plastic coin jammed into the disc slot on my Nintendo Wii. I have never struck a child, but today I considered it.

1/21

I wonder if people in other countries ever get confused about how America simultaneously has hyper-nationalism and widespread hatred for the Patriots.

1/22

I like how Republicans will work against their own interests and consider it a victory as long as they make liberals mad. That's like painting dicks all over your house because your neighbors will think it's an eyesore.

1/28

This must be an an attempt to get people to eat healthier.

1/30

Kind of looking forward to Trump's State of the Union address tonight.

"This union is in a tremendous state. The best. Some would even say, and you hear this a lot, that it's the stateliest union they've ever seen. Experts say this. Very smart people. Hillary couldn't have gotten a union to this state."

1/31

The kids are coming to my place tonight so my girlfriend can take her mom out for her birthday. In preparing for this, I went and bought a bunch of food I know they like that they could choose from for dinner: dino chicken nuggets, macaroni and cheese, chicken soup, hot dogs, grilled cheese, etc.

It still just looked like a normal trip to the grocery store for me. #RefinedPalate

Onward to February!

-Ryan

December 2017 Joke Round-Up

                Well damn, we’re in a new year and I spent half of the last one talking about how much I wanted to write a new blog post but not actually doing it.  To be fair, I sat down to write about 4 different ones and got halfway through them before deciding that they sucked and I just couldn’t bring myself to put out sub-par content so I opted to put out nothing at all instead (that’s the excuse we’re going with, okay?).  I think this month’s jokes really encapsulate my growth as a person; particularly when you look around the middle of the month where I have several jokes about the kids broken up by a joke about me throwing up all over the house with a hangover.    So here are the  jokes.

12/1

The neighbor kid is outside playing basketball and their adorable chocolate lab keeps following him everywhere he goes clearly wanting to be petted but the kid keeps ignoring him and I swear to god if this kid does not bend down, scratch those ears and tell that dog what a good boy it is I'm gonna go over there and start some shit.

12/5

Like a boss.

12/6

If you were thinking of getting hammered and doing some house-cleaning, you should know that vacuuming under the influence is not recommended.

12/10

Somebody just said "Fuck it, people will buy Christmas shit no matter how dumb it is."

12/15

Got the kids chicken tenders for dinner. Abby ate all the breading and handed me the chicken. Not sure if this was a dick move or if she's concerned for my health.

12/15

Henry decided that he "likes the chicken in the big box more than the chicken in the little box." The little box is potato wedges. At least we can stop saving for college.

12/16

After seeing some unsatisfactory schoolwork this week and way too many toys on the floor I decided that, instead of cartoons and games, this morning would be dedicated to homework and cleaning. Some tears were shed, but luckily the kids gave me hugs and helped me get through it.

12/16

Just sang a song to the kids about them being buttheads to the tune of "Why Don't You Get a Job?" by The Offspring. When did I get so good at this parenting thing?

12/17

This morning I threw up in the toilet, the trash can, and the sink. It was like the Gordie Howe hat trick of hangovers.

12/21

I had kinda wondered if I'd made any impact on the kids in the time that I've been around them. Then I went to their Christmas concert and saw Henry front and center on stage scratching his butt in front of the whole audience. That's a resounding yes.

12/21

Sat down to wrap presents and my scotch tape was suddenly missing. Wrapped my presents with First Aid tape instead. #ProblemSolving

12/22

If we're going to refer to things as "lemon citrus" then I think we have to also say "beef meat" and "pants clothes."

12/23

My girlfriend got upset that I was hogging the blankets last night. I told her that as long as I was bundled up she'd benefit from some trickle down warmth.

12/24

I had a dream the other night that I was helping people prepare their taxes. Some of the line items for totalling their deductions included "RBIs", "Type of Shoes" and another box simply labeled "Lasers."

Should've been a CPA.

12/27

It's so cold today that Republicans are all angrily hissing, "See, global warming isn't real."

Just kidding. They'll deny climate change every day, regardless.

12/31

I just saw Jenny McCarthy on the New Year's special talk about weird things that other people put in their drinks and I thought, "You believe vaccines cause autism, you don't get to judge stupid shit that other people do."

                Also kind of fitting that my last 2 jokes of the year are making fun of Republicans and anti-vaxxers, just the way it should be.  Let’s all look forward to another year of me making jokes at the expense of myself at others.

-Ryan